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Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 9:37:00 PM   
SweetPoosy


Posts: 822
Joined: 3/12/2009
Status: offline 		Hey Everyone,

Thought I would open this up to see what y'all would do in my situation. Here's the basics...
Evil Hubby and I were together for 13 years before he left with an 18 year old. Now, before y'all think I'm bitter about that, believe me, the day he left, I danced in the streets! Also, before you wonder just how long THAT lasted...it didn't, and she screwed him over royally. There are MANY, MANY other factors in there, but I'm trying to leave them out to stick to the basic question.

He's been gone now for 5.5 years, and he finally filed for divorce last year. We went to court, got a reasonably equitable division of assets, (not great, but not bad either) and he was supposed to file for the final decree. He filed, but he didn't do it correctly, so the court sent him a notice to do it again, correctly this time. That was in February.

I finally got a notice from the court saying that they now want ME to file the final decree, and if I fail to do so, the court will dismiss the case in 60 days.

So here's the situation...the major asset is our house. I have been living here since he departed the marriage. It is paid for, and in a trust. I pay no rent or mortgage, only the taxes and incidentals. The court has ordered that it be sold and the proceeds divided...but if the divorce is dismissed that decree becomes null and void. 

It puts everything back to square one, which means that I won't have to place the house on the market any time soon (with all of the attendant nonsense that a move entails), and I can continue on my merry way...possibly for many more years. BTW, the house needs some repairs before it can be sold, and I simply don't have the money to do that, which is one reason why I would like to postpone the sale, not to mention the current crappy real estate market.

It would piss off the ex, but the ball has been in his court, and he's screwed it up, so it's his fault initially, not mine. His health is pretty bad, he's a Type 1 diabetic, and he's already had episodes where he has been comatose, so it may become a probate issue before it goes back to being a divorce issue.

The down sides are this:
Staying married in name to this wanker.
When we do file again, if it is the same judge, he will possibly be pretty hacked at one or both of us.
I do have someone I love who is a British citizen, and until I am divorced, we are at a standstill in our relationship...he's there and I'm here. (We've been apart now for 15 months, and we've each tried to find someone else, but we are realizing the bond is too strong for time and distance to break)

So, Oh Great and Wise ones of CM...what would you do? Would you do the paperwork, and proceed with the divorce and the sale of the house and be done with the whole mess, or would you say piss on it, let the sleeping dog lie in his own excrement, and just bide your time to see what happens?

I await your wisdom!

Humbly Yours, Miss Rosie

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 9:44:41 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Right now, you have a house,  If you divorce, you will have half a house.  And the hassle of selling.

Look into a legal separation.  That might satisfy your Brit, and let you keep the house.

Of course, that's with no knowledge of how the trust works.


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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 9:46:37 PM   
SweetPoosy


Posts: 822
Joined: 3/12/2009
Status: offline 		Thanks Steven,

Honestly, the only thing that will satisfy my Brit is if I am free of all of this, and I can be with him wherever he goes in the world.

Edited to add...

Of course, he knows that the market is bad right now, and he hates to think of me hanging on this long only to get shafted because of the economy. He has said that I must do what is best for me, even if it means hanging on here.

< Message edited by SweetPoosy -- 8/12/2009 9:49:41 PM >

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 9:48:35 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		I know when I was going through my divorce we decided how to split up real property. The courts went along with what WE agreed to. The other option is to buy out your ex (pay him half of what the house is worth as is on the market today).

< Message edited by SweetNika -- 8/12/2009 9:52:55 PM >

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 9:49:12 PM   
cornflakegirl


Posts: 183
Joined: 7/1/2009
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		Until I got to the end, I'd say let the divorce go and keep the house. But if you want to be with your love, and the divorce is standing in the way, suck it up, make the move, ditch the house, and go.

I'm pretty big on the following your heart over silly material things like money though, so mine may not be the most practical advice. ;)

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 9:52:46 PM   
SweetPoosy


Posts: 822
Joined: 3/12/2009
Status: offline 		Let me add here, because it will help to understand that there is NO negotiating or talking civilly with this man...

He molested my daughters and he has broken restraining orders, until I actually had to order him off the property at gunpoint. I didn't want to add any of that, but it needs to be understood that there is no negotiating.



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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 9:55:39 PM   
SweetNika


Posts: 955
Joined: 4/19/2008
From: Forest Hills, Maryland
Status: offline 		You could always us a mediator (which will cost you but is an option). I will also say that sometimes a fresh start does amazing things for the soul. Starting over is never easy but sometimeas it allows you to truly move on and let go totally.

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 9:56:44 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		Ooooo.....   This is quite the dilemma.  I've worked in domestic relations and probate.  Lemme think about this for a minute.

OK, it sounds like the Final Decree wasn't in proper format or something, so he was told to remedy the flaw in a time certain.  He has not done so, and the Court is asking you to remedy the flaw or they will non-suit (dismiss) the case.  The equitable distribution was ok, but not perfect (almost never is).  The marital residence has to be sold in order to split the equity per Court Order.  If the Order isn't in place, there is no reason to sell the house.  His health is questionable, and may lead to a probate issue if and when he passes away.  If the house is held in trust, are you one of the trustees?  Are the two of you the sole beneficiaries?  Are you joint tenants with rights of survivorship?  So many variables here.

If you prefer to stay as things are, then don't file the Revised Final Decree.  If, however, you want to move on and forge ahead with the new partner who is overseas, then it may be worth your while to go ahead and get this over and done with, rather than wait for his untimely demise.  Probate issues can sometimes last for years (in VA, at least) if there are yearly accountings that have to be done. 

I think searching your heart to see if ending this tie that binds is worth the potential gain that you have with the new relationship.  Best of luck with your decision.

Hugs,
Red

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 9:58:37 PM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		Honestly....

My advice is to talk to your attorney.

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 10:01:01 PM   
SultryItalian


Posts: 125
Joined: 7/9/2008
Status: offline 		In that case, I still would have done what cornflake girl suggested:

quote:

suck it up, make the move, ditch the house, and go.


I would not want my name tied with that SOB any longer than I absolutely had to.

Yes, the house is a roof over your head (and possibly your daughters'--you didn't state their age group), BUT where there's a will, there's a way--as the adage goes. IMHO, the house is just a thing, an object, replaceable. Cut off the cancer and move on to a healthier life.

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 10:01:48 PM   
MsMillgrove


Posts: 260
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline 		I would not divorce and sell the house.. over a guy you have never lived with. This could be a version of fryingpan/fire. After all, you must have seen something very attractive and worthwhile to have married the first one, right?

I would ignore filing the final. Make arrangements for someone else to stay in said home, and go spend some time with the Brit.. to see if he really is the One.
That way if things don't work, you still have the house.

If you want to stay with the Brit, rent the house, send your husband half the rent income (only fair) and when things look better, sell and split the proceeds.
That way when you go to divorce again.. you won't have any assets to worry about dividing. Still take the same amount of time, but will be a minor hassle compared to round one.

just a thought.
MsM

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 10:10:03 PM   
SweetPoosy


Posts: 822
Joined: 3/12/2009
Status: offline 		Oh, another clarification...

I have lived with the Brit here at my house, for two years. So yeah, there is something there. He had to go back to the UK, and won't be returning any time soon.

My daughters are 21 and 26, and neither live here, and neither WANT to live here...for obvious reasons.

Yes, sometimes it feels like a millstone around my neck, but it's the only major asset I have left.

I have no attorney, I can't afford one.

I can't encumber the house, but I am a trustor/trustee with rights of survivorship.

Thank you everyone so far, opening this up is giving me new ways to think outside the box I've had myself in for so long!

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 10:12:51 PM   
Loki45


Posts: 2100
Joined: 5/13/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetPoosy
Of course, he knows that the market is bad right now, and he hates to think of me hanging on this long only to get shafted because of the economy. He has said that I must do what is best for me, even if it means hanging on here.


The answer is as simple as it is sneaky as hell.

Sell the house to your Brit for peanuts. Give your ex half of the peanut price and now your Brit owns your house and can then sell it back to you for even less. Done and done.

< Message edited by Loki45 -- 8/12/2009 10:13:03 PM >

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 10:15:38 PM   
Loki45


Posts: 2100
Joined: 5/13/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetPoosy
Let me add here, because it will help to understand that there is NO negotiating or talking civilly with this man...

He molested my daughters and he has broken restraining orders, until I actually had to order him off the property at gunpoint. I didn't want to add any of that, but it needs to be understood that there is no negotiating.


Just saw this tidbit and see it as your second mistake. There's a saying "If you pull a gun, it's to shoot, not to show." The phrase "I feared for my life" is a powerful phrase in the courts, especially given the history involved. You missed a golden opportunity to rid your life of this guy and in my mind gain a little justice for your daughters.


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"'Till the roof comes off, 'till the lights go out
'Till my legs give out, can't shut my mouth."

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 10:19:05 PM   
SweetPoosy


Posts: 822
Joined: 3/12/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Loki45

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetPoosy
Of course, he knows that the market is bad right now, and he hates to think of me hanging on this long only to get shafted because of the economy. He has said that I must do what is best for me, even if it means hanging on here.


The answer is as simple as it is sneaky as hell.

Sell the house to your Brit for peanuts. Give your ex half of the peanut price and now your Brit owns your house and can then sell it back to you for even less. Done and done.


We have actually considered this in various incarnations. The problem is that the "peanuts" price (Appraised value per court order) will likely be between $350-500k. Not sure exactly, it's a unique home in a unique market. 5 years ago, I laughed at an offer of $550k, holding out for something nearer my asking price of $695K.

I WISH I could do it like they did in "First Wives Club" and slap 50 cents on the table in front of him, but that ain't gonna be feasible.

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I've got 20 Fluffy Points, and you don't...Neener!

Don't piss me off, I've got a 600 foot mineshaft to hide the bodies!

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 10:21:37 PM   
SweetPoosy


Posts: 822
Joined: 3/12/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Loki45

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetPoosy
Let me add here, because it will help to understand that there is NO negotiating or talking civilly with this man...

He molested my daughters and he has broken restraining orders, until I actually had to order him off the property at gunpoint. I didn't want to add any of that, but it needs to be understood that there is no negotiating.


Just saw this tidbit and see it as your second mistake. There's a saying "If you pull a gun, it's to shoot, not to show." The phrase "I feared for my life" is a powerful phrase in the courts, especially given the history involved. You missed a golden opportunity to rid your life of this guy and in my mind gain a little justice for your daughters.



I am being very circumspect in relating what really happened that day. I'm sure they could still bring me up on charges, though they have declined to prosecute so far.

_____________________________

I've got 20 Fluffy Points, and you don't...Neener!

Don't piss me off, I've got a 600 foot mineshaft to hide the bodies!

(in reply to Loki45)
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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 10:24:11 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetPoosy

I have no attorney, I can't afford one.



Do you have a local legal aid network within your area? Sometimes, they have attorneys who will volunteer their time (pro bono) to work on certain cases. I used to work in a law firm and would give a toll free number to people who needed this type of service.

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 10:26:42 PM   
Loki45


Posts: 2100
Joined: 5/13/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetPoosy

quote:

ORIGINAL: Loki45

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetPoosy
Let me add here, because it will help to understand that there is NO negotiating or talking civilly with this man...

He molested my daughters and he has broken restraining orders, until I actually had to order him off the property at gunpoint. I didn't want to add any of that, but it needs to be understood that there is no negotiating.


Just saw this tidbit and see it as your second mistake. There's a saying "If you pull a gun, it's to shoot, not to show." The phrase "I feared for my life" is a powerful phrase in the courts, especially given the history involved. You missed a golden opportunity to rid your life of this guy and in my mind gain a little justice for your daughters.



I am being very circumspect in relating what really happened that day. I'm sure they could still bring me up on charges, though they have declined to prosecute so far.


Perhaps. But (and I say this with the full knowledge I do not intend to reproduce) if it were my offspring that happened to, there'd be no need for a restraining order. Juries are notorious for being very 'understanding' when an enraged parent offs the man responsible for taking their offspring's innocence.


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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 10:28:18 PM   
Alphascendant


Posts: 285
Status: offline 		Why can divorce be so expensive? Because it is worth it....

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RE: Divorce Quandry...What would you do? - 8/12/2009 10:31:07 PM   
corsetgirl


Posts: 824
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Alphascendant

Why can divorce be so expensive? Because it is worth it....


With my divorce, I had papers drawn up by a legal assistant because mine was simple, no child support issues, property issues, and I did not want any money from my ex-husband, and to take back my own last name.

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