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struggling with submission - need advice? - 7/27/2009 3:10:30 PM

malkun

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/27/2009
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Hi, this is my first post here - hope it's the right place.

I am married to a dominant woman. She's always been dominant, and I guess that's what attracted me to her in the first place, although I wasn't aware of any submissive tendencies before I met her, and I certainly wasn't into BDSM or any kink.

We've been together about 6 years, and I love her very, very much. I can't imagine life without her.

She really enjoys beating me, it excites her. She has also experimented with chastity, denial, strap-on, and cuckolding. The problem I have is that I'm struggling a bit with getting my head round all this. I don't enjoy being beaten, or being locked in chastity. I quite enjoy the strap-on sex, it's pleasurable, and it makes me feel really submissive and inferior to her. Cuckolding is a turn on for both of us. The only sex I have had with her for the last couple of years has been strap-on sex, and giving her oral. She has stated that that's how it's going to be from now on. That's OK, I can live with that: I love her, and want to please her, no matter what.

My wife expects me to be completely submissive in all respects, outside of the bedroom. She expects me to be constantly at her beck and call, giving 100% of myself and my time to whatever she wants, whether it's just general assistance, or cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. OK, I understand this, but at the same time, I don't feel like this is all that enjoyable for me. My wife seems to expect that I will do this anyway, regardless of whether we have any D/S sex or not. But without the sex, I simply don't feel submissive, and begin to resent her demands on me and my time. But if I ask for sex, then she interprets it as a demand, an exchange, "you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours", when that's not how I mean it. What I'm trying to say is that its the sex that makes me feel submissive, and when I feel submissive, then I want to please her by doing all the chores she assigns me outside of the bedroom, gladly. But without the sex, I just don't feel submissive enough to want to please her.

Maybe I'm just not naturally submissive? Other guys seem eager and content to please women with no hope of any sexual activity. Am I being selfish? Some of you will no doubt say that I should just surrender, and be grateful for whatever I get. Perhaps... but I can't help thinking this should be enjoyable for both of us, not just one of us. I'd rather be submissive and take care of her because I want to, because I want to please her, because I love her, and because she fulfils my deepest desires, not out of fear of a beating. And the only way I can feel like that is through the sex. Take the sex out of the equation, and I just don't feel it.

Is there something wrong with me? Or is she dominating me in the wrong way (if indeed there IS a "wrong way")? I want to be the perfect husband, not the perfect prisoner. Should we be simply having more sex, more often? We currently have sex about once a month...

Any advice welcome, I'd be really grateful. I'm just not sure what I should be thinking....

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RE: struggling with submission - need advice? - 7/27/2009 4:22:03 PM

Politesub53

Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
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There isnt any right way, only what is right for you, either you are fully submissive or you are not. My thinking is there is a scale of submissiveness and dominance, I suspect the two of you are at vastly different points on that scale. The only advice i would give is to sit down and discuss it with her, dont lie just to keep the peace, as long term that wont help either of you.
Good luck.

(in reply to malkun)

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RE: struggling with submission - need advice? - 7/27/2009 4:40:25 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
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If you are at the point of resentment, you really need to get to some solutions. It's time to communicate with her and you may be preparing for that with your post and wanting information. But we are all different. In my world, things go both ways. We each must have some satisfaction in the situation or somebody is going to walk. Done or said respectfully, my submissive can say most anything to me and I will respect him and his needs. It doesn't detract from my dominance or how things will go. I feel that if resentment gets into things, the problem has gone too long without communication.

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RE: struggling with submission - need advice? - 7/27/2009 11:04:16 PM

XYisInferior

Posts: 166
Joined: 2/17/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: malkun
Maybe I'm just not naturally submissive? Other guys seem eager and content to please women with no hope of any sexual activity.

Don't be so sure; many males sell themselves on the idea they will be perfect domestic slaves and / or cuckolds in a dynamic structured around denial and chastity, but the ultimate reality is that's a road few can travel for long. Romantic delusion, sense of entitlement, jealousy, depression and resentment are feelings that are all too common. You are in a difficult situation that requires a thorough talk. The fact you're here on a message board asking for advice from clueless strangers about your relations is sign that communication needs to be focused upon much, much more. "Communicate" so often seems like such banal advice, but it never hurts.

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RE: struggling with submission - need advice? - 7/27/2009 11:18:31 PM

DePubed

Posts: 71
Joined: 6/23/2009
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"submission" and "domination" are psychological & emotional realities in our brains; if THOUGHT of in a positive way, we enjoy submission, but if THOUGHT of in a negative way, we resent our submission.
You are in that negative headspace where you resent that your submission is expected & demanded without the sexual-erotic context.
So, where do you go from that realization?
In my opinion, you are not going to be able to change your dominant wife's behavior; YOUR resentment may cause HER to resent you; and if she were to add some sexual aspects in order to placate you, SHE will not feel dominant, and, in fact, YOU wil not feel submissive as she will be doing as you directed, and your 'submission' is only when/how/ you enjoy it.
My own opinion is that the whole resentment that you feel is created in your own headspace--how you are thinking about your lifestyle; the healthy way to heal this is for YOU to re-think your situation. In other words, instead of expecting her to add the sexual context, YOU add it. How? kind of 'dominate' yourself in simple ways such as being naked at all times when in the home; keeping your body shaved hairless; beg her to impose chastity on you so that your own relief is (1) when she strap=on fucks you (which you enjoy) OR when your sexual energy is re-directed into household chores (which you resent as not being sexual). They can be very sexual if you do your chores in the nude, on all fours, wearing a collar, or if you beg for a beating first to get your mind in the right headspace. And maybe, just mayabe, if she sees you naked, shaved hairless, with your ass marked red from her beating of your ass, she wil be turned on and instigate some sexual context that will fulfill you both since it will be natural. To recap: the problem is in your mind, how you are looking at your lifestyle, and therefore, the solution is also in re-thinking (by you).

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RE: struggling with submission - need advice? - 7/27/2009 11:42:55 PM

IamShe

Posts: 24
Joined: 1/3/2009
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There is a difference between a man who is submissive and one who is taken advantage of, and/or taken for granted.

She's taking you for granted and is taking advantage of your long standing marriage to keep you dangling while she 'cuckolds' you by basically fucking around as she pleases.

A true sub male is a treasure. If she 'loves' you, she would appreciate the treasure, long to have sexual relations with you in a tender and intimate way as well as in a more BDSM oriented way vis a vis WIITWD, simply as an expression of her love for you.

If she has lost the need to express her love by engaging in close, tender, mutually satisfying sex, if she has drifted apart from you to the point that strapon sex is all she will permit, husband or otherwise, then she has lost her regard for you as a whole, multi faceted spirit.

Time to have the difficult conversations and ask those difficult questions:

Do you love me?
Do you appreciate and need our marriage to fulfill you?
Do you understand that I, as a man and as a submissive and as your husband, have specific needs that are not being addressed at all, much less being met?
Do you truly believe I am fulfilled with strapon sex with no real intimate connection?
Do you truly feel that cuckolding me is the only sexual intercourse I crave and desire with you?

Bite the bullet, and begin.

Let us know how things progress.

I am She

< Message edited by IamShe -- 7/27/2009 11:47:13 PM >

(in reply to malkun)

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RE: struggling with submission - need advice? - 7/28/2009 7:31:32 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53
My thinking is there is a scale of submissiveness and dominance, I suspect the two of you are at vastly different points on that scale.

I agree. Also, I think you two might express dominance and submission through different modes. She expects you to do some things for sake of submission. Those activities do not align with how you express submission and you feel you need to be put into a submissive mindset to do those activities.

I think it would also be helpful to compare notes on how you two receive and express love and fondness.

I don't think you can go very far if you force yourself to submit out of a sense of duty and doing so is creating resentment.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to Politesub53)

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RE: struggling with submission - need advice? - 7/28/2009 9:29:37 AM

darchChylde

Posts: 5279
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Warm Springs, GA but i live in San Francisco.
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The one thing that struck me in the OP is the question, "Am I being selfish?"

When will submissive men (and dominant women) understand that IT'S OK for the submissive to be selfish, at least to a point? One of the most important things about any relationship; be it vanilla, D/s or Santa and elf is that everyone must get their needs met. How can you tell there is trouble in a relationship? If the needs of one cannot be met without getting in the way of the needs of the other, then you've got a situation where not everyone is happy in the relationship. For myself, a relationship cannot last without being satisfying to me.

Yes, as a submissive, Ma'ams needs come first; but my needs are no less important.

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RE: struggling with submission - need advice? - 7/28/2009 10:09:42 AM

wineDineNtieMe

Posts: 52
Joined: 7/9/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IamShe

There is a difference between a man who is submissive and one who is taken advantage of, and/or taken for granted.

She's taking you for granted and is taking advantage of your long standing marriage to keep you dangling while she 'cuckolds' you by basically fucking around as she pleases.

A true sub male is a treasure. If she 'loves' you, she would appreciate the treasure, long to have sexual relations with you in a tender and intimate way as well as in a more BDSM oriented way vis a vis WIITWD, simply as an expression of her love for you.

If she has lost the need to express her love by engaging in close, tender, mutually satisfying sex, if she has drifted apart from you to the point that strapon sex is all she will permit, husband or otherwise, then she has lost her regard for you as a whole, multi faceted spirit.

Time to have the difficult conversations and ask those difficult questions:

Do you love me?
Do you appreciate and need our marriage to fulfill you?
Do you understand that I, as a man and as a submissive and as your husband, have specific needs that are not being addressed at all, much less being met?
Do you truly believe I am fulfilled with strapon sex with no real intimate connection?
Do you truly feel that cuckolding me is the only sexual intercourse I crave and desire with you?

Bite the bullet, and begin.

Let us know how things progress.

I am She

_____________________________

When everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know you're alive.
-Goo Goo Dolls, Iris

(in reply to IamShe)

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RE: struggling with submission - need advice? - 7/28/2009 11:26:05 AM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
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This is a thing that happens with many women, dominant or not. For whatever reason, a lot of women want to deny that sex and food are men's primary motivators. Even a dog needs to be petted and thrown a bone every now and then.

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RE: struggling with submission - need advice? - 7/28/2009 7:21:26 PM

cloudboy

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Joined: 12/14/2005
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I'm just curious, what does she do for you? Could you give a more detailed description of the division of labor?

Aside from drab, unfulfilling assignments, do you worry about being in a codependent relationship and missing out on developing your own individual interests?

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 7/28/2009 7:23:26 PM >

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