RE: thos 3 little ( big) words

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barelynangel -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 5:53:37 AM)
I want to ask this because i don't know: OP, do you demand and NEED him to tell you he needs you, he wants you, he likes you, he enjoys you, he cares about you... etc i can go on and on. Are you willing to make your relationship in the little time he has left a battleground of arguments and fights and tears over these words in the way you want him to say and use them? If not, perhaps you may want to ask yourself why. angel

RCdc -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 6:04:43 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady Did it even occur to you while you were insulting every person who called him emotionaly crippled, you were as equally an "armchair therapist" when telling her to figure out "why she is so desperate to be loved." Nice double standard. No double standard at all. There is a difference between suggesting someone could look into why they might need something ie - maybe get real theraphy and being told by someone that your man is emotionally crippled like it is a FACT, based on a few words posted on a forum. People feel insulted? No more than that man would BE, being told he is emotionally crippled. Besides, who said I wasn't an armchair therapist? I certainly never made that claim...[:D] the.dark.

eyesopened -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 9:00:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey @Eyeswideopen, I agree, except for, if your in a relationship with someone for 6 years and only text them I love you, and dont say it unless the other partner says it first in person....healthy? I keep my eyes open but not WIDE open. Little astonishes me anymore. I will agree that the OP is not looking out for her own emotional well being if she stays for 6 years with a man who is not in love with her while she obsesses about hearing the "three little words". I agree that it is not healthy to prefer deception to truth. According to the op the man doesn't text her 'I love you' and that the only time he says it is as a knee-jerk response to her saying it first much like one would say "your welcome" upon hearing "thank you". Doesn't sound like a man who is in love. But his behavior as described sounds like a man who has genuine affection and fondness for her. She wants him to lie to her. No that's not healthy. But neither does the man sound like an emotional cripple.

Sunnyfey -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 9:01:55 AM)
Fair enough eyeswide, i can agree with that to an extent..... I bet my brain just switched your name to that damn movie title.....

LafayetteLady -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 9:19:50 AM)
FR So words are just words? Then I guess the word "Sir," "Master," "Lord" need never to be uttered from the bottom to the top? After all, it's just a WORD after all, and doesn't mean anything at all. Along with that, if he doesn't say "I love you" because he doesn't feel love for her, then I guess his actions aren't showing that he loves her either. Regardless of the reasons behind anyone not being able to say "I love you," and there certainly have been some valid reasons mentioned, those people have a problem that is emotionally crippling them. That isn't armchair therapy, it's psychology 101. Every person who posted about having a similar issue with their partner had a partner who is or was emotionally crippled in that way. Some have worked it out, others have not. Again, after 6 long years, if he can't say it because he doesn't MEAN it, then he doesn't feel love for her. That makes any actions meaningless, they can't be a way of his showing his love for her, because he doesn't feel that love. There is no indication that the OP and this man have this discussion everyday. Sure, they have had the discussion, but no mention of how frequently. I find it very interesting that everyone is quick to say they are just words, but know how differently they would react if the question was about not wanting to call him "Sir" or "Master" or whatever. People would be telling her that she obviously doesn't FEEL that way about him and they are incompatible and she should re-evaluate the relationship because she should be able to call him by that term. For those that don't NEED to hear that they are loved, good for you, I guess. But not needing to hear it isn't for everyone, and it certainly doesn't apply as a "want." It's amazing how people who are always so quick to say "hey, your kink isn't my kink, but it's all good," are also so quick to say "I don't need that and neither should you." Then to go on and tell someone that their even having this need is a failure of theirs that they need to deal with, well it's pathetically ignorant. None of us are in a position to determine the needs of others. And yes, we are in a positions to FACTUALLY state that having something occur in the past that prevents someone from feeling or admitting love in the now means that they are emotionally crippled. One is an objective leap based on personal needs and experiences and the other is a factual statement based on information presented.

barelynangel -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 9:32:14 AM)
quote: Then I guess the word "Sir," "Master," "Lord" need never to be uttered from the bottom to the top? After all, it's just a WORD after all, and doesn't mean anything at all. Sorry but you completely lost me here --- I could never CALL my former Master and yet he still would have been without my ever doing so or wanting to do so. I am not sure what Men you know but my calling him Master wasn't a VALIDATION for him and it sure didn't identify our relationship as Master and slave to US. I could have called him spud honeydo if that was the address he decided upon and it still wouldn't have changed the FACT of what existed in our relationship --- -- i knew it to be true, he knew it to be true. Actually calling him Master was more of a confirmation TO ME, not him. And when i uttered those words the knowledge was TO ME, not to him. Just because i addressed him in such a fashion and we both enjoyed it didn't MEAN anything other than reflect what we BOTH already knew. Hell sometimes i called him Jerk, lol but it didn't change the MEANING of our relationship. He didn't need me CALLING him Master to make him be one or know he was one or know that he owned me. Sorry, i don't know about you but the Men i get involved with don't need validation to be CALLED something, its simply a PART of what we both did. It didn't make or break the knowledge that existed for us both and if it didn't exist it didn't MEAN it wasn't true or wasn't what we knew as fact. No, the words actually NEVER be uttered for the FACT of the relationship to exist --> the actions of the relationship make the fact exist. Sorry your logic doesn't fit here. angel

LafayetteLady -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 9:42:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: barelynangel I could have called him spud honeydo if that was the address he decided upon angel You call him what he wants and NEEDS to be called. That's the logic. She NEEDS something and he should meet that need. She isn't looking for him to say it all the time, but once in a while. If he doesn't FEEL it, then his actions aren't showing it, because he didn't feel it to start. The logic is there, but I would never expect you to be able to see it. You have gotten so hung up on the idea that it isn't a true need for her and that she is trying to control and manipulate him. Just like the apparent loss of logic in saying his actions show it, so if he doesn't feel it, why does it matter? If he doesn't FEEL it, his actions aren't showing something he doesn't feel.

RCdc -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 9:48:17 AM)
Wow, someone has anger management issues. You are so hung up on attacking individuals to make a point, the point is getting lost. the.dark.

barelynangel -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 9:48:45 AM)
chuckles, you are mistaken with your idea he NEEDED to be called something -- i mean i had to call him something and he decided he liked Master as did i as it helped ME remember my place with him. You are really projecting here. I didn't call him MASTER FOR HIM, i did it because he determined as my Master (which happened based on his ACTIONS AND DETERMINATIONS -- not words) the best thing was for ME to call him Master. Careful about trying to discuss something you have no clue about -- MOST Men who are Masters of women don't need validation of being CALLED Master -- they simply ARE Master to the women they own. Chuckles, yeah the men NEED to be called Masters. Damn i wonder if they know they are supposed to need to be called Master. Its NOT a need, its a WANT. A NEED is something someone CAN'T live without -- since she is sticking around and have no plans to leave -- ITS A WANT, a very STRONG want, but still a want or she would say later and find someone who will gush the words she needs to hear rather than showing her by keeping her around for 6 years. To be DEPENDENT UPON WORDS instead of ACTIONS and the FACTS of the relationship is dysfunctional ESPECIALLY when you are willing to make the relationship HELL because someone won't SAY words to you that you can bloody well HEAR if you SIMPLY LISTEN to what he is saying without saying A WORD. She doesn't want him to say what he FEELS, she wants platitudes. BIG difference. angel

RCdc -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 9:58:26 AM)
I pretty much agree with what you say barelynangel... Master wants and Master gets. It's not a need for him, it is not affirmation nor respect, nor validation. The only caveat I have is the 'need of love'. Whilst I completely agree that need and want are totally different... and that one is necessary to survive and one is simply self determined desire, I am in two minds about love. Love pretty much nurtures the human as they grow. Without it, it is possible that you become a totally different person. It could well be that for growth, we need love. Much of the time though, it is a very selfish want. Not that being selfish is a bad thing at all. I still need to think about the need/want thing where love is concerned. the.dark.

sirsholly -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 11:13:22 AM)
quote: Besides, who said I wasn't an armchair therapist? She is. nods We go way back, the dark and i. We even graduated from different schools together. Seated State University...

eyesopened -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 11:14:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey Fair enough eyeswide, i can agree with that to an extent..... I bet my brain just switched your name to that damn movie title..... I believe the name of the movie (which was such a huge disappointment) is Eyes Wide Shut. - -eyesopened

roland23 -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 11:21:00 AM)
As Tina Turner said, "What's love got to do with it?" Must we always be in love with our subs or doms?

RCdc -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/24/2009 12:00:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: Besides, who said I wasn't an armchair therapist? She is. nods We go way back, the dark and i. We even graduated from different schools together. Seated State University... .nod.nod.nod.[:D] the.dark.

daddysliloneds -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/25/2009 10:04:09 AM)
six years together with no plans of living together or marrying and you're worried about him saying, 'i love you'? what a waste of time and energy... i'd be more concerned with walking for years down a dead-end road then with not hearing three words.

DesFIP -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/25/2009 11:34:25 AM)
If what the op needs is a man who loves her and who is open about that, then this is a problem for her simply because she is unhappy in this relationship as is. She is settling for a relationship that has some good stuff but not enough. Me? I'd rather be alone than settle. Since she isn't with him, rarely sees him and still isn't loved I'd say she is settling and being alone. Been there, bought the tee shirt, not happening again.

agirl -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/25/2009 2:42:49 PM)
I've never heard * I love you* once from M and I've been his for many years. The fact is, we are both on the same wave-length about it. No rights or wrongs about it and no wringing of hands because it's never said. I haven't an aversion to hearing those three words at all and coming from him it would be super........but for US, it wouldn't change anything at all. Fireworks aren't going to roar across the sky in a spectacular fashion, the words, uttered, won't change a single thing about our life together. Not one single thing. He'll still be grumpy at times, I'll still be an arse-pain at others and tomorrow will be the same day it would have been, had he not said it. If he doesn't love me , then he's done a fantastic job of making me FEEL very loved. If HIS version of loving includes never saying * I love you* ......I want THAT version. Many people have said that actions speak louder than words ........up to a point I agree and in my relationship actions say * I care for you, I'm here for you, you mean a huge amount to me, I enjoy your company and I'll consistantly do my best for you. Three words can't say that or show that. We can't control the way other people express their care and love.....I wouldn't want to have something I'd probably end up feeling I'd squeezed out of someone, either. For all the talk of what's healthy* and what isn't ..... the most important factor is understanding yourself and who you're with. agirl

IrishMist -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/25/2009 6:38:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark Wow, someone has anger management issues. You are so hung up on attacking individuals to make a point, the point is getting lost. the.dark. snicker I was with my late husband for more than ten years. Not once in all that time did he ever say 'I love you'. He had no need to ever say those words...that's all they were, just words. In the end, words mean very little when compared to a single action that protrays so much more.

Loki45 -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/25/2009 7:10:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelsub2LuvU I have been with my Dom for 6 years now. He has this thing about saying, writing, or texting "I love you" He won't, unless we are in person and I say it first. He says I know he loves me. He doesn't undersatnd why I need to hear it. Maybe I don't either. ?? It's a comfort to me when I'm sick, sad or just in a rut. I feel like I do a lot for him emotionaly and to ask for that one little thing--it's something I should be granted. He feels I am trying to conrtol him with it. I am not. If anyone agress with me would you please tell how I am supposed to make him understand how this is important to me? And no, it is not all about me. From the time I wake up in the morning till the time I go to sleep I am trying to please him. I want this one little thing. A "thank you" Eh, I've got to say I'm with him on this. Sorry. Those three words ain't ever coming out of my mouth again, with the exception of when talking to family.

ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: thos 3 little ( big) words (7/25/2009 8:35:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly quote: . I was sick a few weeks back. So sick. Could'nt hardly get out of bed. I begged him for it. Told him what a comfort it was ect. He would not respond. if i were in your shoes, this would have been the wake up call i needed leave him. When two people are in a relationship they should both do all they can to meet each others needs. You were ill and asking him to assure you that he loved you and he could not or would not meet that need. Three words that he has said before but refused to say when you were sick and begging? Darlin' do you need a piano to fall on you to wake you up? As to his poor health, i would never accept that as a reason or allow it to be used as an excuse for him behavior. So he has health issues...so what? His illness is an excuse to hurt you in that manner? Not saying "I love you" is his way of protecting you? Total bullshit and shame on him for hiding behind a diagnosis!! You are not happy, otherwise you would not have started this thread. You need the fulfillment of those three words. You need it. He is aware of your need and can fulfill it, but will not. If i were in your shoes i would inform him he is a selfish prick and leave. Better things are out there. Good post. Fucking good post. I almost never agree with "dump him" posts, but you caught the essence here. The pain and the desperation this woman is expressing are nothing short of heartbreaking, and this one incident captures the entirety of it. For all the people saying actions are louder than words, that action speaks not just volumes, but whole libraries about the way that man feels about her. The cruelty she's describing is sickening. You nailed this one 100%, Holly. Whether he's deliberately being cold to her, or simply incapable of expressing the emotional support she needs to feel from him, it all comes out the same. She needs it, and he ain't providing it. I wish the poor thing the best going forward, no matter what she decides to do. Fucking good post. Brava.

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