Are we having fun yet? (Full Version)

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TheLadyIsADomme -> Are we having fun yet? (7/10/2009 7:55:01 PM)

For anyone who followed along with my previous thread, this one should come as no surprise.  But I am interested in others' opinions/experiences.  How *do* you know if the sub you are playing with is enjoying himself?  Clearly, there will be some "physical" signs, but even those may not be sustained for hours on end, at least in my experience.  Besides seeing physical evidence of arousal (shallow breathing, tightened muscles, the look on the face or in the eyes, etc.), how do you guage whether what you as a dom are doing is having a positive effect on the sub you are playing with, especially if you are playing with someone who is a stoic?  Or does it even matter?  And if you can tell, and it appears he is not, do you stop play?  Do you "discuss it"?  Or do you just continue to do what you want to do regardless.
 
I'm curious as to others' styles. 
 
Warmly,
LD



Lockit -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/10/2009 8:11:24 PM)

I ask. lol  I want feedback at most times.  If all seems to be going well... I may still ask... how do you like that .... you want more?  lol... I know you do... but.. hehe  It depends on what is going on, but I play lil games, ask things even things not related sometimes.  One never knows with me.  I might decide to stop and have some tea. lol



TheLadyIsADomme -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/10/2009 8:38:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

I ask. lol  I want feedback at most times.  If all seems to be going well... I may still ask... how do you like that .... you want more?  lol... I know you do... but.. hehe  It depends on what is going on, but I play lil games, ask things even things not related sometimes.  One never knows with me.  I might decide to stop and have some tea. lol


Yes, good point, Lockit.  Even their non-response or the depth of the response will have some indicators to it.
Thank you.
Warmly,
LD



LadyPact -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/10/2009 8:39:17 PM)

A lot of My play encounters are casual play.  (Please note, S/m play, not sex.)  Still at least 95% of the time, it's with someone that I know.  I already have the background information.  If I put something on My journal or another site that says I'm going to be at some event, play party, or the other, and I have spots open on My dance card, people I've played with before will get priority.  I already know what kind of scene energy that I have with them, if they had fun the last time, what they liked, and what they didn't.  I have had pre-scene negotiations with them before, aftercare, next day follow up, and another follow up a few days later.

If I'm specifically meeting someone new that I've never played with before, I do a lot of talking with them prior to the scene.  If they are experienced, I'll ask them directly what kind of play they have liked in the past.  Since I do a lot of types of play, there's almost always something that I'll have in common with a bottom.  I do want it to be fun for both of us. 

Most first time scenes that I do with a new bottom, I want to push a bit, but also leave them waiting for more the next time around.  I won't play with someone as hard as I can or to the extent of My sadism.  That's a lot for a person who's bottoming to Me to handle their first time out.  I also play to their level.  If they are not a heavy masochist, it's going to be a light scene so I can feel them out.  If they are doing well, I'll go further.  I do a lot of checking by touching them, attempting to see if they are trembling, are they cold, warm, whatever.  I ask probing questions.  If I think they need an opening, I'll specifically ask a question that allows them to say 'red' without feeling like they have failed.  What color is My hair is usually does the trick.  A smart bottom knows the difference between saying red and either you're a redhead or it's auburn.

Not to sound egotistical, but I have a great sixth sense during play.  Call it what you will, but I know when they hit space most of the time.  I read people very well.  Some don't like their bottom going to space, but I love it.  I see the change in the body that reflects that they've floated away.  I taste their 'happy tears' when they get there.  See the glazed over look in their eyes.  Check their reactions when I tell them I've enjoyed their suffering or tell them how proud they've made Me.  Whatever sticks, I use.






aidan -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/10/2009 9:56:30 PM)

I'm not terribly hard to read during sex or play. I broadcast my enjoyment of everything physically and verbally; anything but stoic. And Mistress likes to see the positive reactions to our play, so it's a win-win all around. Even when I'm not erect (and sometimes I'm not during intense S/m play), She can still tell that the good energy is flowing.

If I'm struggling too much, or not in the right way, She can tell and puts the kibosh on what we're doing. Last year She was just about to leave for a trip I couldn't come along on, and I was really bummed out. Even though I didn't realize it that was making my pain tolerance drop sharply and since I couldn't get into it neither could She. I would not have been able to make that call for myself, but She was able to tell from the way I was screaming and how my body was moving.



thishereboi -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/11/2009 4:03:58 AM)

You watch how they react while you are playing. Hopefully you know your partner well enough to tell how they are feeling during the scene. Afterwards you discuss it with them and ask questions.



SSM -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/11/2009 4:26:41 AM)

If it is someone you have known for a while, you should have a pretty good idea already what he would like - and not like - to try with you. 

But that is no guarantee your scene will not still fall flat.

If a submissive really wants to please you and you have a great time (and show it), they tend to be happy even if it was not exactly what they were expecting.

Before starting to play make it clear the guy MUST tell you right away if he's not in the right headspace.  Its a kind of emotional safeword.

He does not have to give you the reason he is not into it (or not into you), but it helps.

From personal experience, being told by a man "Sorry, but I am just not in the right headspace for this right now" is a lot nicer to hear than "Mistress, you suck and I am having a horrible time" or words to that effect :)





vasha -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/11/2009 9:33:52 AM)

quote:

I have had pre-scene negotiations with them before, aftercare, next day follow up, and another follow up a few days later.

gota say that im impressed.  few ive ever even Heard of go that far to see how things went.   i had a very bad delayed reaction to a play scene once... was afterward while walking  my way home.  bad bad bad bad...  sub-drop or something.  im .... extremely glad some take lots more concern for their play partner. truely & deeply.

~vasha



OttersSwim -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/11/2009 11:04:48 AM)

When I am engaged and enjoying play, my ass just starts swaying back and forth unconciously.  My Lady says it is just like many female submissives do and that makes me happy as I did it before I had ever seen any female submissives in BDSM play and so it was something natural and very feminine that came out of me - which, if you are me, is considered a -good- thing.  [;)]



LadyPact -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/12/2009 3:44:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: vasha

quote:

I have had pre-scene negotiations with them before, aftercare, next day follow up, and another follow up a few days later.

gota say that im impressed.  few ive ever even Heard of go that far to see how things went.   i had a very bad delayed reaction to a play scene once... was afterward while walking  my way home.  bad bad bad bad...  sub-drop or something.  im .... extremely glad some take lots more concern for their play partner. truely & deeply.

~vasha


Thank you, vasha, though I have to say that I don't think it's that out of the ordinary.  Most of My play partners are friends of Mine, and who doesn't look out for their friends?



LadyConstanze -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/14/2009 10:07:19 AM)

Talk to them, personally I am not too fond of "stoics", I prefer a bit of interaction, then start slow and increase if you feel you are getting a good response.

It's unlikely that you're going to have 24 hour constant play, so in between the breaks, get a bit of feedback, though I found that some people are still too caught up to give you a good feedback straight away, sometimes a day or 2 later is much better to talk about it...

And trust your gut feeling, if you think something is wrong, rather stop and ask, it might break the scene somewhat, but rather that than venturing in the wrong direction and you're both not getting anything out of it.



AlexandraLynch -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/14/2009 6:08:47 PM)

I always play with people who tend to be on the "loud" end of things, and give running feedback. I haven't so much looked for it and worried about it as it's just been a characteristic of the people I'm around.



fadedshadow -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/29/2009 4:31:41 AM)

i think asking is a good way to find out



MsStarlett -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/29/2009 5:04:13 AM)

It's always kind of hard the first few times to know whether your boy is enjoying himself.  Everyone reacts differently.



fadedshadow -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/29/2009 5:05:47 AM)

for me, if i scream stop...it probably means i've had too much. though i don't remember actually being put in such a situation. *shrugs*



MsStarlett -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/29/2009 5:22:02 AM)

My new boy is more vocal than my last ones.  I enjoy that.  Of course, when I hear him begging "God.  Please."  I had to lean over him and whisper lustfully in his ear, "Please stop?  Or Please More?"  Then I had to hit him harder to correct that little gender error.  I do so love that expression of "What the hell did I get myself into?" horror.



PeonForHer -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/29/2009 5:30:12 AM)

Then I had to hit him harder to correct that little gender error. 

Yes, I can imagine that being called 'God' rather than 'Goddess' would be deeply insulting, Ms S.  Your man was showing insufficient respect for women generally there, IMO.



fadedshadow -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/29/2009 5:31:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsStarlett

My new boy is more vocal than my last ones.  I enjoy that.  Of course, when I hear him begging "God.  Please."  I had to lean over him and whisper lustfully in his ear, "Please stop?  Or Please More?"  Then I had to hit him harder to correct that little gender error.  I do so love that expression of "What the hell did I get myself into?" horror.


haha awesome



MsStarlett -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/29/2009 5:36:18 AM)

Yes, the new one has trouble saying "ghoddess" with feeling.  I'll have to work on that.  They all need a little training, even the more experienced ones.





fadedshadow -> RE: Are we having fun yet? (7/29/2009 5:39:42 AM)

training sounds fun



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