RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster

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littleone35 -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/13/2009 12:24:39 PM)
I understans the feeling of jealousy, i told my Master when we first met that if he wanted me i would have to be the only one and he agreed. Maybe poly is not for you, some people just are not wired that way. I know i am not, neither is Master cause neither one of us share. This Dom may be a great guy, but if you can't handle the fact he want others as well as you , you may want to find a dom that fits in with you needs. I wish you much luck with this situation. Matt's littleone

lizi -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/13/2009 1:18:15 PM)
I am pretty new as well, I started checking out the Doms available in my area early this year. I met different types of people. Some were not honest at first about their marital situtions...I ask about that pretty quickly now. I was confronted with a lot of questions that I didn't know the answers to about BDSM likes/dislikes/limits. I didn't really know what mine were. After getting out and meeting people I now have a better understanding of what I'm looking for and what fulfills me. Now I can look for someone with a better understanding of what I'm looking for and hopefully I'll find someone that thinks I fit their bill as well. The question of poly came up often and I honestly didn't know the answer to whether I was interested in it or not. I knew I was not bi or bi curious but could I accept it if my partner wanted others in his life? After thinking and much discussion with various people I understand that it's not for me and now when I start out with someone I ask about their marital status AND their views on having a one on one relationship or not- amongst other important things. Posting the original question is a great way to explore the topic, the contributors here have given much to think about. I had to confront myself and honestly see that no matter how much I wanted to be with someone it would never work for me to be in a poly situation. I think the turning point came when someone I was seeing tried to push me into 'bringing a friend' sometime and i rebelled. I just wasn't feeling it and firmly resented that he paid no attention to what I said in the beginning about wanting a monogamous relationship and then he actually tried to keep pushing me into it. Ever since that experience I feel pretty good about standing on my limits and enforcing them. Yes, I'm a sub but I still have things I don't want to do and no one is worth my undying love (and/or submission) if they don't pay attention to what I'm saying.

shadowowl -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/13/2009 2:51:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lizi Yes, I'm a sub but I still have things I don't want to do and no one is worth my undying love (and/or submission) if they don't pay attention to what I'm saying. Exactly the way I see it :) I don't ask for much but if I need something I need it. and I need one on one as to many others.

learning2sub -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/13/2009 5:22:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CaringandReal It's normal to feel that way about a dominant when you are new to practicing submission. When you're new it's hard to distinguish between the objective fact that needs of a lifetime are finally being met and the person doing the meeting. You think it's all him working the magic when instead a lot of it is your situation: the meeting of needs long-postponed is a very powerful and heady experience. I don't mean to quell the intensity or happiness of your feelings, I'm sure he's a wonderful and special person. And it can be nice to be with someone experienced your first time around. It just doesn't strike me as realistic to believe that the fact that you are finally becoming sexually fufilled, as well, is not having a powerful affect on your attitude toward him. A gay man, having his first m-m relationship after years of trying to force himself to be straight might feel similarly about his partner. I just worry that later, if it doesn't work between you two, you will likely be more bitter than you would have been if you had seen him as only human (and fallable) from the start. You can call this a "been there, done that" kind of guess. ;) You know, don't you that when most people declare they "will know no love equal before or after," they usually end up eating their words? Just a friendly warning born of experience: utterances like that sorely tempt the gods (or fate, if you don't believe in gods). I appreciate your concern. Yes he was upfront with me about who and what he is. I also understand what you are saying about the heady emotions. I do feel like a bee drawn to honey. I feel like I've been born again. He has, however, advised me strongly to think less about him and more about myself and if this is truly what I want.

learning2sub -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/13/2009 5:27:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth quote: ...For those in the 24/7 lifestyle, I would love to hear more of what day-to-day life is like... this slave awakens to the scritch-scratch noise of a mouse, chewing on the corner of the book set just outside the cage...left open to the page she was allowed to read the night before. Master enters the basement and this slave begs to be released from the cage...her diaper is full and she needs changing. after the diaper is off, this slave crawls up the basement steps and asks permission to enter the house...once given, she crawls to the whipping post and after Master attaches her to it, He whips her to His satisfaction. she is then allowed one glass of water and a handful of crackers that she must ingest only after scurrying over to the corner and facing it. she then must wash her hands and hurry to the kitchen to make His breakfast. He prefers bacon, eggs, those little potatoes with the small sections of peppers, bagels with preserves, black coffee and fresh squeezed fruit juice. after attaching the tray to her nipples with clamps, she serves His breakfast. He eats, as she kneels, head bowed, next to His feet. He allows her to lick up any crumbs that are spilled on the floor, then after she has washed and put away His dishes, He drags her to the bathroom by her hair so that she can clean His ass with her mouth after He is done there on His throne. He then goes to His blackberry and pulls out the schedule for the day---"appointments" for her to service others. He collects the money from the appointments made that day and allows this slave to drink an "Ensure" for dinner, before she prepares His evening meal. He prefers filet mignon, those funny shaped mushrooms(chantrelles, is it?), hand-made pasta and a bottle of 1979 Opus One to wash it down. after this slave has cleaned up from dinner, He diapers her, turns the page of the book she is allowed to read 1 page of every day and locks her into the cage in the basement, while He returns upstairs to entertain some ladies He has invited over. the next day the process repeats... this slave's advice? run...now...far.... [:D] This is so far from what it is he wants to share with me it's not even in the same galaxy. I am more positive of this than I can say. I am far too strong willed to ever let myself be abused in such a manner. I realize there are those who enjoy being treated as such - I am NOT one of them. Ever.

learning2sub -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/13/2009 5:28:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KCalli IMHO...examine your needs within yourself. Your Dom will awaken powerful feelings, unknown desires, etc. within you. Dynamics and Synergy come to mind. Explore, and if you are not agreeable, back away. I do understand the jealousy thing, but it may or may not pass at this time. Take time to find out what you desire, and what you need. As much as I hate to judge, I do know there is good and bad on either side. And all shades in between. Find what fits you. If your gut raises red flags, then run the other way, quickly. Having your needs met in no way makes you weak. It makes you stronger and more focused. That is why all care should be taken before submitting and accepting a collar. I couldn't agree more. Thank you.

learning2sub -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/13/2009 5:34:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lizi I am pretty new as well, I started checking out the Doms available in my area early this year. I met different types of people. Some were not honest at first about their marital situtions...I ask about that pretty quickly now. I was confronted with a lot of questions that I didn't know the answers to about BDSM likes/dislikes/limits. I didn't really know what mine were. After getting out and meeting people I now have a better understanding of what I'm looking for and what fulfills me. Now I can look for someone with a better understanding of what I'm looking for and hopefully I'll find someone that thinks I fit their bill as well. The question of poly came up often and I honestly didn't know the answer to whether I was interested in it or not. I knew I was not bi or bi curious but could I accept it if my partner wanted others in his life? After thinking and much discussion with various people I understand that it's not for me and now when I start out with someone I ask about their marital status AND their views on having a one on one relationship or not- amongst other important things. Posting the original question is a great way to explore the topic, the contributors here have given much to think about. I had to confront myself and honestly see that no matter how much I wanted to be with someone it would never work for me to be in a poly situation. I think the turning point came when someone I was seeing tried to push me into 'bringing a friend' sometime and i rebelled. I just wasn't feeling it and firmly resented that he paid no attention to what I said in the beginning about wanting a monogamous relationship and then he actually tried to keep pushing me into it. Ever since that experience I feel pretty good about standing on my limits and enforcing them. Yes, I'm a sub but I still have things I don't want to do and no one is worth my undying love (and/or submission) if they don't pay attention to what I'm saying. Very well said... I am glad you are able to stand up for what you want because you deserve it! Thank you for sharing. :)

LPslittleclip -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/14/2009 2:48:47 AM)
i didn't know i had jealousy issues till i watched my M'Lady play with another. i had to examine myself and decide what my submission was for my needs or Hers. now i have no problem with M'Lady playing with others as i know it brings Her pleasure and that is my goal to please Her. i am poly but i understand that not all are. the best course of action for you is to discuss with Him what your feelings are and what the play with others will entail IE bondage beatings and such or will it include sexual service. find what in your dynamic is right for you and go from there.

DesFIP -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/14/2009 12:21:15 PM)
Random thoughts; I don't believe that being wired monogamous is less than being wired heterosexual. For me both drives are equal in strength. If you want to date someone, then yeah, you ought to be upfront about being poly or a swinger or whatever. Because that isn't the norm and waiting until you get someone hooked on you before mentioning this is bait and switch. Otherwise bring your present gf along on the first date and be honest about it. How it works out in everyday life? I don't serve him peas or eggs. I do buy whole wheat bread instead of white. I don't buy 12 grain because I hate having to floss every time I eat a piece of bread and I don't want to buy different loaves for everyone. If I want strawberry ice cream, I get a cone. Half gallons have some chocolate. I wanted to try a homemade gravel drag out yesterday, he decided we should spread more gravel first. We'll rake it on Monday.

thishereboi -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/14/2009 2:24:45 PM)
If I were to persue a relationship, it would be long term and sexual. So I would have to find someone who agreed to be monogomous. I just don't share well when it comes to that. Now I would have no problems with her playing non sexually with others, but that would be it. When I was with my ex, we talked about this ahead of time and it was something we both agreed with.

thishereboi -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/14/2009 2:28:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth quote: ...For those in the 24/7 lifestyle, I would love to hear more of what day-to-day life is like... this slave awakens to the scritch-scratch noise of a mouse, chewing on the corner of the book set just outside the cage...left open to the page she was allowed to read the night before. Master enters the basement and this slave begs to be released from the cage...her diaper is full and she needs changing. after the diaper is off, this slave crawls up the basement steps and asks permission to enter the house...once given, she crawls to the whipping post and after Master attaches her to it, He whips her to His satisfaction. she is then allowed one glass of water and a handful of crackers that she must ingest only after scurrying over to the corner and facing it. she then must wash her hands and hurry to the kitchen to make His breakfast. He prefers bacon, eggs, those little potatoes with the small sections of peppers, bagels with preserves, black coffee and fresh squeezed fruit juice. after attaching the tray to her nipples with clamps, she serves His breakfast. He eats, as she kneels, head bowed, next to His feet. He allows her to lick up any crumbs that are spilled on the floor, then after she has washed and put away His dishes, He drags her to the bathroom by her hair so that she can clean His ass with her mouth after He is done there on His throne. He then goes to His blackberry and pulls out the schedule for the day---"appointments" for her to service others. He collects the money from the appointments made that day and allows this slave to drink an "Ensure" for dinner, before she prepares His evening meal. He prefers filet mignon, those funny shaped mushrooms(chantrelles, is it?), hand-made pasta and a bottle of 1979 Opus One to wash it down. after this slave has cleaned up from dinner, He diapers her, turns the page of the book she is allowed to read 1 page of every day and locks her into the cage in the basement, while He returns upstairs to entertain some ladies He has invited over. the next day the process repeats... this slave's advice? run...now...far.... [:D] What happened to the "cream for his coffee"?

GoddessImaginos -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/14/2009 2:39:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littleone35 I understans the feeling of jealousy, i told my Master when we first met that if he wanted me i would have to be the only one and he agreed. Maybe poly is not for you, some people just are not wired that way. I know i am not, neither is Master cause neither one of us share. This Dom may be a great guy, but if you can't handle the fact he want others as well as you , you may want to find a dom that fits in with you needs. I wish you much luck with this situation. Matt's littleone I understand this issue only too well. I have been there, tried poly on more than one occasion and in more than one situation, and over a period of years. I have come to this conclusion: I Am Not Poly. This issue MUST, like all other points of great import, be a matter of personal choice. Life is too short and precious to live in sorrow. If it isn't what makes you happy, Don't Do It. Do not submit or marry until you find the One for you, who's views match yours. Yes, it is your prerogative to make this choice for yourself. Yes, there is always a choice. Yes, your feelings matter just as much as His/Hers. What matters most in the end, in hard irrefutable fact, is how you see, think, and feel about yourself, and this is true for every single living human soul, regardless of station. Choose well, and Be Happy.

learning2sub -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/14/2009 4:08:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LPslittleclip i didn't know i had jealousy issues till i watched my M'Lady play with another. i had to examine myself and decide what my submission was for my needs or Hers. now i have no problem with M'Lady playing with others as i know it brings Her pleasure and that is my goal to please Her. i am poly but i understand that not all are. the best course of action for you is to discuss with Him what your feelings are and what the play with others will entail IE bondage beatings and such or will it include sexual service. find what in your dynamic is right for you and go from there. Yes we are going to do that hopefully within the course of the next few days. He explained to me I came to him not in the usual manner. He feels, now, he hasn't prepared me as well as I should've been for the shock and awe of a D/s relationship. He is accurate about the shock and awe part. I am so very, very new to all of this. I have a long way to go and a lot to get my head around. Thank you for your response. :)

learning2sub -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/14/2009 4:12:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: GoddessImaginos I understand this issue only too well. I have been there, tried poly on more than one occasion and in more than one situation, and over a period of years. I have come to this conclusion: I Am Not Poly. This issue MUST, like all other points of great import, be a matter of personal choice. Life is too short and precious to live in sorrow. If it isn't what makes you happy, Don't Do It. Do not submit or marry until you find the One for you, who's views match yours. Yes, it is your prerogative to make this choice for yourself. Yes, there is always a choice. Yes, your feelings matter just as much as His/Hers. What matters most in the end, in hard irrefutable fact, is how you see, think, and feel about yourself, and this is true for every single living human soul, regardless of station. Choose well, and Be Happy. Very well said and words that almost completely echo my D. He has made it crystal clear he will not influence me in this matter - I must come to it on my own which is why I am here. Thank you for sharing. :)

pixidustpet -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/14/2009 4:57:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: learning2sub This is so far from what it is he wants to share with me it's not even in the same galaxy. I am more positive of this than I can say. I am far too strong willed to ever let myself be abused in such a manner. I realize there are those who enjoy being treated as such - I am NOT one of them. Ever. psst....beth was pulling your leg. merc treats her better than that, they just both have wicked senses of humor. she is a 24/7 slave, though. me, personally, i've lived poly, with my last husband. he was not into bdsm, though. TheEngineer and i have been sharing living space for a year now and a last name for the last 7 months. he is the final boss of everything in the household, but i am asked my opinion. there isnt anything wrong with polyamory....there isnt anything wrong with monogamy. its all about what will make you happy. and yes, your happiness DOES count. it makes me happy to do things for TheEngineer, so i do. and it makes him happy to see me all wriggly after he's smacked my butt a few dozen times, so he does. however, if you saw us out of our home? it would look like any other middle aged couple, him holding my door and ordering for me, and asking me for my opinion on things. looks can be decieving. or as i blithely replied at the last company party when someone asked me what i "do": "i'm his arm ornament." then smiled. [:D] kitten

kitastrophe33 -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/14/2009 6:17:34 PM)
quote: My problem is jealousy. I know this is a sign of weakness and insecurity - I just don't know how to purge it. I know it boils down to me wanting to control the relationship which is totally opposite of what this is about. Not necessarily. It might just be about you not doing well with sharing your partner. I suck at it to...no shame in that. Some people are into BDSM, some people are into poly, some are into both. Some are into neither. You don't HAVE make yourself okay with poly just because one of the first Doms you like is. One of the most important things you'll do as a new sub is learn how to submit to your partner...without losing yourself for your partner. So really think on that for a moment. IS it a weakness to you? Or maybe is it simply something you don't want?

kyraofMists -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/15/2009 8:09:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: learning2sub My problem is jealousy. I know this is a sign of weakness and insecurity - I just don't know how to purge it. I know it boils down to me wanting to control the relationship which is totally opposite of what this is about. I am not going to talk about whether you are monogamous or poly because jealousy is a relationship issue and not a monogamous or poly issue. Are you jealous or envious? There is a difference and the reason for the emotions are different. Jealousy is a fear that you will lose what you have. Envious is wishing you had what someone else has. If it is envy, one of the best ways to deal with this emotion is to focus on what you have and not on what others have. It it is jealousy, then the question is your fear of losing what you have valid and rational or is it irrational? So often people hear that someone is feeling jealous and they assign the blame to the person feeling the emotion, but it could be that your partner is doing something that is causing the fear, i.e. that you really are losing them. If the fear is not valid and you are not losing your partner (him having multiple partners may or may not be a sign that you are losing him), then it comes down to a question of security or lack thereof. You are new and in a new relationship; if you felt completely secure right now I would be highly shocked. It is perfectly reasonable to feel insecure in a new path that you are walking and to feel insecure in a brand new relationship. As you gain confidence that this is the right choice for you, you will also gain security. I don't see insecurity right now as a weakness. It is something to be acknowledged, understood and then to take steps in a direction that will build security. This past winter, I learned to downhill ski for the first time at 38 years old. I have never been a jock or someone good at sports and I was overweight and out of shape (having social anxiety order on top of all that did not help at all). My fear at learning a new sport was entirely justified. I took baby steps for days to build confidence in myself. By the end of the season, I had gone on all but the black diamond runs and I am pretty confident that I can put on skis this coming winter and go have fun skiing. Overcoming fear and insecurity can sometimes be difficult, but it can also be very empowering. I am essentially a monogamous person who has chosen to be in an open poly relationship. The three of us are a family and our relationship is open to either others joining or for him to play with others. There is no jealousy between Alandra and I because I do not fear losing what I have because of her. After more than four years together, there isn't jealousy that he has and will play with others. The three of us worked together to build security in our relationship; we are a family and the only people who can change that are the three of us. Enjoy your new relationship. If you decide to stay with him for awhile, know that you can take steps to build security so that you are not afraid to lose him. Knight's Kyra

DesFIP -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/15/2009 8:37:54 AM)
He says he wants a life partner but he hasn't said that you'll be it. Are you prepared for him to decide that someone else fits him better and he wants you to be one of the outside subs he plays with? Because at this point that's as likely a scenario as the other. Trying to start several relationships at once is a recipe for failure. Usually you get the primary relationship worked out first, all the normal issues, and only then do you think about opening it. What happens if you decide that while he's off on the weekend playing with others, that you need your time filled with someone new also? Have you discussed that?

learning2sub -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/15/2009 5:17:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kitastrophe33 Not necessarily. It might just be about you not doing well with sharing your partner. I suck at it to...no shame in that. Some people are into BDSM, some people are into poly, some are into both. Some are into neither. You don't HAVE make yourself okay with poly just because one of the first Doms you like is. One of the most important things you'll do as a new sub is learn how to submit to your partner...without losing yourself for your partner. So really think on that for a moment. IS it a weakness to you? Or maybe is it simply something you don't want? Very well said. I should probably explore the poly room a bit as well. What he eventually wants isn't poly in the manner he would have a third with him the majority of the time, it's more, he would have 2-3 well screened subs he might play with once a month. There would be no other contact than the play sessions.

learning2sub -> RE: Dealing with the green eyed monster (8/15/2009 5:34:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kyraofMists quote: ORIGINAL: learning2sub My problem is jealousy. I know this is a sign of weakness and insecurity - I just don't know how to purge it. I know it boils down to me wanting to control the relationship which is totally opposite of what this is about. I am not going to talk about whether you are monogamous or poly because jealousy is a relationship issue and not a monogamous or poly issue. If the fear is not valid and you are not losing your partner (him having multiple partners may or may not be a sign that you are losing him), then it comes down to a question of security or lack thereof. You are new and in a new relationship; if you felt completely secure right now I would be highly shocked. It is perfectly reasonable to feel insecure in a new path that you are walking and to feel insecure in a brand new relationship. As you gain confidence that this is the right choice for you, you will also gain security. I don't see insecurity right now as a weakness. It is something to be acknowledged, understood and then to take steps in a direction that will build security. This past winter, I learned to downhill ski for the first time at 38 years old. I have never been a jock or someone good at sports and I was overweight and out of shape (having social anxiety order on top of all that did not help at all). My fear at learning a new sport was entirely justified. I took baby steps for days to build confidence in myself. By the end of the season, I had gone on all but the black diamond runs and I am pretty confident that I can put on skis this coming winter and go have fun skiing. Overcoming fear and insecurity can sometimes be difficult, but it can also be very empowering. I am essentially a monogamous person who has chosen to be in an open poly relationship. The three of us are a family and our relationship is open to either others joining or for him to play with others. There is no jealousy between Alandra and I because I do not fear losing what I have because of her. After more than four years together, there isn't jealousy that he has and will play with others. The three of us worked together to build security in our relationship; we are a family and the only people who can change that are the three of us. Enjoy your new relationship. If you decide to stay with him for awhile, know that you can take steps to build security so that you are not afraid to lose him. Knight's Kyra Thank you for sharing that with me. I feel much better hearing from you (and others) this is natural. I've been hesitant to bring it up with my Dom but I believe I do need to share my concerns. I believe he will be open to what I have to say and if not... then I move on. :)

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