RE: Advice for the Vanilla-ish partner?

RE: Advice for the Vanilla-ish partner? (Full Version)

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DavanKael -> RE: Advice for the Vanilla-ish partner? (7/13/2009 3:46:37 PM)
What Jeff said. :> KNelson, I really applaud you both working together to get both yours and your partner's needs met. :> Davan And, welcome! :>

KNelson -> RE: Advice for the Vanilla-ish partner? (7/14/2009 8:13:42 AM)
Des, Perhaps my OP was unclear. I have been reading for 6 years -- all manner of things, including the how-to's. It's not that she is being impatient. She waited before talking about this again because there were somethings she needed to sort out within herself. The opening conversation we had about it came as no surprise to me -- which is why I had continued to read and educate myself. We have messed around a little bit. But, given the dynamics of our married relationship, she can't get into the head space. That may be difficult for some folks to understand, but I do understand her reasoning and agree with it. And I'm not the domme in a BDSM way -- I'm the dominant partner in our relationship, true, but that's just a consequence of my personality and hers. If I wanted to be the domme I could press it, but I don't want in married partner someone who submits to me and is deferential to me all of the time. That just wouldn't work for me.

Smartguyswin -> RE: Advice for the Vanilla-ish partner? (7/14/2009 8:43:38 AM)
quote: And ah, don't know if it makes any difference but we are a lesbian couple. Many thanks, it just makes cooler. for what its worth; my girlfriend and I don't live the D/s lifestyle full time, but basically our sex is very much based around it. While i'm the dominant one in bed 99 times out of 100, and we create scenes and act out fantasies. But once we're done, the D/s thing is done too, until next time. It's not her personality to be submissive all the time. in contrast, she doesn't submit to a single thing outside of bed. Even as far as picking a place to eat dinner. Ok, so maybe she just has an attitude. While i COULD and might be thrilled with the idea of having a full time D/s relationship, it could never be with her due to the personality clash. i'm not all that dominant besides sex. i already HAVE to 'guide' her in life.. even with basic decisions and reminding her to do things constantly. i can be a aggressive, but i wouldn't say dominant. make your own choices and do what you want is my attitude. we're just too young, but if things work out (2 years deep in this) with her, I could see her becoming a full time sub as she gets older and more mature.

KNelson -> RE: Advice for the Vanilla-ish partner? (7/14/2009 9:08:31 AM)
Smartguy Well, in the bedroom is one thing. Outside of it is another. My partner has an extremely headstrong side, I love that about her. In addition she has an extremely submissive side which I don't know as well at least not in a D/s kind of way. In her life letting the submissive side out in a family dynamic has been unsafe and unwise. It's complicated, I guess, but goes back to having grown up in a pretty unsafe situation. Now she has a home where she is safe and while fear is a turn on for her and is part of her draw to the S/M part of it all, bringing fear home, specifically fear of me would not be healthy for her or for me, for that matter.

Smartguyswin -> RE: Advice for the Vanilla-ish partner? (7/14/2009 9:49:18 AM)
I am not into establishing fear as a turn-on. unless its the kind of fear you can smile about- such as being blindfolded and teased, unknowing to what lies ahead, tied up at the mercy of your Dom. but that means trust has to be built up indefinitely. trust that 1) that person won't intentionally hurt you (in a way you don't want i suppose), and 2) trust for the Dom that you won't be dragged out in handcuffs in a set up. but we are talking about established relationships here, so neither of these should be an issue.

KNelson -> RE: Advice for the Vanilla-ish partner? (7/14/2009 11:04:52 AM)
Yes and in this case I mean actual fear. She could never fear me as she knows me too well and knows that I would not hurt her. In D/s she knows a dominant would not intentionally hurt her, but they sometimes do blur hard lines.

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