TrubledTimes Issue #31

TrubledTimes

::you are now entering a trubled timezone:: (insert the theme from Barney here - if that's not trublesome to you, seek professional help immediately!)

The TrubledTimes is a BDSM lifestyle newsletter dedicated to freaks, geeks, perverts, deviants and wannabes everywhere.

Dates: Actually, I prefer figs, (okay, figging) but dates are cool, too.

Cost: $5.99 a pound but you can get them on sale at your local green grocer for $5.98 if you throw in a blow job.

It has cum to my attention that there are a plethora of confused individuals abounding in BDSM. As I have yet to mock, ridicule, or otherwise engage these strange beings, I thought it was time to rectify that situation so I present to you the One True Way to:

Switch
bi BitaTruble

What, you may ask, is a Switch (or maybe you don't give a fuck in which case why the hell are you reading this article?) To the average 'nilla, a switch is what is used to turn on and/or turn off appliances, lights, electric cars and things of that nature but in the context of BDSM, Switches are mostly designed to turn on people.. usually themselves ... or they would pick a fucking side and stick with it. Sticky Switches are the result of activities which engage nether areas in some form or fashion to the point where sticky stuff is dripping and in general, making a gooey mess for someone else to clean up. (They're switches, not fucking sissy maids, okay? We'll get to sissy maids in another newsletter.) That, of course, is beyond rude, but Switches don't really care so much about rudeness as evidenced by the fact they will get to that sticky state of being in the most convenient ways possible with anyone who happens to be standing next to them. Switches are, however, among the most open minded lifestylers you'll encounter. They won't care if you're a dominant, a submissive or another switch.. as long as you will do to them what they are willing to do to you, it's all good.

Switches cum in a variety of ways but they may not be exactly sure which ways work best at any given time. Sometimes they cum from the top, sometimes from the bottom and sometimes they they are cumming and going at the same time but, as we have already done both watersports and s'cat play in previous issues, we don't need to go there again. It was bad enough the first time around.

Now, dealing with Switches is a joy and a horror at the same time. These strange beings are often denigrated, tormented and mocked. Since they are Switches they tend to enjoy this treatment so you should feel free to denigrate, torment or mock them as often as you feel is necessary. Being able to belittle others from a Holier-than-Thou superior attitude is one of the best parts of being in a BDSM lifestyle and Switches are an easy target (almost as easy as 'nillas) and what self-righteous, know-it-all Sadist doesn't want an easy target? (That was a rhetorical question so no need get your panties in a twist over it.)

The best thing about Switches is that they rarely say no! They are the most versatile group of all the various lifestylers out there because they are all things to all people and since they are so versatile, they are also the most highly employable (bisexual switches even more so!) If you need someone to paint your toes red one day and beat your ass until it's red the next day, hire a Switch! (I hear they are very cheap .. er, work cheap that is, so a much better value, pound for pound, than your average pro-dom.)

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... a word from our sponsors ...

CHEESE

... we now return you to your regularly schedule newsletter article.

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Among Switches you will find there are Dom Switches, Sub Switches, and True Switches. We are talking True Switches in this article so will save the rest of another issue. Suffice to say that if you are a True Switch, you will know it and admit it unlike the Dom Switch who will never let on they are a Switch except to that rare female who they will bottom to as long as the domme doesn't tell anyone they are playing with a dom who is switching or the sub switch who doesn't want their domtype to know they are really a switchtype so keep the switching from being obvious to any but other switchers. Switches may be SM switches, D/s switches or a combination of the two who may be dom/sub, top/bottom or master/slave switches switching from master to slave or from slave to master or from dominant to submissive or from submissive to dominant or from master to bottom, or from bottom to dominant, or from top to bottom or from top to slave or from slave to top (fuck this is getting boring to type .. moving on..) either within a relationship or outside of relationship with the same person or with different people who are not the same person or mastering a submissive or submitting to a master or switching switchely with another switchtype person and or people.

Confused yet? Not to worry, so are Switches.. at least, that's what most of the rest of the BDSM world believes. The fact that BDSMers like cages does not mean they like boxes - nevertheless when someone falls outside the BDSM box, most folks just don't know how to handle such individual thinking so go into denigrate/mock/torment mode while the Switches laugh quietly at them for their foolishness knowing those are the same folks write private emails begging to be used and abused or to use and abuse them when their other 'side' isn't being met by their "One" True .. whatever.

Okay, so perhaps you have recognized the true 'switch' inside yourself and you want to let it out in all it's switchy glory. What's the best way to do that? It's simple and if you send me an email with this exact sentence "Mistress, please get on your knees you fucking cunt, whore, pigslut," along with a processing fee of $199.99 to my secret Switch bank account, I will send along the ancient Switch secrets to you forthwith via parcel post. This week only, I am offering a special twofer. You will not only receiving the Ancient Secrets to Switching but also The Ancient Secret Houses of European Domination map and GPS locator kit absolutely free while supplies last. Take advantage of this one time only special offer, NOW, bitch!

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A Bita Non-Fiction - sponsored bi CHEESE.

bi BitaTruble

Ancient European Traditions and Houses of D/s.

(notice the big, black, bold font? Scary, huh!)

Didn't the term D/s come around in the early to mid 90's? Um, that's 1990's and that would be AD, not BC. I could be wrong, but.. yanno, it's something to think about!

First, let it be said, that I actually live in Europe and have scoured a good portion of the European countryside. We actually do have cobblestone streets and I think I even have a picture of one in my photos. I've visited castles, museums, gaols (that jails for those of you on the other side of the pond) and dungeons and I've gotten to know many members of the community in which I live and still, I have yet to find one of these damn things! I know, I know. They're a ::whispers:: secret.

::koffsbullshitkoffs::

Sorry, had to clear my throat for a moment.

Anyway, I'm not sure what 'traditions' have been passed down by these secret societies, but the best I can figure they are talking about the Cult of Orthia which gave rise to diamastigosis. That's about as ancient as it gets.

Wanna know what their tradition was?

Well, truth be told, they'd put stacks of cheese on an altar guarded by adults with whips. Then young men would brave the whips trying for the cheese.

That's your Ancient European (Greece to be specific) tradition and it didn't take place in a house much less an Ancient European House of D/s. ::typed with the utmost reverence!::

Seriously. I'm not making this shit up! My imagination just isn't that good.

Acient European Houses of D/s and Cheese

So, when someone tells you they were trained in the Ancient European Houses of D/s traditions ask them if they use swiss or limberger.

If you don't know what swiss or limberger is .. well, one of them is full of ... holes and the other one stinks.

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The One True Way to Watch Porn
bi BitaTruble

With your eyes open.

Real & True Definitions
bi BitaTruble

Cockpit - it's where the fucking pilot sits in an airplane, not a vagina and it's not bottomless though lots of Tops who think with their dicks are.

Cockroach - it's a disgusting bug not a place to hold the last 1/4 inch of your joint. You can try it though, but you'll probably burn yourself and if you like that, you're a fucking pervert .. so, yanno, call me.

Cocktail - it's a mixed drink involving alcohol not an elaborate butt plug used in pony play.

Cockle - it's a .. um.. who the fuck cares? Have you ever once used cockle in a sentence?

Yet More Movie Reviews
bi BitaTruble

This week the staff of the TrubledTimes is going to review a movie so as soon as we can find one that's worth forking over $9 for a ticket and taking out a second mortgage for a small popcorn and Coke, we'll let you know if it was worth the fucking money or not.

Letters to the Editor

edited bi BitaTruble

Dear Bita,

You really are truble, lol.... Just a note to say thanks for a most enjoyable Saturday morning Journal reading. If you dont mind (or even if you do) I am going to list you in my favorites (not friends, cuz I dont even know you) for future Trubled Times Issues, and will at some point get to the past ones as well.

So at the risk of putting myself on the spit (so to speak) thanks so much.

Bobbie (named changed bi Bita to protect the guilty)

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Dear Bobbie,

Thank you for the kind note. You are, obviously, a stalker and I've sent your name, address and phone number along with your picture to the CIA so they can keep tabs on you, subject you to random body cavity searches and put you in Gitmo before it closes forever where you will be waterboarded (but no more than 60 times in a month) and subjected to continual rounds of John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt for your listening pleasure and torture.

Well wishes,

Bita

Yet another letter from Bobbie

Dear Bita,

LOL, ok, just go easy on me : )

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Dear Bobbie,

Go easy on you? Have you not been paying attention? I'm a menopausal sadist and I've already got your number, STALKER!

Well wishes,

Bita

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Dear Bita,

You are funny as shit!
Thank you for the laugh this morning :)

kit (named changed.. but not much)

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Dear Kit,

Thanks for the note. It's not often that people admit their love of scat! At least you're not a fucking stalker like Bobbie. :D

Well wishes,

Bita

Song of the Day
bi BitaTruble

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
His name is my name too.
Whenever I go out
The people always shout,
" There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt."
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na...

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt,
His name is my name too.
Whenever I go out
The people always shout,
" There goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt."
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na...

Gawds.. what a stupid fucking song.

Okay perverts, deviants, geeks, freaks, wannabes, almost weres and the rest of ya, that concludes this session of the TrubledTimes. As always, it's been so nice fucking with ya. See ya next time!

Bita S. Truble
Editor-in-Chief
TrubledTimes

*mandatory disclaimer .. Please send all complaints, compliments, bank account numbers (with appropriate pin) to CruelleTouch. He's the domly and will determine whether or not my trublesome writing deserves a sound spanking. If so, I thank you in advance.