LotusSong
Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
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End of the year thank you.
I just want to thank all my friends and loved ones for the educational
emails over the past year...
Because of your warning I live in a zip-lock plastic bag with clean
oxygen piped in after passing through 18 filters which are replaced each
hour.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because
lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs
including feces.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor
of a public bathroom.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program .
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper sinc e the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have
their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my ass.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician..
Have a wonderful day.
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End of the year thank you - 
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