you're spinning and don't know it!

you're spinning and don't know it! (Full Version)

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LilMichele -> you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 11:04:33 AM)
I’ve had conversations with Dominant types, Master types, submissives and Switches, and more than one Domineering type that needs a xanax…and every now and then this comes up. I mention that a relationship ended and they tell me in no uncertain terms that I must fill the void! I will no doubt lose my submissiveness if I’m not properly taken care of and guided, and that how it must go against the grain of who I am to have no one to serve and that I’m spinning out of control - I just don’t know it because no one has shown me how to center myself and remain grounded! What? Where did this come from? What void? I’ve reviewed the conversations to try and see if there’s something I said to indicate that I’m spinning out of control and just dying to serve whomever comes along, and I’m pretty sure I haven’t. At first I thought this was some lame attempt at “you need me baby, let me take care of you” but then I heard this generalization about submissives from someone whose opinion I have great respect for. Yes, I asked him to elaborate, but he hasn't logged on in several days to check his mail so what the heck it's getting posted here, too. Is this a pervasive belief that a submissive must be serving someone or he/she is a mess? Is this true? Because I’m not a mess. Carreer’s fine, family’s great, finances are in order, I go out with friends, I even gasp went on a date or two - one with someone I met on CM even! Tongue in cheek I ask, if a submissive is without a Dominant/Master and is not a mess - are they really a submissive? Are they in danger of becoming something else entirely? Am I about to turn into a pumpkin at midnight? smiles michele

DarkSteven -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 11:40:38 AM)
My thoughts... if a submissive goes for a while without a Dominant, he or she gets unused to serving. So it'll take longer to get back in the groove. It's not a big thing. But since your previous relationship was vanilla, that shouldn't apply.

AnimusRex -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 11:46:45 AM)
Your first instinct was correct: it IS a lame attempt by them to...."fill your void" When you need someone, you will know it.

pyroaquatic -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 11:59:49 AM)
Spinning? I don't know about that. Maybe a tad bit rusty.

lizi -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 12:07:37 PM)
I both agree and disagree. I agree that it looks as though some of these people may be trying to get into your pants or at the very least giving you silly advice. On the other hand I find that even though I am a very confident and competent woman I've noticed that I do better when I have someone in my life that provides me with direction. It's a personal thing. You may not need the same thing, which is why I said I think it's silly for someone to give you advice that 'all' submissives need the exact same thing. One size never fits all but there may be some similarities in a group of people with similar personalities. I think it's almost always a mistake to fill a relationship void just because the spot is empty. There's no replacement for careful consideration...especially in D/s. Plus doesn't it seem rather disrespectful to choose someone because hurry....I must have someone....now! I'd think the person you would want to be with would want you to choose them for some personal reason, not that they simply fill a void.

xiam -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 12:26:00 PM)
I have quite a few voids in my life, some of which will never be filled. It wasn't until the last year or two that i realised i didn't even need to try; letting them remain empty and being comfortable with it is not a bad thing at all .

CatdeMedici -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 2:11:39 PM)
quote: My thoughts... if a submissive goes for a while without a Dominant, he or she gets unused to serving. So it'll take longer to get back in the groove. It's not a big thing. DS you are not serious about this are You?[:-]

LilMichele -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 2:24:15 PM)
On the flip side, if a Dominant has no one to dominate, no one to direct, does the Dominant then get all rusty? It has been my experience that Dominants like to say it's not something they do it's who they are. Hmmm....maybe i will ask that question if i ever find myself in the discussion of me losing my subbyness if i'm all by my lonely unguided self for too long. xiam and lizi, i couldn't agree more! Both the learning to get by without what might be missing and never never just jump into the next relationship because one is lonely from the loss of the previous one. Thank you all for your responses!

Lostkitten3 -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 2:26:27 PM)
I would rather have no one in my life, except friends of course, than a bad man. As to getting "out of practice" what was the line from the movie nerds? "We are better at sex because it's all we think about." I have been more submissive and better at serving my truly appreciative and benevolent Master than any of the other "masters" who have tried to impose my subservience. I didn't need training, simply a will to please him. And the fact that he is pleas-able makes it so much more rewarding and easy for me. (Yes, it's a cyclic event!)

DesFIP -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 3:31:04 PM)
I'm submissive to one. Just any guy wouldn't do to fill my void. It's just a lame come on, ignore it.

leadership527 -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 3:40:25 PM)
I spent many long seconds pondering the perfect response to the whole theory and then it hit me like a bolt from the blue! snorts OK seriously... for starters I tend to hook up with women who are not in a state of emotional distress. I don't know about others, but I got over my wet puppy phase a long time ago. So if the only available subs are "spinning" ones, then I guess after Carol (god forbid) it's gonna be vanilla for me. I've got my life sorted out pretty nicely now and I don't see a lot of good reasons to import a raft of problems. Secondly, pretty much every submissive I know declares loudly that they are not simply acting in some role... their submissiveness is a core part of their being. So how the hell does one "lose" the core part of one's being? What? Under the nightstand? In the dryer? At most, I can see like DarkSteven said, that part of your personality might get a little dusty from disuse. Even that doesn't seem all that likely to me though. I mean seriously, I exercise my dominance pretty much throughout my entire life in every situation I'm in. If I were without Carol, I'd still be "me" and I'd still be going through life in a mostly dominant stance. Suggesting that I could even "get rusty at being dominant" is kind of like saying I'd get rusty being Jeff.

AnimusRex -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 4:32:26 PM)
Michele- We may be referring to different things- Some things, like handling a bullwhip, are skills that need constant practice; other things, like the way in whcih a Man controls a girl, and guides her, are really things that vary depending on the girl- applying what you did with your last girl to this one is usually a bad idea; So no matter how long a Dom goes without a submissive, some things never get rusty- the desire to control and Dominate. But being without a partner- one who matches you like the matching puzzle piece you were born without...ahh, that is as painful as a rusty nail.

littlewonder -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 5:24:54 PM)
When I hear people say that you must fill the void I immediately wonder about their lives. I was single for over 8 yrs before I hooked up with Master. Fill the void? I did what I've always done when I was single...went out and had fun with friends, traveled, read, worked, went out on dates but nothing serious and spent time alone. Don't worry about what others tell you and do what you feel is right for you. There's no need to "fill a void".

janiebelle -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 5:52:53 PM)
Spinning out of control? Pfft... do these guys really think that they know more than you do about your state of mind? It's a lame attempt on their part to "fill your void". Just because you manage to hold your life together sans un dom doesn't make you any less submissive than you were when you were collared. That said, I also think that living without that domination forces you to handle things in a different way than you did when you had that presence in your life. So in that respect, yes, you do fall into habits that may be contradictory to your behavior when you are in a relationship. But there's no reason that it won't come back. After all, there will be adjustments to be made with any new relationship- whether you start it next week, next year, or next decade. The time frame has little to do with adjusting to a new relationship. j

antipode -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 6:03:09 PM)
quote: What? Where did this come from? What void? Don't believe everything you need.... I think you're referring to the void between their ears.. [;)]

ShaharThorne -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 8:43:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: antipode quote: What? Where did this come from? What void? Don't believe everything you need.... I think you're referring to the void between their ears.. [;)] [sm=agree.gif]

DavanKael -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 10:05:57 PM)
If I listened to everything every person who chose to impart an opinion said, I really would be spinning, into insanity. Jeez, just last evening, some stellar example of why some people ought opt out of the gene pool was going on at me about how I need to be 'convinced' by the right person to breed and how I'd make fabulous girl babies. (Creepy!!!) Anyway, so, I was with a very vanilla guy for 17 years. At the ripe old age of 19 or 20, I asked him if we could incorporate power dynamics into our relationship and he said no. I did naturally serve quite a lot, though and vanilla-boy certainly took note when aspects of servitude he most enjoyed were withdrawn as our relationship declined. I had 1 overtly D/s relationship during my marriage and I was not the more submissive one in that venture. Got into a relationship very quickly after separating form my ex- that was strongly based on power dyanamics (As well as affinity, regard, etc.) and we flowed together so well, vanillas thought we'd been married for years and bdsm-ers frequently complimented my service to him which wasn't an effort, by the way, it was my natural inclination to behave that way toward him as a person with that station in my life. Soooooo, unless submission is just a role-play thing, no, I don't think you're going to lose it. And, this person who suggests you're spinning...maybe suggesting that they spin out of your orbit would be in your best interests. Best wishes, Davan

Lockit -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 10:54:57 PM)
Wow... I think they were talking about their imperfections! Maybe they must fill the void or somehow come out lacking. Sounds like a personal problem to me and a cheap shot. I think my answer would have been... Any dominant worth much of anything would enjoy a strong woman who doesn't need to fill a void and would enjoy her training dusty, rusty or not. Like a person loses all without a dominant in their life? A submissive so weak in personal strength or as a submissive that they will spin out of control? They saw an opportunity to grab on to something they most likely cannot get on their own and they are the one's lacking something.

Lockit -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 10:56:29 PM)
Davan, I love the picture! Very, very nice!

sweetsub1957 -> RE: you're spinning and don't know it! (8/1/2009 11:34:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: antipode quote: What? Where did this come from? What void? Don't believe everything you need.... I think you're referring to the void between their ears.. [;)] [sm=LMAO.gif] The only time I ever felt a void like I was spinning out of control was when I had sub frenzy for awhile after first discovering kink. And sub frenzy is NOT a good thing to have. I'm glad that was over long ago!

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