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RE: Learning Experience - 6/22/2009 9:08:35 PM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: nessalovestats
I understand that at times, I put things off just out of laziness or lack of motivation, but that shouldn't be an excuse for him to disobey and threaten that he jsut wants to "put an end"to it all.

One of my favorite sayings is: "Assume nothing except responsibility."

He is responsible for his behavior no matter what you do. However... you are responsible for your behavior no matter what he does -- and you want the leadership role in the BDSM relationship. When things are going well, the leader can sit on her butt and have the slave peel grapes and give foot massages. But when things are going poorly, like now, the leader needs to haul ass and lead.

It is your job to solve the problem. Schedule a "staycation" at a hotel/motel you can afford, or just go camping out in the middle of frikkin nowhere. Take all your toys and rock his motherfucking world, and make sure he rocks yours twice as much.

Make your play playful again. Your mission, should you choose to accept it..........

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

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RE: Learning Experience - 6/23/2009 6:42:21 AM

Andalusite

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Joined: 1/25/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Venatrix

Dominants don't panda to subs.

You don't have to take such a black-and-white view of it!

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RE: Learning Experience - 6/23/2009 6:47:34 AM

Andalusite

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I'm in a somewhat similar situation at the moment - my Master has vanilla housemates, so we have to keep the kinky stuff quiet, or go to playparties, or occasionally to my place. He's planning to move to his own place at the end of the month, so it won't be an issue anymore, but neither of us would be happy if we weren't doing *any* play on a regular basis. It's pretty important to both of us. I agree that the D/s dynamic should extend outside of play, and perhaps shouldn't even *require* play, but the relationship in general does need regular intimacy of that nature to meet our needs and stay healthy.

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RE: Learning Experience - 6/23/2009 7:51:00 AM

nessalovestats

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Thank you to everyone who posted for your insight, so far. I would like to let everyone know that we do schedule hotel visits at least every other month. More if we can afford to do so. I have been trying my hardest to LEAD, at all times. My determination gets shaken however when i am accused of "not committing" just because we don't play. I know that we need more than we are having, I look at him sometimes and know that i need to get it out for me, and he needs it as well. I think mainly what I am looking for in this thread is someone else telling him that, due to circumstances beyond my control, we can't do (full out dressed, kinky, loud sessions) and that sometimes the little meaningful things HAVE to be able to make up for that. We lived on our own for quite awhile in the beginning of our relationship, and this wasn't an issue unless something medical came up. So, he knows that play is a big part of our life and that I love to do it, but I don't think he understands how uncomfortable it is for me to do it in our present living situation, and he urges me to do more than I am ok with on a regular basis. Maybe this will lead more insight in to our situation.

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RE: Learning Experience - 6/23/2009 8:26:22 AM

Andalusite

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In between times, can you do stuff like pull his hair, bite him, use nipple clamps, having him kneel, crawl, or stand in the corner, do CBT, maybe knifeplay with a dull knife, and other very quiet activities (maybe even add a gag), just as little physical intimacies/reminders? Especially if they are mixed in with sex and other intimacy (kissing, massages, etc.). When he does chores, can you whisper little things (vanilla and kinky) in his ear? Of course, you shouldn't be in a tit-for-tat situation, or feel obligated to play when you're not in the mood, but there are ways to make it a part of your regular lives together without advertising it to other people in the house or your neighbors.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 6/23/2009 8:27:15 AM >

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RE: Learning Experience - 6/23/2009 9:48:07 AM

Lockit

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What is he doing to change the living situation so that he can get more? Is he just complaining and blaming you or is he activily doing something to bring a real change about? Who's fault is it that you both cannot freely do what you both want to do? Is there a fault or just circumstances?

So when a medical thing came up when living together, his response was the same... he wants more and gets pouty and bent out of shape when he can't get what he wants. So be afraid of things... life happening and this continuing.

Not my idea of fun and he wouldn't be the first I walked away from. If he knows you won't walk away... he knows he can get away with it. What is the motivation to change?

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RE: Learning Experience - 6/23/2009 5:32:00 PM

DesFIP

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Assign him the job of sound proofing the room. But a white noise machine plus a stereo or tv will help enormously, as will gags. However there's lots of physical play that doesn't have to be that noisy. Restraints, vampire gloves, pinching, clamps, etc.

He needs more play to be happy and you aren't much interested in physical play. What about him seeing a pro domme once a month to get his physical needs met. You might be able to co top there, with her or your toys. And she may have other ideas for quiet play.

I get pissy if I don't get any play for weeks on end. Most people do. And telling him that he should be happy he isn't getting what he needs isn't going to make it so. Solve the play problem and then let him earn sessions, whether three hours straight or just 20 minutes of clothespins all over then struck off with a wooden spoon.

However I wouldn't have that much motivation to submit to someone who puts things off because of laziness and lack of motivation. If he can't count on you keeping your word, then why should he submit?

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