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No more favors - 8/10/2009 2:15:30 AM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		Wanna know why ? they ask for favors back. Then it is never ending. That is how people are, even the best of your friends. If you can't or won't do them a favor subsequently everything they did for you will be thrown in your face. I know this from personal experience.

Don't anyone ever try to do me a favor, I will reject it. The favors I have recieved are already costly enough. I am done. If you do somethign for me I want a quote and when you are done here is your money and get the fuck out. Think I am kidding ? Prod me for the details of my particular situation I wil comply, but that is not the point of this post.

The string of favors is never ending, and I mean never. For some help working on the house I apparently am expected to pay three peole's cellphone bills, and bring them new phones and buy the SIMM cards when the stoopid fucks lose them, drive them here and there even if they live clear on the other side of town, and get them cigarettes. And they know full well of my legal problems with driving.

Fuck this, from now on I want a contract for everything, including mowing the damn grass here. Because of this shit I am likely to have three friends become enemies. This is bullshit, so no more favors. Period.

How many of you have been in this situation ? I mean I am about to stop answering my phone over this crap, and that ain't right. Doesn't matter much to me because I got a couple more phone numbers to burn up, but everyone does not have that.

I would rather fix the problem than to switch phones, but how do I get that hard heart that seems to be so prevalent in the successful peple among us. Is it getting fucked so many times or is there some other instinct or something which I lack ? I can say no to drugs, even soft drugs like pot. I can say no to alcohol, which I like. I can say no to just about anything except a friend in need. But they keep showing up again and and in need again and again.

One thing about me, I very rarely ask anyone for anything, and a few of my friends have commended me for that. I haven't borrowed money from a regular person for decades, it is demeaning to me. I would not go to my boss and ask for $100 to pay my bills, but if I thought I could turn a buck on it I would ask him for a thousand. That is different, kinda like venture capital. But paying three people's fucking cellphone bills while mine happens to be paid up for a bunch on months, that is ridiculous.

Loaning Hunter a bunch of money for another "investment" was stoopid because he is fucking that one up just liek the last time. Does he listen ? Hell no. He is going to do the same thing. He also has another problem, he can't pay for his phone and quite frankly I refuse. Now he has to move by the end of the week because of his dog, which I told him not to get. In my view you get a house first and THEN you get a dog. And he hasn't trained her one bit, she is nothing but a plaything. Sickening. Dog had so much more potential than that.

Other dude did some major work on an apartment building and got a year's rent including utilities and even cable. He is out at the end of the month. It took him how long to tuckpoint it ? three months. What the fuck happened to the other nine months ? Now he is yelling that even our best efforts of artwork and laser printer won't be enough, he simply needs a job. What the fuck happened to six months ago ? Nine months ago ? Even four months ago ?

I am so turned off by this situation that if you ever come over my house, don't ever even try to empty an ashtray. I would rather the house burn down. Then I get a big check and I am gone. Fuck all this.

How many of you have gotten to this point ? I know some may have learned better how to say no, and in other cases the money runs out. My money might be a little harder to run out, but I still am not going to just give it away. If your favor was a favor, don't ask me for anything. If you worked for me, take your damn money and go. Thank you.

See I know where this is heading and it will be "I did six grand worth of work to your house". All I need is the balls to retort "And who asked you to do that, NOBODY, let nobody pay you then. I can't afford your favors".

Normally I don't mind much, but it has been getting out of hand lately. Who else has found themselves in this situation ? And is there a way to save the friendship after ? Because the boom gets lowered tomorrow. Dude wants flyers, well get some. Any fucking hillbillly can do it, why can't you ? Perhaps because you burned all the bridges with you old friends and blood ? Really some of these peoples' families are gougers, maybe that is what I am missing here. But that does not change the fact that they played the game wrong. They lost. Should I let them freeze out in the cold or open a boarding house ? Perhaps I created them in that they would be dead somewhere in a ditch without me. Maybe they would be better off there with their pattern of failure. I mean some of them are worse than GWB before he got into politics.

Or would they get stronger and better without me ? One guy has a dog and does not want to go to a homeless shelter, OK then, freeze. I have the strength to say that I think. Maybe. You had to have this dog when you were rooming, not renting. You need to have a house, and THEN you can have a dog. The fucker won't train the dog right, won't even bust it's ass after it ran out in front of a car, and is only alive becaus of the quick reactions of the driver and the fact that the brakes were good. He hasn't taught the dog a damn thing worthwhile, and thus noone will take the dog. He paid money for the dog, which I find ridiculous for someone in his income bracket. He is stupid and knows it, but when it comes to the dog he is totally ignorant. Stupidity can be cured, ignorance cannot.

Then we have this other person............. forget it. You got the idea. Then when you cut them off they get all pissed like you owe them something.

I tell you what, if you come to my house, don't even empty an ashtray without a signed and notarized contract. Don't do any dishes or take out the garbage, or even mow the grass. This will all be under contract in the future. Even if you do me such a great favor such as starting my car when it's cold to take you somewhere, I want it spelled out in writing EXACTLY what I owe you for that. If I even feed you and you take your plate to the sink and rinse it off, making it dishwasher ready, I want a quote, and don't do it until I accept. Treat it like a six thousand dollar job, beecause sometimes it is.

It's like dude, you live on the east side, that is almost thirty miles round trip. You already know, need I remind you that I have about twenty warrants, no license and can't get insurance (believe me I have tried). Do you understand that your lack of fucking cigarettes can cost me like five grand ? Do you understand why you are now fucked, because I have awoken and I simply won't do it anymore ?

This car is for me to get to work, the store, the bank etc., necessities. MY fucking necessities. If you wanted the supposed advantage you all say I got, try paying my fucking bills.

I am done with it. I will accept no favors from anyone anymore. You get paid when the job is done. It is not my fault you live thirty miles away, and the reason for that is because YOU could not say no. Now I am saying NO. It is over, it is done. Have fun.

Opinions ?

T

[Mod Note:  TOS violation removed]


< Message edited by ModeratorEleven -- 8/10/2009 6:54:42 AM >
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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 4:11:00 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
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quote:


opinions


You are a very angry, cynical and pessimistic man and could probably do with stepping out of your head a bit more often

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 4:15:51 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		Termyn8or....you are headed for a very lonely place...

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 5:16:38 AM   
VanityFix


Posts: 141
Joined: 7/20/2009
Status: offline 		...I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock, I am an island...

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 5:18:06 AM   
seababy


Posts: 845
Joined: 6/20/2008
Status: offline
Dude, get new friends. Set boundaries.

Oh and don't tell us tell them. Festering resentment will kill you.


< Message edited by seababy -- 8/10/2009 5:21:43 AM >

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 5:39:44 AM   
cpK69


Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline 		If something is expected in return, it is not a favor.

There is a difference between being in need, and being needy.

Are they really your friends, or perhaps the problem lies in how you define friend.

Control; one of those things only you can acquire for yourself.

Kim

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 6:14:48 AM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Term, you really need to sit down and stop and think all this through. Maybe even reexamine what's happening and try and come up with a different viewpoint.

I give favours quite liberally. Only I don't get involved in 'trade' and my favours are largely unconditional.

This stems from a time when I was street homeless. One of the hardest lessons I have ever had to learn was during this period, and it was learning how to accept kindness and help from other people when I was not in a position to repay their kindness or do anything in return.

People taught me what kindness really means, and I just took their example. The only criteria for me is that I am able to give or do something for someone else, and whether it will benefit them or not. Usually I assume it will, otherwise they wouldn't be asking. There's no strings, and I will even give money to people (when I have it) without expecting it back.

It's been reaffirmed here, quite often in fact, and there are times when people have fallen over themselves to extend support or go out of their way to spend time to write a short positive message to me. I'm not short of people at times when I really need help. I'd also like to think that I'm here or somewhere where people feel that they can turn to me.

And it's appreciated, a lot, and one of the reasons for my happiness is that I appreciate people and the fact that they make my life more colourful. I can only hope my presence in their lives has the same effect.



< Message edited by stella41b -- 8/10/2009 6:17:19 AM >

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 6:23:12 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I am confused.  You feel guilted into returning favors? 
I can see paying back a money favor.  Money is an obligation.  You borrow it, you pay it back, period.
But small things?  Washing dishes, cars, ect.. why do you feel the need to return small favors like that?
I do stuff for people because I want to, not to get anything back. 
Moreover, I don't feel it is necessary to do little things simply because someone did something for me.
Shed the guilt.  It makes life smoother.
Do nice things because you want, not because you have to.  There is joy in giving, why taint it with obligations?

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 7:39:09 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		Term,

Do you feel better now?

Okay, here is what you do.

Tell them NO and if they persist tell them to Fuck Off.

You are not Indentured to them nor are you responsible for anything for them. However if you believe they are entitled to a certain amount of Monetary value should be placed on what they did then Pay them the difference between that and what you have already done and be done with the leaches and explain to them that apparently your friendship was worth exactly (Enter total monetary value here) and I hope you got what you wanted out of the deal because now you are done.

Steel

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 8:01:18 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Term

One thing I have come to understand in all our discussions is that you and I are very much alike in who we term as 'friend'.

Both of us give favors out like running water.

and both us know that if our friends ever needed anything, we would give the shirt off our backs to them ( and in some cases, we both have ). The reasons for doing so may vary, but in the end; it's because we know, deep down, that these people we call friends would actually do the same for us if push came to shove.

We get angry at them because there are times that it feels like they are taking advantage; and they probably are lol. Friends like we have; that's what they do. And we let them because we know that when the time comes; they will be standing guarding our backs without question or delay.

I don't know your friends personally; you don't know mine personally. But let's face it, they are cut from the same mold. And I don't think either of us would want to trade them for anything. We may threaten it from time to time; but in actuality; it's their presence in our life that makes us smile twice as much.

Drop a line if you feel like ranting somemore...my back can take it.

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 8:20:49 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		With a bill collector- I answer my phone - I identify myself.  But then if a bill collector- I quietly set the phone down and walk away.

I continue my lovely day.

Then when I darn well feel like it I hang the phone up.


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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 8:25:10 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Termyn8or

...How many of you have been in this situation ? ...

Sorta.

When I was starting out, I had a bunch of friends who thought we should all be able to share tools and whatever. It sounds like a good idea. However, I'd gone out and, over time, bought my own tools, car, etc, and they hadn't.

The problem also was that they were immature and irresponsible - nothing they borrowed ever came back in the same shape it went out in - if it was returned at all.

I loaned out my car once and when I got it back the ignition was wonky and the window wouldn't roll up properly.

Even lending a broom - I lent a brand new straw broom to a neighbor and they swept wet mud in their yard with it and returned it coated with dried mud.

That kind of thing is absurd, and I think you have no option but to alienate people and redraw those boundaries a little tighter. For me, it was no more loaning out stuff and being sort of a pompous bitch about explaining " .. people aren't responsible for stuff they borrow, so, no, sorry. "

It is tough, because nobody likes it when you change boundaries with them.

As far as cell phones go - I still don't have one myself, so I sure wouldn't be paying for anyone else's. I could afford one, but I still consider it more luxury than necessity, personally.

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 8:30:34 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		So others can be irresponsible and you then are expected to clean up the mess.

I have used this line....  "I got my own problems".

"I am having a bad day and do not want to deal with this"

Cut your losses.

No friend is worth bring brought down to skid row over......  (sorry but not)




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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 8:46:25 AM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: seababy


Dude, get new friends. Set boundaries.



There it is, right there.

The problem isn't the fact that you do favors; it's who you're doing these so-called  favors for. No offense, but it sounds like all your friends are a bunch of losers - lazy, irresponsible leeches. Their lives are in a perpetual state of desperately fucked because they make stupid decisions. They constantly need you to bail them out, because you seem to have more resources available than they ever seem to be able to scrape together. 

You guys aren't exchanging favors; you're just using each other. You're using them to get work done cheap around the house and shit like that, they're using you to pay their bills because they don't have the kind of basic life skills that most of us learn by about age 20, like working a regular job and budgeting your money so you can keep your own cell phone turned on. What you're doing is not "exchanging favors." It's bartering, is what it is. It's a business arrangement, pure and simple.

Bottom line is, as long as those are the people you let into your life, that's the way those people are going to try to make you live it. They're always going to want something from you because you've got more than they do, and that's the way people like that go through life. Your choices are to get used to it, or get rid of them. Setting boundaries won't work, because if they understood and respected concepts like that, they wouldn't be such total fuckheads in the first place. You may say, "Oh, but I can't do that to my friends!", but see how many of them are still calling themselves your friend after you've been cutting off the "favors" for a couple of months. Friends are people who still want to be your friend even when you're not buying them cigarettes and paying their cell phone bills.

Sorry to say that, because you're a good guy, but it is what it is. And I think you know it. I applaud you for at least seeing the light; it's a start. Good luck, bro, with whatever decisions you make going forward.

< Message edited by ThatDamnedPanda -- 8/10/2009 8:49:55 AM >

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 8:47:35 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VanityFix

...I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock, I am an island...


All my friends;
call me a fool;
They Say----

Let the woman take care of you..............

(and I say, why not?)
Bobby Kennedy

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 8:59:32 AM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		I believe in a person's circle of peeps, there are friends, acquaintances and toxic relationships. Its that last two groups where I shy away from the favor for favor route, in fact I keep those groups as far away as possible. My dear friends, we do favor for favor, becuse we are close, are trusted, and never abuse it and we ALWAYS return equal or greater on those rare occasions that we need something.
 
If I help someone once and they don't learn from their mistakes, sorry, there isn't a times two.

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 10:23:00 AM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		FR

I guess I am seeing what is plain to some, don't keep doing what doesn't work. It's the same way with the federal bailout, it simply doesn't work and to keep doing what doesn't work is insanity. I got the one guy bitching because of the fact that the ads we created are too late. Well you knew me a few months ago, what about then ? And he raised his voice. And then comes "If that happens you'll never hear from me again". What a fucking sucker I am.

I guess I have become an enabler, not in the sense of substance abuse, but maybe best put as time abuse. People figure they can wait until the last minute and borrow the money off of good ol Termy.

Appreciate opinions from all angles, even those tempted to say "Put a 'kick me' sign on my back".

Also thanks to Mod11 for editing the bad parts instead of axing the whole post. I went into a bit too much detail.

I'll be baaack.

T

T

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 10:28:42 AM   
LillyoftheVally


Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Termyn8or

Appreciate opinions from all angles, even those tempted to say "Put a 'kick me' sign on my back".




Yup that is it for me, I am sorry Term I don't mean to be harsh but I do sense a bit of a victim complex about you at times.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 10:38:38 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyoftheVally


quote:

ORIGINAL: Termyn8or

Appreciate opinions from all angles, even those tempted to say "Put a 'kick me' sign on my back".




Yup that is it for me, I am sorry Term I don't mean to be harsh but I do sense a bit of a victim complex about you at times.


I viewed it more of rescuer of the friends that needed help.

Maybe they think Term got a ton of money life insurance from his dad passing = and are trying to get their hands on it.

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RE: No more favors - 8/10/2009 11:04:24 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		I don`t know if this will help, but generally my friends and I pay each other for favours in beer. Need some work done,a floor laid,or stuff moved...no problem, you buy the beer.


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