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LadyLou -> RE: Submissive Vampires (6/17/2009 8:21:34 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Lockit
I call them crazy makers. The kind that make your head spin and yes you will often feel like... well picture a movie from the seventies and a certain demonic filled young lady. There is never a solution, always a complaint, never a calm assurance, always a dramatic self induced crisis brought on by personal negect of some sort and the need to blame and cry victim.
Yes, I know the type... and I am very determined to make a wide path around them.
Life will bring trouble, crisis, pain and even victimization... we've all had days, months, years even when things might not go well for us and it takes balance to get through it, but some will not have balance enough to managae a hang nail and will make it a national crisis with the dark forces all out to get them. The problem is, they are the dark force. When all one can do is play victim looking for attention and not just mention a problem and get out there and do something about it or try to prevent future problems and it is a focus of most or all their converstation and you don't make a wide path around them... you will need to check for your own wounds and blood level's because they just might be a vampire and not the romantic kind that draw you to them so that they might powerfully suck you dry. Just the kind that wimp out and need an IV hook up.
Lockit, your words resonated with me. An ex sub, and still good, but tempestuous friend unfortunately fits your description, a description that has taken me over a decade to recognise, understand and come to terms with. Lets just say, he was my (very wide) learning curve. I care very deeply for his well being, but part of my learning curve was to realise there is only so much I can do, particularly when he won't help himself and frequently indulges in self pitying malaise. Blaming everyone, but himself, for his woes; woes, that, like you highlight, generally stem from personal neglect. I haven't and wouldn't abandon him as a person and friend, but now keep this part of his personality at arms length. I don't allow myself to get sucked in. Of course, to an 'emotional vampire', that translates as neglect. But another part of my coming to terms with the situation was reconciling my own powerlessness in helping him.
To the discussion as a whole...
I don't like to demonise this behaviour though, it is not realistic to the person and situation as a whole and shirking my own responsibility in past situation. But I recognise the absolute need for someone who has a 'vampire' to one dimensionally focus on the bad, for self protection. For me, it was the first phase in getting myself out of an unhealthy situation.
Another part of the reconciliation of my past situation was understanding that the 'emotional vampire' in this case is not a bad person (far from it), it was just a fundamental incompatibility. Empathetically try to understand life from an emotional vampires shoes for a moment, there's nothing inherently bad about it, it's different styles of dealing with the emotional impact of life. It's the perfect irresponsible, blameless and selfish coping system, and completely justifies any self destructive behaviour the 'vampire' may carry out. This may be controversial, but being an emotional vampire seems to successfully work for some people – imagine going through life never feeling the pain and burden acknowledging self responsibility brings? Imagine feeling nothing is ever your fault? There have been times when I wished I lacked enough reason and empathy to behave like this. There have been times (allbeit brief times) I wish that I was fully selfish enough to be able to focus purely on my own emotional impact without taking on board the emotional well being of those I care about. There are plenty of people who are happy enough to play 'parent' (or enabler) to an emotional vampire, and completely unable to see it in those terms – are they wrong? Or is our understanding of it wrong? My emotional vampire didn't see any problem with himself, neither would most 'emotional vampires' – I was the one with the problem. I was the one who was emotionally battered and drained by the situation – not him. It was my problem.
As for neediness though; as a singular entity, I don't consider 'neediness' a bad trait at all, it certainly isn't inherently bad. A lot of negative pop psych has been attributed to this emotion, mainly cause of the fear and insecurities that neediness highlights in ones self; whether it's highlighted by their own neediness or whether they have a needy partner. I have absolutely no problem giving lots of reassurance, and seeking it myself. Again, it's an issue of compatibility. It's almost as if the modern thinking on neediness is to deny oneself; to aspire to not desire or 'need' another person on an emotionally complex interactive level, in fear that people might not see them as independent adults, or fear of rejection. I find it hard to believe the majority have no desire for emotional interaction from a romantic partner. It only becomes a problem when you desire it significantly more or less than the person you are with.
I think if one is with someone who is labelling their partner an emotional vampire, it is important to reflect as to why one is handing out that label. By reflecting, I don't just mean mulling over 'his' bad habits and how it made you feel, I mean taking on board what it is about ones own personality that was attracted to, then wanted to bolt at 'his' personality. I feel there is far more growth, and ultimately happiness, at analysing the situation ruthlessly from both sides of the coin, as opposed to playing the label-blame game.
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