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SlyStone -> RE: Why demonizing bad doms is bad (7/18/2009 6:00:38 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BossyShoeBitch
But the difference that the OP is trying to get across is MOTIVE. In particular those whose intentions are good, but makes mistakes, perhaps even to the point of injury while topping someone in a scene but instead of the bottom talking to them about those mistakes, they talk to everyone else they know EXCEPT the person who made the mistakes. If the top has no idea they fucked up, how does that help anyone?
He isn't talking about someone who is careless and who could care less about learning good topping skills!
I agree with what you are saying here, my issue is with the idea that this is a "community" issue and not a personal issue.
I think that people who actively go to dungeons and become part of local BDSM groups have a tendency to forget that the majority of people into wiitwd are not part of anything larger then the personal relationship(s) that they form, no different from any other, but in no way does that make them any less real or any less skilled.
I agree with you that motive is the key to understanding, and I agree that it is self defeating and there is no growth if people don't communicate when things go wrong, but it seems to me that is just simple common sense. The problem is, I think, that it is subjective and open to interpretation, and people lie about their motives all the time, both to others and to themselves, in order to get what they want. So anytime we accept the judgement of someone else who we do not know, concerning another person, be it good or bad, we do so at our own risk.
Earlier in the thread you said this:
To think I flew out to see you almost every month and let you do the most vile, perverted things to my body (and of course the peverted things you let me do to your body!)
And now that I've been informed by this helpful poster that you have little to offer, I'll have to figure out someway to undo all the immense personal growth I couldn't have achieved without your help.
Now I have no reason to doubt that what you say is true, but if I do accept what you say now, then it would follow that if you came here in a month and said he has now turned into a violent abuser, if I believed your praise now why would I not believe your damnation then, and which would be the truth? I don't know your motivation because I don't know you. And if we fear the possibility of demonizing the good then I guess we should also fear the possibility of mistakenly praising the bad.
I think the best advice is to make our own judgments, as adults, free of any prejudgments, because the reality is that in the end this is not about how you swing a whip or how many ways you can tie someone up, those things can be learned even once the relationship has started, it is simply about human interaction and who excites us and understands us, and we can only learn that ourselves through trial and error and by taking the calculated risks and sometimes leaps of faith that we all must do to find someone, be it a BDSM relationship, or for that matter, any relationship at all.
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