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Am I too nice? - 6/24/2009 1:25:23 PM

Sixstringrequiem

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I'm gunna reiterate alot of what I put on my intro post, so bear with me.

Recently I'v been having more and more thoughts about kinky sex, dominating women and having them bend to my every desire, and the idea of a submissive women as always been a turn on for me. I used to feel bad about it though, I have always thought of men and women as equil, and this made me feel like deep down I was a chovenist pig. But not to long ago I met a girl on a chat room who was very interested in the idea of Sub/Dom relations and light BDSM, and after I asked her what about it appealed to her, I was not expecting the answer that I got.

To her, for her to give up all control, even of herself to a man, and for him to take control and do as he pleased to push her right to her limits without goin over them, it was all about trust. It wasn't about her getting abused and feeling like a slut, it was about her giving all her trust to a man. And it was then that I realised, that is what appealed to me. When you look beyound the kink, there is this really sweet romatic undertone to it all. I'm not looking to control a woman, as much as I am looking for one to unconditionally serve me.

Also I'v been looking online to do some "cutesy" play, but everyone either seems to find it to be too much, or is not kinky enough. Simple things like telling her what to wear each day, or have dirty text conversations well she is with friends or family so she can get hot under the collar but not be able to show it. Things where I am subtly taking control and will end up having an impact on her life without her having to out her desires to be domiated in public. Also when I think of kinky sex, its less about me enjoying tieing her up, and me enjoying all the pleasure I can give her by taking control. I'm not in to pain play as much as sensory deprivation, or orgasm denile. As I said its less about exploring and pushing boundries with women, so much as it is finding someone I really connect with and exploring the limits with her as a way to show affection.

So do you think the bdsm community is the right place for me to be looking? Or am I better off sticking only to the "Vinilla" world and hoping I find a girl that will love and trust me enough to slowly push boundries with?

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RE: Am I too nice? - 6/24/2009 2:17:43 PM

leadership527

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For Carol & I both it is all about trust. That is why I continually push for ever more invasive amounts of control... to deepen the trust, respect, attention and focus in BOTH directions. All of those things feed our love affair. This isn't about kink for either of us so I can completely sympathize.

THere is nothing "bad" about having a girl submit to you. It only becomes "bad" when the deal is unbalanced. So long as you can clearly see in your head how you BOTH are getting what you want, then all is well. For me, since I live with Carol, the smile on her face every day pretty much puts an end to any thoughts I might've held about being abusive.

What you called "cutesy" play is far from cutesy. Still, there are lots of online subs I have met who would greatly enjoy such a thing. You can find them in droves if you create a character in SecondLife then head off to any of the BDSM or "gorean" sims. Be prepared to move slowly. Most of the online sub I know are going to want to know you pretty well before they even consider allowing you to mess with anything in their real life -- which makes a lot of sense to me.

In my mind, it is fairly easy to find good, healthy doms and subs in both the vanilla and BDSM communities. It's the kinky stuff that'll be more common in BDSM circles... especially affiliation with sadism or masochism. I frequently suggest to subs I'm talking to that they should review carefully all the vanilla men in their life. Some of them are quite likely to be natural dominants and that comes with the advantage of not going through all the less than stellar "training" in the BDSM world. The downside, of course, is that they have to be brought along the path one step at a time, just like is happening to you. I should think the same thing is true of submissives in reverse.

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RE: Am I too nice? - 6/24/2009 2:33:02 PM

DesFIP

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I'm not going to unconditionally submit, or submit at all if I don't get some control, some dominance in return. It's too one sided otherwise.

Having him pick my clothes for the day, fine. Texting long dirty conversations while I'm talking to my family or friends, or coworkers? Rude. Wouldn't you feel your date was being rude if she spent the lunch hour not paying attention to you but instead to everyone else? I would. Not to mention that lots of people do look over to see whose texting and about what when they have friends and family in common. I'd rethink what your fantasies are in view of what problems they may cause. Because this is your responsibility, the more rights you have, the more responsibility you have.

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RE: Am I too nice? - 6/24/2009 2:54:42 PM

Sixstringrequiem

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I think you misunderstood my intent with the texts Des. I don't want to be constantly doing it, just once or twice as a playful thing. I did it once with a girlfriend I had in high school, sure if made paying attention to the lesson impossible, but it was still fun for both of us. I think that it wasn't planed either and spontanious added to the appeal also, she texted me, and i responded with an innuendo, and it went from there, but now that I'm thinking about it more, trying to force the recreation that moment with someone else would probly be impossible.

And don't worry leadership, I'm not looking to jump in to anything either myself. I definantly want to get to know someone before I start doing anything more then some flirting, otherwise that just controdicts alot of what I said in my opening post. Even before I got interested in bdsm I didn't care for casual sex, and that still hasn't changed.

I value the reply from both of you, thanks :)

< Message edited by Sixstringrequiem -- 6/24/2009 2:59:40 PM >

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RE: Am I too nice? - 6/24/2009 3:08:31 PM

sirsholly

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quote:

Also I'v been looking online to do some "cutesy" play, but everyone either seems to find it to be too much, or is not kinky enough.

a D/s relationship is all about trust, as you have stated. If someone seems "not kinky enough" for your tastes, perhaps you need to talk to them a bit more. They do not know you, there is no trust, and perchance they are holding back and starting slow.

Best of luck to you

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