Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time

Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (Full Version)

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CatdeMedici -> Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 3:00:27 PM)
hmm, I will prpbably get crucified here for being too soft--but something odd happened to Me today and it left Me feeling, well--hurt-- I have a submissive friend of Mine, we have been friends for, wow, almost 5+ years--I have mentored, supported through a bumpy journey, been a sounding board and a shoulder. Never once have I talked about, laughed at her or been less than supportive--so today she says, " you know when you told Me that xxx sub had done xxx, i snickered, i didn't tell you, of course, then i told Master and i snickered, then when i thought about it, i realized that it was pretty arrogant and not in keeping with my new self journey." So ok, well yeah she fessed up--but My feelings were hurt, what else has been laughed at or made fun of over the years? Ok we all don't have to love what our friends do, but isn't there some...loyalty? Because I am a Dominant, am I supposed to let everything roll off My back? I wonder, as I supported this person, have I not been as supported?

Politesub53 -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 4:08:10 PM)
HI Ma`am, I dont understand what you said she had done, unless I am missing something. Whatever else, if you are a friend, you should expect loyalty. A Domina or a submissive isnt a robot, we are all humans with all the frailties that that entails. You are quite entitled to be hurt if she has betrayed a trust.

CatdeMedici -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 4:10:10 PM)
It's the laughing at Me behind My back, and yes we are all human, hence My humanity to feel "odd".

Politesub53 -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 4:17:48 PM)
Okay I have re read it now and saw what you mean. No true friend would either laugh behind your back, or betray a loyalty. Feeling hurt, angry and annoyed is normal under the circumstances.

Lashra -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 4:20:59 PM)
Having feelings is what makes us human and most Dominants that I know are human. It is difficult to support someone and then find out when you are giving them your all they are laughing at you behind your back. It shakes that trust factor and is upsetting, it could wreck a friendship. ~Lashra

LovingMistress45 -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 4:30:11 PM)
Cat, I can understand perfectly why you are hurt. Did you tell her what she did hurt you? Friendship implies a level of trust and loyalty to me and part of that would not be laughing about something behind your back. I wonder why she told you, was there an apology with it? If not then the telling you was worse in my opinion than the act its self.

Starbuck09 -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 4:41:10 PM)
Cat unless i've underestimated the extent of the laughter behind you're back then i think you are slightly overreacting. You're hurt and feel a little humiliated tha's absolutely fine but she told you she did it and apologised which is far more than most people would do ,so she obviously values your friendship quite highly, after all it would have been far easier to say nothing at all. And having said that quite often i'll have a giggle with a mate about something a friend has done but it's not malicious [otherwise they wouldn't be my mate]. So you have every right to feel a little vulnerable but I would'nt lose any/too much sleep over it cat and I certainly would'nt lose a friendship.

CatdeMedici -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 5:03:32 PM)
I got no apology, it was more of a "hahaha, guess what i did, well at least i admit to my crap"--yep I am over reacting, I am so there, however, I protect privacies and expect the same---silly Me. Thanks you guys, I adore all of you and the sanity you bring.

Starbuck09 -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 5:11:02 PM)
Hey Cat i wasn't being unkind or attacking you, if she didn't apologise and when she admitted what she did mocked you further then no I do not believe you are overreacting in that case and she behaved poorly. I was only trying to help Cat.

CaringandReal -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 5:32:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici I got no apology, it was more of a "hahaha, guess what i did, well at least i admit to my crap"--yep I am over reacting, I am so there, however, I protect privacies and expect the same---silly Me. Thanks you guys, I adore all of you and the sanity you bring. It was an insensitve thing to do, and her attitude about this smacks of further insensitivity, but most people, it seems, are pretty insensitive. You never know it until they do something like this, however, as it's normal to just assume that other people have the same sense you do. "Insensitive" is a good word for this condition. Some people act as if they are emotionally blind or numb in some very big areas; they seem to lack awareness of others' feelings and the nuances of emotional exchanges. Just be glad she's not yours. :) I think your friendship can probably survive this if you want it to, but you'll also probably be a little wary of her in the future, which isn't a bad thing in this situation, it's realistic.

PeonForHer -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 6:06:33 PM)
Because I am a Dominant, am I supposed to let everything roll off My back? Seriously - do any dominants believe this? The tiny few I've spoken to who've presented themselves as that hard have been loonies. None I've spoken to who use this board have been that way. It's nonsense, and it's not human. I think you're allowed your feelings, Cat, because you're human.

justme1980 -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 6:16:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici hmm, I will prpbably get crucified here for being too soft--but something odd happened to Me today and it left Me feeling, well--hurt-- I have a submissive friend of Mine, we have been friends for, wow, almost 5+ years--I have mentored, supported through a bumpy journey, been a sounding board and a shoulder. Never once have I talked about, laughed at her or been less than supportive--so today she says, " you know when you told Me that xxx sub had done xxx, i snickered, i didn't tell you, of course, then i told Master and i snickered, then when i thought about it, i realized that it was pretty arrogant and not in keeping with my new self journey." So ok, well yeah she fessed up--but My feelings were hurt, what else has been laughed at or made fun of over the years? Ok we all don't have to love what our friends do, but isn't there some...loyalty? Because I am a Dominant, am I supposed to let everything roll off My back? I wonder, as I supported this person, have I not been as supported? In a perfect world, if you give 110% your friend should return do the same. However this is not a perfect world and you do not have the right to expect anything. what is the phrase "You do not accept someone as your friend because of his faults, but inspite of his faults" or something like that

LovingMistress45 -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 6:29:30 PM)
Actually, I (or anyone else) has the right to expect anything I want. I don't have a right to insist someone else agrees to those expectations. If said person does not agree (or fullfill) my expectation it is then my decision whether or not I allow that person to remain a part of my life and to what degree. If I am a loyal and supportive friend my expectation that this is returned by said friend to me is reasonable. People make mistakes and let us down, that is life. You choose if you are going to forgive or not. However, when the person is insensitive and doesn't even offer an apology I have to wonder if my friendship means anything to him/her. I won't be in a relationship where I give more than I get on a regualar basis.

DesFIP -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 6:35:58 PM)
When you say you protect privacies, did you specifically ask her not to tell her Master anything you said? It's like confiding in a married person, unless you specifically ask them not to tell their spouse, you have to expect them to. So yes, expecting her not to tell him is a false expectation on your part. Beyond that, I have friends who do dumb things. And yeah, I will laugh at it in private. I might even tell The Man but that's as far as it goes. Are you upset that she told him or that she laughed at something you did or that she told you she laughed about it? Because those are three very different things. Me? I would expect a person to tell their significant other unless I asked for them not to before confiding in them. And if they're going to laugh at me in private and not have it go farther, that's fine if it isn't malicious. But I would rather they not tell me that they thought it was funny.

StoneFox -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 7:10:06 PM)
(reply to Cat only) It's actually interesting that you bring this up. I have this philosophy that often times people will admit to bad things they did against another...not for the sake of the other person, but for themselves. You know, to "get if off their chest". It reminds me a lot of talk shows where someone comes on and admits to cheating in the past and there are all these tears and whatnot and the trust is shattered... And I'm thinking to myself "If you cared as much as you claim you do you would have just KEPT YOU DAMN MOUTH SHUT". If they've mended their ways and learned from their mistake, what good can come from hurting someone's feelings and damaging their trust? Anyways, I'm sorry this situation is happening to you and hopefully with the morning light you'll a little better.

LadyPact -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 8:53:07 PM)
I know you don't really need an answer from Me, Cat. You already know what it is and you're only questioning it because you are hurting right now. It can be hard when the people in our lives hurt us, especially when we don't expect it coming. Certainly if we feel we've given them our all and don't receive that in return. From the sound of the post, that five year friendship had a level of intimacy to it. Now either it, or the friend, isn't exactly quite on the level of loyalty that you expected. No one expects any person to have nothing ever affect them. If they do, they are a fool and the person attempting to be that is a fool as well. (Trust Me on that one. I've got the t-shirt. I'll tell you about it sometime.) Instead of wondering if you're supposed to be made of steel, ask some different questions of yourself. How hurt are you? Is it enough to end the friendship? Can it be salvaged to a certain extent and maybe built back up to what you thought it was? Do you want to do that or is the hurt bad enough to just let this person go from your inner life? Just a side note or two here. Don't try to formulate the answers to those things until you have gotten to a point where you aren't in shell shock from what happened. Oh yeah. One last thing. I'm sorry you got hurt.

girlygurl -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 9:01:26 PM)
IMO, regardless of being a D-type, you're human and you have feelings. It's ok in my book for D-types to have feelings and even express them. My Sir calls Himself a Vulcan and it took Him some time to open up but He did. That's not to say He still doesn't consider Himself Vulcan... He just trusts me to open up (which I treasure).

WestBaySlave -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/2/2009 9:24:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici hmm, I will prpbably get crucified here for being too soft--but something odd happened to Me today and it left Me feeling, well--hurt-- I have a submissive friend of Mine, we have been friends for, wow, almost 5+ years--I have mentored, supported through a bumpy journey, been a sounding board and a shoulder. Never once have I talked about, laughed at her or been less than supportive--so today she says, " you know when you told Me that xxx sub had done xxx, i snickered, i didn't tell you, of course, then i told Master and i snickered, then when i thought about it, i realized that it was pretty arrogant and not in keeping with my new self journey." So ok, well yeah she fessed up--but My feelings were hurt, what else has been laughed at or made fun of over the years? Ok we all don't have to love what our friends do, but isn't there some...loyalty? Because I am a Dominant, am I supposed to let everything roll off My back? I wonder, as I supported this person, have I not been as supported? I'm probably going to take an odd stance here in that I think what she did wrong was telling you. One can't always help what one finds funny, and in tragedies involving rubber ducks and vibrating dildos it can be hard not to find the funny side at times - but what one CAN help is how one expresses oneself around ones friends. Even if I'm laughing on the inside at someone's misfortune I can still be sympathetic and giving when my friends need some comfort. As for dom and sub... I'm well aware that some dom friends of mine are more sensitive and easily hurt than I am. Likewise, I have a submissive friend who's much more hard-headed and practical than I'll ever be. We're all human; we're all different. Anyone who's blinded by one aspect of your personality into thinking you're invulnerable hasn't really seen the whole you, so perhaps you should let them know how you feel.

Sylverdawn -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/3/2009 12:46:52 AM)
I think she was about making herself feel better... rather than carry the guilt of being a small petty human being and the possibility that her Master might let xyz slip in casual conversation... she fessed up to breaking confidence... really a big big deal in the lifestyle.... I would look at the motivation of this particular human being.. then I would have a conversation with her about breaking confidence and the ramaifications that has in the lifestyle....that if people view you with mistrust the are not going to invitie you to all the fun things and places that we get to go to... and I would tell her that she broke your trust and that has consequences as well... and then it would be along time before I allowed her to be more than just someone I knew.. Just my two cents MsB.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Dominants and feelings... we aren't made of steel all the time (7/3/2009 7:45:20 AM)
Whenever I am talking to a collared sub, I figure that anything I say will be repeated to the dominant... so, I really watch what I say, and what I share, even if I am friends with both parties! That's not to say that every sub immediately repeats every convo to their dom, just that there is a lot of full disclosure out there, and if they are asked... That said, being mocked in an unkind way is always startling, and it's hard to trust a person who behaves that way. It's all well and good to own up to our mistakes, but how about those pesky CONSEQUENCES? So, you might be having an immediate "overreaction", Cat, but you are entitled to feel hurt! Take a step back and reassess later.

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