First time with BDSM?

First time with BDSM? (Full Version)

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Art4Love -> First time with BDSM? (7/8/2009 9:33:50 PM)
Ok, well let me start off by saying I'm a shy guy. I have in the past had only traditional, private, and serious sexual relationships. So of all the vanilla variations, I would say I have lived the standard "whole-fat, French Vanilla, Slow-churned" experience. Being a shy guy use to his privacy, but still wanting to explore this life style, I have a rather limiting profile.. I marked curious for the things I would be willing to try, but without someone I trust un-dieingly I'm afraid I can't free up anymore of those hard-limits.. Being so young, jumping out there into the BDSM community by going to a public dungeon is both a frightening thought, it forces me to cross all my appearance discomforts/doubts I have, and throw them to the wind... but its far safer than a house visit! (safety spotters, other people, support, ect?) How did you all begin? How did you get over your initial shyness of dozens of people watching you have sexual encounters? Or am I just to damn shy? How do you know you can trust someone enough to let them guide you? (I think I may just need to take a risk and accept someone) Also, I'm looking for a relationship, so I feel like I have to be experienced in this lifestyle for when I meet that Miss Perfect, so should I just go out and jump to it? In my experience I've learned that two things should never be jumped into; sex, and trust. But then again, I’m not the bravest of guys.. So I need some advice here before I head out and take my first steps. Strangely enough, trying to get into this lifestyle makes me feel like I'm trying to loose my virginity again. >< Only, my first time having sex happened when I stopped trying to get it..

rayne221 -> RE: Can I swim yet? Or should I just dive? (7/8/2009 9:48:09 PM)
This may initially not be the most fulfilling of experiences for you, and some here may disagree with me -- but considering your age, your shyness and your inexperience... i personally would strongly suggest you do some role playing online. It is, without any question the safest way. You may never get used to having sex in public at these play parties. I never have. The 'scene' thing is not necessarily for everyone. No one in D/s fits into any 'mold' so to speak as to what they enjoy or do not enjoy. My advice to you is to go slow, check out some chat rooms which are D/s related and or BDSM related online, do a bit of cyber playing, and play in cyber the way you would in real life. This was the route i took and i was truly amazed to find, that when i finally did transpose what i had learned into real life; i had learned a great deal about myself. I would not worry tooo much at this point about meeting someone. As you are not in the process of doing so. So often these things do sort themselves out. When you are ready however and if you are still concerned for your safety.. always have first meetings in a public place. And always realize.. crazy people don't necessarily strike on the first or second times upon meeting. Set up what is known as a 'safe call' . Any good Dominant is going to want you to feel at ease. They should do all in their power to make you feel that way. There are specific parameters to a safe call and if you don't know what they are ... you can do a search online which will explain them. You are also free to contact me and i will walk you through it.

AAkasha -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/8/2009 9:55:57 PM)
My advice: Join my femdom guild in World of Warcraft. The ladies would eat you up :) Akasha

Racquelle -> RE: Can I swim yet? Or should I just dive? (7/8/2009 10:01:03 PM)
Before going to a public dungeon or play party, perhaps you may want to look for a social gathering like a Munch first - get to know some people in a non-play setting. They can frequently help you feel more comfortable getting into play situations. It really is that "new kid in school" feeling and it is hard to get over the hump and meet people. I have been at this for a number of years, and I am still sometimes too shy to play in public - or more than shy - the other people can be a distraction and keep me from getting into my scene as much as I would like. Do know that you can always go to play parties and just watch. many dungeons hold classes and lectures you might like. You do not have to treat this like cramming for an exam. When you meet Miss Perfect, she will accept you on whatever level you are at.

LadyPact -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/8/2009 10:09:39 PM)
Yeah. That's good. Mix the beginning computer fantasy with, ummmm, more virtual fantasy. World of Warcraft isn't the answer. Neither is Second Life, IRC, or anything else. Sure, it may take you further in fantasy, but you won't get a taste of reality that way. Reality is what happens when you stop playing a character on a screen, shut the system down, and walk outside of your front door. Look. You have a choice here. You can allow your fear to run your life, or you can run your life in spite of fear. The definition of courage isn't a lack of fear. It's what you can do when you have fear, and take action in spite of it.

AAkasha -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/8/2009 10:19:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Yeah. That's good. Mix the beginning computer fantasy with, ummmm, more virtual fantasy. World of Warcraft isn't the answer. Neither is Second Life, IRC, or anything else. Sure, it may take you further in fantasy, but you won't get a taste of reality that way. Reality is what happens when you stop playing a character on a screen, shut the system down, and walk outside of your front door. Look. You have a choice here. You can allow your fear to run your life, or you can run your life in spite of fear. The definition of courage isn't a lack of fear. It's what you can do when you have fear, and take action in spite of it. He has MMORPG's in his profile (expert); it's not a flippant suggestion. Remarkably, or not so much, a lot of the members of our guild have developed quite interesting relationships. It takes the pressure off of the interaction. I have found that for subs that are shy, it puts them in a great place if they are able to do something they are good at, and comfortable with, to come out of their shell. For the subs that are capable gamers, when they get into the guild, they are able to express their desire to serve - by helping ladies with quests, being a bodyguard, or sending virtual gifts - without the pressure of worrying about being scammed. We also have the ability to chat - voice - via a server at the same time. The flirtatious, sometimes totally inappropriate conversations are fantastic. I have a private "room" there myself where I have spent quite some time not doing anything "game related," actually. Earlier today I was doing something with a sub that had very little to do with the game and much more to do with my wet panties, a gag I sent him in the mail and the KTB I was going to make him wear while "questing." Akasha

Art4Love -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/8/2009 10:35:22 PM)
I'm in. o_o -jk- hmn.. Ok, well I think I'll try the observeing of the scene and munches.. perhaps roleplay. ^^

LadyPact -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/8/2009 10:48:48 PM)
I won't deny that there are potential possibilities once settled into the nice, safe environment to the game. Yet, do you not always speak of pushing boundaries? Of the thrill of going beyond that comfort zone? Is that not what you, yourself, are turned on by? Tell Me you get the same reaction from an online role play game as you do by tying up a bottom and watching the fear in his eyes. Sure, your panties might get wet imagining the words on the screen coming to life. Does that really compare to the experiences you've had in the flesh? For all you have done, can you say it is quite the same? Why not tell someone that they should reach out for the brass ring? Why should we tell anyone that they should only read of adventures, rather to go out and live them? Isn't that what you did, Akasha? Isn't that what I did? Would either of us have been satisfied had we done something else? Each of us could have taken the safe and easy route. We didn't. Our lives were enriched because of it. I will stand firm on My convictions in conjugating two very simple verbs that are prevalent in most civilized languages. To do and to be. Why should anyone get less fulfillment for the lack of them? My best to you, and to your house, Akasha.

Art4Love -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/8/2009 11:03:09 PM)
I feel a storm a-brewing... -shivers- I have no interests in living a purely digital fantasy, if I did I would still most definitely be a virgin. I can take risks, and now that I'm annoyed I feel more like running out there and doing something incredibly "brave" and foolish. I'm not a pansy ass, nor am I living my life out of fear. I enjoy fear sometimes, its exhilarating, I just don't feel like getting hurt for my foolishness is all. -_- RAWR. -grumble, grumble- ok.. I'm better now.. where were we?

ZenDragoness -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/9/2009 12:01:45 AM)
Naturally i do not know about the way it is handled in Seattle, but here in Europe we have special groups for very young people into bdsm. Some are communities in the net, some are undergroups of the adult groups that meet in for example Berlin or Amsterdam. I would look for local groups that meet for a munch without play in a restaurant or cafe. Go there and look if you see somebody who seems approachable or write to the organisators of the munch beforehand. Generally speaking people who are into bdsm are very helpful. ZD

RCdc -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/9/2009 1:44:39 AM)
One word. Participation. That doesn't mean you go off with the first female or male that comes along or have to start wearing PVC or leather immediately(unless thats your thang) but do participate. Like you are here. Post. You might be shy, but you have already started 'participating'. It gets you 'known' and it gets you to know people. People like Lady Pact, Mercnbeth, Simply Michael, etc(I am using USA based peeps for now) or other posters whom play vital roles in their local areas post frequently about upcoming events that you might feel able to attend eventually. Go to a munch, get involved. Get some of your artwork together and show it at an event by contacting the organisers. All these groovy things. You don't have to be experienced in BDSM before you find a partner, but a little bit of knowledge isn't going to hurt either. Making friends is a route I always reccomend because it is going to get you into all sorts of other relationships and might even lead to you meeting someone. You can have a private relationship and a public persona. It's all rocking. the.dark.

AAkasha -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/9/2009 7:39:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact I won't deny that there are potential possibilities once settled into the nice, safe environment to the game. Yet, do you not always speak of pushing boundaries? Of the thrill of going beyond that comfort zone? Is that not what you, yourself, are turned on by? Tell Me you get the same reaction from an online role play game as you do by tying up a bottom and watching the fear in his eyes. Sure, your panties might get wet imagining the words on the screen coming to life. Does that really compare to the experiences you've had in the flesh? For all you have done, can you say it is quite the same? Why not tell someone that they should reach out for the brass ring? Why should we tell anyone that they should only read of adventures, rather to go out and live them? Isn't that what you did, Akasha? Isn't that what I did? Would either of us have been satisfied had we done something else? Each of us could have taken the safe and easy route. We didn't. Our lives were enriched because of it. I will stand firm on My convictions in conjugating two very simple verbs that are prevalent in most civilized languages. To do and to be. Why should anyone get less fulfillment for the lack of them? My best to you, and to your house, Akasha. I don't subscribe to the "either/or" theory of online (well, phone, technically) power exchange and real life power exchange. I don't think people who do "in the flesh" S&M are better than those that, for whatever reason, do not. Do I think real life S&m is more rewarding and intense? Of course! But I have found this simple fact to be true: I need BOTH. I do plenty of real life S&M because I have it in the home, and I also am in an open relationship and slowly dabbling with new partners. That said, I need to have ongoing, intense and realistic distance S&m as added flavor to my interactions. Just because S&m flavor is mixed into the backdrop of an MMORPG doesn't mean it can't lead to real life encounters, but that's not what it's about it. It's about giving a younger, inexperienced person that opportunity to chat, in a no-pressure context, with very kinky people who do kink in real life. So he isn't terrified and uncomfortable when approaching people in real life, and can ask what he feels are stupid questions. Getting to know, casually, a few kinky people online is far favorable to doing nothing and letting fear build up or going to a real life event and having a miserable time. Another dynamic I have to explain, which is a shock to me, but it's happened. I started the kinky femdom guild just as a fluke, for amusement. The connections that have been made between people in it far outmeasures anything I could have predicted, including some real life partners who hooked up after meeting in the guild. The guild is only 7 months old. The reason it's allowing kinky people to make connections is that it provides a platform for interaction that doesn't focus on sex. The platform focusses on interaction and collaboration. It also allows submisisve men to be playful and cooperative without having to posture all the time - and it allows their personalities to show through. They act like normal "guys" for the most part, but we all know they are kinky. It's a great way to break down barriers. You can say that when I dominate my "wowbitch" (as I playfully call him) it's merely an online thing; however, it's not technically online, it's on the telephone. With a webcam. So I can see his eyes. And the toys I sent him and make him use - they are real. And the pain is real. And the degradation is real. What he says to me is real. The fact that my hand isn't clenched in his hair is a mere technicality; and the reality is that it will happen eventually, so long as he isn't too afraid to meet me when I travel out his way. It's inevitable. In the meantime, it's a hell of a way to spice up an online game. Akasha

LadyPact -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/9/2009 8:42:28 AM)
And that is the problem, Akasha. It spices up your game. Your guild. In ways, your benefit. Are you quite sure it benefits his? Some people need that stepping stone. On this, I will not disagree. Yet, why not encourage someone to go past that? Why not encourage someone to step into the real world, rather than sit behind the screen? Do you really think that those same hours devoted to achieving level eighty are better spent than attending a munch in the local community? It sounds too much like you would feed into the fear of real life encounters, rather than encouraging those who would like to be supported in stepping out of the front door. Here is the issue, as I see it. One of us has a vested interest in the discussion and the other doesn't. The advice I give here does not provide prestige so I can boast of the number of members of a guild or how many paying customers are on a website. If you had not created that gig on WOW, would you have given the same advice? I feel we do a great disservice when feeding the fear of the real world, rather than offering the courage to explore it.

AAkasha -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/9/2009 9:02:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact And that is the problem, Akasha. It spices up your game. Your guild. In ways, your benefit. Are you quite sure it benefits his? Some people need that stepping stone. On this, I will not disagree. Yet, why not encourage someone to go past that? Why not encourage someone to step into the real world, rather than sit behind the screen? Do you really think that those same hours devoted to achieving level eighty are better spent than attending a munch in the local community? It sounds too much like you would feed into the fear of real life encounters, rather than encouraging those who would like to be supported in stepping out of the front door. Here is the issue, as I see it. One of us has a vested interest in the discussion and the other doesn't. The advice I give here does not provide prestige so I can boast of the number of members of a guild or how many paying customers are on a website. If you had not created that gig on WOW, would you have given the same advice? I feel we do a great disservice when feeding the fear of the real world, rather than offering the courage to explore it. I don't work for Blizzard. I don't profit from people signing up to play the game, so I am not sure about that connection, but it's an interesting one. I'm simply pointing out that if someone already has "MMORPG" listed in his profile as "EXPERT" - it means chances are he is already investing a lot of time in the environment already. I'm not attempting to recruit someone who doesn't have any interest in the platform. My advice is also specific to the OP's situation because he's young, he's admitted he is VERY shy and he is unsure about going out into a public place, play party or dungeon alone. Perhaps he'd meet someone who would take him along to an event in his area, for example. Someone he met in game and was already comfortable with. Not quite sure why this is such a difficult concept to grasp - he was looking for suggestions how to take a first step. I was offering something that may involve an area in which he already has a comfort level. Akasha

LadyPact -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/9/2009 9:19:37 AM)
As I am doing the same. If someone is already comfortable online, one could just as easily join the local yahoo group. Much more likely that he would meet someone close to him where he could go along to the local meet and greet or event. I suppose My quandary is this. Why in the world do we make such a big deal about taking the steps for someone just to go out with a group of people for something so easy as getting together for dinner? Many people are shy, but even shy people go to public restaurants for a meal. Most groups don't allow overt kinky displays at this time, so how is this less safe than a game where certain sexual overtones are obvious? You are continuing to reinforce him to as why. Instead, I am telling him to ask why not.

AAkasha -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/9/2009 9:27:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact As I am doing the same. If someone is already comfortable online, one could just as easily join the local yahoo group. Much more likely that he would meet someone close to him where he could go along to the local meet and greet or event. I suppose My quandary is this. Why in the world do we make such a big deal about taking the steps for someone just to go out with a group of people for something so easy as getting together for dinner? Many people are shy, but even shy people go to public restaurants for a meal. Most groups don't allow overt kinky displays at this time, so how is this less safe than a game where certain sexual overtones are obvious? You are continuing to reinforce him to as why. Instead, I am telling him to ask why not. What is the reason he can't do both? I don't get it. Akasha

LadyPact -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/9/2009 9:31:46 AM)
Why should he limit himself to one, and not the other?

AAkasha -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/9/2009 9:37:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Why should he limit himself to one, and not the other? If you read the thread, I encouraged him to join a femdom guild in game but did not tell him NOT to go to a munch or other things. You are the one that associated anything online with fear or other negative things. You are the one limiting his options, not me. You said: "Yeah. That's good. Mix the beginning computer fantasy with, ummmm, more virtual fantasy. World of Warcraft isn't the answer. Neither is Second Life, IRC, or anything else. Sure, it may take you further in fantasy, but you won't get a taste of reality that way. Reality is what happens when you stop playing a character on a screen, shut the system down, and walk outside of your front door. Look. You have a choice here. You can allow your fear to run your life, or you can run your life in spite of fear. The definition of courage isn't a lack of fear. It's what you can do when you have fear, and take action in spite of it."

LadyPact -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/9/2009 10:17:25 AM)
This has started to lean to a pissing contest, that is becoming to neither of us. If the OP is already an 'expert' at online, and he was content with that, I doubt he would have ever asked the question. I'm sure he already knows what can be achieved with SL or WOW. He has that already. The OP himself said, "I have no interests in living a purely digital fantasy." To Me, that means he just needs a little encouragement to get himself into meatlife. Those roleplay games online are great for many. For some, that's all they are ever going to want. I don't believe that is the case for the OP. I think he wants more. I think he wants to see that there are people who will encourage him to seek more. That his shyness can be overcome. That it doesn't have to limit him to a world behind a screen. That it's not necessary for him to hide behind a character in a fantasy world so that he can explore. All he has to do, is open his front door. In the mess that has become this debate, neither of us has helped the OP. I'm sure this exchange has done nothing for him. I'm not even sure that he will see the difference between someone encouraging him and someone else promoting yet another website. OP, the best thing I can tell you is this. Chances are, whatever your location, there is a munch group within driving distance of you. I understand that you're shy. Many people are and the prospect of meeting people in the flesh can be intimidating. I do understand your fear, but it isn't necessary. A munch group is just the same as any other that gets together because they have a common interest. It gives you a chance to meet them and them a chance to meet you and you'll have an evening where you don't have to cook for yourself. Who doesn't want a night where they don't have to do the dishes? If it doesn't work out, at least you tried. If it does, that ten bucks you spend on dinner might just open up a new world for you.

DesFIP -> RE: First time with BDSM? (7/9/2009 11:14:33 AM)
You don't have to be experienced, your partner doesn't have to be experienced. You simply have to be able to tell the other what you are interested in trying, and accept that they may want to do things you don't and vice versa. There's nothing wrong if you love the idea of bondage and it is a turn off for her. Just accept it as you are not compatible, don't blame each other. So you can go to munches and dungeons and so on, but you can also just keep dating women you meet who you find appealing and ask if they would like to explore with you.

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