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RE: True submission? - 6/23/2009 9:40:27 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		OP, and anyone else who has to deal with this kind of thing---go with your gut!  At the first meeting---shoot, at the first dozen meetings, maybe!---you and that other person do NOT have a D/s relationship.  You are two people getting to know each other.  If it does not feel right to you, don't do it! 

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to MakeMeSmile4U)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: True submission? - 6/23/2009 9:56:48 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		If you ran into some intriguing guy in the bookstore, sat down for a cup of coffee, and after some pleasant chat, he informed you that you would do (whatever), or you weren't a true or real woman/heterosexual/princess/whatever, would you laugh in his face and get up and leave?  Or if you said "no" and he got up and left, would you wonder if you did the right thing?

The rules are the same for meeting people, whether kink or vanilla.  Don't check your common sense at the door.

Cali


_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: True submission? - 6/23/2009 11:26:27 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5172
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		Next time you chat with him explain to him that no true Dominant would expect a submissive to obey without question before they had been able to develop mutual trust.  

(in reply to Subbieariana)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: True dominance? - 6/24/2009 4:23:14 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Using fast reply.......

Posts like the OP clue me in on the fuel for one of the common questions I've been asked by prospective s-types.

Them: "If we were to meet, how would you want me to dress?"

Me: "Ahhhhhh, in clothes.....whatever is appropriate for the weather and meeting location."

Usually that same sort disappear not long after. I wonder, opposite sides to the same wanker coin?

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 6/24/2009 4:24:04 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: True submission? - 6/24/2009 5:21:41 AM   
ZenDragoness


Posts: 372
Joined: 1/21/2006
From: Berlin/Germany
Status: offline
quote:

Or He was right and after clicking, IM's, chats, phone conversations



Can somebody please explain to me what method of contact clicking is?

_____________________________

aka Morgaine289

http://goldenerkern.blogspot.com/

(in reply to Subbieariana)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: True submission? - 6/24/2009 5:44:58 AM   
MissyMoon


Posts: 7
Joined: 5/27/2009
Status: offline 		You totally did the right thing. My Master and I had months of conversation and contact before we took that first step. For me, that was the only way to gain the required trust. It is different for everyone but you just need to listen to your inner warning voice. Take your time.


(in reply to ZenDragoness)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: True submission? - 6/24/2009 5:47:48 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If his goal was a relationship with you then he would have been focused on having you feel safe with him, instead of which he made you lose what little trust had been earned. Trust your gut, op, it didn't steer you wrong.

BTW he's probably married.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to MakeMeSmile4U)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: True submission? - 6/24/2009 7:48:27 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Subbieariana
He was still adamant that if I was a True submissive
This is what some "Doms" use to emotionally blackmail you into doing what they want.

Here's what he's thinking: "I really wanna get laid and she's starting to balk, but she's new enough to believe me if tell her that this is what ALL submissives do and that she's not a submissive if she doesn't do it."

Personally, I didn't submit or have sex until I was comfortable. Sometimes that meant that it didn't happen for a month of dating.

People tend to be on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. He's started this possible relationship off with emotional blackmail. Ask yourself, is this the kind of person that you want to be in a relationship with? If I were you, I'd end it. I mean no more emails, IMs, nothing. I'm willing to bet that after you end it with "I'm not comfortable with your approach", he'll start telling you what you want to hear to get you to have sex with him. Be strong and cut him off now.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 6/24/2009 7:49:38 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Subbieariana)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: True submission? - 6/24/2009 8:31:46 AM   
DagnyT


Posts: 43
Joined: 2/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ZenDragoness

quote:

Or He was right and after clicking, IM's, chats, phone conversations



Can somebody please explain to me what method of contact clicking is?


She means that they "clicked"; as in she felt they had that spark of "ooh, I like you, and I think you like me, and we seem to see things the same way".

It's lumped in with methods of communication though it is not one, like IM or whatnot.

To the OP: good for you for following your instincts. As a "true" dominant he should be thinking of your safety and comfort levels: you did not belong to him, you were under no obligation to submit to him in any way that exceeded said comfort levels.

ETA opinions

< Message edited by DagnyT -- 6/24/2009 8:35:21 AM >

(in reply to ZenDragoness)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: True submission? - 6/24/2009 9:14:44 AM   
Prinsexx


Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		FR
Well i don't know what partial submission is.
So to me it's always been a question of when and where.
You do have the right to say No when face to face. And you do reserve the right to rlease yourself if you set it up like that at the beginning. You also have the right to limits within your 'total submission' unless you set it up otherwise.
It's amazing how authority gets transferred.



_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to Subbieariana)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: True submission? - 6/24/2009 9:51:06 AM   
maia09


Posts: 113
Joined: 6/10/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Subbieariana

Hello everybody,
I thought I would ask you guys, both Dom/mmes and Subs who have more experience about something that Im not sure how to handle.
First of all Im a female sub :) and Im in search of  Dom.  I have an ad and I've gotten a nice amount of emails and stuff, now there's a particular Dom that caught my attention when He emailed me. We seemed to be on the same page with several things, likes. dislikes etc. We exchanged emails and the like, but after a while of talking to Him, -never met in person-He lives about 2 hrs from me -it was clear to me that He wanted me to submit to him completely from the get go.  I mean that would be our first meeting! I was a bit surprised and since I thought we shared a conection, I told him that. But he told me that He expected Realness, and that I wasnt allowed to question anything, only when submitting I could beg or ask for a certain thing.. nothing more.  I kept trying to explain that I needed to feel safe with the person Im with, and once knowing Him I'll submit and once the relationship grows-limits could be pushed etc etc...but He was still adamant that if I was a True submissive that wanted to submit et etc that I needed to go ahead and do it...
I didnt have a good feeling about it...I told him I needed to think about it, He basically said goodbye-and that's OK I guess what do you guys think?  Did I do the right thing? Or He was right and after clicking, IM's, chats, phone conversations I should have submitted to him overnight as He had requested?
Please I would like for honest opinions, yet respectful. Thanks!


Oh my - don't you know that only a twue Dom says these things. You have EVERY right to want time to learn about any Dominant before agreeing to anything. If someone attempts to convince you otherwise that's, imho, is a RED FLAG. Take care and best of everything on your journey.


_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.

"I will always be the virgin-prositute, the perverse angel, the two-faced sinister and saintly woman." - Anais Nin

Owned by Chairman


(in reply to Subbieariana)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: True submission? - 6/24/2009 2:39:33 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ZenDragoness

quote:

Or He was right and after clicking, IM's, chats, phone conversations



Can somebody please explain to me what method of contact clicking is?


Means that she felt they clicked through IMs, chats and phone calls. That they were on the same wavelength.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to ZenDragoness)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: True submission? - 6/24/2009 5:09:59 PM   
sweetsmileysub


Posts: 17
Joined: 4/30/2009
Status: offline 		A true dominate will always respect your wishes.  You did the right thing.  YOU always come first.

Sassy

(in reply to MakeMeSmile4U)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: True submission? - 6/24/2009 7:16:31 PM   
xiam


Posts: 148
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		I've had this very thing happen with a couple different people.  No no and no.  It may work for some, but such presumption, on either side,  is certainly not my cup of tea.  In fact, it makes me lose interest in the cup altogether.  The chemistry that two people establish via phone/chat unfortunately does not always carry over into reality.  (Or, when we're super lucky, the reality completely trumps the fantasy!  Ahem.)  It is my preference to just wait and see what happens.  :)

(in reply to Subbieariana)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: True submission? - 6/24/2009 7:28:01 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Did I do the right thing? Or He was right and after clicking, IM's, chats, phone conversations I should have submitted to him overnight as He had requested?


Why are you insecure about this?

FWIW, his technique is manipulative, an attempt at taking control of you in a way that prevents you from knowing enough to have some control or understanding of your situation. If you read the forums on a regular basis, you'll see a lot of that type of behaviour, it is basically what I'll call the "cyber ambush". Had you met him in a bar, IRL, he'd have had to go through the motions, but online one can try the bypass. It is amazing how many get away with this. I personally think it is abusive, and his quick disappearance only means one thing: if he had met with you, and given you a chance to get acquainted, you'd have run away screaming.

Do your own thing, and what is most important, don't second guess yourself. As others have observed, your gut is rarely wrong.

(in reply to Subbieariana)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: True submission? - 6/24/2009 10:36:34 PM   
penitentialarts


Posts: 43
Joined: 1/2/2009
Status: offline 		The words "True" and "Real" are red flags to me.  There is no True or Real way to do the things we do - everybody is different.

I have actually had the opposite problem.  I am currently looking for a sub, bottom, slave, or switch.  The last two have wanted me to jump into full domination mode the minute we first met in real life.  Not just domination in a scene, or sexual domination, but full domination in every sense of the word.  One was inexperienced, so that was understandable, but the other has been in organized scene since the early 80s, and should know better.

- Jesse

(in reply to MakeMeSmile4U)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: True submission? - 6/25/2009 7:10:24 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Subbieariana

Hello everybody,
I thought I would ask you guys, both Dom/mmes and Subs who have more experience about something that Im not sure how to handle.
First of all Im a female sub :) and Im in search of  Dom.  I have an ad and I've gotten a nice amount of emails and stuff, now there's a particular Dom that caught my attention when He emailed me. We seemed to be on the same page with several things, likes. dislikes etc. We exchanged emails and the like, but after a while of talking to Him, -never met in person-He lives about 2 hrs from me -it was clear to me that He wanted me to submit to him completely from the get go.  I mean that would be our first meeting! I was a bit surprised and since I thought we shared a conection, I told him that. But he told me that He expected Realness, and that I wasnt allowed to question anything, only when submitting I could beg or ask for a certain thing.. nothing more.  I kept trying to explain that I needed to feel safe with the person Im with, and once knowing Him I'll submit and once the relationship grows-limits could be pushed etc etc...but He was still adamant that if I was a True submissive that wanted to submit et etc that I needed to go ahead and do it...
I didnt have a good feeling about it...I told him I needed to think about it, He basically said goodbye-and that's OK I guess what do you guys think?  Did I do the right thing? Or He was right and after clicking, IM's, chats, phone conversations I should have submitted to him overnight as He had requested?
Please I would like for honest opinions, yet respectful. Thanks!


Good for you in listening to your gut.  It's not too hard to make someone feel connected to you.  It's all about doing what they have to do in order to earn your trust, sort of like an old high school boyfriend saying all the right things till he gets in your pants.

I hope you don't feel scared off of posting if you have a question or need advice. 

Welcome to the boards, and to CM.


_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to Subbieariana)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: True submission? - 6/25/2009 7:20:50 AM   
marysdream


Posts: 126
Joined: 5/31/2008
Status: offline 		you absolutely did the right thing! he was an idiot..i have had similar experiences..as subs or people in general never loose sight of your intuitive responses! people on here can be deceptive and have there own agenda! just remember you do not have to submit to someone just because he demands that of you. this is a relationship and you are right based on trust.
the scenario you are describing screams of a insecure...on line wanna be!
good luck
always use the good sense we are born with1
ree!

(in reply to Subbieariana)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: True submission? - 6/25/2009 8:27:53 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsmileysub

A true dominate will always respect your wishes.  You did the right thing.  YOU always come first.

Sassy


DOMINANT

And what really IS a true anything?


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to sweetsmileysub)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: True submission? - 6/25/2009 8:59:30 AM   
LadyHexx


Posts: 48
Joined: 2/27/2009
Status: offline 		I think you were 1000000000% right to run. I sometimes piss my submissives off, because they want to go alot faster than I will let them. The first 10 - 20 meetings with me are usualy just shooting the breeze about a million topics and having fun together to see if there is a connection. I am so glad for you that you followed your instincts and didnt get yourself into something that was abusive.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 40
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