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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/30/2009 3:30:37 PM

heartcream

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" ...but at the length truth will out." Hating your emotions and controlling them in a way as not to have acceptance for them is pretty spooky business. This line of thought along with many others that seem to have no tolerance for things that are core just need more time to come to light.

Having emotions and realizing expressing them in front of someone may be dangerous is another thing. Denying them to your very self though, I dont know, that is ultimately way more dangerous.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/30/2009 9:25:39 PM

DemonKia

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FR, after read thru (& yeah, sneaking in here, CM junky that I am, while I'm on vacay -- but I needed some vacay from my vacay)

I had a paradigm to share on the topic of anger:

In some mental health contexts anger is discussed as a 'presenting' emotion, a surface feeling that is helping to protect the feeler's psyche by distancing the experiencer of the emotions from the underlying fear / pain / sadness / shame / humiliation / grief / embarrassment / frustration / etc-'negative'-feeling that are the 'source' of the anger. .. . . Also, as has been pointed out, above, anger can be useful in goading the person feeling it to take some action, action that may or may not deal with the underlying feelings out of which the anger is generated . . . . .

In addition to many of the points raised by previous posters to this thread, I found this framework for understanding anger useful in my coping with my emotional stuff. I'm a passionate person, tempestuous some, disciplined some . .. . . & looking for & dealing with unpleasant emotion(s) lurking down in the depths of my anger has helped me to get a better handle on the process of dealing with all my emotion states . . . .. .

Conversely, when I was a rage-stuffer, back in my dissolute youth, not only was I repressing / suppressing / avoiding / denying / ignoring / etc my own anger, but also those other uncomfortable emotions that the anger spun out of; now I tend to see anger (in myself & others) as a signifier that there's a good chance there's other stuff under there.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 7/31/2009 12:14:22 PM

Jeptha

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As others have mentioned, I think getting angry is fine, it's a question of finding ways to appropriately express it.

Well, I guess I'll modify that a little bit ; getting angry is fine, as long as it's not some kind of drama-fueled narcissistic constant.

I think you can choose to be angry or not about the randomly frustrating things that occur by keeping things in perspective. The universe isn't always going to bend to our will, after all.

Being angry in such instances is on some level absurd.

Because it's the nature of the universe to be mildly indifferent to your wishes in the moment. (I add italics because I actually do believe wishes can come true, -but that's another thread.)

It's like tripping on a rock and blaming the rock. Stupid, fucking rock!

On the other hand, it is a pisser that the universe doesn't grant all of our wishes instantly.

But what the fuck are you gonna do?

Shake your fists at god, you tiny emperor!

With interpersonal relationships, it's more complex. But in some ways it can be looked at in a similar manner, if you consider that people generally do what they think is in their best interests (even if they may be deluded about how that's going to happen.)

In both cases, the person and the rock, the thing is just what it is, and it does what it does, according to its nature. The person just has slightly more motive power than the rock.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 10/6/2009 7:39:29 PM

TNstepsout

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Jeptha- I really like how you write.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 10/6/2009 7:47:26 PM

sunshinemiss

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Temper and anger are amazing. Energizing. Sensual. Passionate. Glorious even.

It is like any tool - use it for good or turn it into a harmful weapon.
Your choice.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 10/6/2009 8:12:32 PM

DesFIP

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But Kia's got a damn good point. Anger is frequently not what the person is really feeling. Especially for men, it's considered fine to be angry but not to be sad or afraid. So if you allow yourself to lash out in anger, what you say will hurt and it won't help the situation because it isn't what's really causing you to lose control.

It's a lot better to say "When you smiled at that guy I felt unloved and unwanted, you pushed my buttons about being dropped in favor of someone cooler/hotter/richer" than it is to say "You're a heartless flirt and I can't trust you, I hate and detest you". Because if the second isn't true, it will still wound her and may well cause him to be dropped. So by allowing the anger free expression, it can cause to happen the very thing he's afraid of and covering up with the anger.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 10/6/2009 10:49:50 PM

Acer49

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quote:

ORIGINAL: olena

I read this all the time on boards like this and pretty much everywhere that temper is frowned upon like it is evil to have this human emotion outlet.

I understand when discussing people who live these things by playing with friends and strangers in local communities that one would be weary of a person who shows his temper often. But I do not understand this unrealistic negativity toward a person with a temper in a healthy and long term relationship. I also understand one in a long term relationship should not play with a temper in full bloom.

I hear words about controlling ones temper but a temper is a human emotions coming out of them and we as humans do not control the intensity of how we feel that we can pretend to throw away the emotions we find less cool. Temper is a venting mechanism of a human being to get rid of a lot of negative junk so one can feel better. I think it is a very good and healthy thing for a person to be able to vent this when they are feeling it as opposed to bottling it up or “controlling” it. To me the latter things are how bad things like hurting another person or pathetic passive aggressive behavior when one chooses to pretend they can control their temper. Because when we bottle up negative emotion it is not controlling it but making the venting of it in some way actually dangerous.

Dangerous and bad people may hurt people when they are mad but is not because of their temper but because they are bad and dangerous people.

Temper lies in the same area as passion within us. I want a man with passion and emotions and I do not want a robot. I am fine if this man comes with a temper. I am emotional and I have a temper and I am glad I do. Being in love and devoted to another is one of the things we crave about. This is so we can be ourselves and not worry about how our other judges us because they accept us for who we are. It is about letting them vent away if they are upset about something not worrying or caring about the tone because we know who they really are or sometimes it is about using that emotion and passion rising from it to have a really nice time in bed.

The problem with temper it usually go hand in hand with loss of control, this is when people say and do things they later regret. I do not believe a partner in a relationship should be used as a verbal punching bag. If one needs to vent there are more adult ways to achieve this goal. No, temper and passion are not the same thing. Just because is able to control ones emotions does not make them a robot, nor does it mean he will be less passionate in bed

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 10/7/2009 4:25:43 AM

Aneirin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

Temper and Passion are hot.

the.dark.

Passion is a good thing,it enhances so much, but temper, is a state of uncontrolled passion,with confusion and the primitive desire to destroy, a place where things can be done that we later regret.

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 10/7/2009 5:17:18 AM

Justme696

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Hmm we restart a thread of 3 months old? lol
Still an interesting one though

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RE: What is so bad about a temper? - 10/7/2009 7:19:38 AM

sunshinemiss

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Dude, wait till they bring up 3 year old threads that have a topic we discussed in a different thread three months ago. This ain't nothin!

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