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Feeling worried please respond - 2/17/2006 9:18:01 AM

SweetEscravo

Posts: 193
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

I was just at a seminar that discussed child abuse and abuse in relationships. It has got me all worried suddenly, and my mind was playing through a lot of worst case scenarios that could happen due to the BDSM lifestyle. The seminar focused a lot on how to spot abuse even when it is not obvious, and they also talked a lot about bruises ect. I have never been abused by my dom and would not stay with him for a second if I was, but now I feel worried that someone might think I am because of my lifestyle. The kind of scenario I keep imagining is something like a worried doctor during a checkup or something, who might see a bruise or welt and question me.

How do you deal with this, or plan to deal with it if and when it comes up? Do you explain to your doctor the kind of life you live, and if so, do they believe you and respect that?

Any responces are appriciated. Thanks.

Post #: 1

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/17/2006 9:24:03 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo

I was just at a seminar that discussed child abuse and abuse in relationships. It has got me all worried suddenly, and my mind was playing through a lot of worst case scenarios that could happen due to the BDSM lifestyle. The seminar focused a lot on how to spot abuse even when it is not obvious, and they also talked a lot about bruises ect. I have never been abused by my dom and would not stay with him for a second if I was, but now I feel worried that someone might think I am because of my lifestyle. The kind of scenario I keep imagining is something like a worried doctor during a checkup or something, who might see a bruise or welt and question me.

How do you deal with this, or plan to deal with it if and when it comes up? Do you explain to your doctor the kind of life you live, and if so, do they believe you and respect that?

Any responces are appriciated. Thanks.

You respond by being honest about how you got them and by stating that you consented to the actions which caused the welts, bruises, whatever.

I recommend this book to anyone worried about these issues -- I know they are real because I worked a year on a health service project at Columbia University that addressed these concerns at the university health care services.

"Health Care without Shame" by Charles Moser -- I gave one to my therapist when it came out and it helped us talk about things.

Now I understand that as a dom I may not have the exact same worries but it is an issue I deal with in terms of Fox. I have given him my full support to tell any doctor, therapist, whoever he wants about me, us and what we do. Yes, he has read this book too.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 2

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/17/2006 9:24:38 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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No matter what signs are available, the biggest thing they will look at is YOU- do you become scared and afraid and try to hide when others notice? Or are you comfortable, confident and happy?

Attitude IMO is the key issue here. And yes, I think it's necessary to discuss my activities with my doctor.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 3

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/17/2006 9:24:47 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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Most Dr's. if told up front will be fine--Dr's and medical personnel are very trained in signs of abuse, it goes well beyond the occasional bruise or two---we always recommend, limited play before a Dr visit---

but here is an example of misinterpretation:

My unmentionable was on crutches due to a bad fall in the back yard--when she was trying to get her room ready for company, she moved her crutch out of the blankets, when she did, she broke the globe in the ceiling fan, it fell and sliced her arm--so here we go, on crutches and getting stitches in her arm---we had to answer more than a few questions--I wasn't a happy camper---but it is for the protection of others.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 2/17/2006 9:25:46 AM >

_____________________________

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Mistress Hathor

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 4

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/17/2006 9:28:21 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
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quote:

How do you deal with this, or plan to deal with it if and when it comes up? Do you explain to your doctor the kind of life you live, and if so, do they believe you and respect that?

Exactly as tammyjo stated...honestly and openly.

I am very upfront with health care professionals about my lifestyle. It is something that I discuss with any new doctor BEFORE he/she is examining me. I like to have a "clothes on" consulation with new doctors. If they can't respect that then I would say that you are in the wrong office and need to do a bit more "doctor shopping".

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 5

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/17/2006 9:30:18 AM

LaMalinche

Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo

I was just at a seminar that discussed child abuse and abuse in relationships. It has got me all worried suddenly, and my mind was playing through a lot of worst case scenarios that could happen due to the BDSM lifestyle. The seminar focused a lot on how to spot abuse even when it is not obvious, and they also talked a lot about bruises ect. I have never been abused by my dom and would not stay with him for a second if I was, but now I feel worried that someone might think I am because of my lifestyle. The kind of scenario I keep imagining is something like a worried doctor during a checkup or something, who might see a bruise or welt and question me.

How do you deal with this, or plan to deal with it if and when it comes up? Do you explain to your doctor the kind of life you live, and if so, do they believe you and respect that?

Any responces are appriciated. Thanks.

Well, saying, "I ran into a door" will not likely mollify them. Try honesty. "My partner and I practice consensual violence." As an adult (and I am assuming mental and physical competence) this should be enough. Matter-of-fact and non-diesembling.

Vitimens E and C as also good for preventing bruises.

Best,

LaMalinche

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 6

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/17/2006 9:50:27 AM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMalinche

Well, saying, "I ran into a door" will not likely mollify them. Try honesty. "My partner and I practice consensual violence." As an adult (and I am assuming mental and physical competence) this should be enough. Matter-of-fact and non-diesembling.

The concept of consensual violence is one that many people will have trouble wrapping their heads around. You're better off just saying you have kinky sex. That's an explanation no one will have trouble understanding.

quote:

Vitimens E and C as also good for preventing bruises.

They might help diminish the bruising, but the only thing that prevents bruising is not getting hit in the first place

~stef

_____________________________

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(in reply to LaMalinche)

Post #: 7

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/17/2006 9:53:55 AM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

A broken bone doesn't always say that you've been abused...perhaps you didn't ski as well as you thought. An iron burn doesn't always mean you've been abused...perhaps you were just reaching across and bumped the iron with your arm (been there, done that). So, too, might a bruise not show abuse.

Tell you Dr. when you know that he/she might see bruises that you are aware that they are there. If he/she asks where they came from, just tell them that they are from consensual activity. Drs are only required to report mysterious bruises on children, I believe...and, of course, that makes sense.

Fire

_____________________________

you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 8

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/17/2006 9:56:23 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

You respond by being honest about how you got them and by stating that you consented to the actions which caused the welts, bruises, whatever.

I recommend this book to anyone worried about these issues -- I know they are real because I worked a year on a health service project at Columbia University that addressed these concerns at the university health care services.

"Health Care without Shame" by Charles Moser -- I gave one to my therapist when it came out and it helped us talk about things.

Now I understand that as a dom I may not have the exact same worries but it is an issue I deal with in terms of Fox. I have given him my full support to tell any doctor, therapist, whoever he wants about me, us and what we do. Yes, he has read this book too.

What excelent advice. Brava!

If I may I'll use a story from my past to illustrate this. Years ago when I was very active in the SCA, I faced in combat a lovely lady who just happened to be the princess. We fought hard with no quater. At the end she fell foul to my mace giving me the victory. Later she showed me the bruises and welts from the four or five bouts of combat that day and asked if I'd help reassure her parents that sher had got them whilst enjoying her sport (Medieval Combat) so her BF didn't get blamed for physical abuse. (parents hated him because he was of Native Australian blood). I've always found openness regarding injuries are the best and strangely, many people don't believe the truth. FYI, I have found that Witch Hazel is wonderfull for dealing with bruises and welts.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 9

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/17/2006 8:44:04 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

MHOO, being how we're in the same state.. you know as well as I...

They're some IDIOTS around here....because all though you're attitude, confidence and verbally stating no abuse is taking place... they love to send those NO KIDS, 10-15 years younger Know _Every_Damn_Thing there is to know about kids and raising kids.. to the home to make sure the kids are not even witnessing this.

I know too many times in the past, my lifestyle, they've tried to use against me when they're been informed. They questioned my youngins about my sex life. Have they ever seen me doing anything...... how many boyfriends does mommy have... have you woke up and seen someone on moms bed at all... etc... shit that's totally no ones damn business. But around these part... they try to make it theirs. IN the 10 years i've been a single mother... mine have never seen a man in this house after bedtime..... nor when they awoke in the middle of the night... or next morning. So there was nothing to tell... which being a single mother... they right away assumed kids was lying.. covering up for mom. Though they know Master, he doesn't live with us... and he doesn't stay the night when they're home either.. if they're off staying night with friends.. family.. he might.

Oh and Mistress Fire... if Dr continues to see mysterious bruises on adults even.. they're required in SOME states to report possible abuse.. if it's known... little ones are living in the house. In case the abuse that they suspects.. goes further than the adult they're examining.

My Dr is aware of my sexual activities... and being a firm Southern Preacher... let alone a doctor as well.... I get lectures from both sides... and cautioned of the dangers involving the fact that should the wrong person see marks, bruises, etc... is my sexual preferances worth the battle and heart aches... the damn state can cause... all in the name.. of "Protection"

Now not all stated are like this.. nor is all Doctors.. these are just experinaces I've personally had... and know others in real life D/s relationships.. that have gone through that I've witness personally. All we can do.. is cross fingers.. and hope our word is good enough.. to stop the BS from flying past the Dr's visual of bruises and marks.

< Message edited by truesub4u -- 2/17/2006 8:46:01 PM >

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to MHOO314)

Post #: 10

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/17/2006 8:48:51 PM

perfection20005

Posts: 419
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline

You just have to deal with things like this as they come up. I know I have had many bruises on my inner thighs and I told my doctor up front that they were consensual. Don't offer a long story, just keep it short and to the point.

_____________________________

perfection

"I took one look at Him, and I knew He was my Master."

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 11

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/18/2006 12:13:07 AM

slave4Darby3d

Posts: 106
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

My primary care doctor noticed a couple of bruises one day. He is oblicated by the state to ask "are you living in a safe environment". Which I responded "yes". I went further and told him that I have a "consensual lifestyle". I asked him if he wanted to know more - so that he would be comfortable and within the law. He declined. Said that was all he needed to know. But told me that if it ever wasn't that I should let him know. Which, of course, I said I would.

That's how I handle it.

I also have a handwritten letter stating the same thing - and exactly WHOM that relationship is with and that they are the ONLY one I consent to in this manner. A copy of it is with a trusted friend (who also holds my medical power of attorney), in case something happens to me and I am unable to explain for myself. That is to protect my Master.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 12

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/19/2006 7:42:28 PM

classykindasassy

Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline

For me there is nothing to say unless asked, and if asked I'd say "the marks came from mutually consentual play". That's all anyone needs to know unless they get turned on by the idea of kink and want to know how to try it!

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to slave4Darby3d)

Post #: 13

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/19/2006 7:51:14 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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i was asked only once, in a rather rude way. i replied, "The sex was hot last night."

We moved on...

(in reply to classykindasassy)

Post #: 14

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/19/2006 9:45:09 PM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

It seems reasonable that healthcare professional will ask these questions, even to the point of prying. Quite a few people slip through the cracks, so perhaps medical people need to pry more, rather than less.

Then again, I live in the fifth largest city in the United States and it usually takes me two weeks to get an appointment for a non emergency visit with my doctor. Knowing I have an appointment date, I can probably manage to show up without battle damage.

Therapists are actually more dangerous. They will see you next day, golf game willing, and they ask all those annoying questions.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 15

RE: Feeling worried please respond - 2/19/2006 9:47:27 PM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
Status: offline

quote:

How do you deal with this, or plan to deal with it if and when it comes up?

I think couples (Hetro or Homo) have this worry whether you're involved in WIITWD or not.

At one time I was having problems with vertigo. I turned around quickly to go up my stairs and got suddenly really dizzy and fell face first into a railing barrier between the downstair and upstair doors. I smacked my eye socket so bad that I was knocked out for a few seconds. Now before this I have never had a black eye before in my life, but this one swelled to the size of a half baseball and quickly turned black/purple. I called a friend who insisted she take me to the ER when she saw me.

Needless to say they were Very Concerned at the ER. I told them what had happened, but they still had a social worker come in and talk to me, she wanted to know if there was a "Man" beating me, first I repeated what had happened and let her know I was lesbian and she still wondered if my girlfriend had knocked me in the eye. It took me a while to kind of convince them that I was telling the truth, but it took my lover at the time, to come and pick me up and come in to talk to them personally until they felt comfortable letting me go.

Then exactly three weeks later when my eye is looking better maybe a bit of yellow left over and under my eye, I invited some friends over for a barbeque, the hose was left accross the lawn and I was walking at a good clip to run in the house and get something for the grill when my foot caught the hose and I flew like Wonder Woman face first into a tree. This time my nose swelled up, thought I had broke it! Scaped my cheek up and my top teeth broke into the back of my upper lip, so here I am off to the ER again this time with my lover.
This time I had a really hard time convincing them of what happened they even at one point separated myself and my partner and had a police officer come in and talk to me.
Which they did back off, because they found out my lover was a prominant defense attorney.

I have never(knock on wood) gone to the ER or Doc with marks from playing, that were really noticable anyway, and I try to avoid playing before any Doc visits.

It's sucks when things are consenual an/or innocent or an accident and you have to try and convince people. It is a law here in Minneapolis that these incidents must be investigated. I don't know if I was injured during play what the hell I would do, I think I would first try and make up a story, just to avoid any crap. If it didn't swing(no pun intended) I would probably tell the truth about consenually being involved in kinky sexual relationship, it would be hard though, because they would probably investagate that out of ignorance and screw with me anyway.

But I am not going to be terrified not to do what finds me and my Domina pleasure just out of fear of what "might" happen.

*Brightspot

_____________________________

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But..."May at Least One person have a sense of Humor!" ~KML.

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(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 16

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