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new(ish) dom, new relationship - 7/30/2009 11:14:36 PM   
LostPhoenix


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/24/2009
Status: offline 		So it's been quite a while since I've been in a d/s relationship, but that's exactly where I am now. Trust me, no complaints
I am quickly realizing I have a lot to (re)learn about being a dom.
and now to the real reason for this post, I am finding myself at a bit of a loss on how to proceed. My problem mainly stems from how to get a good solid basis for what's off limits and what she and I are wanting from the d/s side of things.
For most other things communication is great between us, but when it comes down to bdsm it's been trial and error so far. The only things I've been able to get a straight answer to so far has been hard limits. That's a start at least....
What I don't want to do of course is go too far without knowing and actually, truly hurt her. I have the impression that someone else has already done that (and maybe not accidentally). I think that may be a part of the reason that she has a hard time with laying out her fantasies, desires, and needs.
So I ask the community here, what would be a good approach? This is not a master/slave relationship and I truly do value her input.
So far I've come up with a few ways to get the information I want, my impressions, and progress on each:
trial and error: so far so good but it's slow. risky and good chance of missing something.
basic conversation: so far not so good. vague responses. again good chance i'll miss something.
20 questions: same as above, vague response.
interrogation: Might roll this into a session. tie her down and make her fill out a checklist.

Ideas anyone? Would like to get views from both doms and subs.



Profile   Post #: 1
RE: new(ish) dom, new relationship - 7/30/2009 11:32:26 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LostPhoenix

What I don't want to do of course is go too far without knowing and actually, truly hurt her. I have the impression that someone else has already done that (and maybe not accidentally).


This to me is a Line I tend not to be willing to cross. If a Girl has been abused and won't tell me about it. If I genuinely get the impression that there is something that is being hidden from me I STOP Dead Cold. Rape Victims Often have Triggers of Strange things. A Kiss on the Neck is Fine but get too close to her ear and she Freaks out and starts screaming and crying. Abuse Victims especially those of Sexual Abuse of Child Abuse tend to trigger on Smells and Tone of Voice and if I am not FULLY aware of the situation I cannot plan for possible Freak Outs and so I am going in Blind with a Fully Loaded Half Cocked person.

Beyond that I would say the Holy Trinity.

1) Direction - Have a Place you want to get to and always be moving toward it.
2) Purpose - Have a Purpose for what you do when you do it. Make everything be FOR something.
3) Integrity - Never Change your beliefs for someone elses comfort - Sometimes some things are just NOT MEANT TO BE!!!!!!!

If you follow that and try to always do no harm, you will always be at your best.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to LostPhoenix)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: new(ish) dom, new relationship - 7/30/2009 11:43:15 PM   
LostPhoenix


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/24/2009
Status: offline 		I don't think it was rape or serious abuse, but there are definatly some lingering effects in the background. some would call it baggage, others might say sensitive areas.
Some of it may just be that she doesn't know exactly what she wants or even needs. And if that's the case I want to help her find it.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: new(ish) dom, new relationship - 7/31/2009 12:18:16 AM   
subharlequin


Posts: 54
Joined: 2/20/2009
Status: offline 		have you two discussed how long she has been in the lifestyle or how long you have been in it/away from it? have you asked her why she is vague when you ask her questions? i know i can be pretty vague when i answer simply cause i have such little physical knowledge to go along with what i picture i will desire. or maybe sometimes i dont want to answer that i like or dislike something on the grounds of being a dissappointment for not enjoying what ever was planned.but then again sometimes i just embarrass myself when i admit out loud what i want to try. even knowing that communication is so very important for both of our sakes..it still can be hard.
i had a potential once tell me to write out  two lists..one for likes the thought of and one for hard limits..i went one further and made up another list of want to tries. each one i detailed what i thought about them... the reasons why i wanted to try and why i liked them or didnt like them. then we talked about each one. i found it easier to email the lists to him. then talked on the phone about them simply cause im much braver when not face to face. lol. maybe even getting her to write out her thoughts on the session(s) you've had up to date would help as well. i wish you both good luck :)

*i hope that all made sence lol*

(in reply to LostPhoenix)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: new(ish) dom, new relationship - 7/31/2009 3:31:15 AM   
Leonidas


Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline 		Yeah.  Give her the task (if she is willing, since it sounds like you're mostly doing play, not lifestyle domination right now), to either write some S/M erotica, or go find some that she really likes.  That will take some of the pressure off of her telling you directly what she wants.

Then, use your eyes and ears (and other sensory organs) to take in her responses to what you're doing.  When you are getting the responses that you are after, do more of that.  When you aren't, try something else.

Good luck.

_____________________________

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

(in reply to LostPhoenix)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: new(ish) dom, new relationship - 7/31/2009 5:18:11 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		There are checklists she can fill out. Then start with the stuff she marks as being wildly enthusiastic about trying.
Other than that, start exploring and communicate during it all. Make it clear there is no failure option here, it's like trying a new restaurant and deciding you do or don't like it.

And start slow, and watch her reactions. If she's enjoying it, that should be obvious. If she freezes, stops talking, won't make eye contact - that's a bad thing and time to stop and reassure her.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Leonidas)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: new(ish) dom, new relationship - 7/31/2009 5:30:58 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Give her time.  Once she's more comfortable with you, she'll open up.

Lay out YOUR fantasies and desires and see how she responds.  Implement them and give her positive feedback for pleasing you.  Not only will this build trust but it will be pleasing to you no end.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: new(ish) dom, new relationship - 7/31/2009 1:21:16 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Damn steel. Nice....

My last 20 points to you.

I sure do wish every struggling dom would have that post tattoo'd on the insides of their eyelids so that every time they blinked it would be subliminally reinforced.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: new(ish) dom, new relationship - 8/7/2009 1:11:44 PM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LostPhoenix

So it's been quite a while since I've been in a d/s relationship, but that's exactly where I am now. Trust me, no complaints
I am quickly realizing I have a lot to (re)learn about being a dom.
and now to the real reason for this post, I am finding myself at a bit of a loss on how to proceed. My problem mainly stems from how to get a good solid basis for what's off limits and what she and I are wanting from the d/s side of things.
For most other things communication is great between us, but when it comes down to bdsm it's been trial and error so far. The only things I've been able to get a straight answer to so far has been hard limits. That's a start at least....
What I don't want to do of course is go too far without knowing and actually, truly hurt her. I have the impression that someone else has already done that (and maybe not accidentally). I think that may be a part of the reason that she has a hard time with laying out her fantasies, desires, and needs.
So I ask the community here, what would be a good approach? This is not a master/slave relationship and I truly do value her input.
So far I've come up with a few ways to get the information I want, my impressions, and progress on each:
trial and error: so far so good but it's slow. risky and good chance of missing something.
basic conversation: so far not so good. vague responses. again good chance i'll miss something.
20 questions: same as above, vague response.
interrogation: Might roll this into a session. tie her down and make her fill out a checklist.

Ideas anyone? Would like to get views from both doms and subs.






I am wondering if this is something, after reflection, she is not as into as much as you and that 's why the reluctance?

(in reply to LostPhoenix)
Profile   Post #: 9
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