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wynter1977 -> A note for Closure... (2/17/2006 4:13:39 AM)
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Sunday, January 1, 2006
Subject: thoughts in exile
Time: 12:50:55 AM EST
Author: wyntersheart269
Mood: Quiet
Music: tori amos
It seems like forever since I’ve seen, or heard you're voice. I feel your absence like a knot in the pit of my stomach. I barely believe in you. You seem waithlike, and fleeting,...half real, and transparent. More dream than a creature having any substance. it’s a fearful thing, to love what is only alive and whole in your head.
This is not how I planned you. What I dreamed us up to be. I prefer the fantasy of us that I had when we talked for hours. I am becoming resigned now to feeling this way. I don't understand this change.? You leave me alone to find a whores comfort in the arms of strangers. Still I long for you. It is madness, my feeling affection for you right now. That is me in the corner, half dead, wordlessly. Where are you? What' has happened? Who are you? You are no good to me as a rumor. I need you with ground under your feet. I have enough mirages. I am tired out with absences; and with trying to fill them.
Your silence is vehemence., I hate it, and yet I fear your speaking now as well. Your truth might be death dealing. Loving you is nothing less than one of my grandest of self-betrayals. you've brought me no comfort, you who have become the nothing to me that you truly are. I have no anger towards you, only towards myself. I am ashamed that I accept this from you, an still want you near me as much as I do. I feel I should be outraged and insulted. Not sad, filled with longing, and missing you. However I am content with the lie that i should feel this devotion towards you. I must be, unable as I am to give you up. For now, it is enough. You create for me something to feel while traversing this empty space. I am passing the time in a web of fantasy and deceit. It isnothing more than hope in you though. I have no faith in you or us as I did before. Just a desperate clinging to hope. It is a sad thing.
Mostly, i pass my day in a state that is numb enough that I can pretend to be happy. I pass as content enough. I do so by filling my thoughts with lies that give me comfort. Such as, I am fine, and strong. You are there and real and caring. I will become someone worthwhile.. In the springtime I will love life again. In this state of self-defacing ignorance, I can pretend to not feel so alone without you, as the days repeat the same absences of you. It works until I hear the echo of you in the silence, or feel the breath of empty space, that is when the world becomes more difficult than I have said.
“There is no because in love.” No reason. I have no explanation. Only that I hunger for you. You fill the void. Despite myself I crave you. I am living for momentary beauty. With you, I know my heart will belong and break. Still I leave it out on the shelf, like an uncertain offering.. It is a lonely girls ignorance that keeps it there. Knowing, as I do, it must struggle against the sapphire sharpness of the truth's you offer up, they are death-dealing.
What I seek in you is not nothing. I am searching for what shines in you. What shines in everyone who's inner flame has not been snuffed out and hidden in the murky depths. Mine is lost and blue. I should know by now to give up wanting to touch it. I cannot grasp it. I cannot trust in love or you, neither have a shape I can see, nor a sound I can hear. I have offered myself up to you in trade for shelter. .Although I haven’t much to offer.. A smile. Eyes. Hands. Mouth. No soul.
I have prostrated myself before you.. I want to live for you, through you. Making your will, your life, your desires, my purpose. My command center. My touchstone. I want nothing more than to hand up to you all that is me, and let you make it yours. I thought that it was something beautiful and rare. . Undoubtedly much of me will be left on the side of your bed. Hidden with the many other secret places with in you. In the end will you make me the better for it? Alive, transformed, and renewed. Where are you? Doesn't this mean more to you than all these empty spaces?
What more can I say? I am beginning to speak in the past tence. I know fear of loss is not enough to cause love to stay. If hurting my feelings for weeks strait is not enough to move you, you are the anti-christ, a true dream-killer. There are no words that will work. I put my faith in you, and it is faltering. Do I hold so little weight? Don't you miss me at all? How can I be so far from your thoughts for so long if you care at all? Do you have some purpose? Or are you simply this careless? I can find no excuse or lie that justifies this.
Say something, speak.
Subject: Letting you go
Time: 6:26:44 AM EST
Author: wyntersheart269
Mood: Quiet
Feb 17, 2006
You will hear me. If you hear will you care? No your sadness is that still you will not feel me there. Fear is singing in me, it plays chords. Do you not see me? I am nobody behind this glass wall. How can you see me when even I cannot?
I am lost, and you are soulless and savage. Are you still lost in youthful delusions that love has no bounds? You have us as Gods. We are not Gods. You think feelings are things you can crash against the cement casement of your soul. I crack bloodless and thirsty while you laugh. While you dance I face your death in me. I cannot breath. You are like a disease, and truly you are a plague to me. You thought me a free thing. Not priceless, but costless.
You seek only what is broken, It is a weak mans only deceit.
You saw only me, flightless, clipped, and grounded. I laugh while you sit thinking it is me you deceive. You are no dove. You are the vulture, waiting in the trees, desolate, and feeding off the dead.
I will speak. I will speak, laughing and you will not hear me. You would have me think that a heart is the lobed shape we learn as children. That in us beats a valentine. But there is no love in hearts, there is only blood. Love can not be spoken. Love is indefinable and mystical and true. Bah, I laugh at you. Does not love come from inside?
We are but flesh and bone. I know from where my love stems.
We were like doves. We were cells in one body. Your body was my instrument and mine was yours. That which satisfied me, was that which pleased you. I felt only our pain, I experienced only our joy. I was us. It came from my mind and yours. From millions of years of practice. Now you sully it.
It was natural, we were doves. Our minds lead us in and lead us out. Nature dictated our every movement. We were a falling rock, a running stream. And yet still you cloak yourself in these delusions. You have us as gods, you give us freedom. We are not gods. We have no freedom. I am the dream-killer, but you are the dreamer. You can live in your dream, but I cannot. Dreams are not real. You are not real. Your heart is so heavy that it drags you to the ground. I know better. Let it drag you to the ground, but a heart is full of blood.
What of doves? How very deep they are. Are they two spirits joined permanently in the fabric of the universe? I will be happy. I will continue to live unremorsefully. You may never hear me now.
Know that for all intents and purposes, I wash my hands of you. When you are ready, say that it so and we can take that lie of certifigate down. I see no reason to leave it up, afterall whom is it you own? I am the servant my master, but I am my own master for now.
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