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Initial contact - 2/21/2006 9:40:11 AM   
DestinyCommander


Posts: 30
Joined: 2/17/2006
Status: offline 		I have a question about who makes the first contact in a D/s relationship, from the sub's point of view. I am curious whether subs generally find it within themselves to contact those doms that they are interested in, or if making that contact is too "dominate" of an action and they wait to be contacted.

I ask this, because in the vanilla dating world, it is usually up to the guy (assumed dominate) to initiate contact with the girl (assumed sub). Does this dynamic translate into the BDSM world, or are there other factors that affect how this works.

Thanks.

-- Des
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Initial contact - 2/21/2006 9:44:27 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Well, only speaking for myself here

I personally don't see a problem with either one initiating contact. If you see someone you are interested in, whether Dom or Sub, then speak up. If the person you are contacting does not like it, then, oh well.

/shrug



_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to DestinyCommander)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Initial contact - 2/21/2006 10:02:17 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Do whatever works for you- be yourself. This applies to any question you may have on what's appropriate in getting to know someone and hoping to form a relationship.

Some doms will love it, some doms will hate it. This is true no matter what "it" is.

Acts are neither submissive nor dominant in and of themselves- although there are plenty of stereotypical groupings of actions.

Do what resonates best for yourself.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DestinyCommander)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Initial contact - 2/21/2006 10:14:13 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Acts are neither submissive nor dominant in and of themselves


Excellent point LA, a lot of the time it is HOW it is done rather than what is done that makes it a submissive or a Dominant act.

To the OP and in agreement with Irish: There are a lot of people on this site, a lot of profiles. No matter if you are a Dom or a sub, if you see someone you think maybe a likely match for what you are looking for then you best make some effort to make contact because chances are that otherwise they may simply not notice your profile amongst the many others out there. Even if you are a perfect match for what they are looking for too.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Initial contact - 2/21/2006 2:46:02 PM   
Slaveless1


Posts: 105
Joined: 11/22/2005
Status: offline 		I suppose I can jump right on the band wagon with the rest of yall. It is true I have been contacted by subs and makes no differance to us at all. It is not the act of contact that makes one sub or master. If one wants something then both have to go after it no matter what you consider yourself to be.

(in reply to DestinyCommander)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Initial contact - 2/21/2006 3:37:31 PM   
FTopinMichigan


Posts: 571
Joined: 7/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DestinyCommander

I ask this, because in the vanilla dating world, it is usually up to the guy (assumed dominate) to initiate contact with the girl (assumed sub). Does this dynamic translate into the BDSM world, or are there other factors that affect how this works.



In the vanilla world....men are "assumed" dominate and women are sub? Really? I've never heard that.

K

(in reply to DestinyCommander)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Initial contact - 2/21/2006 3:38:59 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FTopinMichigan


quote:

ORIGINAL: DestinyCommander

I ask this, because in the vanilla dating world, it is usually up to the guy (assumed dominate) to initiate contact with the girl (assumed sub). Does this dynamic translate into the BDSM world, or are there other factors that affect how this works.



In the vanilla world....men are "assumed" dominate and women are sub? Really? I've never heard that.

K


LOL that raised the hairs on my neck also, but I chose to leave it alone.


_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to FTopinMichigan)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Initial contact - 2/21/2006 3:48:32 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FTopinMichigan
In the vanilla world....men are "assumed" dominate and women are sub? Really? I've never heard that.

K

Well it's true and we know it! People make assumptions based on gender/age/race/etc all the time, certainly in the scene.

Gender stereotypical roles are often transferred into Ds stereotypical roles. Therefore something like "The man always pulls the chair out for the lady" gets transferred to "The dom always pulls the chair out for the sub."

This is extremely common in hetero fem sub relationships.

I always find it fascinating how people choose which acts are "appropriate" and whether they are based on what they consider societal roles, orientational roles, or just their own preferences.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Initial contact - 2/21/2006 4:44:44 PM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		I have never contacted a Dom i was too busy dealing with all the e mails i got to contact anyone lol. I have nothing againest it if i had the time and found someone i liked i would have. Now i have a new master so i will not be contacting anyone except as friends.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to DestinyCommander)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Initial contact - 2/21/2006 4:58:10 PM   
Firmmaster4u


Posts: 31
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline 		i think this one really saids it all littleone saids how your feeling now best of luck with your newe master

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Initial contact - 2/27/2006 7:00:49 PM   
Firmmaster4u


Posts: 31
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline 		trying to figure ths one out master marty

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Initial contact - 2/27/2006 7:13:42 PM   
MistressLorelei


Posts: 997
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		From a Domme standpoint (at least this Domme's standpoint), there are so many submissive males on this site, and not nearly as many Dominant Females. The submissive males are likely to get little (if any) interest if they are not the first to initiate the interaction, as Dommes tend to get a lot of mail and don't have as much need to 'go looking'.

Maybe such is not as true in the Dom/femme sub situations.. but I concur with the rest.. if the match ends up being a perfect fit, who cares who made the first contact!


(in reply to DestinyCommander)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Initial contact - 2/27/2006 7:35:02 PM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		I'm one of those who rarely initiates contact. I know I probably should because it would open up the possibilities to an amazing extent, as submissive males don't often get contacted out of the blue. But it's always felt a bit awkward to do so. There have been a very, very select few I have actually tried to initiate contact with, but for the most part it either never went far or there was no response at all (it's easy to get lumped into the HNG category even if you're not of that calibre). But I've never been in a huge hurry to connect, figuring that if it was ever going to happen it would happen because it was the right time with the right person. That's why I always foolishly figure she'll contact me, because then it fits my belief that I'm what she wants rather than she being what I wanted and then trying to convince her she would eventually want me.

(in reply to MistressLorelei)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Initial contact - 2/27/2006 8:21:52 PM   
MistressLorelei


Posts: 997
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		It is whichever you are comfortable with. Personally, I believe I would have missed out on a great submissive if he didn't politely let Me know that he was out there.

I think that patience eventually pays off... but on the other hand, think of all you are missing while you wait. Good luck!

(in reply to littlesarbonn)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Initial contact - 2/27/2006 9:24:10 PM   
foxglove716


Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline 		I guess in storybook BDSM its the dom who initiates things. But I think a sub with confidence is very sexy. I contacted an ex dom by saying "youre really cute, can I be the president of your fanclub?" Worked for me!

_____________________________

Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -Oscar Wilde

(in reply to DestinyCommander)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Initial contact - 2/28/2006 6:26:56 AM   
collegebeauty


Posts: 41
Joined: 2/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Acts are neither submissive nor dominant in and of themselves- although there are plenty of stereotypical groupings of actions.



I politely contacted my Dom and explained that I was intrigued by his profile. He contacted me back and agreed to chat. It turned out that he had skipped over my profile based on my age and status as a college student. By initiating contact I proved to him that I'm not a pretender and by getting a conversation started managed to prove that I am capable of mature, intelligent conversation. He was thrilled that I had contacted as we get along wonderfully now. He felt like my "taking control" was a way of putting myself at his feet and his mercy.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Initial contact - 2/28/2006 6:35:45 AM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline 		I actually like seeing a sub go out of his way to court me, instead of sitting back and hoping I'll chase after him and "catch" him. The "I'm here, come get me" approach that a lot of subs use does nothing for me.

While I will initiate contact with someone online that I find interesting...well, the sad truth is that I very rarely find someone with a profile that I find interesting and with basic compatabilities. Consequently it's usually up to the sub male to contact me and fill in the blanks left on his profile with a couple of good emails.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 2/28/2006 6:36:23 AM >

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to collegebeauty)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Initial contact - 2/28/2006 7:10:40 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: foxglove716

I guess in storybook BDSM its the dom who initiates things. But I think a sub with confidence is very sexy.


I guess I followed the storybook then. She IS a very confident young lady but I got the impression she was looking for someone rather younger, so I initialy contacted her thinking she was a likely interesting local friend.

It was only after our initial MSN chat where more and more commonalitys in what we where looking for kept comming up that I started to think age might not be quite as much of a problem as I had first assumed. Every contact we've had since has only made me more aware of just how special she is.

Still not sure it WILL work, but I am sure that I want to try and MAKE it work.... and I am starting to believe (Rather than simply hope) that she does to.

As they say.... watch this space

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to foxglove716)
Profile   Post #: 18
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