RE: Introducing gf to being a Domme

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RE: Introducing gf to being a Domme - 8/1/2009 8:41:43 PM

AAkasha

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Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Curiousrestricti

Im in the same position as you, being a mostly sub boy with a girlfriend who is a little curious, we have been together nearly 10 months now and we get along very well and have mostly vanilla sex. She seemed intrested in the kinky side of things when i first mentioned it and we bought some velcro cuffs and various things and everything was well and good. But somewhere along the line I started to try and give her "constructive feedback" about our kinky sessions and too cut a long story short, she didnt seem like she was enjoying much anymore some of the problem was i didnt want to critiscise her during sessions beacuse it kind of defeated the point of the dom dynamic to me. Anyway its a bit of a mine field if your partner isnt all that into the kinky stuff and could put a strain on things, plus I often felt like i was making her do kinky things to me which often spoilt it. I dont really know where im going with this anyway for al i know your girl could be alot more into kink. Basically dont push the issue too much beause sometimes it might just be your girlfriend trying to please you like it was in my case and then she may get issues with feeling like not what you want.
sorry for the pointless rant o.O

This is why I always recommend new couples (well, couples where the woman is new to BDSM and femdom) kind of ease up on the toys at first. The OP already has some great "starter toys" so my suggestion would be go with what you have, and use them at her pleasure/leisure.

The poster above brings up a good point though, and that's how to encourage your GF without giving her instructions too much or creating a dynamic that ultimately feels like she's just doing it to please you. Or where she feels burdened and has to 'do stuff.' As difficult as it is, the most important thing is to exercise patience and let her go at her own pace and learn in her own manner. Lots of threads here do cover this kind of thing, so use the search function and see what has worked for other couples.

The only other thing I would add is to make sure you balance your enthusiasm, feedback and the way you respond. You don't want her to feel like once you have a little kink, that's all you want. Keep the mix of vanilla:kink ratio still high on the vanilla side, or at HER pace, because some women feel like suddenly the guy just wants the kink. The same thing with feedback: Make sure you tell her how much you love it, how fun it is, but always do it in a way that builds her confidence! Don't make it about the kink: Make it about how the power exchange amplifies her sex appeal and beauty to you, but always drive home that it's the WOMAN behind the femdom who is the "goddess" - not just the sum of the toys and props.

And have fun!

Akasha

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(in reply to Curiousrestricti)

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RE: Introducing gf to being a Domme - 8/2/2009 9:04:26 AM

Curiousrestricti

Posts: 9
Joined: 6/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

Don't forget to do the non BDSM stuff. Give her a lot of personal service and pampering. Women LOVE that. Make all the kink really worth her while. It will definitely pay off.

Very good point and im doing alot more of that now with massages etc and occasionally playing silly games like footstool to help her get into the rioght frame of mind lol.

AAkasha makes excellent points, its so easy to let your drive for kinkyness get in the way of thinking about how your partner might feel about things when they may not be strongly dominant, espically if its your first dabblings in such things like it was for us. Im getting really good tips from this thread thanks everyone! ^^

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RE: Introducing gf to being a Domme - 8/2/2009 11:29:23 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Curiousrestricti

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

Don't forget to do the non BDSM stuff. Give her a lot of personal service and pampering. Women LOVE that. Make all the kink really worth her while. It will definitely pay off.

Very good point and im doing alot more of that now with massages etc and occasionally playing silly games like footstool to help her get into the rioght frame of mind lol.

AAkasha makes excellent points, its so easy to let your drive for kinkyness get in the way of thinking about how your partner might feel about things when they may not be strongly dominant, espically if its your first dabblings in such things like it was for us. Im getting really good tips from this thread thanks everyone! ^^

You are on the right track - keep it up.
Something to consider is that femdoms "get off" on different things than malesubs may expect (or desire in their fantasy), and it can vary greatly from woman to woman. Also note that even the most "organic" femdoms (ie, they got the idea to do this on their own, from their own lusts and urges) probably started out very, very slow and were not strapping it on, engaging in hardcore painplay or doing intense humiliation at the start -- AND, if presented with these activities, she could very possibly say, "Eww. That's just GROSS (or stupid, or lame, or embarassing)" - yet, many of us realize down the path we find those things fun, hot, incredibly erotic and VERY exciting...

What changes? I think femdoms evolve at a different pace than men. I also think for a lot of women (unless she is a sadist and a top and that's the end of the story - in which case you hit the jackpot!), power exchange and S&M is the sum of its parts: it's the emotional connection that it creates, the sensuality that can be developed, the freedom from WORRY, the pleasure that comes from playful cruelty. All these things though are like a dress that has to be put on and sized right for each woman. She has to feel "comfortable" in her "femdom skin." And she has to find it fun.

I think women, for the most part, find their "fun" in the reactions of the man. How he responds to her power. So be extra cautious to try to be engaging, colorful (but not silly and melodramatic), attentive (don't zone out, as much as you wish you could), and connected with her. Power exchange should create a stronger bond of emotion and interaction (she should FEEL like she is making you feel emotions, sensations, passion), not create a robotic and zoned out submissive. While I think for some ladies that idea of turning a man into a stoic, zoned out zombie from her intense topping can be hot, it's fairly universal that femdoms, new and experienced, like lots of reactions and responses. For new femdoms, this is how she builds her self image - so nurture it accordingly.

Akasha

< Message edited by AAkasha -- 8/2/2009 11:30:04 AM >

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