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overcoming society-inflicted reticence - 8/9/2009 1:15:08 PM

gilgamesh9

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I just got back from my first outing into the local community early this morning - a much with a play party afterward. The result is that, between fatigue and general new experience, my thoughts are not the most cogent, so pardon if this is disjointed.

I identify as a dominant, and have for longer than I can remember (before any conscious idea of sex). However, the way I was raised, has led to developing an iron-hard system of personal restraint (control is not the right word, it may have started out that way, but it is no longer consciously directed) - To people who I am not extremely familiar with (this mostly means family), I do not speak much, am generally quiet when I do, and am rather shy. I have no problem topping a women who I intimately know (not necessarily talking sex intimate), when the involuntary defenses are relaxed enough to 'let out my beast', but from what I have seen and experienced so far, that is not exactly conducive to this aspect of the scene, at least, if you don't have a sub of your own already. And that not having a relationship with a sub, as well as wanting to garner more experience is why I sought out the local community in the first place. As it stands, a frustrating situation.

The gist of my question, though, after that overly autobiographical explanation, is to ask if anyone else here has faced this same sort of problem, and how they overcame it?

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RE: overcoming society-inflicted reticence - 8/9/2009 1:17:19 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
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Take your time get to know people things will develop once you become comfortable with people.

Mike

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RE: overcoming society-inflicted reticence - 8/9/2009 1:18:21 PM

GrizzlyBear

Posts: 278
Joined: 3/26/2004
From: Missoula Montana
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Perhaps they just go online and pretend to be someone else?

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"Come to the edge," he said.
They said, "We are afraid."
"Come to the edge," he said.
They came. He pushed them. And they flew.
~Guillaume Apollinaire

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RE: overcoming society-inflicted reticence - 8/9/2009 1:23:10 PM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
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There is no 'way to be' apart from yourself. Pushing yourself into it would not be good for you and maintaining that will be hard. There are dominants with many different dispositions and character traits, there is actually space for everyone

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RE: overcoming society-inflicted reticence - 8/9/2009 2:43:00 PM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gilgamesh9

I just got back from my first outing into the local community early this morning - a much with a play party afterward. The result is that, between fatigue and general new experience, my thoughts are not the most cogent, so pardon if this is disjointed.

I identify as a dominant, and have for longer than I can remember (before any conscious idea of sex). However, the way I was raised, has led to developing an iron-hard system of personal restraint (control is not the right word, it may have started out that way, but it is no longer consciously directed) - To people who I am not extremely familiar with (this mostly means family), I do not speak much, am generally quiet when I do, and am rather shy. I have no problem topping a women who I intimately know (not necessarily talking sex intimate), when the involuntary defenses are relaxed enough to 'let out my beast', but from what I have seen and experienced so far, that is not exactly conducive to this aspect of the scene, at least, if you don't have a sub of your own already. And that not having a relationship with a sub, as well as wanting to garner more experience is why I sought out the local community in the first place. As it stands, a frustrating situation.

The gist of my question, though, after that overly autobiographical explanation, is to ask if anyone else here has faced this same sort of problem, and how they overcame it?

Being a sufferer of chronic shyness and normally most socially comfortable at gatherings of like minded people who I know, reunions and formal functions, all of which are with friends in a relaxed manner or under strict hierarchial protocols (I thrive there), I may enjoy myself when out at outings like munches or clubs etc but I am the bloke in the darkest corner where I can enjoy watching others or in the smoking area. However I have learned to put my "game face" on and bite the bullet so to speak and make some attempts to mingle whilst not necessarily saying a great deal as I test the waters.. Perhaps this may be of some help

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Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

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RE: overcoming society-inflicted reticence - 8/9/2009 4:15:23 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

Being a sufferer of chronic shyness and normally most socially comfortable at gatherings of like minded people who I know, reunions and formal functions, all of which are with friends in a relaxed manner or under strict hierarchial protocols (I thrive there), I may enjoy myself when out at outings like munches or clubs etc but I am the bloke in the darkest corner where I can enjoy watching others or in the smoking area. However I have learned to put my "game face" on and bite the bullet so to speak and make some attempts to mingle whilst not necessarily saying a great deal as I test the waters.. Perhaps this may be of some help

What -he- said... as a well-established introvert, getting out into public is difficult for me -- akin to torture at times. I make the effort more for my companion's sake than my own, but am not a social butterfly when I do. It hasn't stopped us from having the great good fortune of finding wonderful companions and quality servants. Just bite the bullet, as IB so succinctly put it, and know that, over time, you will come to know people and will find a niche for yourself.

Dame Calla

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: overcoming society-inflicted reticence - 8/9/2009 5:39:06 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Not everyone is meant to leap out and play when he doesn't know anyone. Nothing wrong in taking your time, making friends, and playing after a couple of months steady attendance instead of the first time.
Also nothing wrong in preferring play with an intimate partner instead of casual play. Neither is better than the other, just different.

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RE: overcoming society-inflicted reticence - 8/9/2009 6:26:03 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gilgamesh

The gist of my question, though, after that overly autobiographical explanation, is to ask if anyone else here has faced this same sort of problem, and how they overcame it?

I haven't faced this problem, personally, because I'm not at all shy, however, what I would suggest is to continue to get out into your local community and do some volunteer work at various venues.

Help prep areas, do break downs or clean ups, food fairy's are 'always' welcome at functions and you'll get to know the people who do that sort of volunteer work with you.

Working side by side is a great way to get to talking. Ask people about themselves (bringing up someone's choice in music is a good way to start a chat with a stranger.) Give yourself some time to get to know your fellow volunteers. Also, if someone is doing something that intrigues you, feel free to ask for pointers. Most folks have no problem teaching the 'ropes' to others and if you have a genuine admiration for a certain style, that will come through and your appreciation will be appreciated.

Once you get to be friends with a few others, venture out even more, perhaps learn a particular skill that you enjoy and learn it really well and then offer to do a demo of it at an event. Hopefully, by this time you will have made some good friends and one or two of them may even volunteer to do your demo with you. Take the baby steps and before you know it, you'll be jogging along and, eventually, people may even start coming to you for advice because you are out there, putting in your time, paying your dues and just getting to know the locals until, before you know it.. you're one of the locals, too.

Good luck!

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Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

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RE: overcoming society-inflicted reticence - 8/9/2009 6:38:50 PM

lovingpet

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I really don't think there is anything wrong with needing a great deal of established intimacy prior to engaging in play. I think it is rather healthy actually. As far as going to public events, watching and just sitting and talking to or listening to other people talk is fine. I usually find a few nice people who are social enough to talk to a stranger like myself and spend most of my time listening and conversing with others, especially those I know have far more experience than me and a good reputation. There is so much to be learned and the connections made can be priceless as things progress in your journey.

So what's the rush? Quality over quantity works well for me.

lovingpet

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RE: overcoming society-inflicted reticence - 8/9/2009 8:09:11 PM

gilgamesh9

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I appreciate all of the input - hopefully, with time, this will become a non-issue. I have a feeling that is just appears daunting at the moment. (Also, the additional sleep might have helped~)

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RE: overcoming society-inflicted reticence - 8/9/2009 8:26:57 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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New situations are always difficult. Putting yourself out there means more familiarity. You have to start the process from the beginning to ever get to the part where it gets easier.

It's hardest at first, you did that. Everything now should get a bit better. Plus in doing something you learn about yourself. If you never get to feeling comfortable playing in public that's fine. You might surprise yourself at some point but you'll never know unless you continue the journey...

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