RE: Asking for help

RE: Asking for help (Full Version)

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LaTigresse -> RE: Asking for help (6/24/2009 3:28:04 PM)
Oh hell, I haven't a sincerely submissive bone in my body and I HATE asking for help! I would rather do it all for myself.

subtlebutterfly -> RE: Asking for help (6/24/2009 3:43:40 PM)
I'm gonna copy paste tigers reply...minus the first 11 words or so... I hate asking for help, don't know how to and usually feel like an ass if I need to........aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand well..doing it yourself is usually the easiest and most hassle free way.

danielh -> RE: Asking for help (6/24/2009 7:15:04 PM)
You're going to dominate yourself?? About the original question... we still on topic here???

allisonludwig -> RE: Asking for help (6/24/2009 7:51:17 PM)
I have a hard time with this one, too. It took me a long time to realize with my husband/dominant that a lot of it is related to me always having lived my life meeting my own needs, as most people in my life did not meet them (childhood on up). With my ex, I was the one that kept us afloat (even though he was supposedly the dominant, lol). I have to continue to remind myself to speak up when I want things. A lot of my anxiety stems from money. Growing up, my family was pretty poor, so I hardly dared to ask for anything. Now, I don't have to worry so much about money, but that stuff is almost hardwired in me. I have to remind myself to just let go of that stuff and let my husband/dom decide what he wants to do or will direct me to do. I'm glad you posted on this; it sounds like it's a tough one for a lot of others, too. Allison

subtlebutterfly -> RE: Asking for help (6/25/2009 10:48:12 AM)
Do you know what "MINUS" means?

vasha -> RE: Asking for help (6/27/2009 2:08:49 AM)
gawd yes. disturbing too. to want... injury. and not be able to ask. we are conditioned from childhood not to injure ourselves so asking can be difficult. even tho intellectually we know its going to be superficial, consentual, and will heal in short order. emotional duress can often trigger this. at least in my case. =\

onestandingstill -> RE: Asking for help (6/27/2009 7:06:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kalista07 Recently i've become increasingly aware that i have a difficult time asking for what i need. On an emotional level it makes no sense... i guess i'm wondering if asking for things is difficult for anyone else, and if anyone else has ever overcome this at all? Thanks, Kali Hi Kali, You may not like my answer, but I think I can help you put your finger on what's bugging you because I see what causes me to be the same way. You may have a fear of emotional dependency like I do. I am a control freak when it comes to myself in many ways. Part of that is I'd rather do without something than to have to ask. For me it comes from asking often for things only to find disappointment instead of what I ask for as a child. I also have huge trust and abandonment issues. I don't like to ask anything of anyone because it makes me feel needy and vulnerable. I like to entertain the foolish notion that I can fully take care of myself and everyone around me and need no help from anyone other than God. This gives me this false sense of a safety net. You see if I can do it all myself I don't have to lean on, or rely on anyone else helping me, protecting me, or supporting me. I have learned in my life to behave like the 3 year old and think I can do everything myself is a huge character defect in me. I work daily at trying to resolve the fear I have of needing to depend on others. If you don't ask they can't say no, but at the same time you allow no person the opportunity to help you out, or to say yes. I am working on allowing and asking others to help me. Slowly I am learning to trust that I do not have to keep my walls up all the time to be safe. It's hard to let go of the fear of abandonment and disappointment, but wonderful to find loving caring people who can pitch in and help me be the best I can be. It's a slow process to open trust up. It's also a slow process to allow myself to count and be worthy of others help and love. One day I hope to be able to trust loved ones and friends have my best interests at heart just like I have for them. In time I hope to heal the old wounds that make me retreat into my own I can take care of me just fine mode also. Be Well, suzanne

kiwisub12 -> RE: Asking for help (6/27/2009 10:11:43 AM)
I don't so much have a problem with asking Sir for help. It took me a while to get used to it, but if i refuse to ask for help than i am being dominant in that i am deciding what i share with my Sir. I trust my Sir and his dominance to be able to say yes or no, which makes it his decision to help or not. For me , asking for help is a way of submitting to my Sir. Try thinking about it that way. Also, if you make it more about him and the relationship, and less about you and your feelings, it will make it easier.

btlck -> RE: Asking for help (7/2/2009 11:45:04 PM)
Kalista, As a submissive, I agree that it is very hard to ask for things: Specific things that we may want. It just doesn't feel right to me. I like to think that a dominant will take the wheel and drive, but that is not always the case. It seems to me that you guys are working on it and it will come out alright. You wanted to be hurt on another level, and he wanted to be sure that he understood the situation, so there was a little pause there. That's good. A bit of a buzzkill maybe, but nonetheless a forward step. Something that that you can look back on. My advice: They say that information is power and I know that some dominants require their submissives to keep a daily diary in order to give them some insight into their very complex possession. Maybe that would be a good tool for you both. The greatest thing about a diary is that you write only what you feel, and want the other person to read, and it is there forever. There is no face to face conversation, and no negotiation in the heat of the moment. Rather, you leave your desires at their doorstep and walk away. They can take it and do what they will with it. It is a gift from you, the best sub you can be. It's not topping from below. It's feeding your top.

KateyCaine -> RE: Asking for help (7/4/2009 2:05:09 AM)
Asking for help, clarification on anything, affirmation, reassurance or anything really has always been difficult for me, and that is something Master Charles is helping me work through. One thing i love about Him is His patience with me. Irrational and unfounded fear of rejection and fear of losing His love and respect would often stop me from asking for anything i needed - i had spent so many years building up a self-sufficient, non-needy exterior to protect my heart from being broken, i believed that i would be seen as weak, needy or a burden to admit i had emotional needs. He was so wonderful to me this morning when i was in pieces, tearful and questioning myself after receiving a nasty message in my CM inbox from someone online, which made me doubt myself and feel like a complete fraud. His words of love and reassurance made me feel whole again when i had felt all over the place. He made me tell Him what i was feeling, why the message had affected me to that extent, why i felt so guilty, presumptuous and untruthful. i felt so truly bare and vulnerable, opening up to Him after deflecting for so many years. Asking for guidance and clarification felt SO scary to me at that moment (especially as it all had to do with Him and i living in different countries at the moment), as i thought i was letting Him see a part of me that He might not be okay with. Because that was a part of me that i i was scared of. He answered all the questions i had, everything i needed to know and hear. Hearing Him tell me that He owns me, that i am His, felt so comforting, like His arms around me. He told me how to deal with the malicious crap i had received last night, and made me feel stronger, with the warmth of His love for me wiping away my tears. He taught me to trust and to let go of that fear of being hurt, and that i can ask for help, guidance, comfort, and He will never rebuff me. k.

poeticfreak -> RE: Asking for help (7/5/2009 5:31:26 AM)
asking for something to fulfill a responsibility, no problem asking for something for someone else, no problem asking for something out of personal desire, almost impossible

Born2BMasochist -> RE: Asking for help (7/5/2009 8:34:30 AM)
Funny that this topic came up. It shed some light on an issue in my relationship. Last week, or so I was had weird feelings because it seemed to me i was always asking when it was ok for us to get together. I felt like why didnt he suggest it cause i felt if i was asking all the time, He really did not want to see me. I saw it as an act of forcing myself upon him. He stated that He likes me to ask because He enjoys the control of answering the question yes or no. Something along that lines. So I started realizing that we were getting together and not playing, He would ask me if i was disappointed we did not play, i am quick to say "No". But i was wondering if this too is a question He wants me to ask Him to make Him feel in control. So, ironically, I asked him? Do i need to ask for this too? This seeems very common among us S types and seems very common for our D types to want to help us change this.

agirl -> RE: Asking for help (7/5/2009 10:29:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Born2BMasochist Funny that this topic came up. It shed some light on an issue in my relationship. Last week, or so I was had weird feelings because it seemed to me i was always asking when it was ok for us to get together. I felt like why didnt he suggest it cause i felt if i was asking all the time, He really did not want to see me. I saw it as an act of forcing myself upon him. He stated that He likes me to ask because He enjoys the control of answering the question yes or no. Something along that lines. So I started realizing that we were getting together and not playing, He would ask me if i was disappointed we did not play, i am quick to say "No". But i was wondering if this too is a question He wants me to ask Him to make Him feel in control. So, ironically, I asked him? Do i need to ask for this too? This seeems very common among us S types and seems very common for our D types to want to help us change this. I have to admit that that would just frustrate and annoy me. I'm not here to make him feel in control....... I'm here because he IS. Well...ARE you disappointed that he doesn't play with you? If your quick * No* was a genuine response, fairplay. If you just said it because you ought to, why? I would tire very quickly of this type of game. agirl

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