RE: Verbal Abuse-Humilation limits and levels

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RE: Verbal Abuse-Humilation limits and levels - 6/13/2009 10:52:08 AM

Missokyst

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I am one of those people who cannot handle raised voices, or verbal abuse. Yell at me and I will shut down. Call me things which logically I know are lies, will gut me and flip me inside out. I have two responses to that. One, panic. Two, anniliation.
Panic will make me momentarily desperate, willing to comply despite my natural instinct. The moment however is only for the duration of the time I am within your scope, when I walk away you become nothing. I was raped as an UM by the man who was to become my brother-in-law. Family gatherings were interesting. You know those black spots they put in front of things they don't want you to see? That is what I saw where he sat.
As an adult now my reaction is more likely to be anniliation. I much perfer this reaction and wish I could use it more often. People think they can out insult me but I have an exceptionally fast come back, and a very large arsenal of memory for things I can use when attacked. I am also extremely calm and measured in situations where most would not know what to do. In my life I have even done my share of physical damage if things escalated to that level. I have developed a lack of fear for death and a tolerance for pain which is not sensually driven. I am a short woman but people seem to have a knowlege that I will damage them. It is sort of freaky.
Verbal abuse serves no purpose for me but to call up primal reactions, neither of which are healthy and can be more damaging than either of us would be prepared to handle. Just knowing that is a possibility would make that partner unsuitable for me.
Kyst

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RE: Verbal Abuse-Humilation limits and levels - 6/13/2009 12:00:26 PM

DavanKael

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Having run court ordered domestic violence groups for offenders for 5 years (Not any longer), I am well aware of the 'Cycle of Abuse' sort of structures. They're a decent starting point for understanding how some people repeat the same pathological dynamics.
I would say that certain personality types are drawn to 'meat-grinder' situations while for others (Rarely) they fall into a situation and it's not their habit. Obviously, the second type I listed are the most likely to stop it and get out.
I would say that the single most important facets of stopping such abuse is learning to view one's partner as something separate from one's self (Without feeling abandoned) and utilizing active communication and talking with rather than to or at another.
That having been said, personally, in D/s relationships, I despise humiliation and abuse dynamics and would not tolerate physical punishment or anything that I construed as abusive that was geared toward behavior modification.
I demand to be able to respect, not fear a partner and that we be that: partners.
Davan

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RE: Verbal Abuse-Humilation limits and levels - 6/14/2009 1:15:40 PM

WyldHrt

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quote:

Ummmmm.. I have not been tossing around a lot of mindless name calling, again I don't often resort to name calling unless I'm really pissed off.

Seems like everybody connects verbal stuff with name calling...

I tend to simply go off with a rant about how they are keeping their own word, or doing as they promised they would do or whatever else.. without name calling involved. I will rub their noses in what they are doing wrong. I hope that makes sense to somebody out there. I tend to not resort to name calling. If and when I do call somebody a name, it's very limited. I have been known to apologize for having called somebody a name in the middle of my ass chewing rant.

For myself, this type of thing would be completely unacceptable.
OP, you used the word "control" 6 times in your first post, but a D who gets really pissed off (with or without name calling), goes off on a rant, rubs a sub's nose in something , or feels the need to deliver a verbal "ass chewing" is showing a serious lack of control IMO, and the result (for me) would be a loss of respect for both the Dom and the dynamic. If a Dom has to resort to verbal abuse to feel that he is in control of me, there is something seriously wrong with the relationship.

As gypsygrl said, I do have to wonder about your relationship patterns if this is something that comes up in many or all of your relationships. If you keep finding yourself with subs who lie and continually disobey, you might want to look at why that is.

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RE: Verbal Abuse-Humilation limits and levels - 6/14/2009 8:34:19 PM

Roselaure

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This level of drama in any relationship would not work for me at all on any level. Being verbally abused and humiliated by a Dominant will not get me to do what he wants, unless what he wants is me out the door. It is the hardest of hard limits for me. My Master controls me with a look, a small gesture, a softly spoken command. He is in control both of me and himself. If I do not give my submission freely, it cannot be taken from me with a tantrum of verbal abuse.

But that is me. I am sure there are plenty of women who get off on the scenario you describe.

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RE: Verbal Abuse-Humilation limits and levels - 6/16/2009 6:38:48 AM

DesFIP

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The first time you were verbally abusive to me would be the last.

Beyond that, what your post really says to me is that you aren't that healthy yourself and that's why you aren't picking healthy partners. Because healthy people don't lie and be abusive to people they care for. If you are picking people who do these awful things, then you need to find out why you are attracted to these kinds of people.

And that is the bottom line, physician heal thyself.

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RE: Verbal Abuse-Humilation limits and levels - 6/17/2009 10:44:38 AM

softness

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I find it deeply uncomfortable that you use verbal abuse (akin to humiliaiton) as a control mechanism and a revenge tool. It doesn't sound healthy, mature or constructive at all. Brow beating someone into following an instruction is not dominance, I am fairly certain that the life expectancy of my relationship with Sir would be about 0.2 seconds if He engaged in such behaviour with me. It demonstrates (for me) a total lack of self control and respect. These are two fundemental and non--negotiable characteristics I look for in a Dominant.

Verbal humiliation, in the correct context, is one of life's great goey pleasures. I am the type of girl who will weaken around the knees at a single word. It is however a dangerous toy to play with, you are using someone's psyche and self belief against them. One day being called a filthy whore is an overture to a rather romantic evening, another day it will cut me deeply. Learning when the bottom is in the right head to hear what you have to say is part of the art of humilation as a Top. With regard to punishment/correction/relationship management.... Calling me a "stupid bitch" because I get something wrong is likely to only have one result ... never having me ever do anything for you ever again. Last year I was very briefly seeing someone who was given to rant and rave. One day I was round there and she was defrosting her fridge, I checked on it and didn't notice the bucket catching the water was not catching all the drips. The pool on the kitchen floor an hour later resulted in me being called every name under the sun ... I may misremember but I think that was the last time I accepted an invitation to stay at her home. Had she reacted calmly rather than showering me with verbal abuse it would have been rather different but as she obvioously had no control over her own temper - I no longer wished her to have any control over me.

In my opinion verbal humiliation, or as you term it verbal abuse, has absolutely no part in maintaining the balance in a healthy D/s relationship - it is not a tool to be used for control or punishment. Using insult (genuinely with intent to wound) as part of your communication currency means what you have to say is pretty worthless.

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RE: Verbal Abuse-Humilation limits and levels - 6/17/2009 11:54:52 AM

dreamerdreaming

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quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

I find it deeply uncomfortable that you use verbal abuse (akin to humiliaiton) as a control mechanism and a revenge tool. It doesn't sound healthy, mature or constructive at all. Brow beating someone into following an instruction is not dominance, I am fairly certain that the life expectancy of my relationship with Sir would be about 0.2 seconds if He engaged in such behaviour with me. It demonstrates (for me) a total lack of self control and respect. These are two fundemental and non--negotiable characteristics I look for in a Dominant.

Verbal humiliation, in the correct context, is one of life's great goey pleasures. I am the type of girl who will weaken around the knees at a single word. It is however a dangerous toy to play with, you are using someone's psyche and self belief against them. One day being called a filthy whore is an overture to a rather romantic evening, another day it will cut me deeply. Learning when the bottom is in the right head to hear what you have to say is part of the art of humilation as a Top. With regard to punishment/correction/relationship management.... Calling me a "stupid bitch" because I get something wrong is likely to only have one result ... never having me ever do anything for you ever again. Last year I was very briefly seeing someone who was given to rant and rave. One day I was round there and she was defrosting her fridge, I checked on it and didn't notice the bucket catching the water was not catching all the drips. The pool on the kitchen floor an hour later resulted in me being called every name under the sun ... I may misremember but I think that was the last time I accepted an invitation to stay at her home. Had she reacted calmly rather than showering me with verbal abuse it would have been rather different but as she obvioously had no control over her own temper - I no longer wished her to have any control over me.

In my opinion verbal humiliation, or as you term it verbal abuse, has absolutely no part in maintaining the balance in a healthy D/s relationship - it is not a tool to be used for control or punishment. Using insult (genuinely with intent to wound) as part of your communication currency means what you have to say is pretty worthless.

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RE: Verbal Abuse-Humilation limits and levels - 6/18/2009 2:36:50 PM

heartbound

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Some people enjoy verbal humiliation. However, it sounds to me like you are using verbal humiliation as a method of punishment and/or control. You may wish to consider the effects that your verbal humiliation has on your sub.

I have never dealt well with verbal humiliation as I have often had poor self esteem. Verbal humiliation makes me feel like a failure or as if something was wrong with me as a person. For me, punishment has to be physical and not mental in nature.

I am not suggesting that you permit your sub to behave in a way you feel is incorrect. Physical punishment is certainly warranted for improper behavior. But in that scenario, there is a consequence linked with an action. The consequence is not supposed to be pleasant by any means. But there is a huge difference between feeling like you did something wrong opposed to feeling like there is something wrong with you.

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