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RE: Past experiences? - 2/17/2006 9:39:50 AM

cloudboy

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For some reason this reminds me of Ruth when she got engaged to George, only to find out he'd been previously married something like eight (8) times. Somehow all that "marital experience" didn't reassure her. [SIX FEET UNDER REFERENCE]

I think what you are asking is, do people want the full or edited version of another's past intimacies. IMO, its best to deal the cards slowly and cautiously here to make sure the other person can truly handle your disclosures.

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/17/2006 11:54:35 AM

yourMissTress

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From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you are considering a submissive who has real time experience and you ask them about their past experiences, do you really want to know about them? Are you intimidated by their experiences or their experience level in a way that makes you feel inferior or that you may not be able to live up to them?

Do you feel that they will have expectations of you to excel beyond experiences of their past? Or is it possible that sometimes you are worrying about living up to your expectations of their expectations...if that makes sense?

When I ask a potential sub about their past experiences, I do really want to know about them. I really want to know what their level of experience is in life as in BDSM and all else. I really want to know what they have done, what's been done to them, and how they feel or felt about each. I really want to know why they did the things that they did, what brought them to the decisions they have made, and how things turned out.

I haven't ever been intimidated by someone's experiences or past partners. I do expect to take people beyond their past experiences, and in some cases it's not possible to go farther than they have down a particular road. So then we choose a different road to be expansive along.

I have gotten caught in that trap of living up to my expectations of someone else's expectations. In my younger days I had lots of expectations and no new situation ever met or lived up to what I had anticipated. Today I choose to go into a new venture or situation with as few expectations as possible and then form realistic ideas of goals.

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Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/17/2006 12:20:53 PM

GoddessDustyGold

Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

So far these are some of the responses I have heard. "Well, wow, you're out of my league", "I don't think I can live up to your expectations", "Gosh, that sounds awesome, so why are you interested in me?", "I am light years away from being at that level", "I don't think that I can satisfy your needs". It seems that many Dominants that I come in contact with are much more interested in someone who is more of a "newbie".

Now mind you, I don't HAVE expectations that any Dominant is going to be better than any previous Dominant. I think they are developing their own expectations of what they think my expectations will be...and those expectations are far greater than the reality of mine. What I do expect is that they will be different...and new...and wonderful...and have their own style...and their own expectations of me...and their own ways that they like things...and things they enjoy...and don't enjoy. What I do expect is that we will begin at square one and learn each other...from the beginning. Just as any new relationship would. From the bottom and work our way up.

I am not sure how to reassure someone that I am not going to be "grading" them, or comparing them to people or things past...or if it is even my job to try to reassure them. I don't know how to reassure them that I have no intention of "training" them....and that I actually WANT them to find their own way with me...and I with them. But it seems that even after trying to communicate to them how "I" feel, they are still intimidated on some level or maybe feel somehow inadequate.

This really has been very frustrating because I don't get to the point of discussing these things in this type of detail until I have already established that this person is someone that I see great potential in...in other words, we connect in ways in other areas of life and interest that make me feel that there is possiblility.

Any suggestions on how to better convey to someone that my past is my past and that I have no desire to hold it as a comparison to any future that I may have with them?

Erin,
I see where you are coming from, and this is precisely why I used the term "expectations" rather than "needs" or "wants" in My reply to this thread. I am often handed a list of what the boy feels, imagines or fantasizes what submission or slavery should entail. Or they hang onto a past relationship, and won't accept anything different or new. One of My favorites was the boy who kept writing to try to convince Me that we would be perfect together if only I would take that final step of being a true Mistress by "permitting" him to be My human toilet. After all, "A Mistress should never have to flush". (*laffs* I will never forget those words!)
The best I can do is give you an example.
I had a trial with a boy who had been with one Lady for years and years. He came to Me for a one week trial. During the week I dealt with a lot of "Ms. X would do this", or "This is how Ms. X would have reacted in this situation", or "Ms. X always liked it when I did this", or "Ms X ran her household in such and such a way". Now I am not "Ms X". I was not intimidated. I was a bit annoyed. Here was a boy who had claimed experience in certain areas of service, and it turned out he was not experienced in those areas at all because "Ms X always went out to have her pedicures and manicures", or "Ms X had a boy who took care of those things, and I simply supervised". I know you are getting the gist of this.
It sounds like the Dominant Men you have been dating are indeed intimidated by your experience in the areas of play, and are afraid they will not meet your expectations. Just remember, they are the ones assuming that these experiences are "needs" and "wants" and they don't feel they can handle it. Maybe because they don't have experience in the areas you describe, maybe because they have little interest in certain types of play.
The only suggestion I can make is to be yourself, and try to impart the idea that you are answering their questions honestly, but this does not mean that this is the way you expect it to be or you will be an unhappy submissive. If these Domiannats can't get past that and understand the difference then they probably aren't the one for you anyway. Discouraging, I know.
I didn't invite the critique of how or why Ms X would have done things another way. Like amayos stated, it wasn't worth it to Me. Too much to be undone, and who knows if I could have even undone it.
Wish I had the magic words for you.
Keep kissing the frogs. You will find your prince.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 2/17/2006 12:24:16 PM >

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They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
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RE: Past experiences? - 2/17/2006 12:45:25 PM

mistoferin

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quote:

The best I can do is give you an example.
I had a trial with a boy who had been with one Lady for years and years. He came to Me for a one week trial. During the week I dealt with a lot of "Ms. X would do this", or "This is how Ms. X would have reacted in this situation", or "Ms. X always liked it when I did this", or "Ms X ran her household in such and such a way". Now I am not "Ms X". I was not intimidated. I was a bit annoyed. Here was a boy who had claimed experience in certain areas of service, and it turned out he was not experienced in those areas at all because "Ms X always went out to have her pedicures and manicures", or "Ms X had a boy who took care of those things, and I simply supervised". I know you are getting the gist of this.

I can see where this would be extremely irritating...and no, I don't think that this example is anywhere close to what I do. Answering questions is a far cry from throwing things in someone's face all the time and I myself don't want to be constantly compared to anyone prior in this manner, so I do try very hard not to do this.

quote:

Just remember, they are the ones assuming that these experiences are "needs" and "wants" and they don't feel they can handle it. Maybe because they don't have experience in the areas you describe, maybe because they have little interest in certain types of play.
The only suggestion I can make is to be yourself, and try to impart the idea that you are answering their questions honestly, but this does not mean that this is the way you expect it to be or you will be an unhappy submissive. If these Domiannats can't get past that and understand the difference then they probably aren't the one for you anyway. Discouraging, I know.

Yes it is discouraging. I feel that they are shooting themselves down sometimes and thereby depriving themselves of the possibility of something that could be very fulfilling. Especially if it is the thought of not being experienced enough at play that holds them back. Goodness, that is certainly something that can be learned and is most definitely a minute concern in comparison to obvious clashes of personalities or life goals.

Thank you Dusty...I am not without hope, merely frustrated and seeking a more postive way to present myself without some implied expectations being attached.

quote:

Keep kissing the frogs. You will find your prince.

Ah yes.....Someday......

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Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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