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TreasureKY -> RE: Its all in the mind (7/23/2009 8:20:19 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
This is an interesting topic as the prevailing underlying point appears to be the 'energy' of an interaction where the dominant is essentially focused on himself and how, through that, the sub feels there is a genuine dominance being displayed.
I think excerpts like these:
quote:
ORIGINAL: TreasureKY
If a guy intended to come across as dominant, but his actions reflected that he was only doing so in order to please me and/or win my affection (or because he thought he was supposed to), then there's no "power exchange" and I'm not interested.
Are a strange tightrope walk because it's saying that if the Dom does something to please the sub, the power exchange isn't there....all the while the entire point of the thread being that many subs want a self-motivated Dom, so even in that case he'd still be giving them what they seek.
I think most of this will fall under the human habit of wanting things to "just fit magically" in our intimate reactions with our partners. We'd want them to pick our our favorite restaurant to eat out at without knowing what it was. And while I'd agree that there is something about that to desire, I think it bears being vigilant to the fact that we can tend to be biased that way in order to properly weigh situations so we're not making unrealistic expectations because our partner isn't always seemingly telepathic.
I mostly agree with what you are saying... it can be a tightrope... but I think there are a lot of variables in there.
First, in what I wrote, I had more in mind the type of guy who finds out you are into submission and, though he's never had an interest in dominating and has never been one to be thought of as a dominant, he tries to behave dominantly in order to please you or to woo you. Note that I wrote carefully "a guy" (not a dom) and I emphasized the words "intended" and "only". I fully expect that a guy like this will quickly tire of playing at being dominant and any dominant behavior (as well as intent) will disappear once he has gotten what he wanted or becomes bored.
That aside, I don't feel that a dominant doing something to please his submissive... or giving his submissive's desires attention... automatically negates the "power exchange". I do think, though, that balance matters... if it tips too far in favor of the submissive and the focus becomes pleasing the submissive without regard to the dominant's personal desires, then yeah... I'd have a problem with that.
As far as wanting things to "magically fit", I do feel there is a possibility for unreasonable or unrealistic expectations. What is unrealistic and unreasonable could easily be debated, though.
I personally feel that if you really care about someone, you care about their physical and emotional well-being. The more you care, the more you pay attention to their needs and desires. If a dominant can't remember off-hand comments that his submissive says like, "oooohhh, I love this restaurant" or notice the wrinkled nose and frown when Thai cuisine is suggested, then it would seem to me that he doesn't care enough about what his submissive's preferences are. If a dominant can't be bothered to note what makes his submissive squeal with delight or groan in dismay, then I don't consider him suitable for a caring relationship. If a dominant says he's interested in his submissive being pleased... at least occasionally... how hard is it to observe, remember, or even ask?
I do recognize that there can be great differences in how men and women think, though. And of course, it greatly depends upon what kind of relationship you are looking for.
Like everything else, communication is key.
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