The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure

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The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure - 7/22/2009 6:22:03 AM

OttersSwim

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I can take some pain...but I would not ever be mistaken for a painslut or a "heavy bottom".

So let me create a scenario for you. You are in a public scene. Your dominant has selected a cross and you have just been put up on it, the blindfold is put in place. Before the blindfold goes down, you see another group come into the next bay/playspace a few feet away.

Your play begins...so does theirs...and several others nearby perhaps are already going.

As you settle in, thoughts start going through your head as the sounds around you ramp up and your own play is ramping a bit too.

"That sounded like a really hard hit over there"...."Man, they are beating that guy to death!"

You try to settle yourself into your "bubble" with your Dominant and focus on your play, your sensation....

Now the sub in the next bay begins moaning as his dominant starts hitting him with something that is VERY loud and fast. You begin to get distracted again...thinking that sounds like pretty heavy play and wondering if your dominant is wishing they could hit you that way...

A few more minutes and his moans turn into howls and shrieks and you are broken completely out of your own headspace...a sensitive Dominant will see/feel this and pull you down...mine did.

This was me on Saturday night at Thunder. We continued to play once my Lady pulled me off the cross and we talked a little...and the shrieking died down. I definately felt like a total wimp in comparison to what was going on around me. That shrieking sub had distracted Her too. Honestly, put a ball gag on that guy...

I wanted to be able to take more for Her, felt pretty sincere pressure to do so as by Saturday, many of the subs were running around with bruises and whip marks and piercings and stuff proudly on display...I barely had a mark on me.

Some things we discussed and I wanted to get others take on.

#1 - Your reactions are what turns your Dominant on. If you are together, that likely means that however you react, however much sensation you can take is attractive, and usually very fulfilling, to your Dominant.

#2 - In public BDSM settings, you can definately feel a lot of pressure to "live up" to some concept of "a good submissive/bottom" by seeing others and their marks on display and you can get that feeling of "that should be me too" and feel a lot of pressure to "perform" to some level that may be completely out of scope for where you are at that time in your development.

#3 - In public play, it is completely possible to be distracted by the noises and energies of others around you. This does not make you bad. Are there standards of "Dungeon Etiquette" that should be given consideration? Should they have put a ball gag on that guy if he was clearly making so much noise, or is it just my bad luck that we set up and they came right next to us?

Welcome your thoughts, ideas, and experiences on this.

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 7/22/2009 6:23:25 AM >

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RE: The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure - 7/22/2009 6:49:15 AM

MsMillgrove

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1. Every domme has different needs and expectations. If the domme wants a heavy bottom to endure her best blows, she knows what to look for in a newer sub, which ones she can train to accept the level of pain she wishes to inflict. So even if a session does not produce the level of excitement she is looking for, she is proud of her sub's progress and confident that he will one day match her.

2. Public play rewards the exhibitionists. Those who prefer intimate activities, who are not comfortable standing about naked while everyone watches.. need to recognize it's ok. That the domme will fashion the scenes to her own liking and allow the both sub and domme to enjoy whatever level of play that is comfortable for them both.
Some subs will never go to intensely painful levels; it's not a game where the winners have the most marks and yell the loudest. Yes, that game is played, i'd by lying if I said I didn't see it all the time. Point it: you don't have to play that game, play your own game.

3. People like a good show, it's just a given in public play settings that the most dramatic scenes will draw attention. If you have the misfortune to be positioned next to the drama, then there's not much you can do about it. Maybe others will chime in, but I have not seen any dungeon monitors or other people ask those in a scene to tone down the volume. Public play--it includes the'public'--what can you do? Try to chose spots that are not in the main spotlight...wait til the hub bub dies down to start your scene.
Lot of little tricks to lay low in a dungeon--but still have lots of fun in the quieter spots.

You ask for personal experience: My own experience is that I am highly distractable. Public play makes me nervous because I fear I will lose concentration. I have my own methods to overcome these obstacles. I also feel rather embarassed that I have to trot out when certain activities occur in cbt... (sounding to be exact) .. because I have such a hard limit on it, that I cannot watch it. I had very bad personal experiences with it many years ago ...as a patient to an insane, sadistic urologist -- and the sight of that--cannot bear it. One of the most remarkable scenes I saw in a dungeon involved no toys. Only postures and words.. it rocked me.

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RE: The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure - 7/22/2009 9:13:00 AM

Missokyst

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The x used to be aroused by sounds of pain.. much like I do. If I hear a whip crack or a paddle hitting a bottom and some wimpering it is incredibly hot! I still have that reaction when I am at a party with my current partner who is more of a romantic top than a sadistic bas.. umm you know. My reaction is not limited by the knowlege that those sounds do not turn him on but my reaction to them does.

I never feel I need to live up to others standards. There are things I will not do simply because someone is the star of the show when they do them. I COULD yell and scream to make myself the star for enduring pain but I am more likely to be stoic.

I am often distracted by sounds if I am not playing. Sounds turn me on. But once I am playing the only sounds I hear are in my head, whether that is to think "don't kiss me" or "please hit me harder" or "ohhhhhhhhhhh god yes!" As far as dungeon etiquette goes the most I have really noticed is that blood play is private, no one wants to be splashed. Moaning, yelling, wimpering, or in my case giggling, is just something that happens in a public space. You get used to it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

#1 - Your reactions are what turns your Dominant on. If you are together, that likely means that however you react, however much sensation you can take is attractive, and usually very fulfilling, to your Dominant.

#2 - In public BDSM settings, you can definately feel a lot of pressure to "live up" to some concept of "a good submissive/bottom" by seeing others and their marks on display and you can get that feeling of "that should be me too" and feel a lot of pressure to "perform" to some level that may be completely out of scope for where you are at that time in your development.

#3 - In public play, it is completely possible to be distracted by the noises and energies of others around you. This does not make you bad. Are there standards of "Dungeon Etiquette" that should be given consideration? Should they have put a ball gag on that guy if he was clearly making so much noise, or is it just my bad luck that we set up and they came right next to us?

Welcome your thoughts, ideas, and experiences on this.

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RE: The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure - 7/22/2009 9:15:02 AM

DesFIP

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Tricky questions. The dominant next to you was getting off on the screams coming from that sub. Just as your domme gets off from your reactions.

No I don't think you have the right to interfere in how they play, better if you just say you're too distracted and you'll play later. Even better if you ask the hosts that next time they have one area set up where everybody is gagged to prevent this kind of distraction and another area set up for screamers. Or alternate quiet and loud times.

If you feel impelled to do stuff you can't do in order to impress other people you don't even know, then you aren't in shape to play. That's already a guarantee it won't go well. Play early before you can compare yourself to others or play later when stuff's beginning to die down might work better. And tell her you can't focus because of all of this before you start, she might have been able to do things that would have helped you focus only on her.

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RE: The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure - 7/22/2009 9:29:51 AM

Mercnbeth

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quote:

#1 - Your reactions are what turns your Dominant on. If you are together, that likely means that however you react, however much sensation you can take is attractive, and usually very fulfilling, to your Dominant.

or not. this slave is a canvas for the brush strokes of Master's desire...she takes as much as He desires, not as much as she "can".

quote:

#2 - In public BDSM settings, you can definately feel a lot of pressure to "live up" to some concept of "a good submissive/bottom" by seeing others and their marks on display and you can get that feeling of "that should be me too" and feel a lot of pressure to "perform" to some level that may be completely out of scope for where you are at that time in your development.

or not. you can definitely not give a rat's ass what other's concepts of a "good submissive/bottom" are or if you are living up to them or their level of markings. you could definitely be there for your partner and for you and not be concerned about anyone else's critique of your performance.

quote:

#3 - In public play, it is completely possible to be distracted by the noises and energies of others around you. This does not make you bad. Are there standards of "Dungeon Etiquette" that should be given consideration? Should they have put a ball gag on that guy if he was clearly making so much noise, or is it just my bad luck that we set up and they came right next to us?

it is also possible that there are folks who go for public venues who are very much turned on and enjoy hearing others shrieks, howls, moans, etc. as they are involved with their own scenario. it adds immensely to a positive experience---not distracts. it would be very disappointing to have noise restrictions added to the Dungeon Etiquette" at our favorite public venue...and bad luck for us for attending any event that required it.

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RE: The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure - 7/22/2009 10:46:08 AM

OttersSwim

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Thank you all for your thoughtful replies! While it is true that we should not judge or compare ourselves to others, it can be hard not to do - especially when you are in a new situation and wondering "is this the norm" and "is this what I am supposed to be doing too"?

I certainly don't want to stifle anyone's play, but did find the noise so close by highly distracting. Things to learn for the future I suppose - search for a quiet corner if possible.

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RE: The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure - 7/22/2009 11:04:26 AM

Missokyst

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You might try suggesting sensory deprivation. Use ear plugs and a mask to block out the world around you if you can.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

I certainly don't want to stifle anyone's play, but did find the noise so close by highly distracting. Things to learn for the future I suppose - search for a quiet corner if possible.

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RE: The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure - 7/22/2009 11:20:27 AM

heartfeltsub

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While i will admit i am an exhibitionist, and the noises (usually, the thunderous loud whip cracks can still distract me) don't usually distract me. What will distract me is people talking oddly enough. Not the shrieks and moans of pain, but people chatting in the play space instead of the social areas.

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RE: The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure - 7/22/2009 10:38:59 PM

LadyPact

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#1. You are correct. The things that were going on in your head Saturday night are the same as other bottoms (since we're discussing play) have expressed to Me that they have also thought. Keep in mind, a lot of the people that I was playing with before have seen Me play with clip. That can be one heck of a comparison. From the Top side, I can tell you that I don't ever think that I'd rather someone could go harder or take more. I want each experience to be the beauty that it is and not piss it away by wishing it was something else. Something to keep in mind.

#2. You might be feeling that way, but I'll bet your Lady isn't. Remember, that's who you're in the scene with, not everybody else.

#3. I would consider it bad luck. There are other contributing factors as well. There was a lot to take in at Thunder. That was probably already on your mind before the scene ever started. Being in that huge play space might have added to that, noise or not. Plus all of the excitement of the entire weekend, compounded with the peer pressure you thought was an issue, that can add to the distraction.

The hood that was mentioned is one suggestion. I've found that some people like earplugs or muffs if there is a potential issue.

I'm glad to hear that you and your Lady (My regards to her) have been talking about these things. It will help to prepare for next time.

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RE: The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure - 7/23/2009 4:44:06 AM

Roselaure

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Recently I played in public for the first time. It was a pretty crowded dungeon and there was a lot going on. We set up and began our scene, which I was really into. There was a scene going on just a few feet from us that was in my sight line. I young woman was being beaten very hard, she was moaning and squealing and trying to get away, and the Dom just kept subduing her and hitting her even harder. I found that rather than being distracted by the scene, I fed on the energy from it, pulling it into my headspace and making it work for me. I am definitely a voyeur, and an exhibitionist, and the scene I was watching is just the sort of thing that really turns me on, which is, I'm sure, a big part of the reason it worked so well. But I liked it and found the energy of the Dungeon to be exciting, if a bit noisy.

The one thing I did find to be a bit off putting was the young woman a few feet from me chattering about nothing to her friends. Now that was a distraction, but then I closed my eyes and imagined her flung over a spanking bench having a Singapore applied to her ass and it made me smile...hmmm...maybe I'm more sadistic than I give myself credit for?

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RE: The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure - 7/23/2009 5:10:41 AM

eyesopened

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See it's senarios like this that make me thankful my Master and I are completely in tune regarding public play. Neither of us are exhibitionists and do not need the energy of others to enhance our play.

I can totally see where one might feel peer pressure to take more but as Beth pointed out, it's not taking what we can, it's taking what our Dominant/Master/Top desires. Easier said than done I suppose in a public setting. I have never understood the need of other people to proudly display marks and bruises as though they are awards to make them better than others. Makes no sense to me since the mind-fuck can be the most difficult to endure and leaves no marks at all.

I have only been to one public play space (for a fund-raiser with no play going on) and they had private play rooms available. It gives people an opportunity to socialize with and observe others without having to be on display themselves. I don't know if Thunder has such a set up but it may be an option for you.

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RE: The sub in the next bay - public play, public pressure - 7/23/2009 5:35:26 AM

SimplyMichael

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We all want different things as this thread clearly shows.

I remember the first time, as a little naive newbie from the provinces I went to one of the first Folsom-Fringe events...Oh My God. Imagine a massive hotel conference HALL filled with about 40 st. Andrews crosses with people playing everywhere. Total turn off for me, I remember quipping at the time, "production line bdsm" and very much not my thing then or now.

But I LOVE playing in public but sometimes the noise can get to me, other times, when the scene is hot, you could let off a bomb and I wouldn't notice. Some people have to be the ones to scream louder than everyone else and it gets tiresome, but sometimes those screams are hot too.

I am goofy too, I don't use floggers, I prefer more intimate scenes, and while I don't mind an audience, I don't play to or for one. My favorite play spaces are ones where there is a balance between intimacy and exposure. Even if there isn't that space, I can usually create it. Shove someone up against a wall in a dark corner and it is amazing what you can see. Last time I played at the Citadel it wasn't during a party, I was vending and just put my hand behind my back and forced her to slide herself down over my finger. Nobody even noticed but for a woman who had never been in a dungeon before it was edge play.

Public play, like anything else, is what you make of it, the less you worry about what others are thinking and focus on your partner and their enjoyment, the more you will both get out of it.

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