Searching for a Mistress

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WillingShySub -> Searching for a Mistress (2/22/2006 6:50:42 PM)
I have been searching for a mistress, to just try and train and learn and get into this lifestyle, but have been completely unsucessful so far. It seems to me the only Dommes in my area that arent Pro's, and therefore only want money, are not interested in someone young. Now I can understand to a point the aversion to someone 18-21 years old, but I am 23, mature, independent and intelligent, and seek nothing more than to learn. Now i guess this may sound like a posting to try and get a mistress, but its not, thats what my normal profile is for. Im posting this to try and and understand just why it is so discouraging, and why it seems so easy for others to just find SOMEONE to talk to. So, please help me, what do I need to do to help myself along on this journey?

thetammyjo -> RE: Searching for a Mistress (2/22/2006 7:10:10 PM)
First please know that you aren't alone -- threads similar to this seem to appear every week. Part of the proble with this frequency of similar post is that is can seem very much like impatience and whining to many eyes. Second, a question: Are you only looking online? If so, you really need to do other things. Find a munch (even if you have to drive an hour to it) or a club or a convention and start attending. Many people are more comfortable finding partners that they can see face-to-face. Why? Its safer to be honest and many people feel for confident judging other people face-to-face than over the computer where you could pretend to be anything you want. (Its safer by the way for all parties concerned). Third, you can train and learn to a good degree by yourself and at these sorts of events I mentioned above. There are many non-fiction books you can read, workshops you could find, and self-reflection you can do. The more knowledge you have about yourself and about BDSM I think you'll find you'll become a bit more attractive -- I know I find a boy who knows what he wants because he's done his research to be much more attractive. Fourth, and this is the hardest of all in my opinion, you have to understand that being into BDSM makes finding a partner(s) much more difficult than your vanilla dating scene. Think of hard it can be to find a boyfriend or girlfriend now add in the chances of finding a kinky person who shares your interests in BDSM. This means the more you know yourself the better choices you'll be able to make but it also means that you need to be open to a variety of experiences. One of the best ways I'd seen submissive men get involved in the community is to volunteer at events like workshops and munches. Be willing do foot and grunt work to get the space ready, to get out information, and perhaps even to be that 'demo dummy' for tonight's presenter. Potential partners can then see you and they will hear about you. At the very least you'll be at events and learn things as you help out. Maybe this doesn't work for you because you are too shy. Sadly the shyer you are, the more patience and time I think you will find you need to connect just like in the vanilla world. How do you get less shy? Sorry, I can't help you there. Shy isn't really a word I've ever had applied to me. ;-)

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Searching for a Mistress (2/22/2006 7:16:25 PM)
Welcome to the boards, WillingShySub. I see you joined collarme just a couple of days ago. Where have you been looking prior to this attempt? How long have you been looking? Have you been to any local munches or events? My specific geography is always hazy at best, but the Eastern seaboard (and close to NYC, too!??!) has a lot available. Have you done a search for Dominants in your area online? Are you having trouble with email? Have you checked to see if there are any online groups that are local to you? Often that is a good way to break the ice. Your age and your newbie status may have some effect, but shouldn't really hold you back if you present yourself well. As to others having an easy time finding someone to talk to, there are many who feel the same way as you. You can begin right here on these boards. In the meantime, be patient, read, learn, and interact. Some people have been looking for a partner for years. Baby steps.

WillingShySub -> RE: Searching for a Mistress (2/22/2006 7:58:55 PM)
Thank you very much for the information and the sincere reply. I am beginning to see how much better this site is than others I have been part of. You completely correct about online vs real life of course. I am not too shy to do the munchs and things like that, and would of course prefer those, seeing as how I am very much a people person. Now I just need to find out where one is and how to get into them. But like I said, Thank you so very much for the kind words, and all the help

MsSonnetMarwood -> RE: Searching for a Mistress (2/22/2006 8:02:05 PM)
quote: Now I just need to find out where one is and how to get into them. Google is your friend. Do a search for your area + BDSM + munch.

Isara -> RE: Searching for a Mistress (2/22/2006 9:26:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood quote: Now I just need to find out where one is and how to get into them. Google is your friend. Do a search for your area + BDSM + munch. Yahoo groups as well as other communities online are also helpful. It's how I found out there was a scene in my local area. Good Luck.

McWhips -> RE: Searching for a Mistress (2/23/2006 2:11:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WillingShySub It seems to me the only Dommes in my area that arent Pro's, and therefore only want money, are not interested in someone young. Let me guess, the reason they arent interested in someone young is cos they assume a young person wont have that much money. A woman who would focus on money to the extent she isnt interested in any other attractive qualities such as youth, personality or looks indicates she has little interest other than in money itself.

BeachMystress -> RE: Searching for a Mistress (2/23/2006 5:37:03 AM)
Just a FYI.. to me, from the vantage point of almost 40, there isn't much difference between someone 18 and someone 23. You do have a local munch. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AALF/ If you're not familiar with munches or are nervous about attending, read Jay Wiseman's article discussing what to expect. http://www.soj.org/articles/A%20Beginners%20Guide%20to%20BDSM%20Munches.htm Here are some links you may find useful. http://gloria-brame.com/domidea/subper.htm http://www.femalesincontrol.com/courtship.htm http://www.malesubmission.com/faq/index.htm http://gloria-brame.com/domidea/dompoe.htm

fergus -> RE: Searching for a Mistress (2/23/2006 6:31:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WillingShySub I have been searching for a mistress, to just try and train and learn and get into this lifestyle, but have been completely unsucessful so far. It seems to me the only Dommes in my area that arent Pro's, and therefore only want money, are not interested in someone young. Now I can understand to a point the aversion to someone 18-21 years old, but I am 23, mature, independent and intelligent, and seek nothing more than to learn. Now i guess this may sound like a posting to try and get a mistress, but its not, thats what my normal profile is for. Im posting this to try and and understand just why it is so discouraging, and why it seems so easy for others to just find SOMEONE to talk to. So, please help me, what do I need to do to help myself along on this journey? Serious advice here for you brother ;) Most Dommes do not want to just train a strager out of the goodness of their hearts. They do so MOST often because A) they are pros providing a service, or B) because they are looking for a relationship and are looking to train a boy for the long term. Right now you are fitting into these catagories, yet you have expectations (which is perfectly normal). YOu must look past your own expectations and think in terms of 'people' ... not so much Dommes, subs, etc. But people. All people are deserving of basic human dignity, and looking for someone to train you because they are a Domme is not seeing a unique dignified individual, but rather an ideal. Turning an individual into an ideal can be a very dehumanizing experience. Now, I am TOTALLY serious when I say that I don't mean the above badly, and I REALLY DO want to see you do well! :) ... so, just ahve a little patience, and look for people, and not ideals. If you respect them, you, yourself will gain MUCH more respect :) Good luck, fergus

BeachMystress -> RE: Searching for a Mistress (2/23/2006 3:40:51 PM)
Very well stated Fergus! We want to be special as people to our subs, not life support for their favorite fantasy.

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