A few questions

A few questions (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Gromgor -> A few questions (7/20/2009 2:37:11 PM)
First, let me say that I have recently joined this site and I've recently begun really trying to get into the lifestyle. I have no subs, I have never been a sub.I am new in so many ways. I'm not ignorant to it however. I have done the reading. I have thought about it and it's effect on my life. I've concluded that this is something I wish to pursue at the expense of other, more vanilla choices. Being new however I am unaware of the etiquette. I do not know how to really find those others near me who are also interested. I would like some guidance so I don't fail. I know mistakes will be made. I would like to limit those. It is my belief that the purpose of the Dom is to provide the lifestyle stimulation the sub requires. I am looking for guidance in how to be a positive, strong Dom/Master. I have a leaning towards the Gorean philosophies, yet I think there should be flexibility in approach to better provide the proper experience for the sub. What is an effective method of meeting someone else interested? Especially a potential sub. What is the proper etiquette in approaching them? What are good things to discuss beforehand to ensure that your arrangement will be a positive one for the both of you? What other advice would you offer me?

Aylee -> RE: A few questions (7/20/2009 3:12:52 PM)
Find a munch in your area and go.

Musicmystery -> RE: A few questions (7/20/2009 3:27:48 PM)
Hello Gromgor, Goreans are rather spread out, and finding one near you may well prove difficult. Even if there is one, of course, she may not be to your liking. So that leaves the Internet and a girl willing to relocate, along with the difficulties of starting something long distance. Goreans tend to want to know a person over time first, so participation in discussions in the various groups where Goreans gather is a start. Be patient. Or, get to know submissive/slave women, talk to them, and convince them to follow your choices. Munches are going to bring you squarely into BDSM communities, where Gor is often not so highly valued. You may, however, find the stray Gorean here and there. Be patient, and look in multiple places. In the meantime, enjoy making friends! I wish you well.

Gromgor -> RE: A few questions (7/20/2009 3:35:24 PM)
Thank you for the responses. My real question though is "Where do I learn about these Munches and how do I get an invite?"

Musicmystery -> RE: A few questions (7/20/2009 3:38:17 PM)
Well, let people know you live in the Goldsboro, NC area and are looking for local groups. Join them and go to their munches. Generally these are Yahoo groups--perhaps take a look there too. Maybe a post and a read of the Upcoming Events forum? Good luck!

peppermint -> RE: A few questions (7/20/2009 5:51:02 PM)
Follow the link to find organizations and munches in North Carolina. http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgsnorth.html

peppermint -> RE: A few questions (7/20/2009 5:58:03 PM)
If you read the various forums here you will find some recent threads on how to and how not to approach a submissive. It is very much like vanilla dating. You find someone who interests you. You talk and get to know each other. You compare lifetyle goals and needs. If all seems to match up favorably you might eventually make the transition from boyfriend/girlffriend to Master/slave or Dominant/submissive.

soul2share -> RE: A few questions (7/20/2009 8:47:01 PM)
Peppermint has given you the BEST advice so far about meeting subs......look, it's not any different than meeting someone vanilla, ok????? BDSM'ers aren't a different type of person just because of what we do in relationships! If you can't be vanilla in your BDSM relationship, then you probably aren't going to hit it off once you add the aspects of BDSM. And to learn, hang out here.....I lurked on the boards for almost a year before I became really active in them. And don't be upset if you post, and things get snarky.....you are dealing with folks from all walks of life, and some of us here have severely WARPED senses of humor, we tend to call a spade a spade, or an idiot an idiot......you ARE going to get your feelings hurt, whether that is the intention or not. Try the search feature before posting something, chances are, it's been addressed before. If you post a fat thread, or the what the difference is between sub, slave, master and dom....look out! But don't be afraid to ask questions! [:D] There are great folks here.....you'll learn who over time. They are all pretty willing to answer questions, at least that's the vibe I've gotten. As far as approaching subs, first and foremost....READ THEIR PROFILES!!!!!!! THE WHOLE PROFILE!!!!!!! Nothing will turn anyone off more than getting an e-mail from someone who obviously hasn't done the above. We put them here for a reason...duh! Take time to actually write something to interest the sub.....one liners are a no-no. Again, this isn't any different from trying to approach any other woman. Or guy...I haven't checked out your profile....but hey, I'm not sending an e-mail, right? Good luck......it's not going to happen overnight.....be patient.

leadership527 -> RE: A few questions (7/21/2009 6:17:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gromgor First, let me say that I have recently joined this site and I've recently begun really trying to get into the lifestyle. I have no subs, I have never been a sub.I am new in so many ways. I'm not ignorant to it however. I have done the reading. I have thought about it and it's effect on my life. I've concluded that this is something I wish to pursue at the expense of other, more vanilla choices. Great! Self exploration keeps us from stagnating. quote: ORIGINAL: Gromgor Being new however I am unaware of the etiquette. I do not know how to really find those others near me who are also interested. I would like some guidance so I don't fail. I know mistakes will be made. I would like to limit those. There is no etiquette across the boards beyond whatever standard rules of courtesty exist in your area. Yeah, you'll make mistakes... it's part of the price of being the dom. quote: ORIGINAL: Gromgor It is my belief that the purpose of the Dom is to provide the lifestyle stimulation the sub requires. For the record, while this is undoubtedly true for what I would call a "bottom", for Carol & I that is not my function. Carol wants/needs a dominant personality in her life to complement her own skills & abilities as a submissive. This has nothing to do with "lifestyle" crap. It's just two people trying to organize a marriage as best they can. My purpose, for Carol, is to be the center of her world -- just as she is mine. quote: ORIGINAL: Gromgor I am looking for guidance in how to be a positive, strong Dom/Master. I have a leaning towards the Gorean philosophies, yet I think there should be flexibility in approach to better provide the proper experience for the sub. To my knowledge, the gorean philosophy really has nothing whatsoever to say about how to be a strong dom/master other than the oblique angle of "be yourself". However, for any leader of any stripe whatsoever, flexibility is a HUGE asset enabling you to lead much more effectively over a much more diverse group of people. If you're on the gorean pat at all though, then I'm going to assume what you are talking about is something more than some sexual slap & tickle. If that's right, then the trick to being a good leader is to ... well... lead. Assume you found a slave today. What would you do? If the answer is "nothing" then you don't really want a slave, you want the idea of a slave. If, on the other hand, you have specific thoughts/visions/plans/goals, then if you are good at both the goal setting and the motivational part, people will line up to follow you. quote: ORIGINAL: Gromgor What other advice would you offer me? Go to a munch or several.

Gromgor -> RE: A few questions (7/31/2009 10:17:43 AM)
You guys (and I mean that in the universal encompassing of all human species) are awesome.

IrishMist -> RE: A few questions (7/31/2009 10:30:56 AM)
quote: What is an effective method of meeting someone else interested? Especially a potential sub. What is the proper etiquette in approaching them? What are good things to discuss beforehand to ensure that your arrangement will be a positive one for the both of you? Munches, clubs, groups...etc etc There is no proper etiquette except for what you come up with yourself. Things to discuss beforehand? How about likes, dislikes, wants, needs, ...you know...basic relationship stuff [:)]

DesFIP -> RE: A few questions (7/31/2009 4:23:52 PM)
Date anyone you feel attracted to and be honest about what you are looking for; sexually and otherwise. "I prefer a relationship where the man leads and the woman follows". That won't make anyone run away from you and if they aren't interested you'll find out on the first date.

LotusSong -> RE: A few questions (7/31/2009 8:10:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gromgor First, let me say that I have recently joined this site and I've recently begun really trying to get into the lifestyle. I have no subs, I have never been a sub.I am new in so many ways. I'm not ignorant to it however. I have done the reading. I have thought about it and it's effect on my life. I've concluded that this is something I wish to pursue at the expense of other, more vanilla choices. Being new however I am unaware of the etiquette. I do not know how to really find those others near me who are also interested. I would like some guidance so I don't fail. I know mistakes will be made. I would like to limit those. It is my belief that the purpose of the Dom is to provide the lifestyle stimulation the sub requires. I am looking for guidance in how to be a positive, strong Dom/Master. I have a leaning towards the Gorean philosophies, yet I think there should be flexibility in approach to better provide the proper experience for the sub. What is an effective method of meeting someone else interested? Especially a potential sub. What is the proper etiquette in approaching them? What are good things to discuss beforehand to ensure that your arrangement will be a positive one for the both of you? What other advice would you offer me? What men did you admire in your life? Learn from their example. This "lifestyle" s really no different than anything else. When all is said and done.. it is all about a relationship.

NihilusZero -> RE: A few questions (7/31/2009 11:56:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gromgor I am looking for guidance in how to be a positive, strong Dom/Master. The tricky part here is, although everyone's philosophies can be at least somewhat fluid over time, you have to develop a keen sense of the foundations of yours. There is no path to Domdom or Masterdom aside from introspection and running into the epiphanies of self-awareness (unless you're mostly interested in just getting a sub/slave as quickly as possible). You then use the solidity of your own understanding of what you value and what you seek to present it to others and hope for an s-type who specifically seeks those traits. As far as the avenues you go about using to find them? I'd say use as many as reasonably possible depending on how aggressive you want your search to be.

BlackHatter -> RE: A few questions (8/1/2009 1:31:52 PM)
Why is it? That the only lifestyle that has munchies.is this lifestyle. I find them a total bore. I do not like hearing about the latest sports team or how many cakes someone has baked. If I want to hear all that crap I'll just listen more closely at work. I use to own a BDSM house in San Fran California. We made sure the new subs were introduced to the Dom/mes.Any and all questions were answered. Munchies should be the same way. New to any group should be treated with care and respect, Not just this is Ray. and then off to talking about the other every day crap we have to endure at a munch. At the BDSM house only on topic conversation was allowed.You were to leave the everyday world outside..

SoulPiercer -> RE: A few questions (8/1/2009 1:46:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlackHatter Why is it? That the only lifestyle that has munchies.is this lifestyle. I find them a total bore. I do not like hearing about the latest sports team or how many cakes someone has baked. If I want to hear all that crap I'll just listen more closely at work. This isn't the only "lifestyle" that has "munches". People who knit, people who quilt, people who collect baseball cards, people who share any number of common interests have been getting together for centuries, they just may have a different name for it. If you're not interested in getting together with other people who are into BDSM, stay home. Who knows, you may find it easier to meet interesting people right there in your basement.

ThatDaveGuy69 -> RE: A few questions (8/1/2009 1:49:29 PM)
BH: Are you sure you're going to BDSM munches and not cooking class? Or a 420-friendly group of stoners? The munches I've been to have all been social gatherings. And people will tend to talk about whatever is the current topic. The difference between the munches I've been to and my Thursday night stained glass goup is that we have yet to discuss anything even remolely related to BDSM while working on glass. Which brings me to another point worth making: lots of other lifestyles have munches. They just don't call them that. Most churches have some sort of regular social event that involves food. My stained glass group gets together for pizza & beer once in a while. There's a local car club that gets together every Tuesday evening and there's always a grill going. And in all these cases, the conversation is rarely focused on the reason for the group. Go figure. ~Dave

Lostkitten3 -> RE: A few questions (8/1/2009 1:52:27 PM)
The only munch I went to, was very friendly, and all us sub ladies went into the bathroom and compared bruises, because we like the pretty colors and wear them as badges of honor. WE were all giggly and silly until a Domme walked in. Poor dear, I am sure she felt we were "keeping something from her" but really, we were all just not sure if we'd "get in trouble" or not!!! Appologies Mistress! Even though it was 5 years ago!

peachgirl -> RE: A few questions (8/1/2009 5:50:01 PM)
my favorite bit of advice for newbies is, read "The Loving Dominant". as far as meeting people, getting involved in a club is a good way. go to their orientation, start meeting people, and maybe not limit yourself to finding a sub, but more to finding friends.

Page: [1]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.9091797