'Coming out' experiences

'Coming out' experiences (Full Version)

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brendover -> 'Coming out' experiences (7/22/2009 6:56:03 PM)
Long story short, I was recently dating a girl with whom things were going really great, and besides sexually, we were otherwise totally compatible: tonnes of fun together, mutual attraction, similar interests, and pretty well anything else you could hope for in a relationship. She called it off shortly after things turned physical, citing a lack of chemistry. That kind of hurt at the time, but I couldn't have agreed more; the whole time I just felt as if I was just playing the part of what I assumed she wanted, a nonkinky guy, and I think she picked up on the fact that my heart really wasn't in it, which it totally wasn't. So, the obvious question I've been struggling with is how to go about telling people about my kinky side. Similar situations have happened to me enough times that I realize open and honest communication is going to be the only way of solving this problem, no matter how shy I am regarding this aspect of myself. I guess my questions boils down to how do people generally go about letting others know about their kinky side (assuming you are meeting people in real life and not on a website dedicated to kinky people)? 'I'm not really interested in sex so much as I am in you tying me up and hurting me, but I am willing to do things I'm not interested in for your needs/the sake of the relationship' sounds a bit too clinical, 'I'm kinky' is a bit vague, and 'I think I'm a submissive masochist' might not mean much to anyone not accustomed to hearing these things. How long do people usually wait before telling someone they have the potential to enter a relationship that they have a kinky side? Anyone have great/horrific responses to letting someone know about your kinky side?

DarkSteven -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/22/2009 7:01:53 PM)
Why be shy about it? Just say "I'd like to please you. What can I do?" or "What would you like me to do?" when you're in bed with her.

NyDaddysGirl -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/23/2009 3:29:02 AM)
In the past, I've "come out" to a few people I was seriously dating. For the most part, it didn't phase them and many happily assumed the role of Dom. That being said, I think some assumed the role just for the opportunity to be "bossy" rather than having any real inclinations toward Dominating. I also think one was submissive and assumed a Dom role just to please me, if that makes sense. Two were very much suited for the role of Dom and it worked out very well for the duration of the relationship. I haven't had any horrific experiences.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/23/2009 3:33:42 AM)
I can't think of many people in my life who isn't explicitly aware, but thats because I am a bit of an activist in that regard. I think by treating it like something to hide or be ashamed of makes others view it in the same way. I have had mostly great experiences, and now my dad asks for advice on toys and my sister ran up to me a while ago all excited that she had been spanked for the first time.

NihilusZero -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/23/2009 7:24:07 AM)
People, for the most part, like a certain bit of kink. Sometimes you just need to try and feel the mood and gently introduce things rather than trying to be completely sexually straight-edge. And sometimes "introduce" doesn't mean talking about it (people like their spontaneity too). I've had dates where a playful spank ensued...and was able to gauge from the reaction that (a little later on in more private settings) it could be mutually thumbs-up to playing a little harder.

Prinsexx -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/23/2009 7:35:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: brendover I guess my questions boils down to how do people generally go about letting others know about their kinky side (assuming you are meeting people in real life and not on a website dedicated to kinky people)? ' I only meet people from websites dedicated to other kinky people. It kind of saves time.

janiebelle -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/23/2009 8:36:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Why be shy about it? Just say "I'd like to please you. What can I do?" or "What would you like me to do?" when you're in bed with her. Unless the woman has already displayed an obvious propensity to dominate, saying something like this to a vanilla lover could go terribly awry. If I were naked with a man, and he said something like that, my jaw would hit the floor and I would look at him like he had just sprouted another head from his shoulders. I don't have a sexually dominant bone in my body. Upon hearing this, my response, if any, would likely be "Um, I'd like you to drop a nut and act like a man". And this is only one reason I won't even consider a "regular" man as a romantic prospect ever again. YMMV, j

Mercnbeth -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/23/2009 9:23:08 AM)
quote: ...Anyone have great/horrific responses to letting someone know about your kinky side?... all the vanilla folk this slave ever came out to told her she was one sick pathetic bitch that needed therapy, medications or both to "cure" her. that went for everything from kinky sex to submission. the ONLY great response this slave got was from someone who was also kinky and appreciated submission as something more than just an indicator of mental illness.

Surata -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/23/2009 10:10:03 AM)
I came out to my grandmother years ago and she was highly amused (mostly because she figured it out long before I thought to talk about it). I got outed to the rest of my family and several friends by a vindictive ex-fuckbuddy. No one batted an eye and he ended up looking like an idiot. The man I am dating now knows about it, isn't terribly interested, but isn't fazed by it either. We've hit a nice balance.

blmtrsne -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/23/2009 3:39:00 PM)
What's the alternative in a relation: being silent for the next 50 years? We don't tell people outside our mariage, but I'm glad My slave/husband had the courage to ask me to be his Mistress. That was back in 1988. Some friends suspect something because they saw my attitude on several occasions, some raised an eyebrow, and once I lent my slave out so he could take care of a sick girlfriend of mine (no play, no sex, only day to day service like doing the shopping). But our relation is 24/7: almost no play, lots of service.

DesFIP -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/23/2009 3:49:16 PM)
Rule of thumb is that if you can't talk about it, you shouldn't be doing it. Don't go into detail saying you want to be forced into wearing a pony butt plug and have to pull her about in a carriage, or that you want her to put on her high heels and kick you in the balls repeatedly. Just a simply phrase like "I am happier in a relationship with a woman who takes the lead". Then see what she says. If she says she prefers the man take the lead, wish her good luck because you aren't compatible. If she says that sounds interesting, and what exactly did you mean by that then answer that you prefer the woman decide where you go, what you do, and especially that she is in charge in the bedroom. Nothing lewd about that but it gets the point across.

MasterSlaveLA -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/23/2009 3:59:30 PM)
Why oh why do kinksters feel they need to wear this stuff on their sleave? I'm no more interested in others' vanilla sex lives as I am their kinky sex lives. The only two people that need to "know" are you and the person you're involved with. It's akin to someone wanting to tell everyone they like Disco?!! I mean really... it's nobody's business but your own. And if you have some burning need to tell others, then I'd question why??? Often, it's really little more than seeking the approval of others instead of feeling secure in yourself. Now, as to dating? You generally have an idea of what someone's personality and mannerisms are about by watching them. So, if that test passes, then see how you get on as people. If that test passes, then simply say where dating is concerned, you prefer a more Dominant or submissive partner; both sexually and non-sexually. No need to advertise to the world... most don't want to know anyway.

RedMagic1 -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/23/2009 4:07:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP "I am happier in a relationship with a woman who takes the lead". Then see what she says. If she says she prefers the man take the lead, wish her good luck because you aren't compatible. If she says that sounds interesting, and what exactly did you mean by that then answer that you prefer the woman decide where you go, what you do, and especially that she is in charge in the bedroom. Nothing lewd about that but it gets the point across. OP, I suggest you print this out and hold onto it.

SoulPiercer -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/23/2009 4:15:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Prinsexx I only meet people from websites dedicated to other kinky people. It kind of saves time. This is my primary approach as well. If I do happen to meet someone in some other fashion and they make it known they have an interest in me, I tell them that I'm probably far too kinky for their tastes. This usually leads them to ask what I mean and voila .. the door is now open. Once I explain exactly what I mean, 99% of time we both find I was correct. I was far too kinky for them. As for the 1%, it's been almost 2 years now and I haven't been able to get rid of her.

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: 'Coming out' experiences (7/24/2009 6:23:41 AM)
there is also a deep love there that is very cool I think that rules and telling a nilla your kinker then all get out is easier these days then it was in the past but if someone loves you they will accept you for who you are not what sexual stuff you do remeber a person first ds second

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