RE: Re: investing in a relationship

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Prinsexx -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/29/2009 3:10:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds Hello Prinsexx Thank You for posting. I basically look at investment as an emotional, mental and spiritual venue. Though it can be compared to monetary investment in the context of investing in a relationship account and watching it grow. All of my close relationships, family, friends, romantic and D/s have this type of investment. I will keep adding more to it, if I feel it is healthy for my emotional, mental and spiritual growth. In this view, it is not what the return is from a person, based on what I am giving, but more on the growth of both people in the relationship. If unhealthy for either of us, then I will close the 'account'. Normally, after a progress of investing and observing for awhile, do I then make the decision to keep the 'account' active or not. If I decide on that then I will always keep my investment, though the terms might be on hold for a bit, instead of active. I do not close out 'accounts' when I become totally invested. They will alway be kept with respect and honor, be it if they are active in my life or not. Few 'accounts' make it to this point with me though. I am one with few close relationships, but each of those still live in harmony with who i am. I will honor them even after death do us part. The others who do not reach this investment are let go, with me discovering what was to be learned through this situation. In my life everything has a purpose that is presented to me on my path of growth. Again thank you for your post. Blessings oceanwinds i've learned a great deal from this and thank you. i realise that i just don't do investment like this or at least had never considered it it's given me food for thought

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/29/2009 4:54:05 PM)
i think when they say very quickly i think they mean sweept of your feet lol

oceanwinds -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/29/2009 6:19:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 i think when they say very quickly i think they mean sweept of your feet lol I do understand and have experience being swept off my feet, but even then I have enough control over me to pull in the reigns and slow down.

oceanwinds -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/29/2009 6:22:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds Hello Prinsexx Thank You for posting. I basically look at investment as an emotional, mental and spiritual venue. Though it can be compared to monetary investment in the context of investing in a relationship account and watching it grow. All of my close relationships, family, friends, romantic and D/s have this type of investment. I will keep adding more to it, if I feel it is healthy for my emotional, mental and spiritual growth. In this view, it is not what the return is from a person, based on what I am giving, but more on the growth of both people in the relationship. If unhealthy for either of us, then I will close the 'account'. Normally, after a progress of investing and observing for awhile, do I then make the decision to keep the 'account' active or not. If I decide on that then I will always keep my investment, though the terms might be on hold for a bit, instead of active. I do not close out 'accounts' when I become totally invested. They will alway be kept with respect and honor, be it if they are active in my life or not. Few 'accounts' make it to this point with me though. I am one with few close relationships, but each of those still live in harmony with who i am. I will honor them even after death do us part. The others who do not reach this investment are let go, with me discovering what was to be learned through this situation. In my life everything has a purpose that is presented to me on my path of growth. Again thank you for your post. Blessings oceanwinds i've learned a great deal from this and thank you. i realise that i just don't do investment like this or at least had never considered it it's given me food for thought Awww thank you. I know that I follow a totally different road then most and I embrace it. It isn't easy by no means, but it is understandable to me. That can't be a bad thing;). Though I walk this way in life, i do not believe in preaching to anyone. Am allergic to people that preach. blessings and best to you Prinsexx

greenearth21 -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/29/2009 8:35:52 PM)
I certainly take my time; but not so much a thought a plan of "to be haste" or "not to be". I have a very passive attitude towards all relationships in the sense that they'll develop in their own time, if it's what is supposed to happen. As far as intimate relationships go...I move at a turtle's pace and do check myself frequently to see how i'm evolving or my emotional health within that relationship. I never have a plan of where the relationship is headed, but rather, I choose to enjoy it in the moment for what it is. I'm more than happy to give my partner time alone, however long they need it. Waiting is ALWAYS an option :)

persephonee -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/29/2009 11:23:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds In reading the thread 'sub drop' a word caught my eye from one of the posters. Naturally not wanting to derail the original post, I decided to start a thread. The word that caught my eye was invested. For some people they become invested quickly in a relationship, while others it takes time. In my case words said in the first 6 to 8 months are considered with a grain of salt. This is not a thread on the plus or minus of becoming invested right away in a relationship. We all have an opinion. What I like to know is those who do, would you want to change that part in you, providing you could? For those who don't get invested right away, would you want to change that part in you, providing you could? Has being or not being invested right away in a relationship been determental to you as a person? Finally for those who do become invested in a relationship, how easy is it for you to walk away, when things become at a stand still, or your Dom. or s-type needs space to work out a life situation? Do you find it difficult to be patient and give the person their space to grow, and/ or adapt to their 24/7 life situations? If you are the type that chooses to wait, are you still investing in the relationship, even though there might not be one visable? Do you work on your own growth and the 24/7 life situations that are occuring in your life? Is waiting even an option for you? Blessings, oceanwinds Great topic, ocean.... When i was with my ex, i had one of those experiences where i firmly believed with my entire being that we would grow old together. i wasnt even "over the moon" about it, instead, there was such quiet contentment and ease, that i decided that must mean that it was meant to be...turns out, she was only in my life for a season, and a reason....but not eternity. i think that we both invested in our relationship, especially in the beginning, and it was scarey and full of emotional ups and downs that today would simply turn my stomach. i dont get "too" invested in any relationship...beit friendship or relationship until such a time as i see a pretty significant investment on my partners end...Master got my investment when he came to my home and physically relocated me at his expense...and didnt gripe when he noticed that i hadnt significantly packed before his arrival....i honestly thought, "why should i pack when hes just going to call me and tell me some bullshit story about a sick aunt...and not come down to get me" Once he showed what he was made of, i started investing more and more into our relationship. i dont believe i will ever be as emotionally bankrupt as after Denise and i broke up...that was truly terrible...but i know that if/when Master and i part ways, it will definitely hurt the both of us. But i sincerely doubt that this break up would devastate me as much as the breakup of my marriage with Denise. Now the only relationship in my world that is fully vested is the one i have with my son....As it should be. As for walking away or staying, but on hold while a partner does some thinking or changing or whatever....im not really sure. im hyper sensitive to being taken advantage of emotionally and i am not certain that i would be able to wait thru a significant life change...again, would have to depend on the groundrules of the waiting...if i were with a married man and he needed some time to get separated...i suppose i would set a firm timeline and stick to it....so that if he couldnt get out of the other relationship within my timeframe, he would be told to look me up when he gets his head out of his ass and takes care of things.... Since Master and i are live in, i dont see either of us needing "time to change"...we will change as it occurs and have to adjust to eachother on the fly, like any live in relationship. Growth and change happens whether we work at it or not...ooops, i guess change happens without work, growth requires quite a bit of work...i think that in a live in situation, the changes are hopefully more in line with your partners than you would necessarily think...and hopefully that makes it easier to deal with.... perse

Prinsexx -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 2:46:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: persephonee Growth and change happens whether we work at it or not...ooops, i guess change happens without work, growth requires quite a bit of work.. perse Brilliant

oceanwinds -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 4:53:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: greenearth21 I certainly take my time; but not so much a thought a plan of "to be haste" or "not to be". I have a very passive attitude towards all relationships in the sense that they'll develop in their own time, if it's what is supposed to happen. As far as intimate relationships go...I move at a turtle's pace and do check myself frequently to see how i'm evolving or my emotional health within that relationship. I never have a plan of where the relationship is headed, but rather, I choose to enjoy it in the moment for what it is. I'm more than happy to give my partner time alone, however long they need it. Waiting is ALWAYS an option :) Thank you for sharing all of this greenearth. I feel the same in a lot of what you said. What I outline, I totally believe in, and glad that i do this. blessings oceanwinds

oceanwinds -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 4:58:49 AM)
quote: Since Master and i are live in, i dont see either of us needing "time to change"...we will change as it occurs and have to adjust to eachother on the fly, like any live in relationship. When I was married for 29 years, late hubby had to take cave time. Those where the times he was growing. In understanding that, i knew to not take his quietness personal. So, for me even with a live in arrangement, sometimes quietness happens. Even without any attention being given to me, i was still able to invest, usually by working on a project or myself. I do not think it matters if one is living with or away.

DemonKia -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 6:58:51 AM)
Ah, there's another part of your OP that I neglected to address -- alone time. For me it works like this: I need very large amounts of solitude, so anyone I'm with has to be able to deal with that. & I have no problem with them requiring their alone, or away from me, time -- it's, in general, as good for me as it is for them.

stella41b -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 7:41:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds What I like to know is those who do, would you want to change that part in you, providing you could? Yes and no. I'm someone who generally thinks and feels with the speed of lightning so it's natural for me to become invested in a relationship from the get go. However this has sometimes worked against me and I've been learning more 'non-attachment' strategies which has partly come from developing relationships over long distances. I'm not sure whether this was a desired change or necessary, but I am sure it is a strategy which would be very beneficial for me to learn. quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds Has being or not being invested right away in a relationship been determental to you as a person? Yes it has, in both cases, and I have lost, learned to let go, move on and somehow mature or develop from these experiences. However on second thoughts it's been far more detrimental to the relationship than to me myself, because I'm of the view that any adverse situation in developing a relationship may lead to an opportunity for learning and further development. You see if you look for the positive in negative situations then you tend to see more benefits than detriments. quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds Finally for those who do become invested in a relationship, how easy is it for you to walk away, when things become at a stand still, or your Dom. or s-type needs space to work out a life situation? I have this attitude that relationships are generally a crap shoot and tend to be transient and temporary in nature until such a time when much time has passed, people settle with one another and the relationship ceases to be transient or temporary. That saying, it's never easy to walk away should life, circumstances or the needs and desires of the other person overcome a relationship and bring about it's demise or end. Personally I'm of the view that friendship and emotional support are necessary elements of a relationship and that adversity and a desire for space need not signify the ending of a relationship if such needs are communicated. quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds Do you find it difficult to be patient and give the person their space to grow, and/ or adapt to their 24/7 life situations? No I don't. Now that I have placed friendship as my universal filter towards a relationship if such a relationship ever develops it does so with an allowance for 'unforeseen circumstances' which means that in times of illness, adversity, disability etc I'm more inclined to remain with the person and give them either the space or the additional emotional support they need. quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds Do you work on your own growth and the 24/7 life situations that are occuring in your life? Yes I do and any relationship I become involved in comes with a need for that space and my own particular lifestyle which I'm happy to share with the other person and include them if they so require. In fact I tend to avoid the chances of a relationship which offer alternative ways of living and development as I would never allow myself to base my life around or solely on a relationship.

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 8:45:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DemonKia Ah, there's another part of your OP that I neglected to address -- alone time. For me it works like this: I need very large amounts of solitude, so anyone I'm with has to be able to deal with that. & I have no problem with them requiring their alone, or away from me, time -- it's, in general, as good for me as it is for them. nods This is me, too. I need positively -huge- chunks of solitude... and when I don't get enough on a regular basis, I end up needing to -really- be alone, as in "living by myself without the darned babblebox, radio, stereo or noisy neighbors until I can get my thoughts back in order" type of 'alone'... and I'll admit that I will put relationships on hold until I can get myself squared away (it makes it nice having SR around -- she's much more social and a home-body, so where I'll disappear, she's still settled in and managing the home front). After having my mate and our grown daughters and I all sharing first 800 then 1000 square feet together, this is where I am now... wanting -alone- badly enough that I'm seriously thinking about getting a place north of the Arctic Circle or a motorhome and going off-grid. Dame Calla

LaTigresse -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 8:51:27 AM)
Wow Ocean, some really good questions. I rarely, almost never really, get emotionally invested in anyone online. Even talking to a person on the phone isn't enough for me. And, I can say that there are people I have met, spent some serious time with in person, that I still do not have an emotional investment in. I just don't get attached that easily or quickly. However, I do see my time as an investment also. If I have spent considerable time via email, phone, only to have someone flake out for no apparent reason, I get annoyed. If I have made plans, arranged my life around getting to know someone via promised phone calls or meeting, and they do not hold up their end of the bargain, I get really annoyed. In all the years I've been online, communicating with people, getting to know a great many, very very few will ever take the final step into physically meeting. I've adopted an "I'll believe it when I see it." attitude and I rarely if ever, will make plans like days off, specifically for it. I will not travel just to meet someone either, but if I am going to be nearby, I will let them know. It is up to them to meet me at my convenience or not. The above may be seen as negative, and certainly not condusive to finding someone, by many. I am not too worried about that. I've simply no expectations from the net, based upon my past experience. I refuse to waste my investments. My emotional and time investments will alway be given first and foremost to the people that reciprocate by physically being, in my life. And as Kia and Calla mentioned, I need lots of alone time. The people in my life either "get it" or they get upset. I used to feel guilty for that. I quit feeling guilty and now people just have the "oh that's just LeeAnn!" way of looking at it. I am sure some still feel hurt at times, but it's not my problem.

IronBear -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 8:52:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 i think when they say very quickly i think they mean sweept of your feet lol I do understand and have experience being swept off my feet, but even then I have enough control over me to pull in the reigns and slow down. Perhaps it is the case of one can be swept off their feet (emotionally and not literally) if they are ready or have positioned themselves where the sweeping can be effected.

oceanwinds -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 9:15:30 AM)
I wanted to thank all of you for posting. I too must have chunks of a lone time to create, think and just plain solitude. I am wired this way. I been fortunate to find men that were the same way and we both honored this part in both of us. I have a couple friends, of all avenues that I have known over many years over the internet, and visited them all. We invested a lot of time, ideas, feelings and just being who we are. They all know there are times I gracefully share my sandbox, and then there are times I won't. In long-term live in relationships, I was blessed to have late hubby. He was a lot like me and needed time alone. We had no problem with that. He use to say if we could afford it he would buy me my own place so I can just go there when I sought solitude. Since this was not an option, we were able to live together, yet apart. He was a thinker and could go off in his head for a long period of time working out something abstract. When he had it worked out or wanted my opinion he would come out of his cave. It never occured to me to pull him out because I needed attention. A big part of me relishes the mental thinker creating and stretching their mind, especially since that is a big part of me. So, when changes came with him, I kept investing, more in doing things he liked, but also working on me. My friend who I call Sir is similiar in that way.We do not live together, and I see no reason too, which happily he doesnt either. It is natural for them to go off into the woods/cave and create. It is natural for me as well. There is no need to run and find another to invest in. I always found this behavior a balance of life, at least mine. What also amazes me is discovering how submissive i am without being owned. I am just letting myself be and express it through all I do. I am at awe in this factor, because I know it probably isn't a norm. I never did norm well though. I found a home in my heart with BDSM and been able to include it as a part of life. I can freely invest because it is me and there is someone who feels like i do as well. Thanks again for all of you answering this thread with such insightful information. Blessings oceanwinds

maia09 -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 9:41:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: oceanwinds In reading the thread 'sub drop' a word caught my eye from one of the posters. Naturally not wanting to derail the original post, I decided to start a thread. The word that caught my eye was invested. For some people they become invested quickly in a relationship, while others it takes time. In my case words said in the first 6 to 8 months are considered with a grain of salt. This is not a thread on the plus or minus of becoming invested right away in a relationship. We all have an opinion. What I like to know is those who do, would you want to change that part in you, providing you could? For those who don't get invested right away, would you want to change that part in you, providing you could? Has being or not being invested right away in a relationship been determental to you as a person? Finally for those who do become invested in a relationship, how easy is it for you to walk away, when things become at a stand still, or your Dom. or s-type needs space to work out a life situation? Do you find it difficult to be patient and give the person their space to grow, and/ or adapt to their 24/7 life situations? If you are the type that chooses to wait, are you still investing in the relationship, even though there might not be one visable? Do you work on your own growth and the 24/7 life situations that are occuring in your life? Is waiting even an option for you? Blessings, oceanwinds i'm not a believer in standing on the sidelines waiting to see how others' react to things. i know only i can really know what my own experience will be like. i feel growing is an ongoing process. i enjoy knowing that my involvement with my Master causes Him to grow and vise versa. Nope, i wouldn't want to change how i move forward. It's served me well all my life. i jump in and take my chances, pretty much believing i'll land on my feet - sometimes my ass first, then my feet. i believe there are 2 processes occuring simultaneously - one is the mental, logical process of weighing, thinking, comprehending, which oftentimes doesn't mean shit to a tree when it comes to relationships. Then there's the soul process which i think has It's own agenda and that's where i usually find myself, in spite of what the brain thinks.

subtlebutterfly -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 10:02:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse Wow Ocean, some really good questions. I rarely, almost never really, get emotionally invested in anyone online. Even talking to a person on the phone isn't enough for me. And, I can say that there are people I have met, spent some serious time with in person, that I still do not have an emotional investment in. I just don't get attached that easily or quickly. [:(] omg geeze now I'll be crying myself to sleep every night for the rest of my gawd damn friggin life THANK YOU.[>:][:(]

LaTigresse -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 11:27:12 AM)
Need some tissues?

subtlebutterfly -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 11:47:10 AM)
A box or two would be fine thank you...and then maybe a box or so a month for the next few decades!

LaTigresse -> RE: Re: investing in a relationship (6/30/2009 1:05:09 PM)
Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy, so I am INVESTED!

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