RE: What attracts also repels?

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Apocalypso -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 9:26:08 AM)
4. The doppleganger sub. Rare, but flee for the hills! (I was with one years ago). Doesn't want to please their Dom. Wants to be their Dom. Buying loads of albums by my favourite bands? A sweet attempt at sharing my loves. Reinventing your fashion sense so it's basically a female version of how I dress? A bit annoying, but I guess it's endearing. Redoing how you write your signature so it's more like mine? Ok, this is getting a bit creepy, frankly. Getting a phone call from my friends, who I'd introduced her to once, asking if I could ask her to stop coming round to their house every damn day while I was at work, doing an apparently terrifyingly accurate simulation of all my personal mannerisms? Ok, I think I shall start backing away slowly now. Until I'm out of sight and can run, anyway.

LillyoftheVally -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 9:28:29 AM)
^^ Imitation is the highest form of flattery [8D]

Apocalypso -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 10:21:15 AM)
^^ Imitation is the highest form of flattery [8D]

sravaka -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 10:27:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant Sure there are groups of submissives also. I've not sat down and taken the time to divide them up but I can give you some examples. Let's see if anyone here knows submissives of this nature. 1. The "I am a submissive and I am especially submissive to you but my work requires me to be dominant in nature so I will not be able to go into submissive mode automatically when I come home". Many of these types want you to understand and accept this. Funny but when they get to work, are they allowed that same latitude of time before their "work dominance" kicks in or does their boss expect them to come to work ready to go? 2. The "I am fully competent at work and social settings submissive but my brain just won't work when Master/Mistress tells me to do something hard". These are the submissives who handle extremely complex matters at work and who take a great deal of pride in being able to do so (and rightfully so) and yet, when a task is laid out for them...be it simple or complex (although oddly enough, many times it is the most simple task/protocol/ritual that throws them)...they have to have it explained from many angles and then will still question the why and how of it. 3. The "My last relationship left me feeling lonely and vulnerable and inadequate so I need someone to show me that I am indeed a worthy submissive and a good person submissives". These are the ones who take care and kindness and understanding and a willingness to listen and the ability to build their self-esteem again. While some of these end up in love with the dominant who thought there was a gem of a submissive there, sadly many of them end up back with the former dominant who tore them down in the first place "because he's changed and I didn't realize it until he changed but I'm still in love with him" OR they are grateful to the dominant who picked them up and rebuilt them but "yanno, I've realized I need a bit of the asshole and you are just too nice, Sir/Ma'am". Ok... re: #3, I can only say, ouch. Do reasonable people really say this?? "I need a bit of the asshole"? (or equivalent, even?) But re: nos. 1-2.... these puzzle me exceedingly, and have done so for quite a while. So... with apologies to Prinsexx for abusing her thread, I will attempt to inquire.... Is it really a matter of switching on and off? (#1) I swear, I've never felt this. Or, ok, maybe sometimes I'm required to be serious and deferential when (to me) amusing, pointy little comments are intruding into my brain... but this seems to be a different problem. What you (CreativeDominant) describe reminds me of when silly online interlocutors say, "Tell me about your submissive side." Side? The left, the right, the front, the back?? I don't have sides. I'm a whole. I don't leave part of myself behind when crossing work/home thresholds in either direction. I just decide which skills and tendencies are most relevant to a particular situation, and let them have their way, or pull them into service, or let them be compelled, as needed. (It's often very effective to be deferential and service-oriented at work, even when one is ostensibly in charge... them what don't know may even perceive it as being dominant/controlling, when really it's just service to a different cause.) Re: your #2... I can understand difficulties about whys and hows, up to a point. How becomes a thing for perfectionists, e.g. (and there are many of these among smartchicks). Why is a thing for those of us who are pathologically curious, or who find in the whys a way to get a different perspective on our dominants, how they think, what they value. But, again... checking your brain at the door independently just sounds like laziness. Or some conflict about one's "sides". Is that it? How hopeless it seems, if there are all these fucked up "types" on both sides of the slash!

leadership527 -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 11:25:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sravaka How hopeless it seems, if there are all these fucked up "types" on both sides of the slash! I thank my lucky stars every day that Carol has no past traumas. She's got no [serious] baggage of any kind. She's not chasing some kinky fantasy from erotic porn. She's just my wife who happens to be pretty flexible and likes pleasing me a lot. No muss, no fuss.

CreativeDominant -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 11:58:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Apocalypso 4. The doppleganger sub. Rare, but flee for the hills! (I was with one years ago). Doesn't want to please their Dom. Wants to be their Dom. Buying loads of albums by my favourite bands? A sweet attempt at sharing my loves. Reinventing your fashion sense so it's basically a female version of how I dress? A bit annoying, but I guess it's endearing. Redoing how you write your signature so it's more like mine? Ok, this is getting a bit creepy, frankly. Getting a phone call from my friends, who I'd introduced her to once, asking if I could ask her to stop coming round to their house every damn day while I was at work, doing an apparently terrifyingly accurate simulation of all my personal mannerisms? Ok, I think I shall start backing away slowly now. Until I'm out of sight and can run, anyway. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes...this is the submissive who read "Screw the Roses" and/or the other books out there about BDSM and D/s and then came to the part that says (and I am paraphrasing here) "it is to be expected that the submissive will come to adapt to their dominant's way of thinking in certain areas so that they will begin to understand his/her motivations and intents behind certain expected behaviors" and somehow read that as " it is to be expected that the submissive will adapt their dominant's intentions and behaviors".

HeadmasterDavid -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 2:47:32 PM)
Whenever I am in a new relationship, I usually make a mental note of something that really impresses me about that person. Because that's usually the thing that will be our undoing. Marriage therapists say that we are drawn to people who are unable to satisfy a basic need that our parent was also unable to satisfy. That is a little different than the old saying "you're just looking to replace your mother", because it's not the good traits we're seeking out, but the bad ones. I've seen for instance, that a guy who is drawn to an exceptionally successful topless dancer wants her to quit dancing as soon as they fall in love. Even if she has no alternative source of income. Guys who are drawn to women in medical school, because they are successful and intelligent, but want them to drop out of medical school as soon as they become boyfriend-girlfriend. Bizarre, but that seems to be the way we are wired. Imagine how boring life would be if we were all predictable!

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 3:43:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sravaka I struggled with similar stuff for many years (and may not entirely be done). I've never found that intelligence needs to be compromised for someone actually worth being with. I've yet to find a definitive definition of intelligence. But I just know I have it. It's both a blessing (ie I can work for far higher than the basic minimum wage) and a curse (most people are on a slower planet). It feels more empty than being single. Alone in a crowd. Alone in a room. Alone across the dining table or in a restaurant. Alone even in conversation. Of course, 2) it's also possible compromise your standards once in a while/temporarily for sake of taking the edge off the waiting/dusting. (for me this doesn't work terribly well either, but others manage it with aplomb). But this hurts the other. For the duration of being on the shelf, one simply goes about fulfilling one's independent ambitions in whatever way seems best. I set and reset the targets whereas there used to be joint tarfets and prohects. How do you change motivation? Motivation comes from need. Satusfying ones own needs can make one stagnant and complacent. Certainly you won't fake it happily. So true.

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 3:53:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW I guess what I'm saying is, know yourself. Know who you are and what you need in order to feel right in a relationship -- then set those boundaries as your "no compromise" line. If maintaining your ambitions, stoking your motivation, and appreciating your intelligence are pre-requisites for having a person in your life that you're going to be able to relate to in the way that you want, then start by not accepting ongoing relationships with people who can't offer those things to you. Relating to others contains some sacrifices, yes -- but it doesn't have to be like throwing yourself into the volcano every time. Be who you are -- if it scares someone off, or if they mishandle you, then it's OK not to get into a deeper relationship with that person. If the relationship mutates to something that squashes you, the self, it's ok to walk away without having to fall into an abyss over it. I hope this made sense. Dame Calla Thank you for these words and the others you wrote in your reply. Having a family and raising that family, being the one consistent parent within it, has been the main way in which I have learned the value of compromise. perhaps what is actually happening right now is that the time has come for me to be able to put myself back into the picture again in a way that hasn't been possible for some time. The right time seems to be emerging when I can really co-create and foster a relationship where my needs are taken care off. As a deeply submissive person this is of course a paradox as taking care of my needs naturally involves taking care of the needs of the other. I simply have to trust that needing to do that is indeed attractive and not a repekking feature. It is an intense aspect of my personality and so I also understand that intensity is difficult for some to handle especially those who just want to 'play'.

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 4:36:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HeadmasterDavid Whenever I am in a new relationship, I usually make a mental note of something that really impresses me about that person. Because that's usually the thing that will be our undoing. [/qote] This is the simplest and most straightforward expression of what I have been talking about.

HeadmasterDavid -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 4:54:13 PM)
The first wife was exuberant, gregarious, a bundle of energy, like a butterfly flitting from person to person, making them all feel great. Especially the guy she was having the affair with. The second wife was "everywoman". She was the proverbial angel in church and the whore in the bedroom. A friend to everyone. Appealed to every single interest of mine. Turns out she had multiple personality disorder. OK, I am willing to turn this around and look at myself critically, too: I'm guessing women are attracted to me initially because I seem to have done so many things and been so many places and have so many different interests. I am always flying off on a trip or doing something exciting. And then they discover that, wow, indeed I am always off on a trip or doing something. Heh heh hehe. Try it, and see what might be initially attractive until reality sets in.

dreamerdreaming -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 7:39:15 PM)
I think you're fabulous, Prinsexx. *Hot, alluring and sexy.* Smart and wise. I love the way you think, and the way you share yourself with us here. You are a planetary, and an intergalactic treasure. You are soooo amazing, and wonderful!

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 8:28:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HeadmasterDavid Try it, and see what might be initially attractive until reality sets in. Remembers... He was a musician...and on the road a great deal He was a successful business man and away in hotels... He was 13 years younger... He was 20 years younger... He spoke Italian... I am gulity of doing that which I experience happens to me.

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 8:30:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming I think you're fabulous, Prinsexx. *Hot, alluring and sexy.* Smart and wise. I love the way you think, and the way you share yourself with us here. You are a planetary, and an intergalactic treasure. You are soooo amazing, and wonderful! Then reality sets in... adore your good press and thank you for your support by Cme mail also.

DavanKael -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/29/2009 10:46:33 PM)
I have found that many traits that I possess which people would identify as powerful tend to intimidate. Far more often than not, despite that I truly desire a partner who is Alpha to me, I wind up with droves of individuals attempting to submit. That's flattering sometimes (Do-me subs are annoying generally) but isn't my priority as I lack a life partner at this time. It's appealing sometimes, as I am not so hung up on a trait or two that I can't conceptualize someone who doesn't identify as Dominant being a fabulous partner for me. The difficulty is the intimidation factor. Certainly, a healthy respect, I'll even take a bit of fear, but when it's all said and done, the person needs to be able to stand with me and I with them and if that's not possible, they're not viable for me nor I they. So, I suppose what I am saying is that I think you're keying in on being part of a sub-group of a larger group and that makes the suitable partners fewer in number. But, I know Alpha when I taste it, don't you?! And, if a partner isn't able to buck up, then that's not your Alpha. Davan

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/30/2009 4:05:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DavanKael I have found that many traits that I possess which people would identify as powerful tend to intimidate. Far more often than not, despite that I truly desire a partner who is Alpha to me, I wind up with droves of individuals attempting to submit. That's flattering sometimes (Do-me subs are annoying generally) but isn't my priority as I lack a life partner at this time. It's appealing sometimes, as I am not so hung up on a trait or two that I can't conceptualize someone who doesn't identify as Dominant being a fabulous partner for me. The difficulty is the intimidation factor. Certainly, a healthy respect, I'll even take a bit of fear, but when it's all said and done, the person needs to be able to stand with me and I with them and if that's not possible, they're not viable for me nor I they. So, I suppose what I am saying is that I think you're keying in on being part of a sub-group of a larger group and that makes the suitable partners fewer in number. But, I know Alpha when I taste it, don't you?! And, if a partner isn't able to buck up, then that's not your Alpha. Davan But I am an alpha. I'm an alphs slave. My name (which was to be Princess here on CM when I first joined) is Old Guard for alpha slave. I love to top women. I love to train. I can't go back on my experience. In a poly house I would love to be a F of a MFF. That's just who I am. And I have experienced intimacy with a Dom male and a sub female but compartmentalized and not as a family. It was perfect. And so is play with MFF but given my need for integrity (a wholeness of character of myself) finding the right combo is proving very difficult without selling myself short. Yes I am alpha but never with my Alpha male. I have only had one person write to me and discuss the meaning of #Princess' in this way and that was a member of the leather community of many years experience. Prinsexx by the way was a name that hadn't been taken. As I am also well you know an XX and also sexxxxxy (lol as they say).

Gromgor -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/31/2009 10:00:24 AM)
I didn't read all the responses, as I just wished to respond to the initial post. While it might not apply specifically to the original poster, it might apply to others. Were I the Dom in a situation with a sub successful in business, I would simply implement his/her business into the expectations. A sub should do all things well. With elegance and beauty. Your definition of that elegance and beauty might differ, but when it comes to business, success, profit and other such things dictate the "beauty". Your Dom could have simply required that you achieve a certain, almost impossible, milestone. By encouraging you to be successful he more fully claims you as even your success outside of the house is influenced by him. But who am I to say?

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (7/31/2009 5:39:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gromgor I didn't read all the responses, as I just wished to respond to the initial post. While it might not apply specifically to the original poster, it might apply to others. Were I the Dom in a situation with a sub successful in business, I would simply implement his/her business into the expectations. A sub should do all things well. With elegance and beauty. Your definition of that elegance and beauty might differ, but when it comes to business, success, profit and other such things dictate the "beauty". Your Dom could have simply required that you achieve a certain, almost impossible, milestone. By encouraging you to be successful he more fully claims you as even your success outside of the house is influenced by him. But who am I to say? Yes well a potential Dom might have. I didn't start the thread in isolation to events happening in my life. And what has quite recently happened is that, having obviously read my profile and engaged my attention and 'courted' me for the past three weeks. albeit by messenger, then accused me of having bdsm as a separate aspect of my life. Told me he wanted 24/7 and that I used the things I do in my life as an excuse (saying i was too busy). I am beginning to think I should put on my profile 'tabla rasa: waiting and willing to be your undying and utter slave until death us do part. Nothing else to do and no other interests' But then someone might accuse me of being a fake. I just can't seem to win.

daddysliloneds -> RE: What attracts also repels? (8/1/2009 7:47:08 AM)
quote: So why is it that what attracts also repels? Would really appreciate understanding more about this. it's attractive because it shows your strengths, your value, what you are capable of accomplishing all on your own... it repels because it shows you can do it yourself, that you don't actually need anyone, and that because of these things, they won't get to act like selfish little three year olds demanding your time and energy be focused soley on them(it's an ego thing).

Prinsexx -> RE: What attracts also repels? (8/1/2009 8:43:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds quote: So why is it that what attracts also repels? Would really appreciate understanding more about this. it's attractive because it shows your strengths, your value, what you are capable of accomplishing all on your own... it repels because it shows you can do it yourself, that you don't actually need anyone, and that because of these things, they won't get to act like selfish little three year olds demanding your time and energy be focused soley on them(it's an ego thing). Loving a lot on CM today and love the simplicity of what you just said. I am aware that wanting and needing are two different things... thins is (huge generalisation here) but in my experience many doms feel threatened if you do not need them AND they have to be pretty sorted in their self-esteem if you really want them instead.

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