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RE: Re-establishing Trust - 2/23/2006 1:23:20 AM

smilezz

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Trust can be a touchy subject for alot of people. I believe that trust can be re-established when that person does what they say they will do...do the next right thing.........continuously.

It seems easy to say that one will never trust another again, or that this particular act will never warrant that trust...........but what i believe is it depends on that person. How much do you care/love that person? are you willing to walk away and leave everything behind without finding out first how it could/can be fixed? If it can't be, then that is the choice.

Relationships are not easy, they take work, and sometimes they take ALOT of work.

It all boils down to choice.

~smilezz~

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RE: Re-establishing Trust - 2/23/2006 4:56:38 AM

FTopinMichigan

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I am one that has seemed to have severe issues with trust (that has built over many years). While I am much better...okay, somewhat better

, at letting others into my life, I am always on guard, and I do realize that this is not an easy way to live. I also now know that it is my choice to feel and react this way...and I'm working on it.

I don't forgive those that have broken a trust. I have worked not to just discard people for their breach in trust, or for deliberate lies, and now work to understand their motive(s). I also find it's important (for me) to explain, to them, how I feel about what they did, so that they are aware of my own feelings. Sometimes they care...sometimes they don't.

I do think a certain level of trust might be established, after a breach, but I also feel the relationship has turned in another direction. I don't feel it could ever go back where it was, and it may not go where I'd like it to now.

I keep hearing that forgiveness is for the one forgiving, and can't help but think that's somewhat true. I try hard not to dwell on the issue, but like other's have said, I can't seem to "forget" either.

And I don't know why, but when it comes to those in the BDSM community, that break a trust, I somehow feel it's deeper pain/breach, as I feel the connection some of us have, is stronger than most, because much of what we enjoy is based on such high level of trust to begin with.

K

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RE: Re-establishing Trust - 2/23/2006 8:12:00 AM

ownedgirlie

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FTopinMichigan

And I don't know why, but when it comes to those in the BDSM community, that break a trust, I somehow feel it's deeper pain/breach, as I feel the connection some of us have, is stronger than most, because much of what we enjoy is based on such high level of trust to begin with.

K

This is because, from a submissive's standpoint, we literally place our lives in the hands of our dominants, which is the ultimate level of trust, is it not? Stating this has become taboo, however, but it is the running theme behind earlier posts i have made on different topics.

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RE: Re-establishing Trust - 2/23/2006 8:21:47 AM

OscarHargraves

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I think this varies from person to person or couple to couple.

For me it would be a deal breaker. I trust easily and tend to believe everyone is worthy of trust,............ until they give me a reason not too. Once my trust is lost I don't think I could regain it. I would never again be comfortable or willing to completely trust. That's just me but that's who I am.

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RE: Re-establishing Trust - 2/23/2006 8:26:20 AM

KatyLied

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In this situation, even if I were to try and trust again, I don't think I would ever be able to fully engage in the relationship. Especially if the other person wasn't willing to do some work.

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RE: Re-establishing Trust - 2/23/2006 10:14:03 PM

Petruchio

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quote:

Sucks don't it?... But we do what we have to do... to be who we are.. and be able to live the best we can.

Yep, one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

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RE: Re-establishing Trust - 2/24/2006 3:33:59 AM

phoenix1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

"If trust has been broken in some way, how could it be re-established?"

The only way that trust can be re-established in a relationship is by following some "repentance/forgiveness/something-or-other" dynamic thing I studied (forget it's official name, but I'm sure Lucky Albatross can tell ya)

1. true repentance ~ has to be the real deal, no faking

2. forgiveness granted ~ forgiveness has nothing to do with not feeling mad anymore or trusting the person again (yet)... the 3 steps of forgiveness are:
a) offended party has to DECIDE to forgive the person,
b) even if they are still angry, they cannot bring the offense up to the person again or make them feel bad about it, it has to be dropped,
c) the offended party should expect, watch out for and verify that the person has truly changed their way. After awhile, as trust slowly grows again... they can ease off the vigilanty thing...

3. while #2 is going on, the person who messed up, has to put forth attention, care and effort into assuring the offended party that they have changed their ways...

Sounds like a lot of complicated, hard work? It is. Unfortunately, it happens to be the only way to re-establish trust once it's been broken. Any other technique or short-cut... will fail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Above paragraph decoded:
1. the offender has to stop it
2. the forgiver has to risk it again and shut up about it, then become a spy
3. the offender has to kiss ass for awhile

< Message edited by phoenix1 -- 2/24/2006 3:37:44 AM >

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RE: Re-establishing Trust - 2/24/2006 8:52:00 AM

Submotive

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i agree with MH here. Once the trust is gone, i can't remain. If i stay, i will try to get even or make His life hell. So better to part our ways. This is an area way too critical for me. i have learned that reality is what i need to keep my focus on. What am i truly capable and not capable of and accept that period.

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RE: Re-establishing Trust - 2/24/2006 2:02:11 PM

proudsub

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quote:

The only way that trust can be re-established in a relationship is by following some "repentance/forgiveness/something-or-other" dynamic thing I studied (forget it's official name, but I'm sure Lucky Albatross can tell ya)

1. true repentance ~ has to be the real deal, no faking

2. forgiveness granted ~ forgiveness has nothing to do with not feeling mad anymore or trusting the person again (yet)... the 3 steps of forgiveness are:
a) offended party has to DECIDE to forgive the person,
b) even if they are still angry, they cannot bring the offense up to the person again or make them feel bad about it, it has to be dropped,
c) the offended party should expect, watch out for and verify that the person has truly changed their way. After awhile, as trust slowly grows again... they can ease off the vigilanty thing...

3. while #2 is going on, the person who messed up, has to put forth attention, care and effort into assuring the offended party that they have changed their ways...

Sounds like a lot of complicated, hard work? It is. Unfortunately, it happens to be the only way to re-establish trust once it's been broken. Any other technique or short-cut... will fail.

Well said Phoenix, that is exactly how the process is working for me and Hubby.

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RE: Re-establishing Trust - 2/24/2006 11:55:03 PM

LATEXBABY64

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there was a servey done on cnn with about eighty women in that servey one of the questions ask if a man cheated would they ever go back over 80 percent of them said no they most of them said which i found interesting when they said which was worse a phyical affair like a one night stand or on going mental love affair of the heart. the one of the heart was far worse when someone destorys that inner you of what you have with them it becomes like glass shattered even when you glue it together its still cracked so i guess my point to you is look at someones value structure now everyone lies yes forgot the milk i paid a bill that kinda of thing but of the heart no thats a taboo a big one and a no no its not about an object its about humanity
chk it out
:)

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