RE: surrendering control? (Full Version)

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Sirandlittle1 -> RE: surrendering control? (2/16/2006 9:17:58 PM)

when i am embarrassed by a task. Yet i have to obey. Inside, i die a death. I hate it. I feel worse after a this type of event/play. I feel sure that were he truly to understand how this makes me crumple inside, and takes a couple of days to recover from, he wouldnt make me do it. Yet when i try to explain, i am blocked. It is not life threatening, you are making excuses as to why you will not obey. So im trapped into having to do it.

I find this the most difficult thing. Surrendering to his control of my sitting inside or outside of a comfort zone i guess.

Embarrassment is what i find hardest to surrender to. Even writing about this, has put me in not a good space. Which i can climb out of thankfully.

little1



seaturtle50 -> RE: surrendering control? (2/18/2006 2:11:10 PM)

<seaturtle pops head out of shell>

Well, this is a question that i deliberately avoided for several reasons - but i found i was unable to hide in the corner of it.

i can only guess at this, as my RL experience is too limited to know for certain yet.

Personally: i think if She were to take my personal freedom for little <even silly> things that are really of no consequence, things that i have always taken for granted - like bedtime. So if She were to look at me out of the blue at an early hour and say - its time for you to go to bed - that would be hard. Especially if She just wanted me out of the way so She could enjoy Her own space. Sounds silly to me, but that would be hard for me ... but i would of course obey.

Physically: i am still a smoker, and Her taking control of my freedom to smoke, or making me quit all together, that is scary to me as i know i would follow Her directives, and think it would at time be grueling. A close second to this would be Her control of my coffee addiction. ;-)

Spiritually: To be denied access to Her physical presence. To be made to be in the other room for instance, knowing She is just on the other side of the wall. This would be torturous to me. i suppose being in the same room but being blindfolded might even be worse. <i just lied, cause i know i would be able to smell Her, and that would be better than being in the other room without Her presence ;-)>

In General: it would be hard for this one to only have limited access to his auto - as in so many ways that represents freedom to me. i would not however have any problem asking for permission to go somewhere, and cannot imagine myself pouting when denied. But again - due to limited experience - W/we shall see.

michael



RiotGirl -> RE: surrendering control? (2/18/2006 9:21:59 PM)

um.. many things. i tend to be stubborn, head strong thick headed and strong willed. Some things i cant fathom giving over like my instincts. Though thinking about it, i think he might have control over them, but he wants me to have control over them. He can invoke an instinctual reaction from me quite easily and at times as fun doing so. Like with the biting. He loves biting me, but if he moves to fast towards me or i near his mouth open near me me, i jump and block with out thinking. (elbow in the face anyone??) i tend to have alot of internal struggles and giving over control isnt excluded.

Some of the ones mentioned here like pausing and checking with him before i run off to do something, my emotions and talking about them, recieving pleasure or specific attention that is geared towards me, of course giving up me, and one of the harder ones is anything that my way seems better or makes more sense. i tend to argue on that one alot LOL

i think the most recent is my weight. He told me "i want you to gain 10 lbs" and oooooooo it was like an instant mental block. My whole body revolted. Felt like a solid wall hit me. i tend to be very very picky about my weight and do all sorts of crazy dietish things. Always on the look out to LOSE weight and to be told to GAIN weight, ohmygosh. Impossible my brain said!

But my subconscious must of obeyed cos i got "fluffy" as i call it and was allowed to "lose" weight. <happy sigh> i would say it was abit hard to give him control over my eatingt. As there are strict rules that i am to eat. And i have to admit sometimes i try and take that control back and skip the intake of food. heh.

Oh and its hard to give over the things i get ocdish on. Like the organization of my book shelf. i thought i was going to go insane when he organized it wrong. LOL (its that whole my way is better thing!)

Little by little.. and every internal battle won, outside battle lost and his will winning over mine.. we'll eventually get there. LOL

EDITED to say: but but but there are a million things that arent a struggle. Like the lose of my freedom and clothing and erm.. tons of stuff! i SWEAR i'm not difficult.. lol



ChainedExistence -> RE: surrendering control? (2/19/2006 3:20:23 PM)

I'd have to say that surrending control of my fears was the most challenging. For nearly my entire life, I have made decisions based on how to work around things that frightened me. Having to face some of them head on was a terrifying prospect. The idea of failure at something was a big one. If I failed, I was flawed. I never saw it as an opportunity to grow. I wouldn't try things if I thought I couldn't do them perfectly. My world was small and manageable, but it was missing the passion and fire of really being out there. Giving him the control over my life meant having to do things I thought I couldn't do. And yes, failing miserably at some of them! The difference was that in the surrender I had the full love and support that it was ok to be less than perfect and that I could just try again, make modifications, or chalk it up to an interesting experience that I probably wouldn't do again. The surrender of my fears makes me feel like a more active participant in my own life and not someone merely watching from the sidelines.



subtoFemDommes -> RE: surrendering control? (2/20/2006 12:51:46 PM)

Interesting question; the qualifier is "what kind of D/s relationship"?

For me the goal has always been a complete relationship. One in which it would be hard to imagine what i couldn't communicate to a partner that felt as free to communicate with me. One in which a careful exploration of values, intelligence, awareness and goals was not just embarked upon before intimacy and commitment, but one of the reasons for the relationship in the first place; Someone to share everything with. Someone i trust.

That being said, a lot of the fears i always had about being cut off from friends, family, unique personal interests and the ability to act on my beliefs (as an example, political ones) is a non-issue; i've found a Mistress who loves all of those elements in me and wants them to thrive.

Do i have "little things" that are hard to get over? Yes, i'm classic ADD, i can become distracted by a million things that make time management a hard one for me. While Mistress knows and understands that, not being where She says i should be, or not doing what i've been instructed to in a timely fashion is not going to be excused. i know at times my ass will pay the price for that, but i want to please Her. Realistically, there's little or nothing i can't go back to doing at another time.

Would some of the other things mentioned here be an issue for me if i were expected to change them? Again, yes. food would be a big one. i'm very conscientious about my diet. Any limitation on my need to learn, read, keep up on the news, fill the endless Gemini need for information.

But it all seems academic; i'm so smitten with Her that thinking about what may turn out to be hard to do ... is hard to do.



phoenixslave -> RE: surrendering control? (2/20/2006 1:16:57 PM)

For me it was music. i love all kinds of music and would play the stereo round the clock. Master listens rarely, and has completely different taste there.



brigidsub -> RE: surrendering control? (2/20/2006 2:17:40 PM)

quote:

I'd have to say that surrending control of my fears was the most challenging. For nearly my entire life, I have made decisions based on how to work around things that frightened me. Having to face some of them head on was a terrifying prospect. The idea of failure at something was a big one. If I failed, I was flawed. I never saw it as an opportunity to grow. I wouldn't try things if I thought I couldn't do them perfectly. My world was small and manageable, but it was missing the passion and fire of really being out there. Giving him the control over my life meant having to do things I thought I couldn't do. And yes, failing miserably at some of them! The difference was that in the surrender I had the full love and support that it was ok to be less than perfect and that I could just try again, make modifications, or chalk it up to an interesting experience that I probably wouldn't do again. The surrender of my fears makes me feel like a more active participant in my own life and not someone merely watching from the sidelines.


Beautifully said. Thank you. i'm taking note of each and every word.



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