Contradictory Emotions

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dsjen -> Contradictory Emotions (2/20/2006 9:57:30 PM)
Hey everyone - obviously a newbie on this site, though I've been floating around as "Guest" on the forum boards for some time. I have an issue that has completely confounded me. I've been with my current Dom since October of last year. We met at a social scene, and hit it off well. In fact, as soon as I played with him for a few minutes, I said to myself "this is the one". I've been looking for a true Master for a while now, and it seems I've found one. We aren't Master and slave yet, but he is training me, and I'm hoping that soon I will be allowed to address him as "Master" and be collared. However... Some issue has popped up that I didn't even know was there. As I've been falling harder and harder for my Dom, I've been craving more - more intense sessions, more cruelty, more humiliation, the whole package. I've known this is who I am for a long time now, even if I couldn't put a name to it. I've actually been in the lifestyle for about 2 years now. In the grand scheme of things, I realize this is not really a long time. But, I know myself pretty well - I'm very intuitive, and I've taken a few psychology classes here and there. For as long as I've know that I'm submissive, I've accepted it. I've never had a problem with it, despite some issues with my family when I finally let the cat out of the bag. Now, however, I seem to be having problems with the way my Dom treats me. It seems the more I care for him, the more I love him, the harder I take it when he beats me or uses me for his pleasure. As much as I like it and crave the use and abuse...it hurts me (and not in a good way, either). It hurts my emotions and my heart that he could care for me and still do these things to me. Yet I still want them. Now, we've had 2 scenes in a row go bad. I've reacted badly to them, been breaking down emotionally afterward. As much as my Dom and I are well-matched, he has a very difficult time understanding emotions. He is very much intellectual, while I run my life by my emotions. We've dealt with it so far, but when I tend to get too emotional, or when I break down and sob uncontrollably after a bad scene, he tends to call me silly, just because he doesn't understand. I realize that he doesn't understand, and I've tried to explain that what gives him a psychological high (spanking/beating me, being cruel and hurting me, dominating me etc.) can sometimes be too hurtful for me. And, he still doesn't get it. In fact I'm at a loss to understand why my emotions are throwing me in complete disarray now, instead of earlier. This is the stuff I love - I live for it. I've fought hard and worked my butt off to get in this lifestyle. It's part of me and I know it's not going to go away. Even now, I want it very badly, but...I'm afraid. I'm afraid of him, of the pain, and I'm afraid of the things I love to do, because I'm afraid they are going to hurt me in a bad way. So...has anyone had a problem like this? Emotions getting in the way of the lifestyle? What on earth is happening to me, and what do I do about it?

BitaTruble -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/20/2006 10:07:47 PM)
My heart goes out to you. I need to ponder on your words a bit and reflect. This must be so difficult for you, but I did want to make a quick note and let you know that your post has been read. More later.. Hang in there.. Celeste

theRose4U -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/20/2006 10:08:38 PM)
Just because I seem to be missing something...does he have any idea what after care IS? Sub drop and the emotional aftermath in some people can last for days. In my mind it is important to care for your toys if you expect to be able to play with them later.

DragonNphoenix -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/20/2006 10:18:24 PM)
Sub drop is a normal event. Your emotions are not getting in the way.. really. This is normal for one experiencing such an edorphine rush. Your emotions are acting wildly because you are experiencing new things. Adding the emotions that you say you are feeling for your Dom are adding to this. You might want to think about this and find a way to express what you are feeling and discuss this with Him. If he knows what you are going through he might be able to help you more. You are in my thoughts, email us directly if you ever need to talk. 1st Girl Phoenix

xXXsubliviaXXx -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/20/2006 10:22:12 PM)
dsjen, Sometimes after a really intense session, you release alot of emotions, (uncotrollable crying, anger,sadness etc...) but I am not sure if that is what you are experiencing. It could be that you are not a masochist. Some people need to submit but do not need intense pain in sessions. If you are feeling used and abused after the sessions maybe you need to take a good look at what's gioing on before you session again. Have you talked with your Master about this in detail??... Is there any after care??

BitaTruble -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/20/2006 10:33:16 PM)
jen, A few questions.. have you completely discounted any medical cause for your emotional swings?? Are you pregnant or have you changed your method of birth control recently? Stopped or started any medications? Had a job change, life change, death in the family or anything else which you can think of which coincides with this change? Have you noticed any pattern to the swings? Have you considered taking a step back, as in a break for a bit? Does he love you as you love him? Celeste - still pondering

Submotive -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/20/2006 10:40:33 PM)
Don't know how long you and Your Master knew each other before Y/you began being more involved. i find that really learning the nature of another is critical to good interaction. From what i've seen too many people become seriously involved without honestly knowing themself or their P/partner well enough.

mistoferin -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/20/2006 10:45:11 PM)
Hi jen and welcome to the boards. It is difficult to say exactly what the root cause is of what you are experiencing. BitaTruble has posed some very good questions. A few more things that I would like to throw out... It could be that you have not yet resolved within yourself the conflict over wanting this so badly...and what you have most likely been programmed to believe all of your life...that this is wrong. It may be feelings of guilt related to those past messages...or just confusion in trying incorporate your "new" feelings into your life. It may be that you are moving a bit faster than your mind can assimilate...or maybe are playing at a level that you are not yet comfortable with or ready for. It could also be as others have said...a form of sub drop. This affects everyone differently it seems...and sometimes it is extreme...some don't experience it at all. It could also be an aftercare issue....is your Dominant tending to your needs after. Physical? Emotional? Is he validating your worth? Expressing his pride and pleasure in you? Whatever the cause, I see this as an opportunity for you and your Dominant to have some very open communication. If you explain to him that you are coming out of this feeling victimized...and that is in stark contrast to your wants and needs...he may understand and be able to adjust some of the things he is doing. Possibly lighten up a bit...possibly provide more in the aftercare department. I find that debriefing after a scene (as soon as you are coherent enough) to be very beneficial for both parties. Both can benefit greatly from the feedback of the other as it is quite often the case that they have both processed the scene in completely different ways.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/20/2006 10:56:36 PM)
erin: What great points you have made, that many can benefit from.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/21/2006 5:55:08 AM)
I'm not getting whether this overwhelming stuff occurs IN the scene or at the end/after the scene, that would make a difference. It very well might be just as simple as this whole mixture is too intense for you right now and you need to ramp things down a few notches, get accustomed and then go back into it (I'm talking about the kinky play, not the relationship itself). Stopping or slowing down is hard, but it's not the death of things and might be exactly what you need here.

littleone35 -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/21/2006 6:18:38 AM)
hi jen it is great that you are asking other subs/slaves for advice but you should really tell your Master what you just told us. He might not be as emotional as you are but if he loves you he will listen and maybe try to help you with what you are feeling. That being said sub drop is very common and after care is very very important. You did not say if there was any. The best advice i can give you is talk to your Master. Matt's littleone

dsjen -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/21/2006 11:08:55 AM)
Ok, to clarify. Yes, my Master does give after care, plenty of it, and he's very very gentle with me. He tells me I did very well, that he's proud of me, and he lets me know that I am very cared for. I think, though, that since I haven't had to deal with this before, it's been really overwhelming for me. All the scenes I've been in were not as intense, and they weren't with someone I truly cared for romantically. It's always been go to the local munch, go to the dungeon and get beat, say thanks, and go home. I've never needed a lot of after care before. It's just surprised me that it's hit me this hard. Yes, I've been going through a lot of stuff at home, too. My family's financial situation is very very strained right now, and we don't really know how much longer we are going to be able to stay in our home. Things have recently started to look up, but we just about hit rock bottom a few weeks ago. I'm sure that has something to do with my stress level. Add in starting a semester of really strenuous classes and 30 hours of work per week...yeah, I'm stressed. And my Master's intensity in each session has increased, especially since we decided to begin my training as a slave. Oh yes, this stuff usually occurs after the scene. During the scene I'm usually...almost shocked, I guess. I'm not feeling much of anything, though it's been getting worse. Sometimes, the scene is goes bad in the middle. Thank you all for your input it is much appreciated. I needed some people to bounce ideas off of, so keep the comments coming. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Firmmaster4u -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/21/2006 4:54:43 PM)
you offer very good advice littleone35 talking is so important its whats keeps people together wish i could have been told more things

ownedgirlie -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/21/2006 5:11:33 PM)
i tend to agree with LA on this one. You may just be going too intensely, too fast. i tend to feel very stressed after i have been pushed to the edge (sometimes it really feels like i am barely hanging onto my sanity). Then that happens, it takes me days to process what i am feeling. Being pushed to the edge of your mind doesn't have to occur in every training session, however (if he did that i think i would just jump at some point!). Best thing you can do is talk to him about it, and explore the depths of you that are generating these feelings. i do wish you well with it; i know it must be confusing.

Ms4realone -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/21/2006 9:20:02 PM)
I dont know the protocol here..being new to this site...but as a Dominant woman...and as a woman...there are conflicting things happening when you submit to someone you have romantic felings for. I heard Laura Antinieu (?) ( The author of the Marketplace books) give a reading once, then she introduced her lover and parner and then her submissive. She said she could not treat her lover the same way as she could her submissive, becasue she could not "hurt" the one she loved. Now that is only her opinion...but at the time I was seeing a submissive I was involved with romantically and it was very hard to give him that extra lash..that extra punishment...because in many ways we want to tend to the ones we care about....not to say I stopped, but that it was a conflict....until we resolved it with good communication., so that it met both our needs and we understood that what was happening was not going to endanger our feelings for one another, or that my seemingly callous attitude at times was going to make him doubt my feelings for him....as he was beginning to feel. This is a dance between two consenting adults who NEED this in their lives. If you are open about your feelings you are not silly, you are being strong and secure about who you are what you are giving to him. He should respect that, and be lucky to have you as a result.

TheEmber -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (2/21/2006 10:16:30 PM)
One of the most basic issues here is the contrast between what is deemed a 'normal' expression of emotions in a relationship and what is termed 'demented', in other words, what those of us on these boards, or others like this one, enjoy. Most children are not raised in a BD/SM household, and even if this kind of a relationship is present in the household, children are usually shielded from it in one way or another, if only to avoid really strange questions from teachers at conference days. We are programmed, for lack of a better term, to anticipate certain things from a 'standard' relationship, and one of the earliest things beat into our heads, no pun intended, is that of integrity and strength of character. Frequently, especially for female submissives, it is very difficult to rationalize the desire to be beaten/degraded/[insert term here] with the standard upbringing they receive from parents, grandparents, and even their peers. When I first started truly discovering the depths of my enjoyment in being a dominant, I had a truly horrid time of it, since my grandfather was one of the strongest male influences on my life, hands down. I truly wanted to be like this man, at least in most facets of my life, and one of the earliest lessons he gave me was that you never, ever hit a woman. Seeing as how I am neither homo- or bi-sexual, I had to come to terms with my desire to inflict pain, in vaying degrees, to a woman and at the same time hear his voice in my head telling me that what I was doing was wrong. To some degree, years later, I still have this problem plaguing me, although I am more at peace with myself over it than I was at the beginning. My current submissive has tastes for things that I have little experience with, except for having some of them done to me as a child, which brings up the issue of possible abuse in the past that is subconsciously buried as a self defense mechanism of the mind. My advice, although I would never suggest it be taken as gospel for anything but my own life, would be to sit down and probe in your own mind and find your own reasons for why you want what you want from your dominant/master. Is it fulfilling some intrinsic longing or void you feel inside of yourself? Does that void come from a lack of self worth, or from something else? To some degree, I do understand why BD/SM, and it's attendant related subjects, was once listed as a mental illness in the original D.S.M. Frequently, there are triggers within us that the lifestyle either fulfills, sate or staves off for the time being. I would suggest that you understand yourself, and your reason/motivations before you continue the relationship. There are obviously issues in your mind that you have to resolve, and frankly, your dominant/master is not going to be of that much use to you except as moral support, for lack of a better term. There is a reason behind the emotional trainwreck that happens for you, and to avoid causing permanent mental damage, which is a viable possibility depending on how hard you crash, how often and a few other variables, and you are the only one that can discover these motivations and explanations. It might take a few minutes or it might take a lifetime. You said that you are deeply devoted to this dominant/master. You owe it to him to give him a whole and complete you, not a handful of shattered slivers of mirror, each reflecting a specific aspect of you. More so, though, you owe it to yourself to know yourself better than he ever can. Once you understand what causes the emotional responses you are having, you can begin to deal with the subconscious influences that bring them to bear. Again, and I cannot say it strongly enough, this is just my opinion. I spent several years almost loathing myself. I didn't find peace until I learned to accept both halves as a single whole of who I am. I pray to the Goddess that you find your peace sooner rather than later.

dsjen -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (3/2/2006 9:33:55 PM)
Ok guys...been a while, I know. I want to thank you all for your advice, and help. My Master and I got things worked out, we're taking it a bit slower, and I'm learning how to communicate with him a little better. Communication is the key to just about everything. So, thank you all, again, for giving me your ideas and opinions. jen

mysterydancer -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (3/3/2006 8:04:10 PM)
i think that there may a couple of issues going on: one is what DragonNphoenix said, sub drop, which can at times be a scary and confusing thing. i have experienced it and the first time it happened i did not know what was happening to me and was a bit scared of what was happening emotionally as well as physically. Also, i have found that the more you get to know someone and the more you love a person the more difficult it can become. So many other emotions come into play that it can also make it confusing and scary. The more we learn about each other, the more we care, the more the dynamic of the relationship can change. What is so very important is how that learning and changing is dealt with. It may become hard to deal with the notion that the one we love so much beats us and humiliates us. But what must be understood is that it is done with so much love and is a very beautiful thing. For my Dom and i it is what brings us together, it is an expression of our love for each other, our committment to each other. It makes me feel very loved and makes me feel closer to her because not only is it her need to fulfill, and mine as well, but we are also sharing her love with me. i would agree with the others that the best thing to do is to talk to your Dom, let him know what you are feeling. Communication is an absolute must in this lifestyle and without it things can go very wrong. Try not to be scared of what you are feeling but embrace it, learn and communicate.

PenelopePitstop -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (3/4/2006 4:00:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dsjen Hey everyone - obviously a newbie on this site, though I've been floating around as "Guest" on the forum boards for some time. I have an issue that has completely confounded me. I've been with my current Dom since October of last year. We met at a social scene, and hit it off well. In fact, as soon as I played with him for a few minutes, I said to myself "this is the one". I've been looking for a true Master for a while now, and it seems I've found one. We aren't Master and slave yet, but he is training me, and I'm hoping that soon I will be allowed to address him as "Master" and be collared. However... Some issue has popped up that I didn't even know was there. As I've been falling harder and harder for my Dom, I've been craving more - more intense sessions, more cruelty, more humiliation, the whole package. I've known this is who I am for a long time now, even if I couldn't put a name to it. I've actually been in the lifestyle for about 2 years now. In the grand scheme of things, I realize this is not really a long time. But, I know myself pretty well - I'm very intuitive, and I've taken a few psychology classes here and there. For as long as I've know that I'm submissive, I've accepted it. I've never had a problem with it, despite some issues with my family when I finally let the cat out of the bag. Now, however, I seem to be having problems with the way my Dom treats me. It seems the more I care for him, the more I love him, the harder I take it when he beats me or uses me for his pleasure. As much as I like it and crave the use and abuse...it hurts me (and not in a good way, either). It hurts my emotions and my heart that he could care for me and still do these things to me. Yet I still want them. Now, we've had 2 scenes in a row go bad. I've reacted badly to them, been breaking down emotionally afterward. As much as my Dom and I are well-matched, he has a very difficult time understanding emotions. He is very much intellectual, while I run my life by my emotions. We've dealt with it so far, but when I tend to get too emotional, or when I break down and sob uncontrollably after a bad scene, he tends to call me silly, just because he doesn't understand. I realize that he doesn't understand, and I've tried to explain that what gives him a psychological high (spanking/beating me, being cruel and hurting me, dominating me etc.) can sometimes be too hurtful for me. And, he still doesn't get it. In fact I'm at a loss to understand why my emotions are throwing me in complete disarray now, instead of earlier. This is the stuff I love - I live for it. I've fought hard and worked my butt off to get in this lifestyle. It's part of me and I know it's not going to go away. Even now, I want it very badly, but...I'm afraid. I'm afraid of him, of the pain, and I'm afraid of the things I love to do, because I'm afraid they are going to hurt me in a bad way. So...has anyone had a problem like this? Emotions getting in the way of the lifestyle? What on earth is happening to me, and what do I do about it? You sound a bit like me, but I have a tendency to overanalyse myself so I'll share my findings. You say you have fought for this lifestyle - I do know what you mean by that, i guess you have at some point at least tried the whole "this is bad, wrong, not normal, oh what will other people think, oh f**k it i'm coming out I've had enough of this" approach. You say you've never had a problem with it, but I do feel there are some subconscious blocks in there. Thinking is not the same as doing, and now you are doing. In fairness, it just isn't logical that pain could represent pleasure. Lots of people struggle with this concept. I suppose one way to look at it is that one can't exist without the other. What they don't tell you is that as soon as the floodgates of a lifetime of pent-up frustrations open, BOY do they open, suddenly you are confronted with a whole new set of possibilities, it's like playing catch-up. It's a huge change and change is always traumatic. You've met someone who represents the end of your search, this is a big stress on the system no matter how nice it's supposed to be. It's like the mental equivalent of "what now?". There are feelings that have served you well in the past, the cautious, proper, logical 'you', being afraid of pain being one of them and it would be a miracle if they were to suddenly disappear (not to mention unhealthy). There's a lot to get used to, a whole new level of communication to learn, This IS a big deal and if your Dom doesn't understand that, then it sounds like he needs to brush up on his emotional skills and be a bit more patient with you. I guess what I'm saying is, there's a certain amount of 'resetting' going on now, a lot of your needs have been dealt with and replaced with new ones, now you need to identify what those new needs are and how best to bring them into your life.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Contradictory Emotions (3/4/2006 8:26:26 AM)
Penelope, you characterize the emotions that occur "when the flood gates open" fantastically! Wow that is exactly what occurred with me as well. i personally thank you for your input here, because i believe the description you just posted can help SO MANY submissives who are just beginning to discover this part of themselves. If i had seen a post like that when i was realizing "There's a name for this," i would have found comfort and reassurance in your words.

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