RE: Giving up friends

RE: Giving up friends (Full Version)

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kyraofMists -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 8:09:48 AM)
You won't get a consensus from me. Over a year and a half ago, I moved three thousand miles and another country away to live in a small rural community in Northern Alberta with him and Alandra. There isn't one person in this town that I would consider a friend. I have acquaintances, but no friends here. We have a few friends in the city about 5 hours away, but no one that we interact with on a regular basis. In many ways, it is really good for our family to not have these outside distractions. A large part of the appeal for moving so far north was the isolation it would provide us. We are completely focused on family and doing what is best for us and there isn't much left over for others right now. Some people might look at that and cry abuse... some people watch the way we play and cry abuse... some people see how much authority he has in our lives and cry abuse... what others think is really irrelevant to us though. Knight's Kyra

MzMia -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 8:15:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists You won't get a consensus from me. Over a year and a half ago, I moved three thousand miles and another country away to live in a small rural community in Northern Alberta with him and Alandra. There isn't one person in this town that I would consider a friend. I have acquaintances, but no friends here. We have a few friends in the city about 5 hours away, but no one that we interact with on a regular basis. In many ways, it is really good for our family to not have these outside distractions. A large part of the appeal for moving so far north was the isolation it would provide us. We are completely focused on family and doing what is best for us and there isn't much left over for others right now. Some people might look at that and cry abuse... some people watch the way we play and cry abuse... some people see how much authority he has in our lives and cry abuse... what others think is really irrelevant to us though. Knight's Kyra Waving to the lovely Kyra up North! I had to change my post a couple of times. You moved to be with your lovely family. This " Master " is ordering her submissive girlfriend to ALSO submit to HIM. This is a new one, for me, and I have been here almost 5 years!

sirsholly -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 8:15:59 AM)
quote: Some people might look at that and cry abuse... some people watch the way we play and cry abuse... some people see how much authority he has in our lives and cry abuse... what others think is really irrelevant to us though. I don't consider that abuse at all. What i do consider a red flag is when the Dom nearly forces the sub to give up family/friends.

DomImus -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 9:14:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SarahnNV He has alienated her from other friends, both vanilla and in D/s, but not her close ones. At least not until now. It's possible that he has not alienated her from anyone. It's possible that she simply dumped you for him. It's easy to "blame the dom" in cases like this but it may be nothing more than her having decided who is more important in her life.

SirMIkeSD -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 9:23:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SarahnNV He has alienated her from other friends, both vanilla and in D/s, but not her close ones. At least not until now. Lets see, she has been able to keep her good friends. Hummm.. sounds to me more like an evaluation of those friends and how good they are for her. Also some people don't have to balls to say you are not good for me and I am ending our friendship, this change in her life could be just what she needed to make that happen. Mike

OrionTheWolf -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 9:33:28 AM)
It would depend upon the relationship. What if the family and friends take advantage of the person? Often cause extra stress and drama, because they are the type of person that thrives on that? I will not go into detail, but my girl has contact with one of her brothers, none with her Mother at this time (betrayal that endangers someone safety is not a good thing), another brother she has no contact with (drug and alchohol addict), a sister in law she has no contact with (always guilts her into doing things for her, takes advantage of her, used to get her to give her money to help pay her bills, while the sister in law just sits around). My girl surrendered to me because she wanted me to be her owner and Master. I would not allow these people to do these things to me, so of course I will not allow it to be done to my slave. So her family says "he is an abuser and has cut her off from all of us". Where is the truth? Sometimes perspective tends to change things. As far as this friend must submit to the Dom. Well my girl does have a friend that I have her limit contact with because that friend has major issues with her life. That friend makes very poor life decisions, and then brings the drama to my girl. My girl then feels obligated to try and help in some way. This happens in a repeated cycle. My girl already has some issues that she has come an amazingly long way on, and this friend just drags her down. I have said to this friend that she belongs in a collar (meaning she cannot control her own life, and needs someone else to make those decisions). This friend used to be a slave, but decided she wanted to be free and treated like a princess by these males that are willing to give her everything except good advice and leadership. So you could almost say that this close friend of my girls, has been told to accept a collar or not see her as often. See how things can be painted or perceived? There are always many sides to a story. quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly What i do consider a red flag is when the Dom nearly forces the sub to give up family/friends.

Lockit -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 9:55:51 AM)
There are some very good reasons to decide that someone in your submissive's family or friend circle are a problem. I get that. But what some of you don't seem to understand is that we aren't just responding to that! He doesn't want the other woman gone... he wants her serving him. I realize that we are all giving opinions and I am in no way going to fight or aruge over what could or could not be... what might be said and might not be said and the truth or lack of truth of the matter. On the question given with the information given, I base what I am saying and that is 'bull shit' to a dominant that wants his one to become two and gets pissy about it to the point of pouting and saying if I can't have her serve me, you can't have her as a friend. No other details... just that and that is bs.

SirMIkeSD -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 10:06:13 AM)
If that is the case I agree, but from this statement quote: May I get a consensus here? I don't feel that we are getting the full story. It seems to me that she want 'ammunition' here to provide to her friend to prove that she is right and her Master is wrong. Mike

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 10:08:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SarahnNV My submissive girlfriend was ordered to not contact me anymore because I would not serve beside her with her new Master. I wonder about a Master who alienates a submissive's friends and family. This seems more like an abusive situation rather than a loving D/s relationship. May I get a consensus here? ~FR~ I don't -know- enough to participate in any kind of consensus on this issue, having spoken to neither the friend in question or the master managing her development. I can say that I have restricted individuals in our household from certain contacts for a number of reasons, and have had my own contacts restricted by my Keepers when I was on the other side of the kneel myself. In nearly -every- case, the individuals who were 'disconnected' had their own interpretations of why such a thing happened, regardless of why myself or another Keeper -told- them they were being 'disconnected'. I've disconnected individuals so that they could focus on their training (for those who had difficulty paying attention), because of discretion issues (individuals who shared Household stuff with friends who weren't meant to be privy to our private information, even after being told that they were not to share certain private information), and because of stress/abuse going on from the external source (drama queens, users, etc), and done so with the best interests of my family and the individual at heart. One other comment that I need to make in this situation is that the individual in question could choose to vote with hir feet. If xhe truly does not want the disconnection from friends/family, xhe has the option of leaving the relationship. If xhe is being held against hir will, a domestic-abuse crisis center can provide assistance in getting out. With that being said, the fact that your friend gave up that contact, and is choosing to stay, for whatever reason, IMO compels, on your part, an acceptance of her desire to be -in- that situation with that person. A "friend" would be supportive of that friend's decision, and be available in the event that, somewhere down the road, the restriction was lifted OR the friend needed help in getting out of an unhealthy situation when she reached out later on. Friends do not sabotage a friend's relationship just because it isn't what -xhe- thinks it should be. There must be a reason you chose not to go with this person... and there must be a reason your friend -did-... neither choice may be -inappropriate- for the individual in question, and whether you like it or not, it is my opinion that, until your friend indicates that she no longer wishes to take direction from this person she has accepted herself as beholden to, it is inherent in the nature of friendship to respect her decision to be where she is. Dame Calla

leadership527 -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 11:17:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SarahnNV My submissive girlfriend was ordered to not contact me anymore because I would not serve beside her with her new Master. I wonder about a Master who alienates a submissive's friends and family. This seems more like an abusive situation rather than a loving D/s relationship. May I get a consensus here? a) I reserve the right and, have in fact, "managed" Carol's friends to some extent. b) I wouldn't do that for this reason c) I'm not sure that you've stated the full and complete reasoning. Off the cuff, this seems wonky to me. BUt I have no opinion without hearing his full explanation. This sounds complicated.

antipode -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 11:19:00 AM)
quote: This seems more like an abusive situation rather than a loving D/s relationship. My consensus is that without much more information about the relationship, the agreements within the relationship, etc., the people involved, this is a perfectly legitimitate situation. You're talking about alienating friends and family, all I see is that you have been cut off, and I see no reason why that would not be reasonable. If you have evidence that the situation is abusive, why didn't you present that?

blongs2MASTERD -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 11:23:08 AM)
For clarity, I do not seek 'ammo', I just do not wish to serve her Master and it saddens me that our friendship has to end because of that. My friend has made her decsion and I abide by all the choices my friends make, good or bad. I have celebrated her life choices (as I do with all my friends) and will respect this one, just as she respects mine not to serve her Master. It will be lonely for her, I think, because she has nobody now to talk to about her submission, other than to her Master. She has no other connections that she can now share the joy of her submission with. I feel sad for her too.

angelikaJ -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 11:25:26 AM)
I am sorry for your sorrow.

Andalusite -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 11:36:29 AM)
When I was a Domme for almost 5 years, I had problems with one of my submissive's friends. He was doing drugs, and I was fine with him again as soon as he got clean. Orion, I think that demanding that the friend be collared is a little unreasonable, but insisting that she get her life straightened out one way or another is perfectly reasonable. Plus, even if she were collared, her dominant/master/owner might have no problem with the things that bug you, but may have other expectations in other areas. Also, there's a difference between saying that she needs to be in a M/s, D/s, or Gorean relationship, and expecting her to specifically serve you. When I date someone, I like to see how he interacts with my friends. If he has a problem with a couple of them, or vice versa, I can mark it down to personality conflicts, but if he dislikes most of them, and/or vice versa, I tend to view it as a sign of incompatibility with me as well. My Master met a few of my friends while we were dating, before making a commitment, and has met several others since - I love that he's sociable and able to interact happily with them! I've met a couple of his friends as well.

DavanKael -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 11:36:32 AM)
Short of someone being a really pathological presence in someone's life, I'd be loathe to tell them to give that person up. Actually, in my most recent relationship, the guy was friends with this female I knew from high school and who disliked me and is all around a freakin' mess. I attempted to play nice. When I found she was doing things to attempt to sabotage our relationship, I got really pissed and I spoke with him. I didn't demand he cut ties with her, though when she told repetitious lies about me, he did. An issue, though, is someone blaming another for 'making' them give up an association. I felt his lack of dealing with that creature decisively from the start and choosing to have her in his life despite acknowledging she'd been a negative presence for years said things about him. Someone telling me that I had to give up someone important to me, yeah, no, not happening. Davan

OrionTheWolf -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 8:45:30 PM)
I was using those things as examples of how things can be spun or perceived, depending on many factors. There is not enough information in the OP to base much on. There may indeed be some red flags, but people are quick to jump on one side or the other with very little information. I know there is a difference, but my slave's friend could have easily said "Orion said I should beg his collar if I want to see my friend more." and from her perspective it would have been true if that is how she perceived it. This is where meaning of words are different between the General BDSM and how I live. If someone cannot manage their money, cannot keep them selves from drinking too much, cannot refrain from putting themselves in dangerously stupid situations, then they need someone else to make those decisions for them. That is what I mean by put in a collar. quote: ORIGINAL: Andalusite Orion, I think that demanding that the friend be collared is a little unreasonable, but insisting that she get her life straightened out one way or another is perfectly reasonable. Plus, even if she were collared, her dominant/master/owner might have no problem with the things that bug you, but may have other expectations in other areas. Also, there's a difference between saying that she needs to be in a M/s, D/s, or Gorean relationship, and expecting her to specifically serve you.

antipode -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 9:06:28 PM)
oops

CountrySong -> RE: Giving up friends (6/14/2009 9:26:52 PM)
I isolated someone in my past from her best friend but it was because she had rapid cycling bipolar and everytime she went with that friend she ended up in the hospital a few days later. She was the life of the party when she was going manic and that friend loved that part but she never stayed around for the crash! We never know all sides of the story so I can't say much though I do sypathize for your loss. However, since I'm not privy to all of the info I can't make any valid comments.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Giving up friends (6/15/2009 6:49:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blongs2MASTERD For clarity, I do not seek 'ammo', I just do not wish to serve her Master and it saddens me that our friendship has to end because of that. My friend has made her decsion and I abide by all the choices my friends make, good or bad. I have celebrated her life choices (as I do with all my friends) and will respect this one, just as she respects mine not to serve her Master. It will be lonely for her, I think, because she has nobody now to talk to about her submission, other than to her Master. She has no other connections that she can now share the joy of her submission with. I feel sad for her too. If I may make a suggestion, I would suggest that perhaps you think about all of the positive aspects of what this could be for your friend. There are several people here who set aside outside friendships to focus on the dominant member of their relationship, and you'll find that, for some of them, the opportunity to have that focus was ideal for them. I can understand that you're grieving the absence of your friend right now, but it may be helpful to you to maintain a positive attitude for your own sake, and reflect that, perhaps, rather than being lonely and lost, this will be a magnificent opportunity for your friend. Give things some time, be a positive force for yourself and those around you, and it is possible that you'll come back into your friend's dominant partner's frame of attention as someone that he is both comfortable and encouraged to have around. In any case, by keeping a positive mindset yourself, you'll find that opportunities present themselves and that you are able to think about your friend and her situation without it bringing you into worry and depression. Dame Calla

DesFIP -> RE: Giving up friends (6/16/2009 6:51:21 AM)
If he's making her lose friends simply because they won't have sex with him, pretty soon she won't have any friends at all. About all you can do is assure her that whenever she wants out of this unhealthy relationship, you will be there for her. I'm sort of wondering how her family is going to take his demands if she can only see those who will bed him.

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