good way to handle a touchie matter? (Full Version)

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vasha -> good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 1:16:16 AM)

Dominants are by and large, proud poeple... nothing whatsoever wrong with this. however,  helping your dominant in some manners, can be taken poorly. expcially if its potentoinally seen as a weakness on His/Her part. 
by that i mean, mostly psyical. such as an injury.  or ... something more long term serious.
"Will you please let me carry that?!?"  rarely works.   ok, i was frustrated at the time too.  cant stand to see Her in pain.  i can tell when its so, and i want to prevent it, or put a stop to it, minimise it as much as possable. 

or when takeing walks... She starts to limp... i can tell it hurts, but i dont want to bring it to her attention that i know.  sooo.... without getting manipulative,  and keeping in my appropiate place,  (ild rather die then top from the bottom),  what are some ways to handel this, and simular situatoins?




UnknownLady -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 1:43:53 AM)

The phrasing of words can be very influential without  topping from the bottom....Such as "It would be an honour to carry that for you, please allow me".



MasterFireMaam -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 1:45:39 AM)

You cannot force someone to do what you want, subtle or not. If you see that she is in pain, for instance, state that you see she is and ask if she wants to, or feels that she should, stop or do a different activity. The decision is up to her at that point...and your duty is to abide by her decision.

Of course, there is that line where she continually does this in such a way as to be self injuring. At some point along that path, you have to decide if being in a relationship with such a person is toxic for you.

Master Fire



ranja -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 2:08:18 AM)

The problem lays in her acceptance of her own limitations... she can still be proud while saying i am hurtin i will sit down for a while now...
Will the problem pass or is it for life?

My Husband has problems with His ankle... i always walk at His speed... when He starts limping i might fall slightly behind to slow His own speed... I bought Him a walking stick for x-mas... He looks extremely distinguished with it...and it is good for poking me with... also other people give Him more room when they see Him.

'Do you want me to carry that?' sounds better than 'will you please let me carry that?'
My Husband would look at me displeased if i asked questions that way

She has to realise she is stronger admitting her weakness than she is pretending that she's ok... It is nice when you can trust her to tell you her limitations then you can relax...now you are constantly worrying and probably getting on her nerves... tell her you feel this way.

good luck



UnknownLady -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 2:27:40 AM)

Ranja is quite right in her posted opinions and your Domme can still be proud while admitting to limitations...It is your duty to serve and care. If you are not allowed to carry the burden or give the care and service that is needed, although you have tried then you are not at fault. It is marvelous that you care and do all you can, yet you cannot stress yourself about someone who refuses help themsleves or admit they need help.



vasha -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 8:21:41 AM)

quote:


You cannot force someone to do what you want, subtle or not. If you see that she is in pain, for instance, state that you see she is and ask if she wants to, or feels that she should, stop or do a different activity. The decision is up to her at that point...and your duty is to abide by her decision.

Of course, there is that line where she continually does this in such a way as to be self injuring. At some point along that path, you have to decide if being in a relationship with such a person is toxic for you.

_______________________________________

She has to realise she is stronger admitting her weakness than she is pretending that she's ok... It is nice when you can trust her to tell you her limitations then you can relax...now you are constantly worrying and probably getting on her nerves... tell her you feel this way.

The problem lays in her acceptance of her own limitations... she can still be proud while saying i am hurtin i will sit down for a while now...
Will the problem pass or is it for life?



permenint situation... probably. ild be nice if She felt admitting a limitation was a sign of strength, not weakness and wouldnt let pride force Her to do what ... i really wish She wouldnt.
no, its not toxic, just difficult sometimes. very.
and yes, i have talked quite frankly with Her about it. repetidly.  she understands my concerns, and indeed has given me a few ideas Herself how to handel such times.  still im looking for ideas of more ways, if anyone has suggestions






pixidustpet -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 10:50:13 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: vasha
permenint situation... probably. ild be nice if She felt admitting a limitation was a sign of strength, not weakness and wouldnt let pride force Her to do what ... i really wish She wouldnt.
no, its not toxic, just difficult sometimes. very.
and yes, i have talked quite frankly with Her about it. repetidly.  she understands my concerns, and indeed has given me a few ideas Herself how to handel such times.  still im looking for ideas of more ways, if anyone has suggestions


it is no easier to admit permanent weakness as the submissive in the relationship.

last night was me being very unhappy with the medical profession at large, one set of doctors in particular, and declaring loudly that i was DONE with it.  TheEngineer convinced me that i was NOT done with it, and would continue medications and tests as ordered. 

i hate knowing that i *could* do more...and literally cant.

kitten



onlyfreelycaged -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 11:16:04 AM)

I have carpoul tunnel, and while it dosn't hurt all the time, it's always there... and If I say I can handle something, I can do it. I like doing things for my self.

But, there are also little things that help a lot. with me, it was pumping gas, and opening jars. It always made me feel good to not have to ask for eather to be done.



RealSub58 -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 12:35:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: UnknownLady

..... It is marvelous that you care and do all you can, yet you cannot stress yourself about someone who refuses help themsleves or admit they need help.


My Sir will do it himself.  Imagine him telling me this firmly, no matter how much I want and beg to help.

This has become part of his personality and I must accept it or I do not accept him.
He has no problems admitting weakness, but I must allow him to ask and accept he does not need my help. 

This is hard for me but If I want to stay in relationship with him in a committed setting, I must accept fully. 



vasha -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 2:45:46 PM)

quote:

He has no problems admitting weakness, but I must allow him to ask and accept he does not need my help. 

even when you know for certian the activity will  hurt your Dom/Me?  dont know that i can do that.  im ... just to soft hearted i guess. (most wont believe this really, but)  ima very real empath, and i can feel another's pain (granted not in the same way, but i nontheless can) and it hurts me directly as well.   sometimes empathy really sucks.



poeticfreak -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 2:51:22 PM)

well as far as the lifting goes, I don't think it's out of line to gently remind her that as a sub it's one of your responsibilities to make her life easier.  as for taking walks about all you can do is slow your pace to be slightly behind her and if necessary have a leg cramp. She will of course know what you're doing but, sometimes the only way to help is to be the one who needs help 



Drifa -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 5:14:23 PM)

I dunno. My Lady and I have been together over a decade. When I see her in pain I tell her, "Have you made an appointment with the doctor yet? No? Would you like me to do that for you? I'd like you to be seen this week." Do note, this has evolved in the context of a long, enduring relationship in which each of us has our roles.

But then, I am allowed to be bossy about health matters -- she WILL tend to minimize. Had her go to the doctor's in horrible pain having a gallbladder attack and the doctor asked her, "How are you?" and she answered "Oh, fine!" all perky-like... but I was there and was able to explain that she WASN'T fine at all and why I thought she had a problem.

I'd try honest communication in your case. Have you tried telling her (at sometime other than when its happening) that you see that she is sometimes in pain or is struggling with a load, and that it makes your heart swell with the urge to help? I'd explain that it's not that you think she's weak, or less than perfect, but that you have a strong need to sometimes be her knight in shining armor, if only for a moment or two, or at least her slaveboy in shining collar.

Helping someone with things outside of a scene isn't topping from the bottom. It's service.



vasha -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 5:24:41 PM)

quote:

but that you have a strong need to sometimes be her knight in shining armor


what you see isnt the armor shining, so much as light shining Through the gaping holes in it.  armor is rusted, sword blunted... trust me, im no one's hero. i do what i can tho. 
And yes, ive talked to her about it all.  extensivly.  im just asking for ideas other may have.  other ways to handel these kinds of things



RealSub58 -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 8:21:54 PM)

You know vasha, sometimes we need to let people do what they must do only for they themselves to learn that they must ask for help.
Make sense? 



Lockit -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 8:48:35 PM)

You know... many are looking at this from the point of view of watching someone suffer, not from the suffering person finding their way.  Each of us must find our balance in it all and have many things to emotionally and physically digest and work through.  A part of my balance is that I must do things for myself even if it hurts because it will hurt more if I don't do it.  I must be active.  I must move and do for myself.  For many reasons.  Laying down and allowing someone else to do for me will actually bring on more pain and suffering physically.

We also must keep ourselves okay emotionally and cannot feel helpless and such.

When I say I wish to do it, I do not want someone sitting there trying to find ways to do it.  I want them accepting my knowledge of my health issues and what I need to do to remain healthy, happy and well adjusted.  No one knows that better than I do.  When I need help, I will ask for it.  Until then... back off... leave me alone with it.  I will ruthlessly protect my ability in every sense of the word because that is what is best for me.  When I need help remembering something or with something I know will overtax me, I will ask for it.

What I want my submissive paying attention to... because it has been the very reason most my relationships were ruined, was his attitude and way of thinking.  No, you cannot fix me... no you cannot sit there feeling frustrated or as if you must do more to assist me.  You must trust me and if you are second guessing things, not believing me when I say I would rather do it myself and if you are trying to pounce when you think you ought to because you know better than I do about my needs, then... it will end in a good bye.

I say trust your dominant to know and do what she must unless she has allowed herself to fall apart or ruin herself with pride.  Pride doesn't play much a part in my health issues or the dealing with them.  If she is handling life and things are okay... then trust her to know what is best for her and the relationship or you are basically saying you know better than she does.



LadyPact -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/8/2009 9:36:15 PM)

Not to specifically attempt to quote Olivia Newton-John or anything, but My advice to you is to feel your way.

Just about a couple of years ago, I had a car accident on My way to pick clip up so we could ride together to a local munch.  I was not seriously hurt, but I was shaken.  Just as anyone would be after a head on collision.  My humanity was obvious.  The other car that hit Me didn't care that I was a Dominant, nor was I 'in control' of the situation. 

The boy who would become My sub came to Me.  (Due to circumstances, that wasn't as easy as it sounds.)  In the course of events, he urged Me to seek medical attention, but submitted to My wishes on how I would do so.  It was hard for him, but he submitted to My final authority.  My decision ruled, even though his knowledge on medical matters far exceeds My own.  No, he wasn't happy, but he did submit.

Skipping ahead.  The following day at the ER, it was quite a long time waiting for the cat scan.  That was still when clip was a nursing student.  Wearing his uniform, he snuck in to be at My side.  I hadn't told him that he couldn't bend the hospital rules a bit to be with Me.  I woke up to him brushing My hair from My forehead.  I was groggy still, but I remember this very clearly.  As clip went off to see if he could bump Me up for the scan, My other half (MisterPact) helped Me to realize something.

"Don't you see how devoted he is to you?" he asked.  "If you don't, everyone else certainly does."

That was the moment that I knew.  The boy would submit to My authority, and yet he saw Me as a frail human.  It was ok to be both. 









chamberqueen -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/9/2009 6:02:11 AM)

vasha, I am a woman who has a permanent limp and has had to deal with pain.  I understand your empathy since I am also too empathetic, but please let me shed a little light so that you might better understand your Mistress.

If she is like me, there is an embarrassment that comes along with the limp.  Women are supposed to have a sexy walk, to be able to wear high heels, to flow from place to place.  Instead it is like we have a cement foot.  There is no glorious war story to go along with it or some act of heroism.  A woman with a limp can feel out of place and ugly.  (Not 100% of the time, but it crosses her mind.)  It's even been shown off this way in movies like The Glass Menagerie, the poor sister with a limp who can't get a man to even want to date her.

So, we overcompensate.  We say we don't need help even when it has gotten to the point of being stubborn about it.  We despise the looks of pity and concern and it just renews our resolve to show that we can do it for ourselves.

I loved the comment above about, "it would be my honor to...".  I know I would accept that a whole lot better than, "you're obviously tired/in pain/need to rest" or something similar.  "Please, ma'am, let me do my job" would probably also get to me.  I also liked the suggestion of feigning a leg cramp, though what would probably work better is claiming to be a bit tired.

If your Mistress has already given you suggestions, as you say, hers are going to be much more important than any that we strangers can give you.  If she was not a strong woman you would not be serving her.  If what she needs for her dignity is to push herself beyond what she should physically then it may be something that you simply have to accept. 



vasha -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/9/2009 4:02:38 PM)

*nods resigned*  ok... i get it.  ill do my best to see things as you recommend, LadyPact... and as many of you mentioned- accept the rest... at least with less duress or stress.
Thankyou all for your suggestions, and comments.

~vasha



Lockit -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/9/2009 4:10:57 PM)

vasha, it isn't easy to watch someone suffer or struggle. I think it is wonderful when someone wants to help me somehow and will discuss it with them as I don't want them suffering over my suffering.  I take a lot of it in stride and have a pretty good attitude about it.  There is a process to understanding your limitations and how not to push too hard and lots of things to get through and there is some trial and error in it all, but there is no other way to get through it than to walk it.

What you could do is maybe focus on learning massage and how it might ease your mistress if she has pushed too hard or needs a bit of comforting.  Be there as stressless as you can be and just be watchful.  You too will have some things to go through in it all and you will both find your happy spot in it all.

I actually had a submissive that would get a lil pushy at times and I loved him all the more for it, but he had to learn when to say something and when to simply trust me.  We had a tool that helped a lot.  When I knew I had enough I would say... domme down and he would know that was when he needed to step up and take care of me.  Maybe you and your mistress can work some things out that will help you both deal with whatever is going on. 

I wish you both the best!



justme1980 -> RE: good way to handle a touchie matter? (7/9/2009 4:47:37 PM)

I would say " If it pleases you, May I be allowed to assist you whatever



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