hizgeorgiapeach
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Termyn8or
If I might suggest "_____________".
I think it is past that. It is now a matter of waiting for the guy to die. It is unfortunate, but reality. He has had a bunch of strokes, and he is not going to get well ever.
It's been well past the point of "maybe he'll start getting better" for a long time, now. It was past that point when I moved him home - which was one of the reasons that I decided to do so. He has a DNR and AD in place - has had for years, since right after momma died - which prohibits us doing ANYTHING other than palliative care. Due to the AD, I can't even Legally have him hospitalized for tube feeding/fluids if he decides (in his incapacitated state) that he's simply going to quit eatting - or gods forbid something like another major stroke happens and he becomes incapable of doing so.
When I moved him home, he was still semi-mobile under his own power. He's had a wheelchair since the stroke for long distances, simply because the paralysis of his left side never really eased up, but he could still walk for short distances. Those distances - which were around 40 feet before exhaustion & lack of oxygen started getting to him - have declined to about 8 feet at this point. His appetite fluctuates, and increasingly he simply refuses to eat unless I'm home (part of his tendency towards temper tantrums) - and then he only wants chocolate and the occassional small cheeseburger from McDonalds. (Which in and of itself is sad, since before the stroke he was very health conscious about his eatting, never touched chocolate, and Detested McD's.) In the same 8 month span, his reliance on his nebulizer for breathing treatments has gone from every 9 or 10 hours to every 4 hours - and he Asks for treatments every 2 hours - I simply won't put more meds in it than every 4 due to his doctor's orders that he not be allowed more than that.
It's very much a waiting game at this point. It has been for the Majority of the 3 years since the inital stroke. The difference now - really - isn't between having him at home vs him living in a nursing home like he did for the first 2 1/2 years. The difference is in how I react to things on a strictly emotional level. For the time that he was in a nursing home, I was able to maintain a bit of ... almost clinical detachment from what was going on. I had convinced myself that I had my grieving over and done with, simply because of the magnitude of the changes wroght by the stroke in his personality, behavior, and mental capacity. With him Home, I haven't been able to maintain that sense of detachment - that self-deluded belief that there was no grieving left to do - that I had somehow come to terms with his mortality..... and my own. In the month between my birthday in mid-June, and his birthday in late July, I've had to start being more honest with myself about that Mortality and the issues that surround it. I've had to start examining my own life, to decide how and whether I want to make Changes in MYSELF while I still have time to do so. I've had to start looking a lot more closely at the things that I Haven't done that I still Want to do - and decide whether I'm Capable of doing them, and if so, how much of my personal energies do I want to spend on those changes. I've had to start asking myself some of the difficult questions that I've avoided seriously looking at because I was afraid of the answers within myself - do I really Want to quit smoking, loose the excess weight, and make some of the more subtle changes to personal style and personality quirks to improve who and what I am, or am I content to hide behind those things to insulate myself from the world at large, and the emotional pain it's possible for others to inflict if I actually allow myself to risk getting hurt by being truely Close to someone that I might lose? Eventually, the mask has to be set aside - otherwise we end up the way dad was terrified he was going to end up - dying alone in a place that's little more than a warehouse for the old and useless, with no friends, family that has forgotten us, and only strangers to remember that we ever existed. Knowing that - and knowing how much that simple concept terrifies him - I CAN'T make myself put him back in a nursing home, no matter what the emotional cost to myself in the short term. If I did - I wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye after he does die, and I wouldn't be able to protest if it happened to myself.
With J here, I'm getting a lot more Physical rest, so that's rapidly ceasing to be a major factor - I get a lot more time off, and even when I'm home J answers dad's yells as frequently as I do simply so I don't have to do it All. (He's not much help as a roomie on the housework, but at least he cleans up the messes he himself makes, and he actively avoids adding to the general sense of Chaos that's been the norm for my home since December.) My brother has pretty much vanished himself again, since he's been made aware that dad doesn't have any money left. I made certain he understood That back in late February/early March, when he showed up whining about how he'd gotten my Harley stolen and expected me to do something about it. With him having disappeared because he knows dad's broke - and knows beyond doubt that I'm not about to spend even a single penny of dad's little bit of income or remaining resources bailling his worthless ass out of holes he's dug for himself with his drug use - that bit of pressure/stress has eased considerably as well. Unfortunately, it's been a source of unhappiness/stress for dad - since dad still harbors the delusional hope that my idiot brother and I will be reconciled to each other. I avoid mentioning my brother anywhere in dad's hearing - because I'm Not going to politely lie about the fucktard, and dad goes into a bout of serious distress - breathing difficulties, panic attack, the whole 9 yards - if he happens to overhear me telling someone the Truth about why I don't try to enlist mike's help.
The social worker from the Hospice company that's working with dad keeps fairly close tabs on how things are going for me, calls every other week to check up on things and ask if there's anything I need from them or that they can do to help with the load. The nurse comes in twice a week, plus any time I call them (like yesterday) because there's been a problem on a day she's not already scheduled to come by. The aide comes 3 days a week to deal with dad's person hygene issues - something I arranged with the Hospice from the get-go, since I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with it myself. (While it was never an issue with my 22 year old spawn, despite all her physical problems growing up ... there's a Huge difference between doing that for our same gender offspring, and doing so for our opposite gender Parent! The idea of helping him with that just squicks me to the point where it simply wouldn't get done at all if someone else weren't coming in to do it, and I recognized and acknowledged that in myself from day 1.)
I will, as I always seem to manage to do, pull myself out of this ongoing slump. I am, first and foremost, a Survivor. While I may not come out the other side completely unchanged, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Change in and of itself is not the enemy - how we React to those changes, whether we embrace them or run to hide from them - That is the telling point. And in the meantime, I keep going, doing what needs to be done and waiting for the point in time when there's nothing left to do for dad so that I can concentrate on the rest of my life. When he's gone, there will be time for me - for what I want. Time to travel to the various places I want to see but haven't yet, time to quit making excuses about why I don't more actively work on quitting smoking, or loosing weight, time to finish getting over past hurts that are so old and worn out even now as to have little real meaning yet I've stubbornly clung to like a worn out security blanket of excuses.
_____________________________
Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations
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RE: Another of "those" rants - 
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