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Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/22/2006 6:52:28 PM

DeepThinker

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline

I hope all who read this will bear with me as I'm very new at this posting thing.

I came to this site seeking more knowledge from a broader spectrum than I'm used to. A very good friend of mine who's on this site told me it's one of the best places to get a wide view of what flavors this lifestyle has to offer.

Without going into the who, where, when or why of it all, this one thing keeps jumping out like a sore thumb to me.

When someone is about to give an opinion on a subject, I know many give great thought before putting fingers to keys and typing a reply. What I'd like to know, if there's really an answer, how come so many give advise instead of an opinion. I know there's a taint between the two, but what I'm seeing is, this is based entirely on what the poster says is fact.

How does one know if the Opinion/Advise given is constrictive to the situation or distructive knowing only the side that is presented?

Thank you in advance for your response.

DT

Post #: 1

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/22/2006 7:00:08 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

quote:

how come so many give advise instead of an opinion.

quote:

How does one know if the Opinion/Advise given is constrictive to the situation or distructive knowing only the side that is presented

I think its the responsibility of each reader to realise that whats posted is just an opinion, thats a given for me.

I do take into account when reading posts though if the person is hypothesising or is actually coming from life experience. If the person is obviously hypothesising, i dont throw what they say out, I just put it in its place, likewise, if someone is talking about actual life experience, i dont necessarily hold it to be the facts for me, i put that too in its relevance to a place in my life, or decide if it has any at all.

(in reply to DeepThinker)

Post #: 2

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/22/2006 7:05:02 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

This is ultimately a decision you must make on your own by your own means. Does it fit? Does it ring a bell? If not, chances are it doesn't apply, so just move on. Many state when they feel something is simply their opinion, and when something is true, by their own experience. Even if people don't openly express one way or the other, I say err on the side of assuming everything is scholarly "advice".

(in reply to DeepThinker)

Post #: 3

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/22/2006 7:11:40 PM

newflowers

Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

I think I understand what you asking (maybe. spellcheck is a good thing).

When I read a post and someone has asked - what about xyz, I give my opinion, my thoughts, experience, beliefs, and/or knowledge about xyz. Sometimes, I give supposition because that what is asked for and/or that's what I have. Sometimes, posters do ask for advice - and if I think I have something valid and helpful, I give that.

Do I know if my opinion or advice is constructive or useful - well, Mary Poppins and I are tight - so, practically perfect in every way, only pearls of wisdom drip from my lips and fingertips.

In reality, I would not write something to purposefully cause someone harm or lead them into trouble. If someone uses my advice - that's completely and totally up to them. They asked, I offered - what they do with that - I have no idea.

There are some here whom I read with pleasure always and some posts I skip because I have formed a negative opinion of their writings or the grammar and spelling are so bad I can't bear to twist my brain around figuring it out. I am sure that there are some who see my screen name and skip right over me. And... sew a button on your underwear - so what?

One can only express an opinion or offer advice given the information presented. There are many perspectives to any situation and, maybe knowing another side would change that advice - maybe not.

I have received useful insight, knowledge, and information and have read thoughtful and intelligent words from some people who write on these boards - to give and receive that - it is why I am here.

What happens next - we all keep dancing.

newflowers

(in reply to DeepThinker)

Post #: 4

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/22/2006 8:02:26 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DeepThinker
How does one know if the Opinion/Advise given is constrictive to the situation or distructive knowing only the side that is presented?

Thank you in advance for your response.

DT

In a lot of ways you really don't. I've seen a lot of times people get pissed about what they read, and two weeks later come back and thank the person. I've seen people GUSH over something and then totally fall apart over it.

This really is just a bunch of people throwing out ideas. Take what works for you, find what resonates, and leave the rest.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to DeepThinker)

Post #: 5

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/22/2006 8:53:33 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

How does one know if the Opinion/Advise given is constrictive to the situation or distructive knowing only the side that is presented?

Thank you in advance for your response.

DT

Interesting. I am of the opinion that the quality of responses around here vary greatly. After a while, you pick up things like consistancy in what people have to say, and generally, you form your own feelings about a poster. There are folks around here that I am very willing to listen to and believe that what they say is authentic to their experiences. However, that does not mean that I use this forum as my sole resource for, um, resources.

Basically, I use the same rule of thumb for authentic BDSM advice around here that the Supreme Court uses when qualifying something as pornography: I know it when I see it.

I've been wandering the halls of Kinkdom long enough to know if what someone is 'advising' sounds like they are talking from experience or the sphincter end. The locus of control on that, however, lies with me.

Kassie

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to DeepThinker)

Post #: 6

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 6:44:28 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

How does one know if the Opinion/Advise given is constrictive to the situation or distructive knowing only the side that is presented?

Deep,
Commonly people consider it "advice" if what they read agrees with what they were planning to do anyway, and "opinion" when it conflicts with their situation or plans. Neither advise or opinion is destructive in theory because words can't hurt you. However often the truth does. Perhaps that is the case when words "hurt".

If the reader considers any opinion or advice a rule or an absolute fact it's more an indication of the readers insecurity or weakness not the poster. No matter how detailed the post, the perspective of the poster can not be replicated by the mind of the person replying. If you are lucky, they are drawing from their real life experience. Sometimes they claim expertise but they have never experienced any lifestyle activity beyond the glow of their computer screen. The point is you never know who is who and its something else to consider.

Most time the person allegedly seeking "advise" is really looking for confirmation. The want to know what they are doing, or planning to do is "right". Or want to make sure "everyone" feels or has experienced what they are experiencing. That confirmation and confidence really should come from within or from your partner. If it doesn't instead of posting it and discussing it on a site such as CM, it would be much more productive if you had the discussion with your partner. If you had a "Family Feud" type #1 answer given to a posted CM question it would be; "talk or communicate with your partner". Some have found even that basic advise "destructive".

Insults, name calling, and labeling are noted as exceptions; but the bottom line is constructive or destructive is in the mind of the reader, NOT usually the poster. The "best" advise or opinion you can get is one that doesn't provide answers but it does make you think.

(in reply to DeepThinker)

Post #: 7

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 8:09:36 AM

OscarHargraves

Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline

It's simple. Just assume that EVERY response is an opinion and worth exactly what you pay for it. If it fits and it works for you, fine. If it doesn't then maybe it does for someone else in different circumstances. Take what works, leave the rest and be thankfull we have this means of getting diversified ideas from lots of people.

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to DeepThinker)

Post #: 8

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 8:20:40 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

Deep,
Commonly people consider it "advice" if what they read agrees with what they were planning to do anyway, and "opinion" when it conflicts with their situation or plans. Neither advise or opinion is destructive in theory because words can't hurt you. However often the truth does. Perhaps that is the case when words "hurt".

Bravo, to this!

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 9

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 8:37:33 AM

Veryleggyredhead

Posts: 27
Joined: 2/5/2006
From: Tampa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

Deep,
Commonly people consider it "advice" if what they read agrees with what they were planning to do anyway, and "opinion" when it conflicts with their situation or plans. Neither advise or opinion is destructive in theory because words can't hurt you. However often the truth does. Perhaps that is the case when words "hurt".

Bravo, to this!

While I am relatively new to this site, I have seen malicious and inflammatory postings and responses on another bdsm site, and one I was on for four years.. Sadly, they escalated to the point where people simply stopped participating in the online community. Is how I came to be here, and hope I am not going to have a repeat experience. I have recommended this site to others leaving the troubled site, and look forward to it being both informative and enjoyable.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 10

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 8:47:36 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Veryleggyredhead

While I am relatively new to this site, I have seen malicious and inflammatory postings and responses on another bdsm site, and one I was on for four years.. Sadly, they escalated to the point where people simply stopped participating in the online community. Is how I came to be here, and hope I am not going to have a repeat experience. I have recommended this site to others leaving the troubled site, and look forward to it being both informative and enjoyable.

i am also relatively new, despite the number of cute little cuffs under my name :)

This site also has its share of disputes and harshly state opinion. If you can weed through it, you can find some very good, informative and supportive discussion. i have also recommended this site to others, but with that disclaimer.

Enjoy your time here, i look forward to reading your posts

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 2/23/2006 8:48:53 AM >

(in reply to Veryleggyredhead)

Post #: 11

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 8:55:20 AM

chainedupnick

Posts: 49
Joined: 8/10/2005
Status: offline

quote:

How does one know if the Opinion/Advise given is constrictive to the situation or distructive knowing only the side that is presented?

constructive: honest opinions/advice that that encourages a change that might have a postitive effect, or past experiences to give you another perspective?

I guess it really depends on how you interpret it yourself, though. So if you're concerned about the quality of the advice, mebbe just step back and ask yourself what would happen if I did X?

Anywho I hope you find this constructive, hehe
~Nicholas

(in reply to DeepThinker)

Post #: 12

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 9:05:03 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

Every responce is only an opinion, that is at least how I mean it.... I clarify that every now and again but mostly I just hope that most folks here know I don't do the one true way rubbish. Just as I see it from where I stand and in my words, nothing more, nothing less.

As for how I view a post. Mostly I don't judge if the post is a true refection of what is happening or not. The poster presents a scenario, I give my opinion on the presented scenario..... only the poster knows how close their scenario is to any real life situation. Upto them to take any diffrences into account. No-one here is a mind reader.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to DeepThinker)

Post #: 13

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 9:07:35 AM

angelic

Posts: 1807
Joined: 1/24/2005
Status: offline

personally for me, i have found this forum to be educational, entertaining and a soothing place to come... sure there are 'drama queens' here... however, anywhere one goes, that will happen be it r/l or o/l. So my advice is accept what you will and take from it the good rather than the bad.

Side note to ownedgirl: i just got my second cuff WOOHOO... i'm no longer deviant i'm now twisted!

whoops... ok i guess i need three of those 'cute little cuffs' to be deviant... damnit i can't remember what i was before i was twisted!!!

< Message edited by angelic -- 2/23/2006 9:09:10 AM >

_____________________________

~....and once you have tasted flight, you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been and there you long to return.~ -- Leonardo de Vinci

(in reply to chainedupnick)

Post #: 14

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 9:22:24 AM

phoenixslave

Posts: 66
Joined: 6/13/2004
Status: offline

If the poster wants good advice they have the responsibility to explain the situation as "sidelessly" as possible. Gets better responses.

(in reply to angelic)

Post #: 15

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 9:25:13 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Every responce is only an opinion, that is at least how I mean it.... I clarify that every now and again but mostly I just hope that most folks here know I don't do the one true way rubbish. Just as I see it from where I stand and in my words, nothing more, nothing less.

As for how I view a post. Mostly I don't judge if the post is a true refection of what is happening or not. The poster presents a scenario, I give my opinion on the presented scenario..... only the poster knows how close their scenario is to any real life situation. Upto them to take any diffrences into account. No-one here is a mind reader.

Agreed, RavenMuse, but what about the posts that begin with, "Then you must be...." such n such. i was talking about those who make it personal. i take it for what it's worth, which isn't much. But others might feel hurt if under the attack. That's what i meant about weeding through it. i completely agree with your statement that only the poster knows what their scenario is.

Edited to congratulate angelic on her 2nd cuff! LOL

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 16

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 9:35:56 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
Agreed, RavenMuse, but what about the posts that begin with, "Then you must be...." such n such. i was talking about those who make it personal. i take it for what it's worth, which isn't much. But others might feel hurt if under the attack. That's what i meant about weeding through it. i completely agree with your statement that only the poster knows what their scenario is.

Caveat Emptor, it is upto the reader to take everything stated and 'opinion' only... if someone is saying "You must be....', no matter what their intentions all they can really say in a place like this is "In my opinion, from what I've read, you must be...." which as I'm sure you can see a rather diffrent thing. People often write an opinion as a statement of fact, just the way the net is.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 17

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 11:28:46 AM

LATEXBABY64

Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

While I am relatively new to this site, I have seen malicious and inflammatory postings and responses on another bdsm site, and one I was on for four years.. Sadly, they escalated to the point where people simply stopped participating in the online community. Is how I came to be here, and hope I am not going to have a repeat experience. I have recommended this site to others leaving the troubled site, and look forward to it being both informative and enjoyable.

i think you find this anywhere and everywhere . ourlifestyle is about my way or the high way its why a lot of things do not work for people people put up crap this so not right for humanity that makes it things bumpy in he road to bonding and blonging i call them isolationist its learning to know good t hought from bad good behavoir from bad identifying with things that great and bad in good and small nilla breaks once in awhlle are good they cauase for refecltions of honesty and truth be true to thy self not to a fashion or image of what someone wants you to be
namaste

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 18

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 5:00:15 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline

I've been advising for a lot of years, as a pastor/minister/abbess. The one thing that I've learned is that any advisor is only as good as the information they have to work with, and whether the individual doing the asking is seriously looking for -advice- or is only looking for validation of what he or she wants to do/think. (Often, the more the person is seeking validation rather than advice, the further the situation they describe diverges from reality.)

Many of the people who post here really -do- try to think through a situation, and they respond with, most often, what they would do (or have done) when faced with a similar situation. A person who advises professionally often takes that a little further... they have a collection of things that a -number- of people have done, and try to offer either the one that has provided the most productive results for the greatest number of people, or they provide several options, giving the person a chance to customize the advice to fit more closely to their given situation.

In the end, it is -all- opinion. What works for me may not work for someone else, no matter how good the suggestions. Whether it is opinion or not is irrelevant -- it is up to the individual receiving the opinion/advice to determine how the information fits his or her situation, and which (if any) portions he or she wishes to make use of. Sometimes, the answer is going to be none -- and sometimes we'll make use of advice, just to discover that it just isn't working for us. Living is learning. *shrugs*

Lady Zephyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: DeepThinker

When someone is about to give an opinion on a subject, I know many give great thought before putting fingers to keys and typing a reply. What I'd like to know, if there's really an answer, how come so many give advise instead of an opinion. I know there's a taint between the two, but what I'm seeing is, this is based entirely on what the poster says is fact.

How does one know if the Opinion/Advise given is constrictive to the situation or distructive knowing only the side that is presented?
DT

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

(in reply to DeepThinker)

Post #: 19

RE: Opinions or Advise / constructive or distructive - 2/23/2006 5:54:40 PM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chainedupnick

quote:

How does one know if the Opinion/Advise given is constrictive to the situation or distructive knowing only the side that is presented?

constructive: honest opinions/advice that that encourages a change that might have a postitive effect, or past experiences to give you another perspective?

I guess it really depends on how you interpret it yourself, though. So if you're concerned about the quality of the advice, mebbe just step back and ask yourself what would happen if I did X?

Anywho I hope you find this constructive, hehe
~Nicholas

I agree with this constructive Opinion/Advise

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to chainedupnick)

Post #: 20

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