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Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/11/2009 1:49:29 PM   
pinnipedster


Posts: 217
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline 		So right now I don't think I could work a real D/s relationship into my life -- or at least, starting one would be very complicated.   It's still a long-term goal -- or rather, a relationship that as BDSM as a component is really my goal; whether it would be a full-time D/s relationship is something I think would need to be worked out.

In the meantime, though, I'm curious as to whether anyone has any advice for someone looking more for an occasional play partner (or partners), someone to explore kinks with as we both have time available, but without some kind of immediate long-term or full-time commitment.  Going to a pro is one option, of course, and I may consider doing that when it's possible.  But are there any other options or strategies? 

In a broader, less personal sense: so many of the people (women particularly) who post here really seem to be looking for something "real."  Are there some for whom it's more of a game?  A "serious" game, so to speak, one worth investing a good deal of effort in, but still not something that has to involve every fiber of your personality, or ever interaction in a relationship. 

I've said in the past that ideally I'd like to find someone for whom BDSM is "more than a game, but less than a lifestyle."  Does that fit anyone else's feelings? 

It occurs to me that searching among switches might be one possibility, though a lot of them seem to have pretty specific rules about when and with whom they switch.  While in the long run, I want more than a game, there are a lot of "games" I'd like to try to play, now and then -- some of which might be on-going and even become a permanent feature of a relationship, but others of which might just be of the "fun for an afternoon" type.

Anyway, all discussion welcome. :)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/11/2009 2:37:02 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		Since you live in San Diego, Ma'am's slave would heartily recommend that you join Club X there and start going to their functions.  In the real life community, there are plenty of tops and bottoms, who only want playmates, not life partners.  Google "Club X" and "San Diego" and Her slave is sure you'll find a link to their website.  Join, go, be polite, meet people and explore all the options.

(in reply to pinnipedster)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/11/2009 2:43:26 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		What you might be talking about here is something that I often refer to on these boards as casual play.  These are folks that, before I moved, if we met up at an event or made a private arrangement, we'd get together, play, and then go our separate ways afterward.  In some cases, there was a D/s element for a certain frame time only or there was none at all.  It was just a top/bottom scenario.  More something like I enjoy doing this activity and the other person liked having it done to them.  Hey!  It's a party.  Let's get it on!

There have also been times that I've put someone in service to Me for a limited amount of time.  Either for an evening or a weekend.  Where it's worked best for Me has been for the duration of a multiple day BDSM event or a couple of times when they have been My demo doll for something.  This kind of arrangement is more service based than play based.  It's a pre-determined arrangement where they are going to serve in such capacities as lacing My corsets, tying My boots, assembling materials, serve drinks or dinner, etc, etc.  They get to be of service, I get My tasks done, everyone's happy.

OK.  If these are the types of things you're thinking of, yes, I do them.  Now, let Me tell you the bad part.

For starters, in My experience, I find that I'm in the minority in engaging in these practices.  There are a number of folks who do not engage in casual play in anyway.  They only play or conduct D/s activities within the confines of a relationship.  I completely understand their feelings on this and it is the right choice for them.

Next, I have to tell you that when I do offer these opportunities, it is usually to a very select few.  Even in casual play, there is competition.  A good example of this is the situation that I'm in right now.  I recently moved to CA, which means I'm actually in the market for casual players.  Out of provably 300 contacts, I've only extended this offer to perhaps five.  I'm still going to only want to do this with those people that I feel are a very good fit for Me.  It's a lot more than somebody just saying, "I'll let you beat me" or "I'm willing to serve."  Even those of us who make these kind of arrangements cna be rather picky about who we chose to fill that slot.

So, it is out there, but don't think this is particularly the easier path.  In fact, in ways, it's harder.  There are a heck of a lot of bottoms out there to chose from.  If anything, it's a bigger pool than the submissive one.

While I'm at it, why would you think that a switch in Domme mode would require less of you?  That topping switch may have just as strong of a Domme side as anyone who doesn't enjoy the other side of the kneel.  I've yet to find any female switch in top mode who requires anything less of the bottom than any other Domme, depending on her own preferences.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to pinnipedster)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/11/2009 3:30:30 PM   
pinnipedster


Posts: 217
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline 		The only reason I was thinking of a switch as a possibility was in terms of someone who enjoyed being dominant sometimes, but didn't feel a need to be so all the time.  Someone who perhaps is generally submissive, but wouldn't mind having someone to take out her Toppish impulses once in a while -- and perhaps would prefer a partner who did *not* want her to take on the responsibility of a full-time sub..  *shrug*  It was just a thought.  Switches tend to baffle me generally anyway. :) (By which I mean, people who actively consider themselves switches, as opposed to people willing to switch now and then.  I could easily see myself dominating a woman occasionally, and definitely enjoying it, but it's also something I can completely live without if I had a partner who was totally uninterested in ever subbing/bottoming.)

And I didn't expect this to be an "easier" path necessarily.  Just a different one.  No path appears to be easy in this lifestyle.  As with relationships in general, it's frustrating and baffling -- I've asked, "Given that just about everyone wants love, why is it so damned hard to find?"  And I appear to be particularly clueless when it comes to relationships of any type -- heck, I'm not really very good even at starting friendships.

And yeah, joining Club X is something I will probably do now that I have an income again -- but part of the immediately problem is that the source of that income has made it impossible for me to attend events on any sort of regular basis, at least for a while.  (I've started working in long-haul truck driving, and for the forseeable future, my schedule is pretty unpredictable more than a few days in advance....not a situation really conducive to starting any kind of r/t relationship...)

(Unless there's a kinky female truck driver out there looking for a kinky male co-driver for team hauls....if so, drop me a note. :D).

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/11/2009 4:18:49 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		pinnipedster,

quote:

pinnipedster wrote:
In the meantime, though, I'm curious as to whether anyone has any advice for someone looking more for an occasional play partner (or partners), someone to explore kinks with as we both have time available, but without some kind of immediate long-term or full-time commitment.  Going to a pro is one option, of course, and I may consider doing that when it's possible.  But are there any other options or strategies?


There absolutely are other options.  You've got to be willing to put in the time though.  If you're not already involved in your local community, find out what events, munches, house parties, etc. are going on and go to one.  It helps if you find an information source that is up-to-date on the events in your community.  FetLife is an excellent place for this (www.fetlife.com).  Search for the groups that apply to you (admittedly, initially, a somewhat daunting task), but once you've joined the appropriate groups, it's very easy to get in the know about goings on in your community.

Go to a number of different events and help out if you can.  By "help out" I mean volunteer for setup or stay around afterward to help with cleanup.  You'll meet people this way and demonstrate that you're not just there for a quick fuck.  The rest tends to happen organically.  People start to recognize you from previous events.  You start conversations and/or are invited into a conversation.  You make friends.

There are a great many people who want to try things with people they trust and like.  Some may want relationships, but you'd be surprised how many simply want to enjoy a certain kind of play without strings attached.  There is, in fact, one string attached and that is friendship.  It's very rare I meet kinksters who want to "dine and dash" with a stranger.  This said, I've met lots of people who like sharing play with friends.  The reasons are many.  Sometimes one partner isn't as interested in a type of play as the other so they decide it's okay for the one to do this with other people.  Often there are people in your community who have specific skills (rope bondage, needle play, electrical play, piercing, branding, etc.) so a person will go to them to experience and to learn.  And, then there are people who want to enjoy play and friendship, but who for various reasons don't want to be in a long-term relationship.  There are a myriad reasons why someone will share BDSM play with a friend.

HarryVanWinkle pretty much took the words out of my mouth, as follows:

quote:

HarryVanWinkle wrote:
Since you live in San Diego, Ma'am's slave would heartily recommend that you join Club X there and start going to their functions.  In the real life community, there are plenty of tops and bottoms, who only want playmates, not life partners.  Google "Club X" and "San Diego" and Her slave is sure you'll find a link to their website.  Join, go, be polite, meet people and explore all the options.


Last thought, I took a look at your profile.  The way you're presenting yourself comes on a tad strong and also reads like someone providing references the way a real estate agent might.  As a suggestion, I'd delete the second and third paragraphs, the lead-in "don't take my word for it...  here's what some of my friends have to say", and the subsequent quotes from your friends.  Having done this, you'd start with "Would-be Cinderella seeks Evil Stepmother and Fairy Godmother rolled into one" and continue with "What I am ultimately seeking is a woman I can share my entire life with" and the paragraphs that follow.  You've got a nice balance in these paragraphs.  You talk about your vanilla interests and your kinks, and you come across as genuine, kind, interesting, and honest.  The long precursor isn't needed and subtracts significantly from everything else.  Just my opinion... for what it's worth. :-)

Elan.

(in reply to pinnipedster)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/11/2009 5:47:04 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		Pinnipedster,

One of the board members of Club X, a freind of Ma'am's slave, is a lovely lady named Caryl.  he doesn't hesitate to give her first name here because she's one of the most "out" people he knows.  Caryl also maintains a LOT of websites to help newbies find the community.  Ma'am's slave recommends you introduce yourself to her, tell her harryvanwinkle told you to, and ask about her "list."

Caryl's list isn't quite like Schindlers List, but it can be very helpful to those wanting to meet the communities around the country.  You'd be amazed at how many cities and towns have active clubs.  Many of them have reciprocation agreements with others, for instance, if you came to a Desert Dominion event, your membership card from Club X would get you membership privileges.  Working as an OTR driver, you could get to know a lot of people in a lot of different communities.  Who knows, even find yourself a top in every port.

(in reply to pinnipedster)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/11/2009 6:22:06 PM   
pinnipedster


Posts: 217
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline 		I have to admit that a BIG part of my problem -- not just here, but with life in general -- is that I really don't care for meeting new people.  And it's particularly bad in groups.  A friend of mine holds a monthly FemDom dinner.  I've gone a few times, but I find it pretty much impossible to connect with anyone in that kind of a setting.   I can make some small talk, but that's about it.  (She used to host a monthly discussion group, which I liked better, but it went defunct.) 

And I'm just not comfortable with approaching someone at a play event to ask her to try something with me -- it seems like a presumption.  (Unless it's some kind of demo or workshop where people are encouraged to sample something...but then it's probably only going to be a sample and not much more.  Not that that's bad, but it's not fully satisfying, either.) 

The other problem is that I have basically monogamous instincts, so that if a woman appears to be "with" someone, I tend to rule out any pursuit.   Even if she's just "with" him for that scene, it seems rude to divert her attention.   (Unless, I suppose, that was part of the point of the scene.....I myself wouldn't mind having a woman tie me up nicely in a corner and then just checking on my occasionally while she spent the evening socializing with others....)

In other words, I'm kind of a hopeless case. :)  But I do thank people for the advice, and the comments on my profile,

(in reply to HarryVanWinkle)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/11/2009 11:02:23 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		pinnipedster, whether that would work for a particular switch varies just as much as if it would work for a particular Domme, and can change over time depending on what kind of relationship we're looking for/etc. I've been in a few egalitarian kinky relationships as a top, bottom, or switch, and didn't particularly think of it as involving a "lifestyle," but I was still their girlfriend. I've also done some casual play at times, but I generally won't play with someone unless I've met up with them away from the dungeon and come to know them on at least a friendly basis. It feels like way too much pressure to do the negotiations at the dungeon on the same night as I play with them the first time. When I was last looking, I wasn't actively looking for casual play, but explored the possibility with one M/F couple, and stunt bottomed for one class. Everyone has had several suggestions for meeting people - I know that large groups of strangers can be pretty intimidating, and difficult to get to know! It's worth pushing yourself, though, and the more you get out there and *do* it, the easier it becomes.

I agree with Elan that the testimonials part of your profile comes across a bit oddly.

(in reply to pinnipedster)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/11/2009 11:04:42 PM   
Sunnyfey


Posts: 1436
Joined: 9/21/2007
From: OK
Status: offline 		caryls list?

_____________________________

Resident Hell Cat



(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/11/2009 11:33:20 PM   
AlexandraLynch


Posts: 778
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline 		As a dominant, while I'm open to somewhat casual play, I wouldn't call it entirely casual; I would say rather that I'm willing to top my friends in the lifestyle, if they ask. Because they're friends, and we're both going to have fun. But I would never just do someone randomly. That doesn't work for me. 

_____________________________

I use fastreply. Don't take offence where none is meant.

Just because I'm not a bitch doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of making sure you'll be very sorry if you disobey.

(in reply to Sunnyfey)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/12/2009 4:06:36 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunnyfey
caryls list?


Caryl's list.  Ma'am's slave will let Caryl speak for herself.  She should be chiming in momentarily

(in reply to Sunnyfey)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/12/2009 4:15:09 PM   
drkdesyre


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline 		caryl's list is just my little free worldwide bdsm resource site at   http://www.drkdesyre.com
Hope its of value :)
And hi there pinnipedster !


(in reply to AlexandraLynch)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/12/2009 4:17:12 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: drkdesyre
caryl's list is just my little free worldwide bdsm resource site at   http://www.drkdesyre.com
Hope its of value :)
And hi there pinnipedster !


See?  Ma'am's slave told you she'd pop in.  Thanks Caryl.  You're the greatest... well second greatest. lol

(in reply to drkdesyre)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/12/2009 4:23:14 PM   
drkdesyre


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you Harry :)
By the way,  , pinnipedster , One thing that does help a lot if you're seeking a relationship, is to volunteer at events so you have A) An excuse to be there B) An excuse to talk to people, and C) to give people a chance to get to know you and your personality. I'm very shy and an introvert and have found that it works really well for me and others who share those traits. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SDCalendar/cal is an events list for San Diego specifically and you can click the event titles for more information.  Just getting known will give interested people an opportunity to approach you.

Hope that helps!
caryl

(in reply to drkdesyre)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/12/2009 5:58:39 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		Caryl and Pinnipedster,

quote:

drkdesyre (A.K.A caryl) wrote:
By the way, pinnipedster, one thing that does help a lot if you're seeking a relationship, is to volunteer at events so you have A) An excuse to be there, B) An excuse to talk to people, and C) to give people a chance to get to know you and your personality.  I'm very shy and an introvert and have found that it works really well for me and others who share those traits.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SDCalendar/cal

...is an events list for San Diego specifically and you can click the event titles for more information.  Just getting known will give interested people an opportunity to approach you.


Caryl:  Thanks for highlighting what is essentially the gist behind my own post.  Note, I reformatted the quote above so as to make the San Diego link stand out and for no other reason. :-)

Pinnipedster:  Perhaps you're not comfortable approaching people directly.  One of the aspects of volunteering is that you're there for a purpose.  Thus, people just start talking to you (and you to them) because of the circumstances.  This is a great way to make kinky acquaintances that later may turn into kinky play friends without the proverbial need to say "hey, I'd like it if you put me in bondage".

Elan.

(in reply to drkdesyre)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/13/2009 4:39:02 AM   
MmeGigs


Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: drkdesyre
caryl's list is just my little free worldwide bdsm resource site at   http://www.drkdesyre.com
Hope its of value :)


Your list is absolutely wonderful. I've posted a LOT of links to it over the years. It's the most comprehensive, well organized, easy to navigate and up-to-date list of bdsm resources I've found.

Thanks for having it out there!

(in reply to drkdesyre)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/13/2009 7:41:12 AM   
drkdesyre


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline 		@Elan - Thank you .. it was only after I posted that I finally scrolled up far enough to see your *excellent* response. Though embarrassed, I was really happy to read your advice.

@MmeGigs - Thank you!! I always really appreciate hearing that it's being of service to people and helping them find what they need! Thank you for passing it along to those it can help!!

@Pinnipedster - By the by .. please note on the calendar that there's a bondage group that meets the 3rd Tuesday of each month AND we have BondageFest coming up in September.  If either fit your schedule, they may offer some good opportunities to try stuff out and chat with others into it. Also the 3rd and 5th Friday Beat and Greets, while focussing on percussion play, also tend to have bondage happening as well.

Happy Thursday :)


(in reply to MmeGigs)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/15/2009 11:44:34 AM   
pinnipedster


Posts: 217
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for all the info -- will take a closer look when I have time.

At the moment, I have no idea about my schedule.  I should be back in San Diego for a few days around the end of the month, but I don't know when exactly.  And it's likely to remain that way for at least the next three months to a year.  So it's kind of hard to plan, but hopefully there might be some "targets of opportunity" I can seize.

Meanwhile, I'm at the Mall of America for a day.  I don't expect to find any bondage, but I think I may go look into a massage, which is pretty good too. :) 

(Incidentally, I don't want to give the impression that I'm *only* interested in bondage, or uninterested in pain play.  Actually, the last time I had any significant play, I got my first experience with electrical play, and some nice flogging too, and this led me to think I like it better than I had previously thought.  I just want to make it clear to potential partners that bondage is very high on my own list.  I've had some partners who don't really seem to "get" bondage, at least the say I like to experience it, and I hope to find some who have more of a grasp of its appeal.)

(in reply to drkdesyre)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Just playing: or, finding a top - 8/15/2009 12:21:03 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		i was only looking for a play partner when i found my M'Lady. as far as finding a play partner go to play party's and meet and greets. i enjoy bondage as well as you but my M'Lady prefers to give me a good beating, and of course needles and candles and such. i have found that i enjoy all the other play and i cant think of anything more fun. i still like bondage but i will enjoy what my M'Lady gives me.

(in reply to pinnipedster)
Profile   Post #: 19
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