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RE: Giving up friends - 6/16/2009 12:38:52 PM   
DarkPossession


Posts: 7
Joined: 6/13/2009
Status: offline 		Greetings sarah
As everyone as wisely said.. its a warning to your friend. Having been brought up by a narcististic sadist and suffered greatly at the hands of it, this is indeed an attempt to control beyond the normal, regardless of relationship - vanilla or BDSM. Unless, she is in agreeance with this type of total control, she better back the hell away, trust me this will only escalate into an abusive relationship that she find hard to release herself from. Having said that, you can only be there for her when she calls, the choice is hers.
~Good luck
Dark

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Giving up friends - 6/16/2009 1:02:33 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia


 After reading your OP a few times, I have to write this.

At the end of the day, the fact that he is demanding that you serve him also, makes me question him!
Who does that?
wtf? is he King Tut?
I think your submissive friend, needs to take off her rainbow shades and look harder at her new Master.
This may not be a long term relationship, hang out, enjoy your life/summer, be there when she calls you in a few months!
During one of my single phases, I had a girlfriend. We were both bi and she was submissive. Our relationship was friendship, fun, sex and kink. But, we were both looking for a man in our lives. If the man I ultimately ended up with had a problem with my having an outside sexual relationship with her, I was willing to end that part of it. But, I was not willing to end my friendship with her.

I was stunned at the number of men that assumed that once they had access to me, that meant they had access to her. Forgetting that who she submitted to was her choice. The sad part was that the men that thought this way were not the minority, they were the overwhelming majority.

So, yeah, it wouldn't surprise me if a "Dom" put pressure on his submissive to rope in a friend by cutting off that friendship.

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(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Giving up friends - 6/16/2009 4:29:46 PM   
lronitulstahp


Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline 		SarahNVblongs2MASTERD...

Perhaps your friend isn't telling you the whole story.  Maybe it is as simple as you say. Perhaps something you did inadvertantly caused her master to consider you a bad example. We never have any true way of knowing. i wish your friend would be able to present her side of things, and her Master could give his as well. That's the problem with this sort of thread; a lack of viewpoints.

i will say this...if i had a friend that was disrepectful, or at odds with my Dominant partner and He wished for me to end our friendship, it would go the way He ordered. Some might think that it's crazy or dumb, that later the choice would be one i might regret....but the nature of power exchange for me, is all about obedience. About doing all in my power to please Him first.

i have warned friends in the past not to speak derisively or disrespectfully about my Dom, and have even pissed off a good friend doing so.  But telling her upfront that she was on a slippery slope actually saved our friendship, because she changed the way she behaved.

i am sorry you lost a friend for any reason. Perhaps, things will improve in time.



_____________________________

Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

(in reply to blongs2MASTERD)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Giving up friends - 6/16/2009 4:53:54 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Depends on the relationship. Did the slave/sub agree to be alienated? How does she feel about it? If she agreed to it and is ok with it then there's no abuse.

Because I do trust Master because he has made good decisions in the past, if he one day said that I couldn't speak to someone or felt that a person was a hindrance to my life I would most likely think he probably knows what he's talking about and obey. I might question him a little further on the issue but that would be his decision to respond and his word is the final say.

Not all alienation is abuse.

edited to add after reading further down in the posts: did you play with/fuck/submit to/overtly flirt with the Dom or even his slave in the past? If so then he probably is getting mixed signals from you and why the friendship ended.



< Message edited by littlewonder -- 6/16/2009 4:59:18 PM >

(in reply to SarahnNV)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Giving up friends - 6/16/2009 5:09:29 PM   
Asherdelampyr


Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline 		One question, that I didnt see anyone except for little ask

Maybe its a matter of common usage, but is she your girlfriend as in going shopping with/gossoping about boys/whatever the hell else female friends do, or were you having sex with her.

May seem trivial but it is rather important

If you are/were fucking her is it possible that what he said wasnt "Come be my slave or never talk to her again" and may instead of been a matter of him not wanting his gilr engaging in an outside sexual relationship, and, instead of trying to seperate you two at first tried to bring you in?

Maybe I am way off base, but your OP, coupled with your second post make me think that he isnt just "Cleaning house" of everyone she might be able to turn to for help (SOP for abusive people) and may instead have just done something that you are letting your emotions blow out of context?



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(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Giving up friends - 6/17/2009 2:07:54 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf

There is often more to things than what is presented. There would have to be more information about your particular situation, to offer a good and informed opinion. If a Dom or owner is just isolating for no reason, then it may very well be unhealthy. There are reasons to isolate from particular people though. Is it the initial training period? Does this friendship cause drama and more stress in the sub's life? Are you doing things that the Dom has determined is detrimental to the relationship, or to the sub?




Drama or not it still has to be the subs decision to end something as important as a friendship.
I had a long time friend when I first got into my relationship with Steve. This friend did become destructive or at least tried to be. Steve never once suggested I stopped contact but ultimately left that up to me. He trusted my judgment and my judgment was to discard this negative friendship. A decision such as that could and should only come from the two friends because only that way can it be absolute and more importantly there will be no resentment if you have made that decision yourself.




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(in reply to OrionTheWolf)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Giving up friends - 6/17/2009 5:43:35 AM   
OrionTheWolf


Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		Glad that works for you. My way works for me and my property.

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Giving up friends - 6/17/2009 6:31:19 AM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline
quote:

and the final straw was talking badly about me and trying to get my property to move away with her to Colorado.


Good morning Master Orion!

Of course i did read the whole thread here, but i have to sayyyyy.....if you BOTH moved to Colorado! welllllllll, i'm just sayin' *grinz*

Happy Wednesday!

-smiley-

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(in reply to OrionTheWolf)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Giving up friends - 6/17/2009 12:45:14 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SarahnNV

My submissive girlfriend was ordered to not contact me anymore because I would not serve beside her with her new Master. I wonder about a Master who alienates a submissive's friends and family. This seems more like an abusive situation rather than a loving D/s relationship.  May I get a consensus here?





It seems to me that the guy is either clueless (he actually thinks that he can manipulate her girlfriends to serve him, in this manner) or else he is using this tactic to cut her off from her friends.

What about her family? Does he use the same tactic to try to cut her off from her cute cousins, sisters, etc.?

What a jerk. Be there for her when she dumps him.

And for right now, keep contacting her, to let her know that you still care about her. Don't wait for her replies. Just talk to her on email, leave her phone messages, send her snail mail, etc. Let her know what is going on in your life, and that you miss her and care about her and what is going on in her life. That asshole doesn't own you. He does not control you. Don't let him cut you off from her. She needs you.

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(in reply to SarahnNV)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Giving up friends - 6/17/2009 3:41:27 PM   
Asherdelampyr


Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

quote:

ORIGINAL: SarahnNV

My submissive girlfriend was ordered to not contact me anymore because I would not serve beside her with her new Master. I wonder about a Master who alienates a submissive's friends and family. This seems more like an abusive situation rather than a loving D/s relationship.  May I get a consensus here?





It seems to me that the guy is either clueless (he actually thinks that he can manipulate her girlfriends to serve him, in this manner) or else he is using this tactic to cut her off from her friends.

What about her family? Does he use the same tactic to try to cut her off from her cute cousins, sisters, etc.?

What a jerk. Be there for her when she dumps him.

And for right now, keep contacting her, to let her know that you still care about her. Don't wait for her replies. Just talk to her on email, leave her phone messages, send her snail mail, etc. Let her know what is going on in your life, and that you miss her and care about her and what is going on in her life. That asshole doesn't own you. He does not control you. Don't let him cut you off from her. She needs you.


Actually, her other posts indicate that he is doing no such thing
Kinda interesting.
As I have said before, we arent really getting information here, what we are getting is a very emotional input, and there seem to be quite a few people responding to that in kind



< Message edited by Asherdelampyr -- 6/17/2009 4:11:21 PM >

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The nicest man you'll ever bleed for

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(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Giving up friends - 6/18/2009 7:51:24 PM   
SarahnNV


Posts: 25
Joined: 8/16/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks to all who have responded.  I appreciate the different aspects of my dilemma that you all raised - I truly could not see anything but abuse and manipulation in her Master's actions.  My friend and I are like sisters - and I respect her decision to choose and follow her Master and drop contact with me.  I would fight for my friendship with her but not at the risk of getting involved with someone I do not choose to serve - and no, I have not teased or flirted with him; I have never met him. Of course it hurts and of course there's emotion attached to this decision. 

(in reply to Asherdelampyr)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Giving up friends - 6/19/2009 4:21:39 AM   
CNJDom


Posts: 186
Joined: 6/6/2006
From: Southern NJ
Status: offline 		I agree that this doesn't sound healthy and isn't anything more than a sign of a lack of confidence on the Dom's part, as well as some typical selfishness where he thinks he can obtain more subs without putting any effort into it.  He's one-sided and doesn't deserve what he does have in anycase.  Sounds like he stumbled onto someone that he could manipulate, and his short-sightedness leads him to think that his sub's friends are also open to manipulation.  I only hope that the sub comes around to this jerk's skew of what he thinks the lifestyle is about.    

(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Giving up friends - 6/19/2009 10:10:50 PM   
atypicalsub


Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

You won't get a consensus from me.

Over a year and a half ago, I moved three thousand miles and another country away to live in a small rural community in Northern Alberta with him and Alandra. There isn't one person in this town that I would consider a friend. I have acquaintances, but no friends here. We have a few friends in the city about 5 hours away, but no one that we interact with on a regular basis.
[snip]
Knight's Kyra


The difference I see is that *you* made this choice, not your dominant.  I said earlier that I considered the dominant forcing the sub to cut off contact as a huge red flag.  Last fall *I* chose to move 1,200 miles from everyone I knew to be with my Mistress who I met on this very site.  The only people I know here are my Mistress's friends.  I continue contact with a few friends and family members through e-mail and occational phone calls. 


_____________________________

Polyamorous, solitary eclectic pagan, pansexual slut, and personal pet of MistressYes

"Do not do anything you are ashamed of, and don't be ashamed of anything you do"
(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)


(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Giving up friends - 6/19/2009 10:33:23 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		But the girl referred to in the OP is making that choice as well. My options were that if you want to be with me, you must move 3,000 miles away from everything that you know. For me, it was an easy choice to make.

For this person, her choice is if she wants to be with this person, then she has to end certain friendships.

She still has the same choices that I did and you did. Leave the relationship or do what is required to keep the relationship. Sometimes those choices are easy, sometimes not so easy.

I also know that I could factually present my situation in such a way as to have many people crying abuse. I could use language to incite and push people to certain assumptions and then they draw inaccurate conclusions of abuse and yet still present a factual picture of my life. Instead I choose to present my life in such a way to discourage the negative assumptions and to not create drama about who I am and what I have chosen to do. The original post to this thread seemed to take the opposite approach.

Knight's Kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to atypicalsub)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Giving up friends - 6/19/2009 10:50:56 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I can't help but feel that there is some facts of this story that are missing.... facts that could greatly affect one's perception of this situation. and thus their opinion.  I think it's better not make any rash opinions on this situations with such one-sided and even limited information at that. 

In a more broader point.. there are times that situations of limiting or hindering a person's interactions with others or specific individuals are huge red flags... but sometimes they are very valid and even healthy actions to be taken.

Lastly, I find it odd that she has never met this friends's Dom but yet her friend is stopping contact because she wouldn't serve him.  She apparently is very close to this friend but yet she has never met this Dom that her friend is developing a strong relationship with.... the more I look it is.... the more I see the pieces not adding up.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Giving up friends - 6/20/2009 5:26:40 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Asherdelampyr

Actually, her other posts indicate that he is doing no such thing
Kinda interesting.



Really? I interpreted the second post as this guy slowly cutting her off from everyone, starting with the less close friends first. Because if the first thing he did was announce she couldn't ever see her family again, she'd bail. So he's picking them off, one by one until she has no support system left.

Not to mention, hitting on all of her friends is a good way for them to walk leaving her with no one.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Asherdelampyr)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Giving up friends - 6/20/2009 6:14:30 AM   
OrionTheWolf


Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		How do you hit on someone you have never met?


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Not to mention, hitting on all of her friends is a good way for them to walk leaving her with no one.


_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Giving up friends - 6/20/2009 6:58:57 AM   
lronitulstahp


Posts: 5392
Joined: 10/17/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf

How do you hit on someone you have never met?


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Not to mention, hitting on all of her friends is a good way for them to walk leaving her with no one.

You're asking that on CollarMe??? Some people here are in 24/ 7 TPE relationships with people they've never met

< Message edited by lronitulstahp -- 6/20/2009 6:59:46 AM >

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Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley

(in reply to OrionTheWolf)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Giving up friends - 6/20/2009 8:49:27 AM   
OrionTheWolf


Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		This is true, but I have never understood that. That is for another discussion though.


quote:

ORIGINAL: lronitulstahp

quote:

ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf

How do you hit on someone you have never met?


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Not to mention, hitting on all of her friends is a good way for them to walk leaving her with no one.

You're asking that on CollarMe??? Some people here are in 24/ 7 TPE relationships with people they've never met


_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to lronitulstahp)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Giving up friends - 6/23/2009 5:36:30 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Besides that, the op's first post says she's been told she can only still keep in contact with the friend if she agrees to submit to this dude also. Which I interpret as she can only visit her if she's willing to spread her legs for some guy she doesn't know.

And it doesn't really matter if they're just friends or whether when neither are in other relationships they are friends with benefits. It's still wrong to blackmail people by saying they can only keep a friend if they have sex with him.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to OrionTheWolf)
Profile   Post #: 60
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