turning up the domometer (Full Version)

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fizzy -> turning up the domometer (2/22/2006 11:26:36 AM)

I feel like I am in a bit of a pickle here. I have a dom in my life who I love very much, and we get on wonderfully. Even though we have amazing kinky sex, thats where the kink ends. I would love for him to dominate me in my everyday life, but he just doesnt. Ive tried talking to him about it, and he was very receptive and understanding. The next day was great, from what he told me to eat for breakfast to what he told me to wear to bed. And then the day after? Nothing. And so its been for weeks. I find myself trying very hard to keep myself from acting out (this is dangerous road to tread, I know, but cripes!). I love him and care for him very much but my needs arent being met and Im not sure if he is capable of meeting them. I dont feel as though I should have to remind him every other day of my needs. Either he is just a sexual dominant and not a 24/7 dominant or he is just lazy. I dont know which is worse! (nothing against sex only dominants, its just not for me) Any advice on the situation would be greatly appreciated.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/22/2006 11:28:54 AM)

This thread will help you tremendously:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_269547/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#269558



amayos -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/22/2006 11:45:01 AM)

I personally subscribe to the belief that submission shouldn't be used simply as a method of getting one's way. Having said that, it would make sense that a girl who wishes to surrender all control would be frustrated by a male who offers his dominance as merely an over glorified bedroom game. Naturally, an authentically submissive female wants to be put in her place.

I would suggest a deep conversation about your feelings and how you are wired to serve beyond foreplay and coitus. It sounds to me he does not entirely understand your enthusiasm.

Ultimately, you may find there is a limit to how far he may wish to take dominance. If it's annoying him to have to do these things for you, perhaps renegotiation is in order? Perhaps house rules would serve best, rather than him having to micromanage things such as meals and evening attire on a case-by-case basis?



PenelopePitstop -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/22/2006 12:21:08 PM)

Agreed, and there is also the flipside that if you do succeed in, for want of a better word, shaping him to what you need, it won't feel genuine, and that is even worse. For a lot of people, power exchange relationships are about desire and I never met anyone who could imitate desire.



KatyLied -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/22/2006 12:34:10 PM)

Perhaps he doesn't want to ramp up the domometer (great word, btw)? Some will not have an ache for control that reads as "micromanagement". I'm not saying there's anything wrong with micromanagement, if that's where you like to go. The advice here is good, you need to talk about what you want/need and see where he's at in all of this.



SirKenin -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/22/2006 12:35:15 PM)

I feel quite comfortable, based on experience, in telling you that all the talking in the world is not going to do diddly.

Ultimately, in the end, even if he pretends, it will end up in failure and you will be the one blamed. I have seen this before. You will not be submissive enough. You have not earned the title. Whatever. He has already clearly demonstrated to you what lies ahead, and you can talk until you are blue in the face (or until your fingers fall off, if you sign).

I promise you that what it will boil down to now is your needs vs. your love. Which is stronger? Which will win out? No matter how you look at it, you WILL have to compromise something.

Good luck.



DelRey -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/22/2006 12:59:12 PM)

quote:


I love him and care for him very much but my needs arent being met and Im not sure if he is capable of meeting them. I dont feel as though I should have to remind him every other day of my needs. Either he is just a sexual dominant and not a 24/7 dominant or he is just lazy. I dont know which is worse! (nothing against sex only dominants, its just not for me)



Sounds to me like you have it nailed ! Just having trouble trying to swallow the reality...



Webmaster60 -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/22/2006 1:08:43 PM)

quote:

Either he is just a sexual dominant and not a 24/7 dominant or he is just lazy. I dont know which is worse! (nothing against sex only dominants, its just not for me)


Read the above again..

ok

again

Still have a question?



MHOO314 -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/22/2006 1:49:39 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: PenelopePitstop

Agreed, and there is also the flipside that if you do succeed in, for want of a better word, shaping him to what you need, it won't feel genuine, and that is even worse. For a lot of people, power exchange relationships are about desire and I never met anyone who could imitate desire.



The most profound words Penelope!



PenelopePitstop -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/22/2006 1:56:39 PM)

Thank you Mistress Hathor, although I don't have the experience to back up the opinons. I'm amazed at what I've got away with so far!



SirKenin -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/22/2006 2:28:19 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: PenelopePitstop

Thank you Mistress Hathor, although I don't have the experience to back up the opinons. I'm amazed at what I've got away with so far!


You poser!!! You... You... Imposter!! Scoundrel!!! I will have you hanged for this...!

haha j/k



slavejali -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/22/2006 2:49:28 PM)

I liked the post of LA's she linked to. To me it was about accepting the roles within the relationship without putting too many ideas of how it should play out towards it.
If you have accepted the roles within the relationship thats what you work with at all times. If your Master or Dominant doesnt feel like playing things out how you would expect of how things should be, then you accept his mood, you submit to it, in that way you experience a level of submission that is beyond your own topical desires and in alignment with his, if that makes sense, you become a real submissive, or to put it another way, you will experience a real submission.(sorry for using the word *real* but it was apt for that sentence.)

I know, this is a really hard thing to do when you have a trillion desires floating around inside you, "i want this, i want that, i need this, i need that"...and some of that does need to be addressed....I'm just puyting the point across that there is a subtelty in submission and slavery that can really be missed ....



fizzy -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/24/2006 8:42:48 AM)

Yes penelope, that is exactly what Im scared of. Him faking it is a much bigger crime than me not getting it as much as Id like

Thank you SirKenin, your words make a lot of sense to me.

And thank you everyone who posted. I guess I know what I have to do. Its just so heartbreaking to leave on the thought of "terrific boyfriend, mediocre dom"



MHOO314 -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/24/2006 9:06:24 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: fizzy

Yes penelope, that is exactly what Im scared of. Him faking it is a much bigger crime than me not getting it as much as Id like

Thank you SirKenin, your words make a lot of sense to me.

And thank you everyone who posted. I guess I know what I have to do. Its just so heartbreaking to leave on the thought of "terrific boyfriend, mediocre dom"



A recent conversation with a subnmissive I mentor elicited these words:

I don't want him to "act" I want him to "be"



fastlane -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/24/2006 6:33:59 PM)

quote:

I don't want him to "act" I want him to "be"


I often act the fool, but in reality...I just B me, a nice funny DOM.
Although, my Domometer needs calibration, I believe.
I've been going to slow...to be in the fastlane, despite the speed limits, hard limits..whateva? ; )

I will add this, to the one in question.....Doms are a Dime a Dozen....great boyfriends are priceless..
Be careful as you search for a strong Dom, as you may never again feel what you do now, with the one you're with.....just a thought?

wink and a lash! Kevin



MistressOfGa -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/24/2006 7:37:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: PenelopePitstop

Thank you Mistress Hathor, although I don't have the experience to back up the opinons. I'm amazed at what I've got away with so far!

LOL that THAT'S funny..I don't care who you are lol



MistressOfGa -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/24/2006 7:40:18 PM)

quote:

A recent conversation with a subnmissive I mentor elicited these words:

I don't want him to "act" I want him to "be"



Truer words were never spoken. How wise.



HoosierScorpio -> RE: turning up the domometer (2/25/2006 11:34:41 PM)

I have talked allot who have gone through what you are going through and one things you need to come to terms with is this. If you are happen getting what you need and desire then you need come to terms with the fact time to move on. Being Dominate 24/7 can take allot focus and work and it is not being lazy when you need to relax with it once in a while. If you need more than what you are getting from the relationship then you need to find the kind of relationship you want and desire. Why would you want to stay with something that you are not happy with. Once you find what you desire you will grow and flourish were you will be much happier.



Manawyddan -> RE: turning up the domometer (3/4/2006 5:56:00 AM)

It seems to me like you're working at extremes here ... from no control at all to completre micromanagement (I may be exaggerating, but you didn't give a heck of a lot of detail). Maybe start slower?

The two of you should work out one small, specific aspect of life in which he should take your control away from you, and work on doing just that consistently. He'd probably find that less of a strain. If he found he enjoyed it and could carry it on, then expand the range slightly.



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