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Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 3:35:23 PM

MissDee45

Posts: 14
Joined: 6/14/2009
Status: offline

Hi everyone

I have only just joined on here and hoping to discover my submissive side as I believe I do.

I have started chatting to a Dom who so far I feel good about and feel comfortable with. Dom has been asking me questions to get to know me and feel that my answers are sometimes lame not that he is making me feel that not at all I think it is me and with some acts sexually I am saying maybe or no to.

Is the relationship between Dom and sub like a contract between the two of you? If I say no to certain things does that mean I am not submissive?

Hope you can help and that my questions are understandable lol I am a little lost at how to ask questions and what questions to ask if that makes sense.

I can describe it as when I read posts on here I am not turned off mor turned on

thank you

MissDee

Post #: 1

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 3:38:41 PM

Asherdelampyr

Posts: 9556
Joined: 11/14/2006
From: The Desert
Status: offline

Speaking from the other side of the slash

As a general rule, yes it does indeed work like a contract, not everyone will be able to handle everything. It doesnt make you any less anything to have hard limits (Things that you will not do no matter what)

_____________________________

Pirate King,

The nicest man you'll ever bleed for

Posting Help

Vitam Piratae Eligo

The Rainmaker

(in reply to MissDee45)

Post #: 2

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 3:42:39 PM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

At onset, I know boundaries--he has to be able to say no, we have to be able to discuss--no might change, no might stand but those two things HAVE to be in place at all times.

< Message edited by CatdeMedici -- 6/18/2009 4:12:19 PM >

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to MissDee45)

Post #: 3

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 3:43:05 PM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline

And now for something completely different.

This lifestyle is everything you want it to be and none of what you don't.

If you are finding you are unable to be comfortable enough to surrender to this Dominant then maybe he is NOT the dominant for you. If you find you are Balking simply for a power play then perhaps you need to let yourself go and see if you enjoy what you discuss.

andi is my slave because she is everything that I want and I am everything that she wants. We work together. Just because you find you have no interest in the things a particular dominant likes doing does not make you not submissive it just makes you choosy about what you take pleasure in doing.

I think you need to take your time expecially if you are only now learning about the submissive side f yourself it might take a little more than a few conversations to get that submissive out.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Asherdelampyr)

Post #: 4

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 4:42:15 PM

maia09

Posts: 113
Joined: 6/10/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissDee45

Hi everyone

I have only just joined on here and hoping to discover my submissive side as I believe I do.

I have started chatting to a Dom who so far I feel good about and feel comfortable with. Dom has been asking me questions to get to know me and feel that my answers are sometimes lame not that he is making me feel that not at all I think it is me and with some acts sexually I am saying maybe or no to.

Is the relationship between Dom and sub like a contract between the two of you? If I say no to certain things does that mean I am not submissive?

Hope you can help and that my questions are understandable lol I am a little lost at how to ask questions and what questions to ask if that makes sense.

I can describe it as when I read posts on here I am not turned off mor turned on

thank you

MissDee

Well since you're just discovering your submissive side, i'd avoid entering any kind of contract right away. Perhaps it's best to find those who are willing to assist you in discovering what you like, don't like both on the receiving end and the expectations end.

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.

"I will always be the virgin-prositute, the perverse angel, the two-faced sinister and saintly woman." - Anais Nin

Owned by Chairman

(in reply to MissDee45)

Post #: 5

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 5:59:00 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Saying no to things is called having limits. Saying, "No, but under the right conditions I might consider it" is a soft limit. Saying, "Hell, no. NEVER!!!" is a hard limit.

I'm a Dominant, and I have limits too - things I'll never do. Limits are not bad things nor good things - they simply help define parts of us.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to maia09)

Post #: 6

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 6:04:37 PM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissDee45

Hi everyone

I have only just joined on here and hoping to discover my submissive side as I believe I do.

I have started chatting to a Dom who so far I feel good about and feel comfortable with. Dom has been asking me questions to get to know me and feel that my answers are sometimes lame not that he is making me feel that not at all I think it is me and with some acts sexually I am saying maybe or no to.

Is the relationship between Dom and sub like a contract between the two of you? If I say no to certain things does that mean I am not submissive?

Hope you can help and that my questions are understandable lol I am a little lost at how to ask questions and what questions to ask if that makes sense.

I can describe it as when I read posts on here I am not turned off mor turned on

thank you

MissDee

Most often when you say no to certain things or activities it's either you are unsure about the activities, it goes against your core moral values, it just plain weirds you out or a host of other reasons yet it doesn't detract from your submissiveness. Especially one who is just starting to explore this, we have no idea what all we like, what will turn us on or what will have us running scared! It's educating ourselves and exploring at a pace which suits the individual person that helps them to embrace all that they are.

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to MissDee45)

Post #: 7

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 6:13:04 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

If you say no to things that are important to him, then you probably won’t be submissive to him. That just means you need to find someone you can say yes to!
I think it is much better to know yourself well enough to realize what you cannot do and stand firm than to submit to something that will make you feel bad about yourself.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to MissDee45)

Post #: 8

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 7:00:34 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissDee45

Hi everyone

I have only just joined on here and hoping to discover my submissive side as I believe I do.

I have started chatting to a Dom who so far I feel good about and feel comfortable with. Dom has been asking me questions to get to know me and feel that my answers are sometimes lame not that he is making me feel that not at all I think it is me and with some acts sexually I am saying maybe or no to.

Is the relationship between Dom and sub like a contract between the two of you? If I say no to certain things does that mean I am not submissive?

Hope you can help and that my questions are understandable lol I am a little lost at how to ask questions and what questions to ask if that makes sense.

I can describe it as when I read posts on here I am not turned off mor turned on

thank you

MissDee

Submissive doesn't mean brainless, or that you shouldn't expect the proper attention to your own preferences, or that you are not allowed to have hard limits. We all have hard limits. For example: even the most submissive among us would be crazy to let someone hack off our (fill in the blank- arm, leg, whatever- you get the idea...) We all need to have good common- sense limits, and/ or choose a partner who will choose good common-sense limits on our behalf.

Don't be so taken with the first person who comes along who seems promising to you, that you fail to see that your needs and/or preferences don't match up well.

Look for someone whose needs and preferences in and out of the bedroom (and/or D/s) fit well with yours to begin with. Someone who will show by his actions that your own needs and desires, your happiness and fulfillment, are very important to him. Don't settle for less.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to MissDee45)

Post #: 9

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 7:56:26 PM

MissDee45

Posts: 14
Joined: 6/14/2009
Status: offline

Thank you all sooooo much for your input and most of all the advice.

It has helped immensely and has given me lots to think about.

Very much appreciated

MissDee

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 10

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 8:19:27 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

It has helped immensely and has given me lots to think about.

For your sake, I hope you will get to more meaningful conversations with him. You are not having one with us.

(in reply to MissDee45)

Post #: 11

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 8:26:23 PM

PrincessDonna

Posts: 189
Joined: 7/7/2006
Status: offline

It still amazes me that there are those that "get to know each other" by talking about sex,that is only a PART of who each person is.I try to start getting to know someone by finding out what their personal goals may be just as who they are,in my world there has to be trust there so that the topic of sex is never uncomfortable but just happens,Good Luck

(in reply to antipode)

Post #: 12

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/18/2009 11:56:43 PM

atypicalsub

Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
Status: offline

I am in my first D/s relationship and have been into the lifestyle barely a year now.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having some limits, in fact I think it is very healthy. If you browse through profiles on here will you see a good number of dominants say they don't want a door mat. I started out with a pretty fair number of limits which my Mistress agreed to honor. As I have lived with her and trust between us has grown most of them have slowly melted away. There are still a few things I can't do for her and she knows what subjects not to push. The things that started as limits that she wanted to do with me were discussed several times until I told her I was ready to try. Then she would start out gradually and work up to whatever had been a limit. When doing this having safe words, or a signal, is very important. You have to have a way to let your dominant know if it is going too fast or too far. This is also where trust is vital, because a safe word is useless if you are not certain your dominant will stop when you give the signal. There are still a few things that remain as hard limits but not nearly as many as when I first moved in with her.

She also has a couple of limits, things she says she could not do to me. It is worth noting that these are specific to me. She has specific limits with each sub she plays with, indivigually based on what she knows about the sub. Some of these are based on physical capacities or limitations, others are because of mental or emotional issues.

Before I met my Mistress I occational scenes with a couple of local Doms. No big contracts or commitments on either side; just discussions of what activities might be included and knowing that nothing was promised from either side beyond the one night. Not all of them were great scenes but these were good learning experiences for me. It allowed me to try a few things I wasn't certain and clarify in my own mind what I would be able to handle in a long term situation.

Since you are just begining you should talk to people in the lifestyle and ask lots of questions. Being on here is a good start. Try to find a group that holds munches near you and get to know people there. I was very fortunate in being befriended by a Domme who ran a local group. I never scened with her but she explained things to me and got me invited to a party where I could watch things I wasn't sure about and talk to the people involved.

_____________________________

Polyamorous, solitary eclectic pagan, pansexual slut, and personal pet of MistressYes

"Do not do anything you are ashamed of, and don't be ashamed of anything you do"
(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)

(in reply to MissDee45)

Post #: 13

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/19/2009 4:38:32 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

And now for something completely different.

This lifestyle is everything you want it to be and none of what you don't.

If you are finding you are unable to be comfortable enough to surrender to this Dominant then maybe he is NOT the dominant for you. If you find you are Balking simply for a power play then perhaps you need to let yourself go and see if you enjoy what you discuss.

andi is my slave because she is everything that I want and I am everything that she wants. We work together. Just because you find you have no interest in the things a particular dominant likes doing does not make you not submissive it just makes you choosy about what you take pleasure in doing.

I think you need to take your time expecially if you are only now learning about the submissive side f yourself it might take a little more than a few conversations to get that submissive out.

Steel

QFT

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 14

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/19/2009 6:11:52 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I have one really weird limit. I panic at the thought of a duct tape gag, or any tape gag for that matter. He laughs at this, but respects it. And I'm submissive.

Limits come in all kinds of forms, from physical limitations like a sprained ankle you need to work around for a couple of weeks to asthma prohibiting gas masks and other breath play. Or mental/emotional stuff like no belts because that was the favorite weapon of your abusive stepfather.

And then there's the stuff we might consider someday if the relationship deepens to that point. For many people, that's anal. They've had a bad experience or two and can't do it now, but if they got to trust the guy, and if he spent weeks working her up to it, they think they might be able to do it.

All kinds of limits exist, and none of it has to do with being submissive or not, just with what's in your best interest. And even if this guy is the best guy in the world, he simply doesn't know you as well as you. I've been with the man for several years now and he still can't read my mind. He still doesn't know when my bad ankle is acting up unless I tell him. And sometimes that means in the middle of things when it announces it's had enough and I need out of that tie now.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 15

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/19/2009 6:17:57 AM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

You have been given a lot of good advice, which is nice to see. Do not ever let anyone tell you that you are or are not a submissive. Search within yourself and becareful on who you choose to be a Dom. too. You have that right to be selective. Best of luck on your new journey.

oceanwinds

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/19/2009 7:49:35 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I have been with my Master for over 3 years and he knows what my hard limits are ie: things i would NEVER do and he respects them all (not that there are a grat number of them) My soft limits ie: things i may do if discussed prior he has pushed and i expected him to do so. There is nothing wrong with saying no to something you think might harm you physically, emotionally or mentally. No is not a dirty word. Master and i happen to have a contract we also have a safe word. We need it because sometimes i when we are playing i will say no, but unless i use my safe word Master knows i don't mean no. We have had several discussions about this. You don't need a contract, but if it will make you feel better go for it. You should get to know this dom as a person first. BDSM is not all about sex.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 17

RE: Rules, boundaries and saying no - 6/19/2009 7:28:18 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

If you are just starting, you may not know what your limits are.

When I started with my Sir, I couldn't tell him what my limits were, because i hadn't done most of the activities - ergo, i didn't know if i loved, liked or hated them. In the past three years we have tried many things, and some of them i didn't care for, some i didn't like, and some i REALLY didn't like. Now, i still don't have limits other than the obvious ( no physical injuries, no death), and my Sir is aware of how i feel about the things we do.

It worked for me because of the man and dominant that my Sir is. I got very lucky with him.

and the point of this little ramble - you don't have to know your limits, but you need to make sure that any dominant you play with understands WHY you don't have limits.

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 18

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