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Some advice needed from my peers please - 6/16/2009 9:38:54 AM

MissDominae

Posts: 94
Joined: 8/9/2008
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Hi everyone,
I'd appreciate a little advice if you have the time.

I ama Dominant and not inexperienced in the role, but I have difficulty attracting a submissive who is suitable. Being lesbian doesn't help as I automatically rule out 50% of the population through my own preference for a female submissive, but I never dreamed that the search would be such a challenging one.

The scene here in my home city is a vibrant one but it seems good subs are like the proverbial parking spots; all taken. I'm quite adept and happy to oblige with the physical/corporeal side of things and love mind play, but if I had to label myself I'd be a teacher or mummy-style domme without the age play aspect; I do not treat submissives as tools to be used up and discarded, try and ensure theygrow as submissives and as people in their vanilla lives and am very nurturing - and yes, I spell all of this out in my profile - yet I just don't seem to attract "quality" interest from suitable women.

I'm pretty much limited to online contact in the first instance as I am disabled (with MS) and can't travel to venues alone, so I'm in the classic Catch 22; I would get out much more and meet more people if I had a submissive, but it seems I won't get a submissive's interest unless I get out more and meet more people~!

There's probably no simple answer to this - in fact, there may not even BE an answer - but any advice from you as to other methods or approaches I might consider would be gratefully received.

My thanks for reading ........... Olivia

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RE: Some advice needed from my peers please - 6/16/2009 9:52:55 AM

Lockit

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Joined: 5/7/2007
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Hello Olivia. I can relate to what you're saying as I am ill and care for a disabled son and getting out is difficult. Getting out enough to get to know people and be out there where all the action is enough to make something happen is nearly impossible. I have had to depend on meeting online and I have recently decided not to do that as I am wasting a lot of time I would rather use for other things. I have met submissive men in person doing every day things and got a bit lucky in that respect, but still, there isn't anyone I would do more than play with for a time.

I don't have the answers for you and like you, am not sure there are answers! If you find them, do let me know! lol I just wanted to encourage you and say that you are not alone and some of us do understand very well, as you and I are not alone in this!

It can be a thing of luck maybe and you find one right away that is wonderful or it can be a long time in coming. I think the real trick to it all is finding a balance in it all and not thinking of the things you cannot have and find as that will depress you. It isn't just this way for us who have some challenges... it is often like this for those who are perfectly healthy and can get out all the time.

Hang in there and I hope you will be well... and lucky!

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RE: Some advice needed from my peers please - 6/16/2009 9:58:00 AM

MissDominae

Posts: 94
Joined: 8/9/2008
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Thanks so much Lockit....it's sad to hear you're in a similar situation but gratifying to know that I'm not the only one experiencing the issue.

It's hard to avoid being depressed by it. I'm by nature a pretty positive person and I keep hoping and dreaming and being open to the possibilities each new day may bring, but when weeks string into months into years it can become very wearying. You end up feeling that you're doing something wrong and that can quickly turn into thinking "there's something wrong with me".

Thanks for the well-wishes. I'll keep hanging in and who knows; my luck could change at any time.

Blessings ........ Olivia

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RE: Some advice needed from my peers please - 6/16/2009 10:23:46 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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I'm sorry you can't do more than online because frankly in my experience and observations over the years that really really puts a serious limit on the potential partners you can meet and how you can connect to them. Hopefully someone who has had success online can offer you better advice and some lists of places to search.

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RE: Some advice needed from my peers please - 6/16/2009 10:29:52 AM

Lockit

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I know exactly what you mean by the day by day, week into month, month into years. I am getting darn close to the years thing without a loving relationship that is ongoing. For me, I have been through the times when you wonder if you will actually die single, unloved by a mate and for the most part, alone. Thankfully for me, those days are fewer than the hopeful days or the days of acceptance without pain. But when one of those days hits... omg... somebody put me out of my pain because I just want to sleep through it! lol

It is a struggle sometimes to know you wake up alone, go through the day alone, go to bed alone and there is no one there to play with or just do every day things with. You often don't feel good enough to go to a lot of effort and might even get down because even if you put a lot of effort into things... still nothing could happen. You know you are okay and able and yet whatever the situation is, it limits you and that gets to your head sometimes. It can be a struggle. But I do believe there is hope and reason for hope and that there are other things that can fill the spots. Maybe not the same, but something.

I hope you find your somethings and love too!

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RE: Some advice needed from my peers please - 6/16/2009 10:52:20 AM

PeonForHer

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This will almost certainly seem weak and you'll have thought of it all already - but, what the hell . . . .

Do you make the best out of the online experience? Not just in terms of the websites you use, but also the technology? Specifically, webcams, microphones - all of which are cheap . . . Videos, so that a potential can see your expressions, see you move . . . to make connections feel that bit more real.

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RE: Some advice needed from my peers please - 6/16/2009 11:03:56 PM

firefey

Posts: 144
Joined: 1/25/2005
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while i don't really have advice about meeting subs, i wonder what you are doing to improve your mobility. are you making friends with local dominants or taken subs who don't mind being of help to you? certainly getting out more will increase your chances. and nothing says it has to be your sub who's helping.

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RE: Some advice needed from my peers please - 6/17/2009 3:39:37 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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Hello Olivia. I hope you don't mind but I perved your profile to see if I could learn a little more about you before replying. I was already rather impressed with you from your comments in another thread (we can talk about that later) and I want to welcome you here.

I have heard of the wonderful scene in your city and it would get to Me, too, if I couldn't participate in it at least once in a while. To Me, that would be worse than not having a D/s dynamic. (I'm rather social.) I think what firefey had to say was excellent. Is there any way you can start talking with folks locally in the scene that might be willing to help get you out to meet people? Even if you don't meet that perfect sub for you, getting out with other like minded folks is good for your over all well being. Would you be open to the idea of becoming friends with other Dominants who could help you go to munches and such?

On the other part, I'm going to repeat something that I said to someone last week. You don't really think folks in the lifestyle are part of some perfect physical abilities club, do you? If so, you'd be mistaken. There are lots of people actively participating in wiitwd who have various issues. If you connect with the right person, the MS isn't going to matter.

In the meantime, we're more than happy to let you hang out here with us. We're not a bad bunch. Welcome to the forums.

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RE: Some advice needed from my peers please - 6/17/2009 3:55:07 AM

berrysurprise

Posts: 75
Joined: 9/4/2006
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i think you are right LadyPact. If you (OP) can connect with the right person (Domme or sub, male or female... with disabilities or without) maybe you can entrust in them to support you to be more active in the community's lifestyle... That could give you the opportunity to meet new people in the lifestyle and maybe even open your options enough to find your ideal sub.

Your risk is finding someone that you can trust enough... maybe even approaching a bdsm club or group and seeking a representative that could even escort you to an event one night. I am not sure if that is a possiblitly in your city as i am in Australia. But maybe you could contact some places in hopes that they have someone that can be verified by others as safe and sane.

We are always here either way...

Good luck sweetie!

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RE: Some advice needed from my peers please - 6/17/2009 6:58:38 AM

RedMagic1

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May I ask how you present your debilities to someone you are interested in? Your posts demonstrate someone with a good heart and a fine mind. You also were born intersexed and have MS. The first two things will attract serious people, and the last two things will be a concern to most people. So the issue becomes: how do you address those concerns?

I would suggest some version of: "Those two obstacles are part of what made me what I am today. The strength of character and kindness toward others that you seem to like ... well, it might not be there if I hadn't had to struggle so much." Don't present an illness as a reason someone should not consider you. Present it as part of the total package.

Also, firefey touched on something important. Are you expecting that your future sub will be your servant for everything? That would put off a lot of people. On the other hand, if you have friends who drive you here and there, even occasionally, then your potential sub will see that she is part of a support network, instead of getting freaked because she would be your only support network.

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