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trickalt -> New Dom (7/20/2009 11:55:38 AM)

I'm a new dom. I've known for a while that I'm dominant, but recently came to the conclusion that I am a dom at heart. I just started dating a submissive, but I wouldn't yet say that I am her dom. She will be my first sub. I am taking this very seriously and I would like to know any all books, articles, online resources, etc. that I can access to grow as a dom.

Clearly nothing can substitute direct mentorship, and I'm looking for one in my community, but in absence of that, any suggestions y'all might give me woudl be greatly appreciated.



pureDom78 -> RE: New Dom (7/20/2009 12:12:25 PM)

I understand where you are coming from. My sub and I started out vanilla and I wasn't even aware that this lifestyle excisted. She however awakened me to just how dominate I am. I learned a lot from her prior to claiming now that I have I too am seeking a mentor. I have found a lot of information combing through these forums. My advice to you is learn the protocols then claim her the rest you can learn along the way. Just try to start out simple so that you don't hurt her......and corner time is very effective [:D]



mnottertail -> RE: New Dom (7/20/2009 12:14:41 PM)

look for MasterFireMaam on this site, as well as John Warren, ask them to buy a copy of their books, you can slosh around in those two books for quite a long time.

Ron



SirMIkeSD -> RE: New Dom (7/20/2009 12:31:29 PM)

Do a search on these forums this has been a well repeated topic over and over with lots of advice and reference. The search function is your friend.

Mike



DesFIP -> RE: New Dom (7/20/2009 12:39:55 PM)

Erotic Bondage
S & M 101
Screw the roses,
The Loving Dominant
The Topping Book
The Bottoming Book

But basically if you want to be in charge, you need to think things out and keep your word. If you demand stuff that she can't do or stuff that is contradictory - like stay up all night chatting to me and no below a 95% in your exam when obviously she can't study, be rested and talk to you all at the same time, she will not trust your decision making process.

Punishment comes last, teaching comes first. If he wanted me to change the oil in the car he would have to first show me how, and be willing to talk me through it until I could do it. But ordering me to do it when I don't know how would never work. He could beat me as much as his arm could stand and it wouldn't change the fact that I have no idea how to do this. And teaching comes at her ability to learn. He showed my son how to change the oil and the kid got it on the first try, if it took me three times to learn then that's what he would have to do.

Don't set her up to fail so you have an excuse to 'punish' her. Either just say you feel like hurting her or make it clear it's a game "You didn't buy the winning lottery ticket so it's clamps time for you".

And keep reading. More importantly keep talking to her and listening when she talks to you.



Focus50 -> RE: New Dom (7/21/2009 4:43:35 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: trickalt

I'm a new dom. I've known for a while that I'm dominant, but recently came to the conclusion that I am a dom at heart. I just started dating a submissive, but I wouldn't yet say that I am her dom. She will be my first sub. I am taking this very seriously and I would like to know any all books, articles, online resources, etc. that I can access to grow as a dom.

Clearly nothing can substitute direct mentorship, and I'm looking for one in my community, but in absence of that, any suggestions y'all might give me woudl be greatly appreciated.

The best D/s resource you'll ever get is the one you (and most new doms) will likely deliberately exclude - your submissive.

It doesn't matter if she's a first day newbie herself and you've got a decade of dom experience, you simply can't think and rationalise as only a sub (and female, too) can. I suspect your temptation will be to learn all you can without her so you can "impress" her with your skill and knowledge etc - and inevitably wind up looking like a goose at some stage.

You're new (as we all once were) and that's what you be honest and upfront about. She'll likely understand that and then you can impress her with your cautious work ethic and due dilligance as you try new things gradually and *together*.

Focus.



SteelofUtah -> RE: New Dom (7/21/2009 9:49:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


The best D/s resource you'll ever get is the one you (and most new doms) will likely deliberately exclude - your submissive.

Focus.


BING - FUCKING - GO!!!!!!

So many people seem to forget that THEY know EXACTLY what they want and usually are more than willing to TELL you what interests them.

I think the OTHER half of the equiasion is where people should go first in most all cases.

Steel



trickalt -> RE: New Dom (7/21/2009 9:58:37 AM)

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone that's posted so far. Feel free to keep it coming.

I did know that the sub I'm dating is the best resource, and I want to thank Focus50 for suggestion to not attempt to "impress" her. As with anything in life when you try too hard, you inevitably end up looking less than your best.

Puredom78 suggested I learn the protocols. I am not very familar with them. What little chance I've had to research them suggested that they are different in every D/s relationship.

At any rate, I'm not confused, just diligently learning. Thanks to all.



crouchingtigress -> RE: New Dom (7/21/2009 10:13:08 AM)

Has anyone mentioned your local community? sooooo much fun and sooooo much info and a great way to get your Dom on.....



GreedyTop -> RE: New Dom (7/21/2009 11:25:57 AM)

~FR~

I'm liking the OP.. he's smart enough to know what he doesnt know.  KUDOS!! 



RexLongBeach -> RE: New Dom (7/21/2009 12:56:58 PM)

I'd add to some of the advice above: spend some time reflecting on what feels right to you. There are many proponents of the various styles and techniques.

There is no "one true way." There's only what works for you and your partner.

Unless, of course, you're both into Barry Manilow. Then, feel free to beat each other senseless (because you won't notice the difference).

Have a nice day.

Rex



Comrade -> RE: New Dom (7/21/2009 1:17:28 PM)

Keep in mind that not all Doms and Masters are the same.  Each text you read will be written by a different one.  Do not follow directly any texts you read that do not appeal to you.  Many of the best Dommes I have encountered in my day, as well as myself, simply learned from trial and error.  You can't be afraid to try something new that you've not even read about.  At some point, this is how everything was discovered.  My advice is to trust your desires, and experiment.  Texts are merely an aid or suggestion.



leadership527 -> RE: New Dom (7/21/2009 6:24:45 PM)

you're going to get a LOT better answers if you clarify what you mean by "dom". When you say this, are you talking about bedroom slap & tickle? Or, perhaps, in your mind do you wish to control your girl outside the bedroom? If so, what exactly are you planning on doing with her? Or perhaps do you want to own her completely? Again, the questions.... if you won the slavegirl lottery and one was delivered to your doorstep tomorrow, what exactly would you do with an entire human being?



KneelforAnne -> RE: New Dom (7/21/2009 7:17:59 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

.... if you won the slavegirl lottery and one was delivered to your doorstep tomorrow, what exactly would you do with an entire human being?




I love this question!



HollywoodExecDom -> RE: New Dom (7/27/2009 7:54:26 PM)

A lot of really good advice said so far...

I will merely add to the comments I've read.

First, you can do just fine learning entirely from books... Don't think for a second that you NEED to apprentice to learn something, save for maybe very advance shibari - and CPR, but that's not really apprenticing. (and you can still take part in BDSM without CPR, just you're limited in what you can do safely)

That said, most every skill you can teach yourself - but Focus is completely correct, at some level you need to include your submissive in the equation - if at bear minimum so you learn her likes, dislikes, etc.

One question I particularly ask is "What is your biggest fear? What are your phobias? What turns you on? Tell me your reoccurring sexual fantasies? What was your last 3 sexual dreams? " This is where you pull your source material for scenes.

The books, the studying up does have a purpose - increasing your confidence. Confidence is the most dominant quality.

That said, for your first couple scenes - have them planned out well. Include your sub in the process, but be willing to surprise her a bit.

One trick for first time scening is to use a blindfold liberally. That way, they won't see nervous moments. And whenever you're a bit flustered or something isn't working - you can tell your blindfolded sub to "Kneel and when I come back, you're going to have a surprise." You now have bought yourself 5 minutes to go over your notes, recompose yourself, find the new batteries for the toy that you thought was good to go, etc. etc. Just so long as you come back with something, you're fine and you've given your sub a total head trip as they wait seemingly forever trying to guess what's next.

Finally, as for punishment - if you've ever trained a dog or any pets, the same principles apply -- the core principle being the idea of Operant and Classical conditioning. You reward good behavior, punish bad behavior. Incentivize behaviors you want your sub to do, disincentivize behaviors you don't want your sub to do. So don't ever punish your sub with things either they associate positively with or that you want them to have positive associations with.



RedMagic1 -> RE: New Dom (7/27/2009 8:06:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: trickalt
Puredom78 suggested I learn the protocols. I am not very familar with them. What little chance I've had to research them suggested that they are different in every D/s relationship.

Yes.  There are no "Protocols," capital-P.  It might be helpful to examine how others live, but ultimately the two of you need to construct something that works best for you both.



leadership527 -> RE: New Dom (7/27/2009 9:04:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
The best D/s resource you'll ever get is the one you (and most new doms) will likely deliberately exclude - your submissive.

My life got SOOOOO much simpler when I figured this out.



JanMikal -> RE: New Dom (7/27/2009 11:56:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: trickalt

I'm a new dom. I've known for a while that I'm dominant, but recently came to the conclusion that I am a dom at heart. I just started dating a submissive, but I wouldn't yet say that I am her dom. She will be my first sub. I am taking this very seriously and I would like to know any all books, articles, online resources, etc. that I can access to grow as a dom.

Clearly nothing can substitute direct mentorship, and I'm looking for one in my community, but in absence of that, any suggestions y'all might give me woudl be greatly appreciated.

The best D/s resource you'll ever get is the one you (and most new doms) will likely deliberately exclude - your submissive.

It doesn't matter if she's a first day newbie herself and you've got a decade of dom experience, you simply can't think and rationalise as only a sub (and female, too) can. I suspect your temptation will be to learn all you can without her so you can "impress" her with your skill and knowledge etc - and inevitably wind up looking like a goose at some stage.

You're new (as we all once were) and that's what you be honest and upfront about. She'll likely understand that and then you can impress her with your cautious work ethic and due dilligance as you try new things gradually and *together*.

Focus.


EXCELLENT advice.

The first thing you have to remember, no matter HOW good the books and resources you find are (and there are some REALLY good ones out there), none of them were written with YOUR subbe in mind. The authors don't know her, have never met her, and wouldn't know her if they walked past her on the street. Number one rule:

Communicate.

The BDSM lifestyle, IMNSO, is ALL about trust. You have to learn what makes her tick, what she likes, dislikes needs and refuses to do. And you need to express to her in NO uncertain terms the same about yourself. Only then can you move forward with the base of trust that is absolutely essential for this sort of relationship and lifestyle.

You WILL screw up, you WILL look like a goose, and you WILL make her unhappy at some points, just as she will do with you. How you handle, resolve, and learn from the situation is what matters most. Just like any other relationship. Talk it out. Don't assume that she can read your mind and KNOW what you want from her. And let her know the same, that if she has questions, uncertainties, to just ASK.

Good luck, Brother.



ranja -> RE: New Dom (7/28/2009 4:20:04 AM)

It is great to take things seriously, seriously, but one should never take this whole thing or themselves too seriously... don't forget to have fun... laughing together is oh so sexy too.



aldompdx -> RE: New Dom (7/28/2009 12:20:06 PM)

It is not a question of how to act, but how to be. As Plato quoted Socrates, "First know thyself." As you have been discovering, you already know what you want to learn. Control is first over one's self. Self mastery and self respect inspire such confidence in others.



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