TRUBLED TIMES

Edited bi Bita Truble Cost: Fucking Priceless
Date: Duh, it's today Issue #18

Welcome to the Trubled Times, THE BDSM lifestyle newspaper for perverts, deviants, wankers, wannabes and everyone in-between. This newspaper is published bimonthly or whenever the fuck I feel like doing it. Sit back, throw a sub across your lap, get your coffee enemas ready and learn a thing or two about the ONE TRUE WAY to practice BDSM. It's highly recommended that you open your browser window to full size, but hey.. whatever the fuck you wanna do is fine with me.

Recently, I've seen a lot of Pro Dommes getting flamed over in the Dommes Dressed as Hookers thread and I thought it was time to set the record straight. The flames have been a bit on the low side, and the Dommes just haven't been getting cooked to perfection. Well, I'm here to help you all out so I offer this recipe for all those amateur chefs. Today's article is entitled...



While it's perfectly acceptable to eat your Domme raw, there are several out there who prefer their Dommes succulent, juicy and roasted to perfection. This article is for those who have always wanted to Flame a Domme, but just never knew how.

Before you start, gather together your utensils and ingredients so you don't have to go scrambling for much needed items in the middle of basting. It's very important NOT to overcook your Domme or she will get too tough, taste like leather and then you'll have to spit her out which is just plain rude. Dommes are not cheap, and if you burn one, you might not be able to afford another.

Ingredients & Utensils Required for this recipe:

One Domme, dressed to kill ::we'll discuss how to dress a Domme later in the recipe:: Size and weight of the Domme will depend upon how many people you are going to feed.
One large gaping hole - dig your pit deep because if you do this wrong, the Domme's gonna bury you in it.
One weapon of choice - very often those trying to Flame a Domme forget this vital step. NEVER approach a Domme who you intend to Flambe without a weapon. And no, your 12" cock doesn't count. She'll just chop it off and use it as a hot-dog at the next Packers game.
Several large banana leaves
Charcoal & lighter fluid
Matches
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper - feel free to add more if you like an extra spicy Domme
1/2 small purple onion
One lemon, zested
One large apple - Red delicious is best, but if you're into wrinkles, use a Granny. The green adds to your visual presentation
2 sprigs Rosemary ::if you can't find Rosemary, I hear that Phyllis is available on Tuesday nights::
Salt and Pepper to taste


First dig your hole. 6' x 6' ix 6' is generally sufficient. Fill your hole with charcoal. If you can't get all the charcoal into your hole, ask the Domme to help you. They are great at shoving things into holes. Squirt your fluid all over your hole and set it ablaze.

Now it's time to dress your Domme. This can be an expensive undertaking, but it's an absolute requirement for this recipe. If you're a cheap bastard, get out of the sub business and turn into a HIGH LORD MASTER, then you can send your harem out to earn a living while you laze about and eat bon bons waiting for them to come home and worship your feet. ::we'll get to the Masters in upcoming issues, no worries - and for all those submissives and slaves out there, don't believe for a moment that you're safe either. I'm an equal opportunity editor:: Back to the recipe. To dress your Domme properly you need...


WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING

We interrupt this newsletter for this important public service announcement!

The Fucking Dom Attitude Central Operations Coalition Kiosk has reported a serious outbreak of Submissive Running Amok, also know as SRA. The FDA-COCK has confirmed that this disease is HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS! If you have any submissives in your care it is recommended you take immediate action to prevent contamination. Our esteemed VP has already had to shoot one submissive who had the nerve to stand up while wearing an orange vest! Submissive should always be red, not orange! If your submissive is red, or at least has a nice pink blush, then you can, generally, assume they have not yet been contaminated, but watch them closely for signs of the disease Symptoms include but are not limited to: being unable to keep their tongues inside their mouths, getting cheeky while they are face up, kneeling before you and tying your shoe laces together while you are scolding them, suddenly deciding that you hit like a girl and getting you a power membership at Gold's Gym and running with scissors.

It is YOUR responsibility to protect the public from contamination by these dangerous creatures. Any Dom who has not taken the proper steps to ensure public safety will be subject to a fine and possible jail time which will include a complete body cavity search by a gorilla named Benny.

Protect yourself, protect your fellow Doms. A complete saran wrap mummification of the subject in question is the best way to keep out the air born virus which spreads the disease. After trying to kill one submissive, Dick Cheny also recommends the use of Duct Tape. We're not sure why, but hey, he's the fucking Vice President, so get your ass down to Home Depot or Lowe's and get some.

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled newsletter.


.. continue to turn and baste and when the timer goes off remove the scewer. Let the Domme rest for 20 mins so all those juices can reabsorb.

Now that you've got your Domme all nicely roasted, it's time to eat! In many cultures fingers are quite acceptable to use on your Domme, so feel free. If you have followed the recipe exactly, your Domme will be tender, juicy and finger licking good!

Bon Appetite!


ASK THE EDITOR bi Bita Truble

Dear Bita Truble,

Lately my Dom has been picking on me. He's so demanding and I'm not sure what to do. He goes to work all day and leaves me alone and I've been feeling neglected. Then when he gets home he expects me to do stuff that I just don't feel like doing. I mean, my life is really hard and he doesn't seem to understand. My two favorite soaps are on at the same time, so I always have to TIVO one of them and that's just a pain in the ass. Since I'm always naked and don't have pockets for $, the pizza delivery guy wants me to spank him for my pizza and that makes me cry. On top of all that, the Dom guy wants SERVICE when he gets home. WTF? I'm an emotional mess. Help me!

SAM in Kenosha
+++++

Dear Sam,

You've been contaminated!! Go to your Dom immediately and have him do a complete saran wrap mummification, then have him call 1-800-FDA-COCK for further instructions.


Bita

~~~~~~~~~

Dear Bita Truble

Did you know that you spelled trouble wrong?

Grammar Nazi
+++++

Dear Nazi,

I don't give away my trubled O's to just anyone, ya know. I save them all for Master.

Bita

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MOVIES IN REVIEWbi Bita Truble

They all suck.

ONE TRUE WAYbi Bita Truble

Each issue features an article on ONE TRUE WAY to practice BDSM. This is THE way to practice the given subject. Any deviation from THE ONE TRUE WAY means you are a fake, wannabe, idiot or loser, take your pick. Don't let anyone try to tell you that their way is OK. IT'S NOT! I'm so tired of all these wankers thinking they can practice BDSM just any old way they choose. Today's article features the TRUE AND REAL definitions of several common terms.


Peacock - it's a fucking bird, not your cutesy term for Golden Showers and not an indication of the cock size of the average HNG.

Weed Wacker - it's used to trim the lawn, not your pubes. It is NOT a Pot smoking Dom.

String Theory - what am I, a fucking scientist? Look it up lazy ass.

Passing Wind - it's a fart, ok? It's always BEEN a fart, it will always BE a fart and your Dom will utilize this release whenever he chooses. It's not a line from your 87th poem on how much your Dom means to you and what an Uber-Dom he is indeed.

Well, that's that. When I sink so low as to start including fart jokes, it's time to quit.

Bi bi

DISCLAIMER

Any and all comments, complaints, flames, etc regarding this newsletter will be edited and used against the sender in future issues.

Complaints regarding this issue can be sent, in triplicate to someone who gives a damn although you should trust me when I say, no one does, so keep your fucking whining to yourself.


Justa Bita Knotta Buncha Truble
Editor-in-Chief