RE: Advice Needed for When Your Aging Parent(s) Are Stubborn, Ill, and Need Help

RE: Advice Needed for When Your Aging Parent(s) Are Stubborn, Ill, and Need Help (Full Version)

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bamabbwsub -> RE: Advice Needed for When Your Aging Parent(s) Are Stubborn, Ill, and Need Help (7/21/2009 4:24:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Rule Try to buy her a life and / or disability insurance on your name. If possible, you stand to gain a hefty profit. Rule, I have to say that that is one of the most disgusting bits of advice I've ever read on this board. I would NEVER try to profit from my mother's death.

bamabbwsub -> RE: Advice Needed for When Your Aging Parent(s) Are Stubborn, Ill, and Need Help (7/21/2009 4:29:51 PM)
quote: Bama, she can appoint both of you. Either both of you have to be there and agree or either of you, whoever is there, gets to make a decision. Obviously this will only work if you and your sister are in agreement, you don't want to be suing each other for making a decision. I wasn't aware of that, DesFIP. That would be the ideal situation, to keep her from having to choose one over the other. quote: I would like to suggest that you and your sister talk about it and come up with who would be best at that. In my family, my sister is a nurse. She would be the best one to do any kind of discussion with a doctor. In her absence, it's me because I worked in hospitals and have a general understanding of things. If it were about POAs, paying bills, etc. It would go to my other sister because she lives down the street and it would be much less burden for her. You can present these things to your mom as a figured out problem. "Mom, sis should be the POA because she has more time / she lives nearby / she knows your banker"... This is also good advice. My sister lives in the same city as my mom, so that would be a logical choice based on proximity. I'm the more level-headed of the two, though, and would respect my mother's wishes probably more than my sister would; my sister is more likely to make a decision based on her own emotions. But...maybe my sister could make emergency decisions, and when I got to town, we could make the decisions together from there. My sister and I get along pretty well, and we both have my mother's best interest at heart...we just go about it in different ways. :)

bamabbwsub -> RE: Advice Needed for When Your Aging Parent(s) Are Stubborn, Ill, and Need Help (7/21/2009 4:33:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: maybemaybenot I would suggest you go down to your local Council on Aging and inquire about Elders at Risk. There are many resources available to you and to Mom and they can put you in the right direction. Local Elder services generally has social workers who can assist you in beginning a conversation with your Mom. I would also suggest you have a frank heart to heart with her. Explain that Durable power of Attorney < for healthcarepurposes> and Health Care Proxies are ONLY in the event that she is unable to make decisions for herself. You are not trying to " take over " but be able to carry out her wishes, should she become unable. Re assure her that all decisions are hers to make, and that a health care proxy is simply appointing someone to carry out her wishes, not make changes to her wishes. Use her desire not to be recusitated as an example. tell her that unless she signs an advanced directive or appoints some one as Health Care Proxy, the MDs are legally bound to recusitate her, including any means of lifesupport they deem needed and that it will be difficult for you and your family to undo things should she fall into that situation. Here is a link to the Forms for Alabama, show it to her, have her read it. Usually once the elderly see it and realize that it is simply saying what the MDs can and cannot do, they are fine with it. It's just a foriegn concept to them. http://www.finance.cch.com/tools/downloads/alabamaadvdirective.pdf That's a great idea, and thank you for the resource. She lives in Tennessee, but I'm sure I can find an advanced directive for Tennessee as well. Thanks!

scarlethiney -> RE: Advice Needed for When Your Aging Parent(s) Are Stubborn, Ill, and Need Help (7/21/2009 8:10:00 PM)
My mother is 75 and has emphysema and is still smoking. She will not quit. She also has, my sister says, the beginning of dementia and often forgets if she has taken her medication. Two of my sisters live near her and take turns checking on her, making sure she has what she needs. She still works part-time and drives herself around. She is VERY stubborn. We have tried everything we can think of to get her to stop smoking to no avail. She simply isn't going to quit nor is she going to do anything she decides on a daily basis she does not want to do. I honestly think her dementia is much worse than my sisters realize. When I call her weekly she does not remember milestones about her grandchildren that she was present for. Does not remember things we dicussed days before. Sometimes she seems very lucid and other times it is as though I am talking to a stranger. It is sad and frustrating. I miss the person who use to be my mother. My sisters do speak routinely with her doctors about things they notice or are concerned about and update the doctor at each visit. At some point in home care for her will be necessary whether she moves in with one of us or we all take turns being caregiver or contribute to a care giver. You should do your best to be as prepared as you can be for any eventuality. Good luck.

DesFIP -> RE: Advice Needed for When Your Aging Parent(s) Are Stubborn, Ill, and Need Help (7/21/2009 10:14:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bamabbwsub quote: ORIGINAL: Rule Try to buy her a life and / or disability insurance on your name. If possible, you stand to gain a hefty profit. Rule, I have to say that that is one of the most disgusting bits of advice I've ever read on this board. I would NEVER try to profit from my mother's death. It's also unrealistic. Buying a policy on someone in that condition, and of that age could easily cost upwards of $60,000 a year. But anyone who has life insurance knows their loved ones will only profit at their death.

pahunkboy -> RE: Advice Needed for When Your Aging Parent(s) Are Stubborn, Ill, and Need Help (7/22/2009 7:44:06 AM)
I am sorry if I sounded simplistic. Last night my EX called. His sister wants to put his mom into a home. Now this lady is -- I known her for 30 years- that is the WORST thing they can do for her! The sister is a few states away. Abit of a greedy woman. "sell that house". Yeah right. One can not know by a phone call how a person is doing. Even if you call 3 times a day. The best way is to see in person- and maybe by surprise. But putting someone in a home that need a little help is not the right thing. A home is for someone that can not function. Not to any real extent. Hmm. That gives me an idea. The 200K that home would sell for, would afford a nice cruise around the world. wouldnt it? Then on return she could live with my EX. Knowing that lady as I do- a home is the WORST place for her. Knowing her past. She was always the 'rescuer" of the family. It pisses me off that the out of state daughter wants that house sold!!!!!

purepleasure -> RE: Advice Needed for When Your Aging Parent(s) Are Stubborn, Ill, and Need Help (7/22/2009 8:13:52 AM)
pahunk, as much as it bothers you, it's really the family's decision. there may be much more to the woman's condition than you know.

DesFIP -> RE: Advice Needed for When Your Aging Parent(s) Are Stubborn, Ill, and Need Help (7/22/2009 8:20:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: pahunkboy I am sorry if I sounded simplistic. Last night my EX called. His sister wants to put his mom into a home. Now this lady is -- I known her for 30 years- that is the WORST thing they can do for her! The sister is a few states away. Abit of a greedy woman. "sell that house". Yeah right. One can not know by a phone call how a person is doing. Even if you call 3 times a day. The best way is to see in person- and maybe by surprise. But putting someone in a home that need a little help is not the right thing. A home is for someone that can not function. Not to any real extent. Hmm. That gives me an idea. The 200K that home would sell for, would afford a nice cruise around the world. wouldnt it? Then on return she could live with my EX. Knowing that lady as I do- a home is the WORST place for her. Knowing her past. She was always the 'rescuer" of the family. It pisses me off that the out of state daughter wants that house sold!!!!! When was the last time you spent hours with her, days even. Because what she used to be and what she is now may be very different things. If she's still driving but can't remember where she's going or where she lives, she needs to be stopped. If she wanders outside and doesn't remember where she lives, she needs to be kept safe. If she starts to cook, forgets there is a pot down and causes a fire, she can't be alone. Even people who live with an Alzheimer patient can't keep them fully safe. You go to the bathroom, you have to go to the store, you have to go to work. Anytime you walk out the door, or walk into another room, there is the chance they will wander off. And in winter that means they freeze to death, in summer the risk is more from being hit by a car. Assisted living, or a dementia unit means they cannot wander off, they can't burn the house down, they can't stop taking their medicine or forget and take it three times which is equally dangerous. Besides, your ex isn't volunteering to take her in. Probably because she is too difficult to handle 24/7.

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