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When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 7/27/2009 4:01:06 PM   
DominaAmy925


Posts: 41
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline 		A friend of mine asked me this question today. It seems that in the beginning of their relationship the DS was working just fine, but now there is an issue with the vanilla side over taking their relationship. He dosen't want it to get out of control and end up a bf/gf thing. Any thoughts?



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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 7/27/2009 4:14:06 PM   
LadyNTrainer


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Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline 		That depends on what the people involved want out of the relationship.  I've had two D/s relationships turn much more romantic and vanilla than I had expected.  In the first case we turned out to be D/s incompatible which (among other things) basically killed the relationship; he almost never had an interest in playing and he mostly just wasn't very submissive.  The vanilla sexual energy was so intense that I can't say I really minded at first, but eventually it did end up being a deal breaker, and it definitely had a lot of negative impact even early on when the chemistry was still intense.  We just couldn't get past a certain level of intimacy, because while the vanilla thing was fun, it wasn't how I signed up to live my life and I just wasn't willing to progress any further with the relationship.

The second time it happened, the vanilla sexual chemistry was also extremely intense, but he was much more willing to put some time and energy aside for regular play sessions.  He was also willing to actually submit to me and work hard to please me even in a mostly vanilla interaction.  As a result that did work for both of us wonderfully well, and we are basically living happily ever after and being vanilla when we feel like it and kinky when we feel like it, with an underlying structure and dynamic of submission in the relationship that deepens and enhances it. 

Different folks want different things in their lives, especially at different times in their lives.  When I was younger I insisted on having a 24/7 slave; at this point in my life I'm quite happy to have a strong, competent, adult submissive partner who seems to be evolving into a co-top on occasion.  We may at some point add a third to our household, or we may not, but what we have works for us.  It might not work for someone who was in a headspace where they really wanted/needed more D/s and less vanilla.

It takes time, effort and energy to keep D/s going especially when there are vanilla temptations, and sometimes rituals or specific periods set aside for "high protocol time" can help as a reminder.


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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 7/27/2009 4:40:28 PM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		The big question is, was she a Domme when he met her?  if not, she may have been playing at it at first, and gotten tired of it.

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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 7/27/2009 5:18:47 PM   
DominaAmy925


Posts: 41
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline 		AS fare as I know she has been a sub for many years.

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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 7/27/2009 5:26:20 PM   
OttersSwim


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Status: offline 		Sthrn accidently posting under Otter.....

I guess I would need more specific information before I could give any thoughts and advice. As a 'general' answer, I would say they need to sit down and talk about what they both feel they want out of the relationship now, and where they would like it to go. A relationship is dynamic/alive (like a garden), and takes effort from all involved. It's important for them both to have an idea of what each other expects (or doesn't).  They can then chart a course and see where it goes. Frequent communication in the beginning is very helpful. Even more important is each partner owning their own feelings, without blame, and each creating a safe environment for the other to speak openly and honestly. This is not gender or orientation specific....all partners have this responsibility to the other.

Sthrn

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 7/27/2009 5:29:04 PM >

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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 7/27/2009 6:37:16 PM   
DominaAmy925


Posts: 41
Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline 		From my understanding they have talked about the issue many times, but both just talk and nothing changes. I have told him that they really need to work on it not just talk about. Sometimes talk is cheep and actions speak loader than words.

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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 7/27/2009 6:47:27 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I don't know if it applies, but the most common complaint that I hear about how the D/s just 'slipped away' was when the pair started letting the rituals and protocols get more lax as the relationship continued.  I catch a lot of flack from some for having a higher level of protocols and rituals, but these can help to reinforce the roles of the two participants.  There is no confusion about the D/s dynamic when parameters and boundaries are set in place.  Let those drop and it's easy to blur the line between the two types of relationships.

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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 7/27/2009 6:53:47 PM   
DominaAmy925


Posts: 41
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Status: offline 		I think you are right on that Ladypact, but what dose one do to bring that back into play when it is lost? I think that is more the issue now?

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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 7/27/2009 7:18:22 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		If it's about the play part of their relationship, I'd say re-establish those rituals that revolve around play.  Does the sub ever lay out the toys?  Present the bonds for their own binding?  Is the sub required to kneel and offer themselves before play begins?  For this particular pair, are there words or actions that can help to bring the sub to their center and the top to that center?

People think that rituals have to be these long, drawn out, scripted things, but they really don't.  They can be very simple things incorporated into a dynamic.  It can be something as easily done as, when it's time to play, My boy brings his restraints to Me, kneels, and offers them up to Me.  Something like this helps to get him in the right head space for whatever it is that I want to do.  Have your friend talk about what helps them get into that good head space and see if the partner is willing to make that a part of the scene.  It might help.


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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 7/28/2009 11:35:51 AM   
hereyesruponyou


Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline 		Sometimes life is just a vanilla thing. It's often those moments we treasure the most. At least for a time.

Another suggestion is to try something totally different that you might not even know you're interested in. My mostly Dom, switch partner recently decided to try a chastity device. He knew it was "my thing" but he was also a bit curious, i think. Well not only is he enjoying the control and sensations involved in me being the only one who  touches him when i allow it, but it's renewed in me my devilish side with him. I start to just take it off and the next thing you know he is tied down, in the fold, one hand in his ass the the other enjoying a little "touch thereapy"! 

Life is good immediately

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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 7/28/2009 7:39:53 PM   
DominaAmy925


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Joined: 11/23/2008
Status: offline 		I want to say thanks to all who responded....I will pass on all they advice you all have given.

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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 7/29/2009 11:49:00 AM   
SthrnCom4t


Posts: 343
Joined: 9/9/2007
Status: offline 		Tons of good advice as I scrolled down...I'd just add a few more tidbits.

One, have they specifically sat down and talked about anything in particular that might be sabatoging their dynamic? If outside influences have been ruled out (work, family, finances, etc), is it a behavior of the partner? I've seen a fair amount of  'loving the other person/not wanting to hurt them, etc', happen over time. Is one or the other not desiring power exchange, or not feeling sexual in general? Change of diet, more exercise, more sleep....weekend away?

Couple's exercise ......both separately make lists of what makes them feel X. (Toppy, subby, sexy, etc) The list could be divided into things the other person does, vs particular environment/sensation, etc. Compare and make a plan. If necessary, acknowledgment that one partner's needs are greater/less than the other. Work a solution from there? An additional play partner?

Life gets in the way, and so an acknowledgment by both to put energy into the dynamic is key. Preferably energy that is supportive of your partner, so it is additive and not undermining.

A few other things that can get the dynamic jump-started, as well as Lady P's advice above, would be erotica, going to a conference, seeing a demo, etc. There are videos you can buy online having to do with bondage techniques, flogging, CBT, etc.

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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 8/11/2009 2:48:16 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		Being Her chastized cuckold, Ma'am's slave doesn't think this could happen to Her dynamic with him.  If it were to, he doesn't think the dynamic could survive, as he was not made for vanilla relationships.

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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 8/11/2009 4:15:15 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		Protocal and rituals always acted as a reminder of my role with my former owner and I think we were always walking that line between a "nilla relationship" and a m/s one mostly because of our children. lol

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 8/11/2009 4:16:05 PM >

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RE: When vanilla takes over a DS relationship - 8/11/2009 5:47:22 PM   
sweetsub1957


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Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaAmy925

A friend of mine asked me this question today. It seems that in the beginning of their relationship the DS was working just fine, but now there is an issue with the vanilla side over taking their relationship. He dosen't want it to get out of control and end up a bf/gf thing. Any thoughts?




I'm kind of a little bit confused.  With Sir & I it is a bf/gf thing.....and it's a D/s thing.  Is it a case of there not even being the D/s power exhcange thing anymore either, or are they just backing off on the kink play for a little while? Sometimes Sir & I will have no kink play for whatever reason, but we always have the power exhcange, & we always come back to the kink too eventually.  It kind of ebbs and flows.

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